A Step to Nowhere

by Natasha A. Salnikova

  CHAPTER 6

  I wanted to phone my boss from the car, but there was no time for it. I concentrated my attention on the rearview mirror, trying to see a potential spy. I was lucky to notice it (I had no idea if it was a man or a woman) after about five minutes of driving. A black Mini Cooper with dark windows followed me. The driver cut off other cars to keep up with me. But, damn him! I couldn’t see who was inside through the dark windows. When I had an opportunity to change lanes, he dodged after me with confidence, and stayed close. It was sort of funny. The runner driving an SUV and the chaser in a Mini. Those Minis though, were amazing little cars.

  A few minutes before I reached my destination the pursuer dropped back out-of-sight, as if evaporated. For a second I even believed in a supernatural explanation of the situation. Just for a second. Supernatural would be for books and films, it didn’t work for real life.

  I locked the car and stood by it for a few minutes, expecting Mini. I pretended to search in my bag and tie my gym shoes. Why did I put gym shoes on instead of high heels? Did I think I’d have to run?

  Pursuer hadn’t reappeared, but Ray came out of the building and dashed toward me. Jeans, a white linen shirt, untucked. I froze looking at him. I forgot about the chase, the phone, and my gym shoes. I just wanted him to hug me.

  He did just that, turning me into a rag doll; then he seized my shoulders and looked into my eyes.

  “I saw you were alone and ran to meet you. Did somebody follow you? Why didn’t you call?”

  “A black Mini Cooper was after me, but they fell behind somewhere.”

  “Mini Cooper?” he asked, as if he had heard the name for the first time. “Mini Cooper.”

  “They had tinted windows, I couldn’t see anything inside.”

  Ray looked around.

  “Let’s go.”

  He pulled me after him and I dragged myself along, like a sheep. I was always like this, two polarities with no in between. Either I didn’t let someone get close to me or it was take me I’m yours forever. Was it the same with Jason? No, Jason was a different story.

  The apartment was on the seventeenth floor, unlike mine, on the second, and opened to a great panoramic view of the city. I stopped by the window, sipping the offered Martini and watching the landscape of stone and concrete. Ray walked behind me; put his arms around my waist, and his chin on my shoulder. I could stay like this my whole life. Well, maybe a few hours. His scent, his warmth, his breath. It was crazy; no one should love like this. I told myself that and so did my friend Leslie. You can’t love with all your might, you can’t give yourself away completely, and you can’t show a man that you’re ready to do everything for him. No, no, no.

  I put the half-empty glass on the windowsill and turned to Ray. We looked at each other for some time then he kissed me. So many years, just dreaming about these lips touching mine, and finally feeling them. He picked me up and carried me to the bedroom. We knocked down a vase from the coffee table and it made us laugh, taking away the tension.

  We sat in the living room later. I put on his shirt, which fell to my knees and the sleeves covered my hands. I was not a midget, more of medium height, but Ray was taller by a head. He was dressed in the same jeans and T-shirt. We drank wine, ate crackers with cheese, and inspected the phone. Thin and blue. Ray checked all the messages, then threw the phone on the couch, and picked up his glass.

  “A week of messages, but who knows how long it went on before that? Maybe they’ve deleted most of them.”

  “Do you have any ideas? What ideas though? You don’t know anything about my life through these years.”

  Ray took my hand, brought it to his lips.

  “I hope to make up for that.”

  I moved closer to him; put my head on his shoulder.

  “I don’t want to talk or think about it,” I said, closing my eyes.

  “Neither do I. Unfortunately, our meeting and this strange event have coincided. Maybe they should have.”

  “What do you think I should do then?”

  “First of all, move away from me. I can’t think about anything when you’re so close.”

  I smiled and moved away.

  “Better?”

  “Not much.”

  “I don’t mind.”

  “Me neither, but we won’t get anywhere.”

