Transpire

by Monica Cole

  “Canyon,” I warn, tossing my cup in the bag, “no pictures.”

  He snaps another. And another.

  “Canyon Oliver Beckett.”

  “You look good angry. Come on. Give me more.”

  I cross my arms over my chest and scowl. “I’m about to kick the living shit out of you if you don’t stop.”

  He lowers the camera and looks at me with pouty lips. “Please let me take some pictures,” he begs, sounding so much like the old Canyon. The younger one. The one who stole my heart.

  I blow out a puff of air. “Fine. But none of these better end up on your studio wall.”

  “Why not?”

  I pull my hair over my shoulder, and he takes a picture.

  “Because I look bad,” I say, reaching for Canyon’s forgotten fries.

  “Not true. My camera is in love with you.”

  I stifle a smile. “Really now?”

  He nods, tongue resting between his lips as he moves to get another angle. He looks down at the screen. “Oh yea. Definitely in love.”

  My face flushes, and I drop my head, creating a veil with my hair. The camera flashes a few more times before I feel him standing in front of me.

  “Hey.”

  I look up, and he’s holding the camera out, waiting for me to look at a picture. It’s…good. Really good. And I don’t look that bad. Actually, I look pretty. My hair cascading over my shoulder, just a trace of a smile.

  “Wow.” My voice is small, and so is his smile.

  “Told you.”

  He turns off the camera and takes it to the cab. “You ready to head back?”

  I shake my head. “Not really.”

  Canyon sits beside me and I ignore how close. At least I try to. “Everything okay?” he asks.

  “I don’t know. Mom’s been acting weird. She’s crying a lot. Working too much. She hasn’t talked to me since the party.”

  “Isn’t she at work tonight though?”

  I nod and lean back on my hands. “Yea. But I need a break from being at the house.” I turn my head in his direction to find him already looking at me. “Is that okay? If you have something else to do you can take me back.”

  “We can leave whenever you want. Just tell me when you’re ready to go home.”

  Our conversation dies out, but there’s nothing awkward about sitting quietly with Canyon. There never has been. Even when we first met and he irritated the hell out of me, things were always so natural between us. Comfortable. Like we’d been friends forever.

  “What were you doing here that night? The night I was going to jump, I mean?” I’m not sure why I’m asking. Why I’ve never asked before. I guess being here is making me think about things I’ve never given much thought.

  Canyon isn’t looking at me anymore. He’s looking at his shoes. Legs swinging back and forth. “You really want to know?”

  I hesitate, because the way he asks makes me second guess if I do. But my curiosity gets the better of me, and I nod.

  “I was mad. At dad. At life. At…” he pauses so suddenly, and I feel a catch in my breath knowing he stopped himself from continuing. Part of me wonders what he was about to say but the other half has a suspicion that it has something to do with what he’s hiding. Every fraction of me wishes he’d tell me.

  “There was just a bunch of stuff going on in my life, and I needed to clear my head.” He tilts his head back, the moon highlighting his face. “I’d been coming here since I discovered it the week we first moved to Alden. Reminded me of a place I used to hang out at in Ohio, so I’d come here to think. Be alone. The night you were here, my dad and I had gotten in a fight. I was pretty livid, but then I saw you on the other side of that railing and thought about how trivial my problems must be compared to yours. I’d come up here to figure life out, and you were a red smear across the page, spelling it out for me.”

  My eyebrows furrow in confusion. “What do you mean?”

  “You reminded me that there are going to be rough times in life. Sometimes more bad than good. But none of it is worth taking your life over. I thought I’d learned that first hand but seeing you there, about to throw everything away…” His brown eyes settle on me, full of something I’m not sure I understand. “I was tired of letting the bad touch me, and I thought by helping you see there’s still some good in the world, it would open my eyes too.”

  “Did it work?” My voice is soft and his gaze is eating me alive.

  “Yea. It did.”

  I look away because there is too much going on in his. But his words still stir my soul and whatever it is brings tears to my eyes. I close them until they’re gone then look at the sky. It’s heavy with clouds, not a star in sight.

