by Monica Cole
“I have so much I want to say, but I’m not sure how to say it. All the words, they’re scrambled up in my head. I’ve thought a lot about this, but I still feel like I’m going to mess up. That I’m not going to say the right things and that’s what I need. To make things right.”
I turn my head and look at him. He nods, a silent cue that I can do this and to keep going. So I do.
“I’m sorry, Parker. I don’t think I can tell you that enough. I’m sorry for so many different reasons. I’m sorry for blaming myself for what happened to you. I’m sorry for feeling guilty and continuing to hold onto it for all these years. I didn’t realize I was making you feel guilty, too. I didn’t think about you. Or Canyon or mom. I didn’t realize I was hurting anyone. I just wanted to make things right. I wanted to erase the past and draw everything back in the way it should be. I wanted you to be able to walk and play football. Finish college. I wanted to give you your life back, Parker. That’s what hurt me the most. Seeing all your dreams crash around you. That’s what made me feel guilty. I thought mine deserved to be there, too.”
My voice breaks, but I’m proud of myself for getting most of it out in the open. It’s like ripping off a band aide. The worst part is over. I’m one step closer to healing.
“Elaine,” Parker rubs his chin then drops his hand to his lap. “My dreams, they never mattered more than you or mom. You two have always come first. Not going to college. Not playing football. Nothing. I’d give it all up again if it meant I could make ya’ll happy. That’s what I want you to realize. You didn’t take anything from me. Life happens. It happened to me and yea, it sucks, Elaine. It sucks being in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, but then I think about how it could have been you and it makes it okay. What doesn’t make it okay is that you’ve let this one event control your life, and I’ve had to watch you walk around with it chained to your ankle like a punishment.”
My shoulders shake as I cry silently. I take in his words and what they mean. I can’t believe he was hurting the same way. I can’t believe I never saw it. How much I was hurting him.
“I’m sorry, Parker. I didn’t know you felt like that. I’m so sorry.” I drop my head against the seat and inhale, my lungs shaking as they fill with air. “I want to move on. That’s why we came here. I’m ready to heal, and I’m ready to let go of the past. I wish I would have done it sooner.”
“It doesn’t matter,” he tells me. His voice sounds different and I think he might be crying, but I keep staring at the ceiling. “You’re doing it know. It might take some time, but you’re going to heal, okay? And listen to me. This is going to happen again. At some point in your life something will happen, and it’s going to try to drag you back to that same place. Don’t go back there. Don’t let yourself go back to that place where you blame yourself for what life chooses. You have to be strong, even when it hurts. Always be strong, Elaine. If you take away one thing from this, just remember that.”
I nod. It’s all I can manage at the moment. I continue crying and when I’ve finally sobered, I feel like a new person. Like my tears have cleaned me out and washed away the taint of the past. We sit for a while longer. Not talking. Just staring out the window at our little town as it lights up against the soft pink glow of the setting sun. I look at the railing, and I picture the old me standing there. I wish I could tell her how it turns out because it’s good. It’s so good. I wish I could tell her that she chooses to live and that she ends up living for so many moments. But most importantly, she lives for this one. She chooses to be strong. And finally, in this moment right here, she is.
I find mom in the kitchen when we get home. She’s pulling a frozen lasagna from the oven, still dressed in her scrubs. I assume she just got off work since she wasn’t here this morning. She looks tired. Dark circles under her eyes and her hair is an untamed mess around her shoulders. She looks bad. And I feel bad. Like somehow it’s my fault that she does. I walk over to the counter where she’s putting together a salad and put my hand on hers. It’s a simple gesture but it feels so significant. Like I’m saying a thousand things with one touch.
She stops cutting a cucumber and sets the knife down. She drops her head and her shoulders begin to shake. I’m not sure why she’s crying. Maybe she can tell what’s about to happen. I’ve been thinking about it since Parker and I left the cliff. All the things I need to tell her. Somehow I find myself crying with her, burying my face in her shoulder as she embraces me. It’s been ages since we’ve hugged. I forgot how much I missed it. I’ve missed my mom. We cry for a long time, until I’m sure the lasagna is cold and my legs are starting to wobble. Finally she pulls away, smoothing a piece of hair off my face and giving me a tear stained smile.
