by Monica Cole
“You’re a sight for sore eyes.” His voice is gruff and weak but there’s a hint of a smile.
I wipe my eyes on my sleeve and sit on the edge of the bed when he pats the empty space next to him.
“Should I get the nurse?” I ask him. I’m not sure how long he’s been asleep or if someone needs to know that he’s awake.
He shakes his head and motions for the pitcher of water on the table. “No, it’s okay. Can you hand me some water?”
I bring him the little pink cup filled with lukewarm water.
“God, I’m thirsty.” He downs it in one gulp and finishes two more after that.
“You’re gonna pee yourself if you don’t watch it.”
His lips perk up. “I’m hooked up to a catheter,” he says and then cocks an eyebrow. “Wanna see?”
I roll my eyes but can’t help smiling. “You’re such a perv.”
He sets the empty cup on the bed and leans his head against the pillow. “How long have you been here?” He asks.
I grab the cup and set it back on the table. “Since you got here,” I say honestly.
“You haven’t left in two days?” He frowns, not sounding at all happy. “Have you even slept?”
“I feel asleep right here a few hours ago.”
He shakes his head. “Have you at least eaten something?”
I avert my eyes to tile floor. “Coffee?”
He exhales and rubs the hair off his forehead. “You better be glad I can’t get out of this bed.” He tells me. “I understand why you’re here, Elle, but you’ve got to take care of yourself.”
“It’s kind of hard to think about myself when you’re lying in a hospital bed, 48 hours after you told me you might die.” I say frustrated. I scoop my hair up and secure it in a ponytail, then look back to see him watching me. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. That’s all I care about.”
He leans forward and grabs my hand, intertwining our fingers. I notice he isn’t ice cold anymore. That must be good.
“I’m okay right now. My dad’s been checking on me every few hours and so have the nurses.”
“Have they figured out what’s wrong?”
“My doctor said my heart is stressed. It’s having to work twice as hard which caused me to pass out. I’m going to need the transplant as soon as possible but the problem is that I’m low on the list.” He pauses, eyes carefully scanning my face and lets out a defeated sigh. “It’s not looking very good right now.”
“Don’t say that.” I croak. I release a painful breath and look at him. “Please don’t say stuff like that. You told me to stay positive but I can’t when you’re pointing out the negative things.”
“I’m being honest, Elle. There’s no easy way to say it.”
I press my fingers into my eyes, then wipe away the tears staining my face. I’m starting to understand why he kept this from me because the pain is all consuming. Like a wave that continues crashing over my head, dragging me under.
“Hey, look at me.”
I look at him. His eyes and lips and nose and dimples that are faintly visible from the way his mouth is tilted. I look at him because I don’t know how many more times I’ll get to. I look at him because that scares me. I scoot over and rest my head on his chest and he wraps his arms around me, pressing his mouth to my forehead.
“Right now, everything is okay.” He says against my hair. “I’m still here. My hearts still fighting and that’s all that matters.”
I want to believe him. I want this moment to be enough. But for the first time in a while, I’m not worried about the past or the present. I’m worried about the future because this moment doesn’t matter if Canyon isn’t in it. Nothing does.
Chapter Twenty
Canyon leaves the hospital two days later. At least that’s what mom tells me since she’s been working the last few days. I try texting and calling but he never responds, so I do my best to keep preoccupied with other things. It’s a rainy Friday afternoon and Parker and I are in the middle of watching White Collar when I receive a text. When I see Canyon’s name flash across the screen, my heart stops. I throw the bag of Cheetos off my lap and sit up as I read his message.
Canyon: Sorry I never replied to your texts. It’s been a hectic few days.
Me: It’s okay.
I re-read my message, realizing how dumb it sounds. I quickly respond with another.
Me: How are you feeling?
Again, dumb. He probably feels like crap.
Canyon: I feel alright. Seriously craving a burger though.
Me: I can bring you one if you want.