  “Are you ready to take me home?”

  “Are you ready? I told you to let me know when you are.”

  “I know. I just don’t want to be an inconvenience. You don’t have to hang out with me just because I don’t want to be home.”

  “Elle,” he says and hops off the tailgate to stand in front of me. He’s so tall and warm and even though I was trying to ignore it before, he smells amazing. He leans closer and I get hit all over again. “You are most definitely not an inconvenience.” He catches a piece of my hair, letting it slide between his fingers. It’s just one touch, but my heart is spinning.

  “Let’s go for a walk,” I say, sliding to the ground and moving around Canyon. I glance over my shoulder and catch him looking at my legs, before slowly trailing up every inch of my body until he meets me eyes.

  “You sure? Because I’m not going to lie, these woods are probably crawling with snakes.” There’s a trace of humor in his voice, and I bet he’s remembering my last incident with a snake. Or worse. Me in my underwear.

  Screw snakes.

  I’m more terrified of sitting here with Canyon and his amazing smell and perfect everything, making me feel things I shouldn’t.

  “That’s okay. I have you to protect me.”

  I wince at my words, because they almost sounded flirty.

  A pleased grin spreads across his face, and I know they did. I start walking down the dirt road and Canyon follows, falling in step beside me.

  “I have a question.”

  I continue looking at the ground, making sure nothing is about to slither past my feet. “Okay.”

  “Have you dated anyone since, you know…”

  “Since we broke up?” I finish flatly, not sure why he won’t just come out and say it.

  He bows his head, running a hand along his jaw.

  I kick a rock and watch it skid across the road. “And no. I haven’t.”

  I want to look up and see if his face gives anything away. But I think it’s safer if I don’t.

  When he doesn’t say anything I ask, “Have you?” And this time I do look at him.

  “My dad made me go on a date with one of his nurse’s daughters a few months ago but other than that, no.”

  I’m entirely too pleased with his answer, and I hope it doesn’t show. I want to ask him why he hasn’t dated other people, but I’m sure he’s wondering the same thing about me. And I definitely don’t want to tell him the reason.

  “Why didn’t it work out with the nurse’s daughter?” I ask, mildly curious.

  “I don’t know. She was nice enough but too quiet. She worked part time at the library and spent the entire date telling me to keep my voice down.”

  I snicker.

  “Hey, to be fair she said I had a nice voice. Actually, I think the word she used was lascivious.” He looks at me and grins. “She said my voice is sexy.”

  Well, she’s right.

  “You’re so full of it.” We reach the end of the road and start back up.

  “How am I full of it? She’s the one who said it.”

  “But you’re agreeing.”

  “Fine. What do you think?”

  I look up. “About what?”

  “About my voice. Do you think it’s sexy?”

 
Oh.

  “I’m not going to answer that,” I say firmly.

  He jogs ahead, so he’s walking backwards in front of me. “Come on, tell me.”

  “The only thing your voice is right now is irritating,” I say, annoyed.

  He laughs.

  And that’s when the sky breaks loose. Without warning, rain plummets down, and we’re drenched in seconds.

  “Oh my god!” I let out a shriek that spills into laughter and the next thing I know, Canyon is taking my hand and dragging me with him towards his truck. Thunder rumbles as he throws open the passenger door. I climb in and he follows, both of us laughing and gasping for air.

  “Where did that even come from?” I ask, my legs squeaking loudly against the leather seats.

  Canyon shakes out his hair, little droplets hitting my face. “I have no idea. But at least we’re cool now.”

  I don’t know what he’s talking about. With how close we are and me practically in his lap, the last thing I am is cool. Actually, I feel way too hot. I’m kicking off my flip flops when Canyon nudges me with his elbow. I look over my shoulder but nearly swallow my tongue because he’s in the process of tugging his shirt over his head, his entire hard, wet body on full display. He lowers his arms and tosses his soaked shirt in the back, but it’s still not enough time for me to look away. Lightning flashes and lights up the small space of the cab right as we make eye contact. We’re both breathing hard but my heart's beating harder, louder and more violent than the storm outside. He swallows, and I can hear it. I can hear everything, even the small voice in my head telling me how much I want to kiss him.