  I took my glass. The wine had become warm, but I still drank it. I felt strange. I was shaking from fear when I was driving here, but now I didn’t care. Like nothing had really happened, and if something was going on without my knowing about it, it didn’t threaten me with serious trouble. I couldn’t get into trouble when Ray was beside me. I didn’t want to know anything; I wanted to forget. I wanted to stay in his embrace and do nothing. I hadn’t called my job and it seemed that I’d missed an incoming call. Let it be. I didn’t care.

  “I want to dial one of these numbers,” Ray said, putting the empty glass on a side table.

  “They will know for sure I’ve found the phone if you do.”

  “Not necessarily. We can figure out something. Then we’ll go to the police.”

  “Police? You think I should?”

  “Of course. I don’t think it’s a joke; too much work has been done for that. It may be something really serious. Just imagine what luck it is that you picked up this phone instead of someone else.”

  “If I hadn’t seen you, I wouldn’t have stopped and none of this would have happened. I would have stayed unaware.”

  “So, you’re glad you found me?” Ray narrowed his eyes.

  “No! I still regret that. I regretted it yesterday, I regret it today and I can regret it even more now.”

  He chuckled, leaned toward me, and kissed me quickly on the lips.

  “You’re adorable. These scamcases …scumbags, won’t stop what they’ve started. How could I have lived without you all these years? My wife looked like you, but she wasn’t you. I came to my senses in time and didn’t destroy my life or hers.”

  He was looking at me, and warmth from the wine or desire slowly spread over my body. All three years we had worked together, I felt it every time he approached at a dangerous distance. I was such an idiot. Or maybe it was the way this was supposed to go. Maybe all of this really wasn’t a coincidence.

  “We need to figure it out.” His voice became hoarse and he cleared his throat before picking up the phone.

  “I’ll refresh the drinks.” I picked up the glasses and went to the kitchen to fill them up. I took the bottle of wine out of the fridge and put it to my burning cheek. Maybe my friend was right. You can’t love a man like this. It was too far to fall if you got disappointed. But I was not going to be disappointed. Not in him. Not ever. No matter what. Even if he had used me, I would be fine with it. I had gotten what I wanted and I had no regrets.

  “Hello.” I heard, and my heart went cold. He was calling one of those people who had been following me. I peeked out of the kitchen and watched his beautiful face. It was changing expressions, his lips were moving.

  “I found this phone yesterday and just now thought about it … No, I don’t need a reward, I can just give it to you … I can do it …” He looked at me. I shrugged and nodded. “I think an hour and a half … Maybe some mall or something?”

  I returned to the kitchen and poured wine into the glasses. So, the person who answered the call didn’t know that I had his phone. That was good. At least, I thought it was good, but only time would tell. Ray, as it had always been during our time working together, took all the responsibility. I liked it. With Jason, I had to make all the decisions: from the restaurant to sex position. Sometimes he initiated things, but he did it apprehensively, as if he felt guilty about it. He wasn’t weak, no. Rather, a strong and confident man who would let a woman lead him, and arrange it as if he was happy with the situation and we did things equally. I would say he was happy. Only, in spite of my obstinacy and a desire to do everything myself, sometimes I wanted to just be a woman and shift the responsibili
ty onto a strong man’s shoulders. No, Jason couldn’t organize lurking or stalking.

  Ray entered the kitchen as I was about to come out.

  “Did you hear?”

  “We’re meeting in an hour and a half. Was it a man?”

  “Yes. I’d guess about thirty. That’s all I can tell about him. I want you to stay here while I’m meeting him.”

  I wanted someone to take care of me, to save me from problems, but I wanted to stay involved. Even when I rode in a car on the passenger seat, my foot kept pushing imaginary brakes when we approached a red light. I had to be in control of my care. Here, I couldn’t stay aloof. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. Want and can, two enemies. I couldn’t put Ray at risk while sitting home in comfort. No way.

  “No way,” I said.

  “That person who followed you could be here now and see you coming out.”

  “If he’s the one who lost the phone, he’s going to meet you. I can change my appearance and get a taxi. We can think of something.

  “Change your appearance. How are you going to change your appearance?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll think of something.”

