by Monica Cole
“Canyon,” I pant, breaking our kiss. I open my eyes and push up on my elbows.
His fingers still, and his eyes find mine.
“I need you inside me.” My words are punctuated with each gasp for air, but there’s no doubt he understands me.
I start to undo the button on his jeans but stops short when he cussing under his breath. “I don’t have condom,” he says dragging a hand through his hair, clearly frustrated.
“You don’t need one.” I reach for his zipper and tug it down. I pause, glancing up at him. “I want to know what you feel like inside me without one.”
Before I have a chance to blink, he rips his pants and boxers off and tosses them on the floor. He nudges his knee between my legs and spreads them apart. Then without warning, thrusts inside of me, driving my body up with so much force that the headboard knocks against the wall. He smiles against my neck, and I bite down on my lip to stifle a laugh as the bed squeaks underneath us. As he rocks against me, I close my eyes. Surrender myself to the sensations building in my body until they become too much and I finally let go. Down. Down. Down. Until I’m back in Canyon’s arms, cradled close to his chest, the erratic beat of his heart thrumming against my back.
“Fuck, I missed that.” He wraps his arm around my waist and threads his fingers through mine. “If I forget to bring condoms every time, it may or may not be an accident.”
I laugh against the pillow. “That good, huh?”
He moves so that I roll onto my back and he’s hovering above me, his head resting on his hand. “The best.” He kisses my forehead. “Give me five minutes, and I’ll show you again how good I think it is.” He winks and I roll my eyes, even though I’m sure he’s not exaggerating when he says five minutes.
“We need to sleep.” I yawn. I pick up my phone off the dresser and flash the screen in his eyes. “It’s two in the morning.”
“What’s that saying? Time flies when you’re having a fuck.”
“Fun,” I correct, trying not to smile. “Time flies when you’re having fun.”
“Pretty sure that’s the same thing.” He flashes me a playful grin, and I do the same as I rest my head in the crook of his arm. I yank the covers over us and thread my leg through his, then tilt my head back to kiss his scruffy jaw.
“I’m happy,” I say, laying my head back on his chest.
“I’m glad you’re happy,” he replies, his sleepy voice rumbling deep in his chest. He squeezes me tight and a few minutes later, he’s asleep. I close my eyes and thread my fingers through his.
Me too.
Chapter Twenty-Three
I must be having a nightmare. It’s dark, and all I hear is screaming. Loud and shrill. Making my blood run cold under my skin. I feel like I’m frozen in place, and all I want is to wake up and figure out where the screaming is coming from. It’s getting louder and my pulse is racing, thundering in my ears. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. My brain is yelling at my body but it’s no use. My first thought is that I’m dreaming about the past. The night I tried to take my life. I dreamed about it a lot after my attempt but nothing like this. Nothing this real and potent and terrifying. Suddenly, after what feels like a lifetime of lying still in the darkness, the numbness subsides and I can move my limbs again. I thrash my arms and legs, blinking my eyes until the dark begins to fade. In and out. In and out.
I’m in my room. Lying in my bed. Sunlight streaming through the window and not a trace of darkness threatening to drag me under again. I blink a few more times and pinch my arm to make sure I’m awake. But this has to be real. The only problem is that the screaming hasn’t stopped, and I realize it’s coming from right outside my door. The heart wrenching sound is coming from mom which immediately has me in a panic. Canyon isn’t in bed either which is weird since he fell asleep here just a few hours ago. I quickly throw on a pair of sweats and barrel out into the hallway. I run into the living room but stop cold.
Mom is curled up on the ground, rocking back and forth, sobbing into her hands. My initial reaction should be to make sure she’s okay, but just like in my dream, I’m frozen in place. I’ve never seen my mom like this. And I can feel my heart breaking in a completely new way. As I’m staring at mom, I catch something from the corner of my eye. Canyon rushes through the open door, coming to a halt when he sees me. His face is pale and the fear swimming in his eyes tells me something isn’t right. Something is really, really wrong. Because even though I’ve never seen him cry, I can tell he’s fighting back tears. He tears his eyes off me, and he walks over to mom. He bends down and tries helping her to her feet, but she’s all dead weight and sinks back to the ground.