“I’m sorry, mom.” I say, making sure to look her in the eyes, because I want her to know I mean everything I’m about to say. “I’m sorry for ever letting things get this bad between us. I should’ve fixed it sooner, but I didn’t know how. I still don’t. I messed up leaving you and Parker behind, and I wish I could take it back. I wish I had been there for ya’ll, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“Oh Elaine, baby.” My mom cradles my face between her hands. They’re shaking and she’s crying again. “It’s okay sweetie. It’s okay. I messed up, too. I was just as clueless as where to start fixing things, and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I was mad at you. I love you, Elaine. So much. And I am so proud of you. I’m not angry that you left. You went to school and are doing so well. There’s no shame in that.”
“But I shouldn’t have left the way I did. I didn’t even say goodbye, and I hardly talked to you or Parker the last two years. That was selfish of me, and I didn’t even realize it because I was so focused on escaping the past.”
Mom shakes her head, her blue eyes glossy and wide. “I wish you wouldn’t have left the way you did, but you can’t take it back. I understand why you left, and as much as I missed you, I knew you needed space. Some time to move on and live your life. Don’t ever be sorry for living your life, Elaine.”
She hugs me again before pulling back. “I love you, sweetheart. I wish we could have had this talk the moment you got here. I hate that we wasted so much time being stubborn. I guess it’s obvious where you get that from.”
I choke out a laugh and she holds me tighter. Kisses my forehead and smiles. I smile too. The pieces of my heart slowly coming back together. It’s a good feeling, even though there’s still pain. Only this is a different kind of pain. The kind that makes you stronger once you’ve healed. And I’m so ready to be stronger.
A few days later Canyon calls and tells me to meet him at the studio. He says to dress nice, and if I show up in a t-shirt, he’ll be using it tonight as bondage. I kind of like the idea of him tying me down. I’m tempted to wear a t-shirt. Instead I do what he asks and wear my trusty yellow sundress he seems to like so much. I arrive at the studio ten minutes before he told me to be there, but when he sees what I’m wearing, we pass the time making out in the back room until the bell on the front door rings. We emerge from the back, and I’m surprised to see mom and Parker. Parker is wearing a white button down, and mom is wearing a white dress with a light blue sweater. Canyon hugs mom and tells her how pretty she looks. Parker smiles at me when I catch his eye, and I have a feeling he already knows what’s going on. Canyon takes us to the back and starts messing with his camera while he and Parker engage in a conversation. Mom comes up beside me, tucking a curl behind my ear.
“You look beautiful Elaine,” There are tears in her eyes, and I blink back my own.
“You too, mom.” We hug and I hesitate pulling away. I’ve missed hugging her. Now that things are different between us, I plan on hugging her a lot more.
“Are you two ready?” Canyon snaps a few shots of me and mom before we pull away. We walk in front of the black backdrop, and it suddenly hits me what’s about to happen.
“You’re taking pictures of us?” I ask
He positions mom besi
de Parker before maneuvering me to his other side. “Family pictures,” he corrects. “So make sure to put a big ass smile on your face.” He winks and taps my chin up with his finger. Once we’re positioned to his liking, he instructs us to smile. He takes picture after picture until I’m positive I’m going to permanently being seeing flashes of light.
“Alright, Canyon,” my mom says, “put that thing on a timer and get over here.”
He looks up from his camera, grinning. “You sure?”
Mom rolls her eyes and waves him over. “Yes, I’m sure. You’re practically a son to me.”
Parker reaches up and takes her hand, giving it a squeeze. Canyon runs across the room and grabs a stand for his camera. He messes with it for a minute then comes to stand behind me. He wraps his arms around my waist and kisses my temple.
“Ready?”
