Down 'N' Derby

by Lila Felix

“So tomorrow, do you need any inspiration?”

  “It’s another early one. But yeah, I might feign trouble with my shoe again. Might get some more leg action.”

  “Don’t make fun. That was my moment of enlightenment. That’s when I first knew that I…”

  “That you what?” She asked and practically climbed over the console. But I didn’t have the guts to say what I wanted to say.

  “I first knew that you were my miracle. It was like your skin was made just for me.”

  “Tell me why you can’t touch anyone without the prickles or whatever.”

  I pulled up at her apartment and cut the engine.

  “Let’s go upstairs. I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

  We dragged upstairs. She kicked off her shoes and put on those wretched fuzzy slippers. She sat down on the couch and patted the seat next to her. I sat on the edge and began to tell her. I told her about Sela and Sylvia, my two mothers, and their pact. I told her how my mother was already very seriously diabetic and shouldn’t have gotten pregnant at all. But apparently one night with Einer had changed all that. She barely made it through the pregnancy and when I was three months old she was hospitalized but checked herself out, against doctors’ orders and went home to take care of me—spend as much time as she could with me. Two months later she died. I told her the truth. I’d pretty much killed my own mother. Even when Sylvia took me in, after I was old enough, she had to go back to work because they now had three male mouths to feed instead of two. And their three bedroom house became too small and we had to move into a bigger house—all because of me. The tingly feeling started the day I found out I was adopted. That my mother died because of me. I killed her. It made me set myself apart—for them and for me. That way I couldn’t hurt them and in turn they couldn’t hurt me.

  “You can’t believe that Maddox,” I heard her say the words but my head was buried in my hands and at this point no one could reach me—or so I thought.

  She got on her knees in front of me and put her hands on top of mine. She didn’t pull them or try to make me move. She just let me be. After a few minutes I pulled myself out of that pity place only because of her. I couldn’t stand her on the floor.

  “Get up,” I gently demanded.

  She got up and sat away from me. Either the weight of who I was had finally hit her—or she’d decided I just wasn’t worth it.

  Chapter 31

  Storey

  Words hurt feelings, but distance hurts the heart and the soul.

  I got up and sat on the chair on the other side of the room. He’d practically barked an order at me. I cowered and almost instantly realized that’s not what I needed to do but more than that; it wasn’t what he needed from me. So I got right back up and sat as close to him as possible without being in his lap. I could see the wheels of self-depreciation churning him into the ground.

  “I won’t let you push me away. You didn’t kill your mother. She had a disease. She chose to spend her last months with you instead of chained down to a hospital bed. She didn’t do that so you would live your life in fear of getting close to someone.”

  “It’s not my choice Storey. It just happens.” He was barely whispering now. The toll of his life had weakened even his voice.

  “But it is your choice. I don’t think you’re able to touch me because of fate or something magical. I think it’s because you trust me and you trust yourself with me. You trust yourself to take care of me. This isn’t about anything other than letting go of the past and trusting yourself—period.”

  He finally looked at me and second by second I could see the clarity develop in his eyes, the green one grew clearer and the brown one swirled to a richer hue.

  “I would never do anything to hurt you—ever in my life.” He spoke the truth. Even someone who didn’t know him would be able to see the honesty in his face.

  “And I know that. But you wouldn’t hurt your family either, would you?” He looked at me like I’d lost my marbles.

  “Of course not. How could you say that?”

  “You did. You said you killed your mother. That’s just a childhood fear talking. Somehow nine year old Maddox convinced himself that he was responsible for his mother’s death. But you’re not an adolescent with adolescent fears anymore. The man I love would never hurt me or his family. You’ve got to let go of the fearful boy. You’re not him. That’s not who your mother would have you be.”

  Tears formed in his eyes. And then he collapsed against me, grabbing at my shirt, my waist, anything to get me closer to him. His head rested against my chest. I held onto him as tight as I could. There were no sobbing noises, no gasps for air, no sniffling or hiccups. The only indication I had of his weeping was the shudder of his shoulders and the wetness on my shirt. He got up swiftly and changed our roles so that he leaned back against the couch and pulled me sitting sideways across his legs. It was at that moment that he began his quest—a journey to touch every part of me that he could—simply because he could.

  Goosebumps arose randomly following the path his fingers made. He traced the contours of my legs, the crook of my arm, the crevice of my neck. I turned to face him as I thought it was finally the right time. He would kiss me and seal the silent covenant we’d made tonight. He placed his hands on either side of my face but his eyes, those two toned windows were trained not on my face but on my own lips and I licked them in anticipation. I felt his breath on my face. The rise and fall of his chest gave me a rhythm to breathe to. We closed the distance between us together, at the same speed.

  The door was flung open loudly banging on the wall behind it. And without regard or care for the revelation happening on the living room couch she blurted out, “Storey, I swear, the parking at this place gets worse and worse every time I come home.”

  I looked at Maddox while I spoke to her, unwilling to give up the moment completely.

  “What are you doing here Liza,” I questioned her.

  “I live here. Well, that’s actually why I’m here. I’m coming to get the few things that I keep here ‘cause I’m moving out. I paid the rent through August first so you don’t have to worry about it.”

  “Okay, thanks,” I responded. She never was my friend, she was just someone who paid half the rent and passed through once in a while. I wouldn’t miss her. She looked like she would take a while to pack up by all the boxes she brought in, so I detangled myself from Maddox and sat next to him. He cleared his throat and put his arm around my shoulder. I was thoroughly pissed and completely frustrated.

  “We’ve got time.” He whispered to me. And he was right; we had all the time in the world.