  “Damn, you’re so beautiful.”

  I raised my eyebrows.

  Ray took the glasses from me, put them on the table, and pulled me to himself.

  “We have plenty of time,” he whispered, pressing his lips against mine. I had drunk only one glass of wine, but my legs became weak; so did my whole body.

  CHAPTER 7

  We found lots of women’s clothes in the closet. Even though Ray’s friend wasn’t married, he shared the apartment with somebody. The size was medium and mine was small, but I tied up a blue jacket with a belt and the bagginess did change my look. I found a blue, silk scarf and hid my hair under it, and my eyes under Ray’s sunglasses. He put a green baseball hat on and we went outside looking like two morons, but it would help us get a taxi and drive to a meeting place without being chased.

  We didn’t talk in the car, but held hands and constantly checked the back window, fearing we might miss a “spy”. This time, no one followed us relentlessly. I remembered about my boss, or actually, she remembered about me, and I told her I was going to miss a day. A day. That was how long I thought it was going to be. I said I had stomach problems and my head editor, Eleanor, always loud when expressing her emotions, told me how sorry she was and offered to come and bring some medication. I felt a little guilty, as often happened in situations like this, but only a little. My guilt was gone by the time we reached the meeting place.

  At home, we agreed that I would stay on the same plaza, but in a coffee shop across from the meeting spot. From there, I could see the store in which Ray was going to wait for the stranger who wanted to get his phone back. I promised to stay put, without removing my glasses or the scarf, waiting for Ray to come and get me or give me a sign to join him. We entered the coffee shop together and then Ray went to the store on the opposite side of the strip. But first he kissed me and then lifted my glasses, looked into my eyes, and said that everything was going to be just fine. Also, he apologized.

  “Why?” I asked.

  “I don’t want to destroy your life.”

  “Why do you think that’s going to happen?”

  He hugged me, pressed me to his chest. I noticed an older couple. The woman smiled, looking at us.

  “I don’t know. I just thought that you lived your quiet life, planned your future, and here … me.”

  “And here, you.” I put my head on his chest. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

  He kissed my head.

  “Everything will be fine,” he whispered, and let me go. I didn’t want him to leave. Even here in the shop, with a bunch of strangers staring at us, I didn’t care. I wanted to chain him to myself, so he wouldn’t get lost.

  I watched his receding, wide back, his slightly waddled walk, and prayed for him to return quickly. At that moment, I wasn’t interested in a person who followed me or in the phone with messages about me. I prayed for Ray to come back, that was all.

  When he stopped by the door of the inside farmer’s market, I leaned on the table.

  “You’re such a beautiful couple,” the older woman said.

  “Thank you.” I looked out the window. Ray checked his watch, glanced in my direction, and turned away.

  “Would you like something?”

  “Sure.” I turned to the guy behind the coffee bar, who eagerly looked at me. “Cappuccino, please. Tall.”

  “Sure. Your name?”

  “Monica.”

  “Okay, Monica.”

  I always used Monica in coffee shops, for no particular reason. It was my mom’s name. Now I said the name automatically. I took off the sunglasses. What if I were to miss something from behind their darkness?

  Ray walked back and forth by the market. People entered and exited, but I didn’t see anyone familiar. The sense of control of the situation and calmness that I’d gained in Ray’s apartment started to fade. I became nervous. Who was that person? What if Ray was in danger? I wouldn’t forgive myself. They could be dangerous; they could. Why not? How could I let him go to this meeting; and alone?

  The phone rang and I pulled it from my bag, almost dumping the contents on the floor.

  “Ray?”

  “Who’s Ray?”

  Leslie. I didn’t check the caller ID. No way was I going to talk to her about her boss, whom I’d had sex with just an hour ago, and who now was trying to identify my persecutor.

  “Les, I can’t talk right now.” I looked out the window. Ray strolled by the store.

  “Who’s Ray? I thought your guy’s name was Jason.”

  “He is Jason. He’s my guy.”