  I’m about to look away when his hand touches the side of my leg. We continue staring at each other and there’s a moment of hesitation before his fingers curl around the back of my knee, firm and warm, pressing against my skin. I inhale and his hand moves higher. So slow. Not slow enough.

  “Canyon.” His name passes in a whisper and I gasp when his hand slides to the top of my thigh. He grabs my hips and drags me forward and in the next breath, he crushes his mouth against mine. The kiss is slow at first, and it’s almost like I’m dreaming. But when I start to move my mouth against his, the kiss intensifies, and I know this is too powerful to be a dream. I slip my hand behind his neck and wrap my legs around his waist, kissing him with so much force it hurts. It feels like a first kiss and a last. Like he’s giving me everything but at the same time taking it all away. It’s all happening in a blur, frantic and desperate but I’m sensitive to every sensation that’s coursing through my body. His mouth is on my jaw and my neck and his hands everywhere, coaxing feelings and sounds out of me I didn’t know where possible. He guides me onto his lap so I’m straddling him and then reaches down to tug my shirt over my head. It falls to the seat with a slap and then his hands are on my hips as I grind myself against him. He kisses me again, slipping his tongue inside until all I can taste and feel and see and hear is him.

  “Canyon?”

  Something is buzzing. It’s faint but I hear it, and it easily destroys the moment.

  Canyon unravels his hands from my hair and leans back. His hair is sticking up in soft curls, his lips swollen. I’m about to tell him to forget about the noise and keep kissing me but he’s already pulling his phone from the console. As Canyon takes the call, I put my shirt back on and slide into my seat. The tone of his voice makes me wonder who he’s talking to. He looks upset. Or worried. Whatever it is, I don’t like it. His brown eyes cut to me and I have a gut wrenching feeling something isn’t right.

  “Helen, she’s going to want to come.” His eyes cut to me. He’s talking to mom and suddenly I’m having a hard time not ripping the phone out of his hand and asking her what’s wrong myself.

  “What’s going on?” I ask as soon as he hangs up.

  He tosses his phone into the console before looking at me. “Parker had to go to the emergency room.”

  My eyes go wide and my heart stops.

  It stops for so long I think I might be dead.

  But then it throbs.

  And it hurts.

  And I almost wish it would stop again.

  “What?”

  Canyon’s face is so calm but I can see the worry etched in his face. “He was admitted about an hour ago.”

  All the blood drains from my face, leaving me lifeless, utterly frozen in fear. All the wrong scenarios race through my head, only stopping when Canyon takes my face between his hands.

  “Elle, look at me.”

  I do what he asks.

  He looks me dead in the eye, until he knows I’m focusing.

  “Parker is going to be okay. Alright? Your mom said he’s doing fine. She wanted us to go home, but I know you want to check on him.”

  I nod again, tears spilling from my eyes. Canyon sweeps his thumbs up, wiping them away and then guides my head to his chest, wrapping his arms around me. I stiffen, but he holds me tight. So tight, and it’s impossible for me not to wrap my own arms around his waist and bury my face in his t-shirt. It feels like centuries since he’s held me like this, encompassing my body as well as my heart and for the first time in a while, I feel safe. Like nothing bad can hurt me. Like our past doesn’t exist and everything’s still the way it should be.

  Canyon holds me long after I’ve stopped crying but when he releases me, all the bad is still there, intensified.

  “Come on. I’ll drive you to the hospital.” He climbs into the passenger seat and starts the engine. Between the tears in my eyes and the rain falling outside, I can barely see out the window as we speed towards town. I try taming my thoughts but it’s no use. Parker’s in the hospital. After the accident, Parker was in and out but nothing out of the blue like this. The thought of something happening to him, of losing him… I’d do anything to take away Parker’s pain, because I know I’m the one who deserves it.