“Helen,” he says softly, but there’s urgency in his tone, “you have to get up. If you don’t, the ambulance is going to leave without you.” He tries lifting her up again but she just cries harder and grips onto his legs, her face buried in his legs.
“No. No please. Please don’t let them take my baby.” She pounds her fist into Canyon's leg. “Please don’t take him.”
I throw my hand over my mouth, tears streaming out of my eyes. I don’t know what’s going on but seeing my mom like this, hearing the words she’s screaming out in agony is enough to gut me. I feel sick. Frozen. I can’t move. I wish this was a dream. Why can’t this be a dream?
I’m crying so hard and everything’s a blur. I can barely make out one of the paramedic who walks through the door. “She coming?” he asks Canyon.
I look over to find Canyon bent down, his arms wrapped around mom. He stands up, carrying her with him and then follows the paramedic outside.
It seems like hours pass before Canyon appears again. I’m still standing in the same spot, helpless and clueless and scared as hell. He walks over to me and takes my face between his hands.
“Look at me.”
I cry harder.
“Elle, look at me. Right now.” His voice isn’t harsh, but I know he’s serious so I do what he asks. “Listen to me. Your mom is on the way to the hospital with Parker. Something’s wrong, but we’re not sure what. He wouldn’t wake up this morning but he’s still breathing. They have him stabilized, but we need to leave as soon as possible.”
Hearing that something is wrong with Parker sends me into a complete breakdown. This isn’t like the last time. Mom wouldn’t have been acting like that if it were. This is serious. I can see it in Canyon’s eyes, and I can feel it stabbing at my heart. The fear. The pain.
“Elle,” Canyon presses his forehead against mine, his hands shaking, “I know this hard, baby. I know. But we have to go.”
I can hardly manage a nod. Canyon lets me go, and I rush to my room to grab a pair of shoes. Once I’m ready, we climb in Canyon’s truck and speed towards the hospital. When we get there, we’re directed to the waiting room which pisses me off because I want to see my brother. To hold my mom and tell her everything’s going to be okay even though I’m not sure it is. Right now it feels like the world is closing in on me, swallowing me right into a pitch black oblivion where I’m floating through space with no air. I feel like I’m dying. At least my heart does. And the wounds that were finally starting to heal are ripping right back open.
We sit in the waiting room for the next two hours. I haven’t stopped crying and Canyon hasn’t let me go. I’m cradled in his arms, my face buried in his neck, wishing the doctor would come busting through the doors and tell us everything’s alright. That Parker’s ready to go home, and we can go back to the way things were just a few short hours ago. I should’ve known it was too good to be true. The good. It’s always stolen away by the bad. Life was finally starting to turn around and then the bad goes and mutilates it. Threatening to take away the things that mean the most to me. I don’t care if I’m happy. But I do care about Parker. And Canyon. I care that life keeps hitting them hard while I stand by and watch it happen. I can’t lose Parker. Just as much as I can’t stand the thought of losing Canyon. Why does it have to be both of them? I wish I could take their place.
Somehow I end up curled in one of the uncomfortable chairs with my head tucked against my chest. I guess I fell asleep which makes me worry that I’ve missed something important. I sit up. My neck is tense and my body is sore. Canyon is sitting beside me, a cup of coffee in his hand. He’s staring that the T.V hanging on the wall, but I don’t think he’s watching. When he notices me stirring, he sits up and reaches for a Styrofoam cup on the ground then hands it to me.
“Hey.” His voice is gruff and his eyes are red like he’s been crying. I know he has been because this is affecting him the same way it is me.
“Hey,” I answer softly. I clear the rawness from my throat before taking a sip of coffee. It’s weak, but warms me up and makes me feel a little more human.
“Have you heard anything?”
Canyon takes a drink and runs his lips together. “Not yet.”
