All About Hope

by Ashley Erin

  He pauses, watching as I process what he’s saying. “Obviously, I’m missing something. I don’t remember anything happening that year.”

  “I guess it wouldn’t stand out as an event that would impact your mother and me, but that was the year the Hayles moved next door.”

  Frowning, I wait as the server drops our food and drinks off. “I don’t see why that would change anything.”

  “I don’t know if you’re aware, but Ben and your mother knew each other in college.” He takes a hefty drink of his beer, expecting me to have a reaction.

  “Actually, I did know. Emma found a photo of them. It was dated a few months before he met her mom.” I bite into my burger, watching my father. “I don’t see why that matters.”

  “I remember that photo, I was supposed to be there that night, but we had gotten into a fight.” He doesn’t touch his food, and mine is settling into my gut like a paperweight. “Your mom had a one-night stand that night. She was angry with me, had a little too much to drink and went home . . . with Ben. Things changed that night for us in every way. I loved your mom, but I couldn’t forgive her for doing that.”

  “Rich, considering you met your new wife while still married.”

  “I’m not proud of that. There is more. A month later she found out she was pregnant. At first she’d hoped I wouldn’t figure it out, but I’m good at math and I knew there was a good chance you were conceived that night.

  “Alex, when the Hayles moved in next door, I couldn’t handle it because it was a constant reminder of that night. When I saw him, and then looked at you, I knew I was right.” He spreads his hands out in front of him, stumbling over his words, but I know what he’s implying.

  “Are you telling me Ben Hayle was my father? The man who stepped in to raise me when I was fourteen, was actually my birth father.” The words are choked out, and I’m in complete disbelief.

  “I had a paternity test done that year, before I left. It was negative, and your mother had only been with the two of us. Before I left, I told your mother to tell you and to tell Ben. I knew it was essentially hopeless, but I had to try. I think you deserve to know where you come from, and I want to apologize for not telling you. Or for being the father you believed I was. I never should have left you with your mother, I knew she was fragile, I just never expected . . .”

  I slide out of the booth, cutting him off. “Enough. I need to go.”

  He calls after me, but I ignore him as I race out of the pub and hail a cab. Before I even know what’s happening, I rattle off an address.

  Ben Hayle is my dad. Emma is my half-sister.

  Pulling out the photo I have of the four of us, I look between us. Same height. Same build. Same eyes. Same brown shade of hair. Holy fuck. I wasn’t imagining it.

  The cab arrives and I toss him some cash before I’m out the door, winding my way through the plots until I reach the one I’m looking for.

  Ben Hayle.

  Loving husband, devoted father.

  May 3, 1969—August 20, 2014

  I don’t say anything, I just sit on the ground and stare.

  I have to tell Emma. How is she going to react to this?

  Dropping my head into my hands, I breathe in a shaky breath. My lungs struggle, my heart pounding, and the base of my neck drips with sweat. My world is imploding, everything I thought about my life takes on new meaning.

  What does this really change though? Emma and I already look at each other like siblings. Ben treated me like a son, without even knowing it was true.

  Lia’s words echo in my head. Sometimes family is the people you choose yourself.

  I sit in the graveyard, dazed. Emotions flood my system at a rate that makes it hard to process it all.

  How could she not tell me?

  This changes everything. It seems odd that one piece of information could change my world, but it does. It doesn’t begin to make sense, but something settles inside of me that always felt out of sync.

  Dad: Your mom is awake.

  Standing, I run my hand over the two headstones, side by side. I always considered them my parents in every sense of the word except biological. They were there for everything, my mom never even tried to fight them in order to get me back, I think she knew it was hopeless.

  The cabbie is still in the parking lot, smoking a cigarette as he leans against the car. When he’s done, I ask him to take me back to the hospital.

  The short ride back is numb. I’m in shock, and everything I’ve been avoiding my entire life has been let loose. Every excuse I’ve ever made for keeping people at arm’s length, every reason for believing I had everything I need, all mock me.