Canyon: Someone sounds anxious to see me.
Me: On second thought, I might pick up a burger for myself and send you pictures of me stuffing my face.
Canyon: Yes, Elle. I would love if you’d bring me a burger.
Me: Extra pickles?
Canyon: Are you seriously asking that? Yes. Extra pickles.
Me: See you in twenty.
After a quick shower, I get dressed and tell Parker I’m going to see Canyon. I swing by Alden Dairy Bar and pick up our food, then head to Canyon’s apartment. When I get there I let myself in, which isn’t an easy task holding a bag of food and two milkshakes. I’m walking down the hallway but stop short when I hear laughter. I peek around the corner into Canyon’s room, my eyes narrowing when I see a girl a little older than me sitting on the edge of his bed, her hand resting on his abdomen. She gets up and leans over him, and it’s then I realize she must be his nurse since she’s wearing bright pink scrubs.
“I’ll be back tomorrow but don’t hesitate to call if you need anything,” she drawls.
I step in to the room and clear my throat.
They both look in my direction. The nurse frowns, not looking the least bit happy I’m here.
“Who is she?” She looks at Canyon like I’m incapable of answering her question.
“This is Elle, my girlfriend.” He holds my gaze, like he’s trying to gage my reaction to the word ‘girlfriend’. I’m definitely not disappointed. Not like the nurse when she says, “Oh.” She bends down to gather her bags then huffs past me. “Well, I better get going. See you later, Canyon.”
“Thank you, Marissa.” Canyon calls after her. She slams the door on her way out.
I slowly approach the bed and set our food on the nightstand. “So, girlfriend, huh?”
Canyon shrugs as he starts digging through the bag. “I think it has a nice ring to it.”
He hands me my burger but I’m full from my triple chocolate milk shake. “Your friend didn’t seem to think so,” I say, chewing on the end of my straw.
He swallows and rolls his eyes. “She’s not my friend. She’s my nurse.”
“Yea, your sexy, call me if you need anything nurse.”
Canyon takes another bite of his burger. The thing is literally covered in pickles. You can see more of them than meat. Which is disgusting.
“Are you seriously worried about her?”
I shrug.
“Well you shouldn’t be. After everything I’ve had to go through to get you back, I’d be any idiot to screw it up again.”
I finish the rest of my shake until it makes a loud, annoying slurping noise.
“Hey.”
I glance up at him. He’s finished with his burger, and I spot some ketchup on the corner of his mouth.
“Yea?” I ask, still eyeing his mouth.
“Look, I know I screwed up with you trusting me. And I know it’s something we’re going to have to work on. But I would never cheat on you, Elle. Ever. I thought about you every day you were gone, and I’ve thought about you every day since you’ve been back. You are the only girl I want. Only. You. Got it?”
He raises an eyebrow, and I can’t take it anymore. His words combined with the ketchup on those perfectly full lips are driving me insane. Without answering, I slam my empty cup on the dresser and climb onto his lap and straddle him. His hands glide up my thighs, settlin
g on my hips.
“Sorry, but you have some ketchup right…” my words trail off as I lean forward and crush my chest against his. My tongue sweeps across his lip, licking it away. Canyon’s eyes are closed and his head is tilted back, resting against the headboard.
He lets out a deep groan. “Is that why you came here? To torture me?”
Fighting a grin, I scoot back. “No. I came here because I missed you. And you asked me to bring you a burger.”
His eyes open, settling on my mouth. “I’m hungry for something else now.” He runs his hands higher up my stomach, stopping right below my breasts.
“I brought you a milkshake.” I try reaching for it, but he jerks me back and in one swift movement, rolls us over so that he’s lying on top of me. He pushes up, keeping most his weight on his forearms but leaves all the right places still touching.