  “You weren’t talking about Bancroft, were you? Do you talk to him? You guys had a weird relationship.” I heard too much excitement in my friend’s voice. She was the one telling me that my boss had an eye for me.

  Why is she talking about him now?

  “Of course not,” I lied honestly.

  “I just left his office. He’s out of it today. Needs to chill.”

  “Who?”

  “Bancroft, of course. I …”

  “You mean you saw Ray?”

  “That’s what I’m talking about. He …”

  “Les, you couldn’t see him, because …”

  “Monica! Cappuccino! Enjoy!”

  A paper cup landed on the counter.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  “What for?”

  “It’s for coffee I just got.”

  “What do you mean I couldn’t see Bancroft? I just came out of his office. He’s steaming!”

  I noticed my hands shaking. I felt panic approaching. It came from nowhere, without an invitation, and enveloped my mind.

  “You couldn’t be in his office with him,” I said angrily, turning to the window.

  Ray was gone.

  I almost dropped my cup.

  Leslie kept protesting, but I didn’t hear her words. Phrases hit against my brain like tennis balls. I disconnected the phone and squeezed it in my hand. Ray wasn’t by the farmer’s market across the plaza. He was gone.

  Did I imagine the last events? Am I crazy? I wanted him so badly and finally I lost it. What was I seeing? Oh, God, am I schizophrenic? What about the followers? Did I make that up too? Did I?

  The phone in my hand came to life and I threw it on the table, scared. Then I put the cup down and grabbed the phone, looked at the lighted screen. It might be Leslie again. Les was going to confirm my diagnosis and suggest seeking help.

  A little letter on the top of the screen telling me that somebody had left a message. Did I really see it?

  My hand shook when I opened the message.

  Ray’s number.

  Waiting for you behind the building.

  He was not imaginary and I wasn’t crazy. Leslie was.

  I rushed to the exit, trying to calm the panic that was making my legs weak. I almost knoc
ked down a woman who was entering. She was dressed in a pink, ruffled dress and looked like an angel, but cursed me like a truck driver. I could hear her screaming at me until I skirted the corner.

  There were trash cans behind the building. A red cat slept on top of one of them. No sign of Ray. Before I could turn around, a cold palm covered my mouth; a strong arm spanned my waist. At the same time, a black car with tinted windows dashed out from around the corner, tires squealed. It wasn’t the Mini that had been following me, it was a big SUV. The door of the car flew open and a strange, young man jumped out. He helped the person holding me to push me onto the backseat. The door slammed closed and the car took off.

  “Who are you? What do you want from me? What do you want? Was it you who were watching me?”

  I found myself between two men. I turned my head from one to the other, but they didn’t look at me and it seemed as if they didn’t hear me, either. They were both about thirty, both dressed in blue parkas. One had a big nose and thin lips, but I couldn’t see the face of the other. He bent to his knees and rustled something on the floorboard.

  “Hello! Do you hear me? What’s going on? Who are you? Where’s Ray?”

  The man on the left straightened up and turned to me. I shivered when I looked into his empty, brown eyes. Then I noticed a syringe.

  “No! Let me go!”

  The man on the right twisted my arms behind my back and the man on the left pulled up my jacket sleeve and then the sleeve on my shirt.

  “What are you doing? Why? Stop it!”

  The last thing I felt was a needle, penetrating my skin. I screamed, moved, but it didn’t last long. Almost immediately my body felt as if it were going under warm water, becoming weightless. My head became heavy and my neck refused to hold it steady. I sank into a fog.

  CHAPTER 8

  Before I opened my eyes I smelled a strange scent and tried to identify what it was. Something light as a breeze, fresh as rain, and sweet as fresh cut grass.

  Where am I?

  My head was aching; my body seemed limp and soft like modeling clay. I lifted my arm and dropped it down right away, it was so weak. Then I opened my eyes, even though it was difficult, and my lids felt as heavy as if they were pressed with stones. My mouth was as dry as if I hadn’t drunk for a week. What had happened to me?