The camera flashes and I smile. So big, I’m sure it looks cheesy. But I don’t care. It’s genuine. One of the first genuine smiles I’ve had in a while, and it’s all because I’m with my family. And that makes it perfect. When we’re finished, mom and Parker hang around the studio until mom suggests we meet up for lunch. When they leave, I grab my purse and start towards the bathroom to change into the spare clothes I brought.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Canyon comes up behind me and turns me around, pushing me softly against the bathroom door.
“I’m changing out of this dress,” I say. His teeth tug at my ear, and I let my head fall back as he places hot kisses down my neck.
“No,” he murmurs, pushing the straps down my arms. “Leave it on. I like it.” He places a kiss on my shoulder and slides his hand down my waist.
“Canyon.” I breathe, arching against his touch. One hand remains on my breast while his free hand roams down, pushing the dress up my thighs. His fingers trails higher and higher, curving around to my ass. He squeezes, crushing his body closer.
“Seriously, can you live in this dress?" He kisses back up my neck and my jaw, kissing the corner of my mouth.
“I don’t think you could handle that,” I tease.
He grins against my mouth and rests his hand at the top of my panties. “Oh yea? Because I think I could totally handle putting my hands on you all the time. Peeling this dress off of your body. Every. Damn. Day.”
Curling a finger under the top band of my thong, he tugs it down, his mouth roaming down my neck. When my panties are at my thighs, he drops to his knees, running both hands up to my hips, forcing them against the door. His mouth is on the inside of my thigh and I breathe out a curse when he grabs my panties between his teeth and slowly drags them down. When they drop to my ankles, he tells me to step out and I do. Hell, I’d do anything he asked me to right now. He stands up, a smug look on his face that makes his dimples appear.
“You wear that dress, and I’ll let you have these back tonight.”
My mouth drops open. He presses a finger against it.
“Please?” He gives me big brown puppy dog eyes, but all they do is make me want to rip this dress off and have him take me right here against the bathroom door.
“You’re driving me crazy,” I tell him, my voice ragged.
He runs a thumb over my lips before placing a kiss there. “Good. Because it’s going to drive me equally as crazy watching you strut around in this dress knowing you have absolutely nothing on underneath.”
He kisses me again. Harder. Until I see stars and moons and planets. I think he kisses me out of this galaxy.
When he pulls away his lips are swollen and wet. He licks them, and I let out a frustrated moan.
“Come on,” he chuckles, “we’re going to be late for lunch.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
“So are you going to tell us your news, or are we going to have to wait all night?” Without taking her eyes off Canyon, mom reaches over and grabs a warm chocolate chip cookie off the coffee table. She’s been baking all day. Cookies. Brownies. Something called Chocolate Lasagna that turns out, doesn’t actually have anything to do with lasagna like I originally presumed. Parker has been in chocolate heaven to say the least, and it’s kind of cute the way he’s snoozing in front of the T.V. He passed out about ten minutes ago while me, mom and Canyon talk and finish off the last of the cookies.
Canyon came over early this afternoon after mom gave him a call and told him we’re having a day full of baking and watching movies. I’m not really sure what the occasion is. Maybe there isn’t one, but I’ve enjoyed spending time with everyone like this. Talking. Laughing. Eating. Way too much eating. I lean back on Canyon’s chest, feeling sick from the sixth cookie I just consumed. At least I’m calling it six. I lost count some point around my second serving of Chocolate Lasagna.
Canyon chuckles softly when he notices I’m holding my stomach. He kisses the top of my head and rolls his head back to look at mom who’s sitting in the recliner.
“Maybe I should wait a little longer. Since you seem so anxious to know and everything.”
Mom rolls her eyes at his playfulness and picks up a shirt from the basket of laundry she’s folding. “You wait much longer, and I’ll have to beat it out of you.” She threatens, her voice stern but her eyes light. Canyon laughs, absentmindedly stroking the sliver of skin where the bottom of my t-shirt has ridden up. I close my eyes, the soft strokes making me sleepy.
“I went to the doctor today.”
This makes me perk up, although I still remain lying down. Damn cookies.