“I don’t think a milkshake is going to cut it.” His voice is thick and rough as he skims his nose over my jaw and down my neck. He bites gently, my eyes drifting closed as his mouth travels back to my jaw. My cheeks. My nose. He grazes my mouth with the softness of butterfly wings, but I feel it. Everywhere. Inside and out. From my head to the tip of my toenails. My entire body is humming and throbbing and needy. When his mouth skims mine again, I whimper. Actually whimper because I feel like I’m going crazy waiting for him to kiss me.
“Canyon,” I whisper. I open my eyes, his face inches away. A rush of hot air escapes my lungs and I reach up, tangling my hands through the hair at the nape of his neck. I tug. He groans. Captures my bottom lip between his teeth and bites hard before sucking it into his mouth. I moan and I’d almost be ashamed of the sound if his mouth wasn’t working mine the way it is. Hard then soft. Slow then fast.
“Canyon. Please kiss me.” I sound so desperate but I don’t care. I need him to kiss me. More than I need air or blood or whatever it is that keeps my body functioning.
“I like when you beg.” He grins and licks the corner of my mouth.
“Who’s torturing who now?”
“It’s called payback. And correct me if I’m wrong …” He trails off, sucking the tender spot below my ear. “But I think you’re enjoying it.”
Is it possible to hate and love someone so much at the same time? Because I do. I hate him so much right now that I think it’s bordering on love.
“How much do you want me to kiss you?” His deep voice vibrates against my ear bringing me even closer to the edge.
“I don’t want you to kiss me. I need you to kiss me.”
His mouth trails back to mine, and he places a chaste kiss against my lips. I moan and he kisses me again. And again. And then he’s kissing me with so much force I think I might dissolve into the mattress. His free hand yanks at my hair and when his tongue plunges into my mouth, I lose it. The world crashes to a halt and for a split second in time, Canyon and I are the only thing that matter. The good. The bad. The past and the future. They don’t exist. It’s just us. Just the way it should be.
Canyon continues kissing me and the world only starts spinning again when he stops. He rolls onto his back and pulls me closer, my head resting on his chest. His heart is beating fast and that scares me. His heart has always scared me because I know he has so much of me in it. So much that he willing put in and I always wondered why he carved out so much space for me to fit in there. But now I’m scared for a different reason. I’m scared because his heart is failing him and it kills me to think that someone with a heart as big as his could break so easily. How so much bad could corrode something so good?
“You’re thinking about something,” Canyon’s gravelly voice interrupts my thoughts. I lift my head from his chest and run my fingers over his jaw.
“Prove it,” I say, trailing my finger down his neck.
“Don’t lie to me Elle.”
“I’m not.”
He pushes up on his elbow, and I roll to my back. He cocks an eyebrow. “Aren’t we supposed to be working on trusting each other?” he asks.
“No. I’m supposed to be working on trusting you.”
He rolls his eyes. “Trust involves two people. If you want to trust me, talk to me.”
I sigh. “I’m thinking about your heart. I’m thinking about how it’s not fair that someone like you has to go through this. Your heart's so big, Canyon. You care about people. You’re a good person. It’s not fair.”
Canyon reaches up, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. “Life isn’t fair, Elle. It’s actually pretty fucked up. But there’s beauty in it too. If you look past all the bad. Past all the mistakes and the pain, there’s beauty. There’s good. There’s something worth living for. You are my something. Even before I met you. You were the reason I held on and the reason I still do. The reason I’ll enjoy life until I take my last breath.”
He kisses the tip of my nose and wipes away a tear.
“How can you be so optimistic?” I search his face as if it’s hiding the answer. “That’s like seeing a silver lining on a rain cloud.”
“I’m optimistic because I choose to be,” he answers. “We always have a choice, Elle. To be happy or sad. To hold on to things or let them go. The circumstance will always be the same but how you choose to deal with it determines a lot. I chose to be happy. To enjoy life. And I’m glad I did because if I had taken the easy way out, I wouldn’t have met you. And you were worth enduring life the hard way.”