  We get to the hospital in ten minutes flat, and I’m out of the truck before Canyon has time to stop. I think he calls my name, but I can’t be sure as I stumble through the sliding doors and up to the reception desk, probably looking like a mad woman as I ask for Parker's room number. Canyon has caught up with me and as soon as we step into the elevator, he takes my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. The door is shut when we get there, but I don’t bother knocking. Just barge in because I need to look my big brother in the eyes and make sure he’s okay.

  When I see him lying in the bed, I stop cold. He’s wearing a hospital gown, his face white as a ghost, making the dark circles under his eyes more prominent. The scene is so similar to the first time I saw him after the accident. Like some fucked up de ja vu come back to haunt me. Taking in a shaky breath, I blink away more tears and glance at mom and the doctor standing beside her. It takes me a minute to register that it’s Canyon’s dad. He looks much older with more gray in his dark hair and he has the same tired shadows beneath his eyes as Parker does. He’s staring at Canyon with an obvious scowl on his face and when he catches my eye, he immediately looks away.

  “Let me run these tests, and I’ll be back as soon as I can with the results,” Mr. Beckett says flatly. He sidesteps around mom, still avoiding eye contact with anyone but his son. “I need to speak with you in the hall,” he instructs Canyon as he huffs past.

  “I’ll be right back.” Canyon skims his thumb along my wrist as he lets go and then disappears into the hall with his dad.

  I turn my attention back to Parker, slowly making my way to the edge of the bed. I sit down and slide my fingers into his hand, wincing at how cold it is.

  “You’re freezing,” I murmur.

  Head reclined on the pillow, he looks at me. “I’m fine. I was hot as fuck about an hour ago.”

  Mom adjusts the blankets around him looking distracted. “Watch your mouth, Parker.”

  He smiles faintly at me, as if everything is normal, and he’s not laid up in bed at the hospital. But I know better. Something is wrong, otherwise he wouldn’t be here getting tests run in the middle of the n
ight.

  “What happened?” I ask him softly. “Canyon said you passed out.”

  “Honestly, I don’t know. About the time you left I started getting a headache. I felt disoriented and the next thing I knew, I blacked out.”

  I frown. “I knew I shouldn’t have left you alone,” I say, guilt stabbing mercilessly at my chest. “This is my fault, Parker. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left…

  Parker jerks his hand away, cutting me off. “Stop!” he yells. I stare at him with wide eyes, taken aback by his outburst. Even my mom stops what she’s doing to look at him. His gray eyes bore into me with an intensity I’ve never seen from him before. He’s not mad, but I can’t exactly place the look on his face.

  “This is not your fault, Elaine. Not this. Not the wreck. Not me getting paralyzed. You have to stop blaming yourself for things you have absolutely no control over.”

  I cast my eyes down to the gross puke colored blanket while I fight down more tears. He’s right. I know he is. But letting go of the past and the guilt isn’t that easy. He isn’t the one who has to live his life knowing he took away someone’s ability to walk. Knowing he took away someone’s dreams and their future. He doesn’t have to go through life knowing he took all that away from his own sibling. That’s the messed up part. That I took all that away from one of the people I love most in this world.

  The room feels void, like all the life has been sucked out of it. The door clicks open and Canyon steps in with his dad close behind.

  “Helen, can I talk to you and Parker alone?”

  He’s holding papers and I wonder if it’s Parker’s results.

  “Wait, are those the test results?”

  Everyone’s eyes are on me, but I don’t take mine off Mr. Beckett.

  “I’d like to discuss this with your mom and Parker for the time being.”

  “They don’t care if I stay.” I look at Parker, then mom. “Right?”

  Mom’s jaw is quivering, her hand placed halfway over her mouth. “I think it’s better if Canyon takes you home. It’s late and you’re half soaked. I’ll call you tomorrow and give you an update.”

  My heart sinks into my stomach like a stone. Is she for real? She seriously expects me to leave without knowing what’s wrong?