Mom folds a pair of her scrubs and tosses them in another basket. “Oh yea? And how did that go?”
“Pretty good actually.” He pauses for a long time and I crane my head back to look at him. He smiles at mom, then at me. “I found a donor.”
Mom gasps in excitement, and I jerk up so fast, I almost smack him in the face with my head. He laughs as I swivel in his lap to face him, my eyes wide and glazing over with tears.
“They found someone?” I ask unbelievably, my voice shaking with emotion. The smile he gives me is devastating. Unrestrained and full of happiness. It fills my heart to the point I think it might burst.
“Yea. They just found out yesterday and told me when I came in for my appointment this morning. They said they're scheduled to have it by next week.”
Now I’m smiling. And laughing and crying. Mom comes over and plops down beside us, wrapping all three of us in one giant hug. The moment is so surreal. I never want it to end. Unless it’s to fast forward to after Canyon’s surgery, because that’s the only thing I can think of that could top this moment. Canyon fills us in on what he knows which isn’t much other than the surgery should take place by next week. I ask mom if we should wake Parker, but she says we can tell him in the morning. She takes Parker to his room and puts him to bed and once mom is in her room for the night, I throw my leg over Canyon’s lap so I’m straddling him. He cocks an eyebrow and snakes his hands beneath my shirt.
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but you seem kind of excited about something.”
He drags his fingertips down my stomach, gripping my hips as I rock against him. “You could say that.” I smirk and graze my mouth across his. His eyes close, and I gasp as he runs a hand up my thigh, his thumb sweeping across the sensitive skin between my legs.
“Room?” he asks.
I nod, breathless, “Room.”
We scramble off the couch, laughing as we stumble down the dark hallway. He stops to kiss me more than once before we get to my room, pushing me against the wall and walking me backwards until I fall through my door. He shuts it softly, eyes roaming down my body before he closes the distance between us. We’re both breathing hard and it’s the only thing I can hear other than sound of my heart hammering in my ears. Holding his gaze, I reach down and tug my t-shirt over my head. Even though he’s seen me naked before, it’s the most exposed I’ve ever felt in my life. Like he’s seeing me for the first time instead of the hundredth. He mutters something indecipherable and clenches his jaw and the next thing I
know, he’s shoving me on the bed and climbing on top of me.
His mouth slams against mine. His breath hot and heavy and loud as it echoes around us. Grabbing my wrists, he lifts them above my head and pins them to the mattress. He kisses my collarbone. My chest. The curve of my breast as he slides a hand behind my back and unhooks my bra. Then he leans back on his legs and yanks his t-shirt over his head. I stare, taking in every detail of his body so that it’s engrained in my mind like colorful ink. I stare until he’s the only thing I see. The only thing I feel. The only thing that matters. He’s watching me too, and I remember what he said about me always being in his heart. I wonder if this is what he meant because right now, I know there’s nothing that could erase this moment. Nothing that could make me stop loving Canyon.
“You’re thinking about something,” he says, dropping down on his elbows so that his face is right above mine.
“You always say that.”
“And I’m usually right, am I not?”
He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear and rolls his lips together, searching my face like somehow it holds all the answers.
“You don’t have to tell me. But I know you enough to tell when the wheels in your head are spinning. You get this far off look in your eyes. And your mouth.” He reaches up and traces the shape. “You always scrunch it over to the side like you’re frustrated.”
I stick out my tongue, and he chuckles as he pushes it back in with his finger. “Very attractive,” he says sarcastically, but his husky voice takes all playfulness out of his tone and instead sends a tremor spiraling right between my legs.
“Canyon.” I breathe, mesmerized how his eyes darken at the sound of his name.
Like he knows exactly what I want, he glides a hand up my thigh to the waistband of my shorts. His fingers find the button and flick it open. He eases them off, taking my panties with them then glides his finger down my center before gently pushing inside. I start to gasp but his mouth claims mine and swallows all my noises. He kisses me hard but works his fingers harder, his thumb rubbing in rhythmic circles, bringing me closer and closer…