I squeeze my eyes shut but the tears still come. My heart still hurts. And the empty pit in my stomach grows. His words slice me to the core, and the truth penetrates me. I hate it. I hate the truth so much. But sometimes the things we don’t want are exactly what we need. His words make me realize that. After all this time, it hits me like I’m slamming into all the walls I built around myself. I get it.
“I want to be happy, Canyon.” Sobs rack through my body, strangling my words. “I want to let go of the past. I want to stop blaming myself, but it’s so hard when I look at Parker. It’s hard when I look at myself, and I think about what I did. How I took his life away.”
He exhales and pulls me on top of him, his hand guiding my head to his chest. I bury my face in the crook of his neck and after what feels like centuries of keeping it in, I let go. He holds me while I cry, tears soaking through his shirt and doesn’t let me go until I’ve stopped. He tilts my chin up with his finger, so I’m looking him in the eye.
“Listen to me. No matter what you think, you are not responsible for what happened to Parker. It’s not your fault. Not the wreck. Not Parker getting paralyzed. All of that is because of the asshole who ran the stop light and caused the wreck.”
“But we wouldn’t have been out if I hadn’t snuck to the party,” I argue.
Canyon rakes a hand through his hair and shakes his head. “Maybe you don’t agree with this, but I think everything happens for a reason. Parker could have been out driving on his own that night and if he was meant to be in that wreck, it was going to happen whether you were there or not.”
He drags his thumb over my mouth silencing any more protest. “The only way you’re going to let go of this and stop blaming yourself is if you accept what happened. You can’t change the past. You can fix your mistakes. Parker loves you, Elle, and he hates what the wreck did to you. He hates it more than what it did to him. You’re not the only one who feels guilty. You’re not the only one who hurts when they look at you. You have to let it go. You have to move on. Not just for your sake.”
Whoever said the truth will set you free is a liar. It might set you free but it will shoot you down in the process. I feel like it’s killing me. Too much honesty and I’m not sure how to process it. I know Canyon’s right. And hearing him say how much I’ve hurt Parker by holding on to the past is like a hammer driving a nail into my heart. I was so caught up in how much I was hurting, I didn’t realize I was hurting other people in the process.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, burying my face in his neck.
Canyon runs a hand down my hair
, his arms tightening around me. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
He kisses the top of my head and lays me back on the pillow.
“I love you, Elle.” He gives me a soft, lingering kiss and pulls the covers over us.
“I love you, too,” I whisper.
I curl onto my side, and he wraps his arms and legs around mine. If I could freeze any moment in time, it would be this one. I could spend an eternity in his arms, knowing that nothing bad could touch us. His heart would still beat and I could finally live free of my demons. As much as I want time to stand still, it continues moving. But for the first time in a while, I feel like my world isn’t spinning out of control. For the first time in a while, my world is finally back on its axis.
Chapter Twenty-One
On Sunday I take Parker to the cliff where I met Canyon. It’s only been a few weeks since I’ve been here but it still makes my heart ache. In good ways. And bad. It aches. I like it though. It reminds me that I’m alive. That I chose it. I chose to live when three years ago I could’ve let go of that railing. I could’ve let go of the pain and the guilt instead of continue to live with what I’d done. I could have and it would have been so easy. But then Canyon came along and told me my life was worth something. He told me that in order to be strong, you have to endure. So that’s what I did. I endured. And even though there were times when it made me weaker, I look at myself now and know he was right. There’s always something in life worth living for. It’s beautiful, even when it’s ugly.
Parker and I are sitting in the car but neither of us have said anything. I stayed up half the night thinking about what I was going to say then spent the rest of the night dreaming about it. This morning I prayed. That I’d say the right things. That I could say anything. He hasn’t pushed me to talk, but I think he knows why we’re here which makes this harder.
“I’m trying to make sure this comes out right,” I finally say.
Parker takes his eyes off the windshield, but I keep mine focused straight ahead.