  My mind mocks me. My heart mocks me. More than half of my life has been made up of excuses. Excuses not to let anyone in. Excuses not to trust myself not to make the same mistakes my parents did.

  Excuses, excuses, excuses.

  Closing my eyes once I’m outside my mom’s hospital room, I breathe in and try to settle myself before I go in there. The anger I’ve always felt towards them is miraculously gone, in its place is a sense of resignation.

  Two sets of eyes look at me when I let myself into Mom’s room. I can see tear tracks on Mom’s cheeks, and instinctually know she knows I know.

  “Alex, I’m sorry.” Her voice is hoarse, but I shake off her apology.

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” Sitting in the chair opposite Dad, I look at her with less compassion than I probably should, considering what she’s gone through. “Listen, I’m glad you’re okay. And I hope this serves as the wake-up call you need. Maybe I should wait until you’re a little better, but I want to go home, so here it is.

  “Don’t contact me again, unless you’ve gone through at least six months of rehab, and six months of addiction counselling. That means, in one year, if you’ve figured out how to be a functioning person without the use of substances, you can then pick up the phone and call me. If you cannot accomplish this, I don’t want to hear from you.”

  She starts to cry softly, but I’ve finally had enough of the lies and the manipulation. I want to go back to a life I’ve created for myself that’s damn good. A life I built without them, hell, in spite of them.

  I don’t want to address him, but I do. He didn’t handle things the way he should have when I was a child, he knows it. I can see the regret in his eyes as I stare straight into them. It’s too late. Maybe I’m unreasonable, but I cannot forgive him for walking out of my life for something I had no hand in.

  “I don’t want to hear from you again.”

  Standing, I turn away from them and walk out the door without looking back.

  A knock on my bedroom door rouses me from a deep sleep. For the first night in a while it was dreamless. I’ve been so tired lately, it’s no wonder I crashed.

  “Lia? Are you all right?” Ryan pokes him head in, concern lining his face.

  “Fine. Why?” Sitting up, I rub my eyes to clear the blurriness.

  “Well, it’s eight in the morning, breakfast time, and you’re still asleep. You’ve been up and working at six every morning since you were nine.” He leans against the doorway, watching my brain catch up to what he’s saying.

  “It’s eight?” Grabbing my phone off the nightstand, I gape when I see he’s not teasing me. “Holy shit. I can’t believe I slept so long. I was exhausted last night so I went to bed at eight. I just slept for twelve hours!” Leaping out of bed, Ryan turns away as I scramble to change into clean clothes.

  “Hence the worry. Emma made breakfast, we’re waiting for you.” He reaches behind him, shutting the door so I can finish getting ready for the day in peace.

  My stomach grumbles as I sit at the kitchen table. “Sorry, I must be fighting a cold or something.”

  Emma hands me a plate loaded with fruit, scrambled eggs, turkey bacon, and hash browns. “Are you feeling okay now?”

  Nodding, I cover a yawn. “Yeah, I feel fine. Still a little tired which makes no sense, but othe
r than that nothing out of the ordinary.”

  As I eat, I find my energy and I race out from breakfast to fit a ride with Ollie in before I head to the clinic and deal with the mound of paperwork. The day passes in a blur, until I finally finish the last of my work.

  Despite sleeping in, I yawn. Sitting in the office for most of the day was exhausting. It’s something I avoid, which is why it took me the majority of the day.

  Glancing at my phone to check the time, I am shocked to see I have a text from Dom.

  Dominic: Hey . . . Could use a friend, can we meet at Linger tonight?

  Mentally calculating how much time I need to get ready, I type a quick response.

  Me: See you at 7. Let’s eat while we’re there, I’m starving.

  Dominic: Thanks, Lia.

  Racing home, I shower and change into jean shorts and a flowy tank top. It’s as dressy as I will get aside from the occasional dress.

  “Where are you going in such a hurry?” Emma peeks her head out of the kitchen. Walking in, I notice Dane and Ryan are cooking.

  “I’m meeting Dominic for dinner. I have to be at Linger in twenty, I will text you later.”