I take another drink, watching a doctor push through the swinging doors and disappear down the hallway. “How long have I been asleep?”
“About an hour and half.” He looks over at me and runs his thumb under my eye. “You can go back to sleep if you want. I’ll wake you up when I know something.”
I shake my head, almost frantically. I didn’t mean to fall asleep in the first place and I sure as hell don’t want to sleep through something important. “That’s okay. I’m not tired.”
He drops his head back on the seat and rubs his eyes. If anyone looks tired, it’s him. After all, he was the one running around the house this morning taking care of everything. Looking after mom. Being strong. I’m glad he was there because I wouldn’t have been able to handle the situation like he did. After I finish my coffee, I quickly use the bathroom. I look terrible. Red puffy eyes and a tear streaked face, my mouth twisted into a frown, fear dilating my pupils. I splash some water on my face and twist my hair into a bun, taking a deep breath as I exit the bathroom. As soon as I round the corner, I spot the nurse talking to Canyon. I rush over and she tells me Parker is in stable condition, and we’re able to see him now. Canyon takes my hand and we follow her down the white, fluorescent hallways, everything and everyone a blur around me until we reach Parker’s room.
I hurry inside and my heart swells when I see Parker sitting halfway up in the bed, holding mom’s hand from where she sits beside him. More tears sting my eyes as I make my way over and wrap my arms around mom’s neck. She’s calm, until I start shaking and sobbing. She cries with me, holding me the way only a mother can and when she finally pulls away, I feel an odd sense of comfort which doesn’t seem right as we sit in the bleak hospital room. When I finally look at Parker, a small wave of relief crashes over me, momentarily drowning out the fear and the ache and the uncertainty. He’s awake. Alive. The weakest smile trying to form on his lips and for the first time this morning, I feel hope. Hope that everything’s going to be okay. Hope that the good really can overcome the bad.
“How are you feeling?” I ask, twisting my body so that I’m facing him. I keep holding mom's hand. She’s gripping it tight and I want her to know I’m here for her. “Have you heard anything from the doctor? Do they know what’s wrong?”
My questions come a million miles an hour. Parker reaches over and takes my other hand, silencing me.
“I’m okay,” he assures me but his gray eyes tell a different story. A lie. He’s not okay. The horrible feeling is churning in my gut. I want to believe him, but I can’t. Because everything around me is screaming otherwise.
“Elaine.”
I drag my eyes off the blanket and look at him. He glances at Canyon, then mom.
“We need to tell her.” He’s not asking for permission. There’s determination in his voice, but it’s also masked with defeat.
Mom starts crying again but nods her head in agreement. Canyon sits down on the other side of Parker, right behind me.
“Elaine, I have something to tell you but you have to promise to hear me out. Okay?”
I nod my read reluctantly. I’m not sure I want to hear this. I know I don’t. But I also want answers.
He reaches for his cup of water and takes a sip before starting. “I’m sick,” he says bluntly, the words stabbing like a dull knife through my chest. “I’ve been sick for a while only I didn’t find out until about two months ago. I’d been leaking spinal fluid for half a year, ignoring the symptoms and writing them off as nothing. But they kept getting worse and worse until mom finally made me see a doctor. That’s when we found out the leak had become infected and was causing my brain to swell. The doctor put me on medication and told me the leak could potentially need surgery, but I decided to give the medicine a go and see if it cleared up the issue.”
“Eventually the infection cleared up but not two weeks later it was back. The doctor said the surgery would most likely be necessary, but I asked him to give me the medicine for the time being. Once that infection was cleared up, everything seemed to be okay. The headaches disappeared and I wasn’t getting dizzy spells. Everything was good. But then a few days before I called to see if you would come home for the summer, the symptoms came back full force. At that point I knew this was getting out of control, but I didn’t know what to do. I knew my insurance would barely begin to cover a surgery like that, and I didn’t want to weigh mom down with the burden of making payments for the rest of our lives. So I didn’t tell her. And then I called you because I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to see you in case something bad happened.”