  Taking a huge bite of the burger set before me, my eyes cross at the burst of flavors. “This is my favorite burger.”

  Dom watches me in amusement, before cutting into his steak.

  “So, what’s going on? I don’t think you’ve ever texted me to meet up once in the six years I’ve known you.” Sipping my water, I dip a sweet potato fry in Linger’s amazing dill dip.

  He chuckles, shaking his head as he watches me devour another bite of burger. “Somehow, I always forget how direct you can be.” Pausing as I moan and take another big bite. “Do you want me to leave you alone with that burger?”

  “Dude, it has an onion ring on it. And Monterey Jack cheese. My mouth has never been as happy as it is when it’s eating this.” He smirks as I talk with my mouth full, shaking his head as he sets his fork and knife down.

  “I had to put Wexle down today.” Pain flashes across his face, and I finally understand why he needed me.

  “Shit. I’m so sorry.” Reaching across the table, I take his hand in mine. “What happened?”

  “Colic. We didn’t catch it in time. That horse was my world. He was the only consistency in my life, and now I don’t have him anymore.” He draws his hand away from mine, taking a deep drink of his water. We both decided to skip consuming any liquor tonight.

  “Dom, you know you’re never alone. I’m glad you reached out to me.” My heart aches for him. Wexle was Dom’s Ollie, and I can’t imagine not having my boy.

  “I needed to get out of the house.” He laughs ruefully. “I’ve never really wanted to have any connections before, but today it dawned on me how truly isolated I am. Aside from work contacts, you are the only person I have in there. Pretty pathetic, huh?”

  “You’re busy.”

  “Being busy is an excuse people make for things or people they don’t want to find time for. You run a successful business, work Ollie every day, have a close family, and maintain meaningful friendships. I go to work, I ride, and I go home.” He leans back in the booth.

  “Then change something.” I say it like it’s simple, but I know how difficult it is to change our routines.

  Dom insists on paying for dinner before walking me to my car and giving me a hug. “Thanks for being here for me.”

  “Anytime. Hey, come by my clinic on Wednesday. We will have lunch.” He opens my door, agreeing.

  The entire drive home I cry to myself. Grieving for a horse I didn’t even know that well. When I get home, I go straight to the barn and hug Ollie, crying into his neck. He breathes out a heavy sigh, nuzzling my hip.

  “Lia? What’s wrong?” Dane rushes into Ollie’s stall, confused when he sees nothing wrong with my horse. “What did Dom do to you?”

  Turning away from Ollie, I lean on his flank and stare at Dane in exasperation, tears still running down my face. “Seriously? He didn’t do anything. He had to put his horse, Wexle, down today and needed a friend. I know you’ve seen him flirt shamelessly, but you don’t know the first thing about that guy. And I’m crying because I’m an emotional woman who is grieving for a friend, because I can’t honestly understand what it feels like to be in his shoes.”

  Dane reaches out, taking my hand and pulling me in for a hug. “I’m sorry. You’re right. What can I do?”

  “I have a horse that was surrendered to me in lieu of paying the bill. She has some basic reining training, but you can help Dom. I’m giving her to him.” Dane walks me out of the barn and to the house. Stopping inside the door, he smiles at me and pinches my chin.

  “You’re a pain in the ass sometimes, but I’m damn proud to have you for my sister.”

  Bolting out of bed, I race to the bathroom and lose the entire contents of my dinner. Fucking great, now I have the god damn flu. Perspiration beads on my forehead as I heave until there is nothing left. Sinking to the ground, I curl up on the bathmat too tired to go back to bed.

  “Where is Lia?” Hugging Emma back, I load my suitcase into the back of her truck.

  “I’m happy to see you too, jackass.” She grins at me as she hops into the driver’s seat. “She has the flu and has been forbidden from leaving her bed for the rest of the day. Poor girl has nothing left in her system.”

  I feel guilty that the first emotion I feel is relief that she’s not avoiding me, before I’m filled with concern. “I’ve known that woman for a year, and she hasn’t gotten sick once.”

  “I know. Trust me though, she wanted to be here.” She turns onto the highway, setting the cruise control on the truck as we settle in for a long drive. “How’s your mom?”

  “She’s expected to make a full recovery. I told her not to contact me unless she’s been sober for one year.” Adjusting the temperature, I turn the vent toward me. Part of me is glad Emma picked me up, I can’t keep in what I found out. I just hope she takes it okay.

  “Wow. I think that’s a reasonable expectation. And what about your dad?” She glances at me before focusing back on the road.

  Nodding, I tap my finger on my knee. I practiced this big speech on the plane, going over and over the words in my head, but now that I’m sitting with her none of it fits.

  “Umm yeah.” My finger moves faster until Emma reaches over stopping it. My chest feels tight. This is going to change her entire world and the way she views her dad. “He told me he’s not my father. My mom had a one-night stand and got pregnant.”

  “Wow. Okay. I can’t imagine that was easy to hear. Did they tell you who your dad is? Do you think he will want to meet you?” Emma squeezes my hand before letting go. She’s the most supportive person I know.

  “Yeah, I know who he is.” Angling my body towards her, I blurt it out. “It’s your dad.”

  Emma whips her head towards me, swerving slightly on the road before returning her focus. A frown creases between her brows as she opens her mouth to speak before closing it without saying a word. Her face has paled as her brain catches up to what I’m saying.

  Rushing on, I continue, “Apparently that photo you found, well, that night my dad was supposed to be there but they got in a fight. It was before your dad met your mom, he and my mom had a one-night stand. Then nine months later there I was. Dad even had a paternity test done because the dates didn’t really add up in his head.”

  I stop talking, smoothing my hands over my jeans as I let her think. The seconds turn into minutes, and I’m preparing myself for a freak out.

  “Well, I always did think you two had an uncanny resemblance.” I jump when she finally speaks, gaping at her when the words sink in. “What? Did you expect me to be mad? The only thing I’m pissed about is that no one bothered to tell my father. He always thought of you as a son. Big brother.”

  She reaches over again, taking my hand in hers and holding on.

  Relief surges through me. Emma is the only person in this wo
rld that I’ve never doubted letting in. She’s been there for me through every major event in my life, unwavering in providing the friend I needed at the time. It was her suggestion that I move in with them, talking to her parents for me without betraying my trust. She saved me.

  “Wow. That was easy.” She laughs at the relief in my voice, shaking her head.

  “You make things more complicated than you need to. Remember, the excuse of your parents only goes so far. You’ve now spent more than half of your life in part of a healthy family. You’re a grown ass man, who has handled adversity better than the example set for him.”

  She’s right. She usually is. “I know. It’s just easier to keep people out.”

  “Life is pretty boring if we always choose the easy path. It gets pretty lonely too, when we don’t let people in.” Emma glances at me. I don’t need her to say the name, we both know she is discussing Lia and the end of our relationship, for lack of a better word.

  Clearing my throat, I take the bait. “I didn’t hear from Lia yesterday, was she sick too?”

  “No, she slept in and then had a ton of paperwork to do at the clinic. Then she met Dom for dinner.” Emma takes her hand back to take our exit.

  Fisting my hands, I swallow the bile that rises in my throat. She had dinner with Dom last night? I hate that guy. I know I’m not mistaken by what I saw when she looked at me, so how could she possibly be moving on so quickly?

  “Yeah, his horse had to be put down. I talked with Lia a little in between the vomiting. I guess his parents abandoned him in the hospital when he was a newborn. They didn’t have any information on family, so he went straight into the system. He was finally adopted by an older couple when he was like eight. That’s where he got his passion for horses, but they have both passed away from cancer.” She shrugs. “Lia is really the only person who checks in on him throughout the year. He works his ass off, but his job requires him to be out of town a lot so he’s pretty much alone all the time.”

  Okay, hating him a little less now. “Wow. It puts things in perspective, doesn’t it?”