He shakes his head and reclines it on the pillow, looking exhausted. “The day before you came home I had another doctor’s appointment. I asked about the surgery, and he told me I would need to have it as soon as possible, and if I didn’t, I had about a month before the infection would put too much pressure on my brain and I’d die. I talked to mom at that point and she said we’d find a way for me to have the surgery. We decided not to tell you at first. I knew it was already going to be hard for you to come back, and I didn’t want to upset you. Then the night I ended up at the hospital and you showed up…I knew we needed to tell you.”
“At that point even Canyon knew what was going on, but none of us wanted to be the ones to tell you the truth. So we didn’t. That night I found out the infection was spreading and that it was too late and too much of a risk to have the surgery. They told me if I was lucky, I’d have a few weeks to live.” He pauses and takes a deep breath then looks at me with wide, apologetic eyes that cut through my soul. “I’m sorry, Elaine, that I lied and didn’t tell you sooner. But I couldn’t stand the thought of you finally being back home just to tell you something like this. I didn’t want to deliver that kind of blow to your heart. None of us did.”
Mom squeezes my hand. “He’s right honey. We wanted to tell you but there’s nothing easy about telling someone you love something that heart wrenching.” She closes her eyes and inhales a fragile breath. “I am so sorry, Elaine. I should’ve been stronger as a mother and told you. I shouldn’t have left so many things unsaid, and I should’ve tried mending our relationship before now. If I had, I could’ve been there for you. We could have been there for each other and all of this wouldn’t be hitting you all at once.” She hugs me, smoothing her hand over my head as I start to cry on her shoulder. “I’m so sorry, baby. So, so sorry.”
I hold her tighter, keeping my face buried against her and let everything sink in. Every word and what they each mean. What any of this means. They keep apologizing, but I’m not mad. I don’t care that they lied because I get why they did. To protect me. And even though I wish they had told me sooner, the only thing I can comprehend from all of this is that Parker is dying. Dying. My big brother. My best friend. He can’t die. God, please don’t take him away. I now understand mom’s words from earlier. I understand why she was begging God. I understand the torment she was experiencing and how much she was suffering because the thought of losing Parker destroys me. Knowing he could slip away from this world at any given moment terrifies me. I don’t know how to say goodby
e to someone like that. To say a goodbye resonates throughout the entirety of your life. A goodbye that’s forever.
Once I’ve stopped crying, mom gets up to grab some tissues and returns to my side. I dry my eyes even though it’s pointless because I can’t stop crying.
“Mom.”
We all look at Parker. He looks like he’s struggling to say something. He rubs his chapped lips together and fiddles with the I.V stuck in his hand. “There’s something else I need to tell ya’ll.” Mom touches his leg comfortingly, and we wait for him to continue.
“First, I need all of you to promise that you won’t be mad. This was my choice, and I thought really hard about it even though I had no doubt I would go through with it.”
We all agree not to be mad, even though I’m sure there’s nothing that could make me angry at Parker right now.
His eyes roam from mom, to me and finally land on Canyon. “A few weeks ago, after you and Elaine left the hospital and mom left the room, I talked to your dad. I talked to him about your condition and if they’d had any luck finding a donor for you. He said you were still on a list and it wasn’t looking good. I knew right then that this was a weird kind of fate. A fucked up one, but still fate. You’ve helped me and mom over the last two years, and I’d constantly thought of ways that I could repay you. And then it hit me how I could. I told your dad I wanted to be your donor. The timing was perfect because I was down to my last few weeks, and you needed the surgery as soon as possible. So I anonymously signed the paperwork to donate my heart.”
Canyon shields his eyes with his hands as violent sobs rack through his body. Mom and I both start crying, but I try to compose myself when he looks at me. “I didn’t want you to lose both of us,” he says. “Knowing that I could save Canyon’s life became the most important thing to me because I knew it would save you too. I don’t ever want to say goodbye to you, Elaine, but knowing Canyon will be around to take care of you and mom makes all of this worthwhile. You two have been through so much and you deserve to be happy. You deserve each other, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that happens.”