  I leaned back on the couch to get a better view of Liza’s room and the floor was now covered with clothes and bags she’d thrown out and was now taking her sweet time going through.

  “I guess I should drive you back to the motel,” I said.

  “Ok, let’s go.” I wished we’d had time to decompress from what we’d just gone through but I had to have a roommate.

  We drove back to the motel in silence. He touched my cheek before getting out and reminded me to call him when I got home. I called as soon as I walked in the door and went straight for the bathtub. There were some things in life that couldn’t be cured, but a bath sometimes took the sting away. I ran the water as hot as it would go and poured in vanilla bubble bath. I stripped down and put my phone next to me on a towel and slunk down into the hot heaven. I lay there for a while, long enough for the bath to go cold. But I wasn’t ready to get out, so I drained half of the water and refilled it with scalding water. I went through the bath routine, making sure to shave since I had a shoot the next morning. I realized I’d forgotten to seal my plans with Maddox, so I texted him.

  You still with me for tomorrow morning?

  He answered right away, Of course. What time?

  I’ll be there at six. We’re going to Big Bear.

  He took a minute to reply. Big Bear? I’ll be ready.

&nb
sp; I thought about it and texted him one more thing.

  Bring a change of clothes, just in case.

  He didn’t answer but I was sure he got the message. I sat there until the water got cold again and even though I didn’t want to, I got out. Liza knocked on the door a little later and we said some shallow goodbyes and never to be realized ‘see you laters’. I packed up my things for the next day and an extra overnight bag in case we decided to stay or I needed to change.

  I laid in bed and replayed the night. I couldn’t believe he’d carried that burden for so long. It didn’t even make sense. But sometimes when you carry a theory that long, especially a negative one about yourself, it takes a miracle to let it go. And I was grateful I was his miracle.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~

  As we drove up to Big Bear, Maddox was like a new person. He was funny and sarcastic. He told me story after story about his family. He told one story about his Dad, Chase, and some parrot named Paco. He said the whole family loved Paco but one day he flew into the ceiling fan. He said Owen threw such a fit that Chase actually tried to perform CPR on the bird, mouth to mouth and everything. He said he pumped the bird’s chest with two fingers and tried to resuscitate him. By the time he finished telling the story, I was laughing so hard I had to pull over on the side of the road. I never could compose myself enough to drive. Maddox had to drive the rest of the way.

  We got on set and Louise was there. She pretty much ignored me, which was fine. Maddox helped me bring my things into the dressing room and I hugged him before turning to get dressed. I heard him say, ‘let me know if you need some inspiration’ and then he slapped my behind. I turned around, absolutely shocked and completely inspired.

  “I think that was enough inspiration for the day Black.”

  “Just trying to help,” he shrugged. He left and I started the stage by stage routine of making myself pretty.

  I stepped out in a black halter dress, the middle was a corset with a leopard print. My peep toe stilettos were black with leopard print roses over the toes. The hairdresser had pinned my hair up in victory rolls and the rest of my hair was tied up in a black snood. I loved the outfit and intended to buy it from the costume designer if they let me. The cement outside the dressing room was filled with cracks and holes and I nearly killed myself halfway to my destination. Strong arms caught me before I my knees touched the ground.

  “This road is shot to Hell. Let me help you.” I thought he would let me hold his arm or his hand—I was wrong. He picked me up, honeymoon threshold style and carried me to the car. He looked down at my shoes, turning my feet this way and that.

  “Looks like you got the shoes right today, too bad.”

  “What has gotten into you,” I asked him my voice sounding like I learned how to whisper in a saw mill.

  “You.” He smirked and then took a spot behind everyone else, folded his arms and watched me. It was one of the longest shoots I’d ever been on. By the time I was finished I’d posed with seven cars and changed outfits over twenty times. I was completely exhausted. And Maddox had been there the whole time, carrying me back and forth from changing to the car and back again. He never complained or said anything except asking me if I was okay.

  There were some guys off to the side and I signed autographs after I was done. Without the fans, I wouldn’t ever have made a dime and I knew it. I looked over several times assuming I’d see jealousy or annoyance but there was none. I walked out of the shoot with all twenty outfits and tons and tons of shoes. He let me carry the bag of shoes, only because he carried everything else and he couldn’t manage one more bag.

  We both heaved out a breath of relief after getting everything in the car and were ready to leave.

  “Let’s stay here,” I said with only a shred of self-confidence. I didn’t want him to read anything into it. I just really didn’t feel like making the trip home.

  “That’s fine. You haven’t eaten all day and you got sunburned a little right here,” he touched the bridge of my nose and the apples of my cheeks. I didn’t even realize they had begun to burn.

  “Ok, let’s go find a hotel and order dinner in.” He nodded and I used the app on my phone to find a swanky hotel. I called and booked a room and within fifteen minutes we were checking in and dragging bags into the room. It was a spacious, beautiful suite with a living room, a huge King sized bed that could be seen from the living area and the view of the mountains was like nothing I’d ever seen. I perused the accommodations, room by room. Maddox handed me a couple of pain pills and a bottled water.

  “Take those before tomorrow so your sunburn doesn’t start hurting.” I complied and plopped down on the L-shaped suede couch. I thumped my shoes one by one onto the floor and threw my feet onto the couch beside me. Maddox sat at my feet and rubbed them one by one until I almost fell asleep. He covered me with a blanket he retrieved from the bedroom.

  “I’m not asleep. I’m starving.” I mumbled, so close to sleep it wasn’t funny.

  “Let me order some food. Just stay put.” He told me and damn him, I was too tired to argue. My phone rang while he was ordering food and I had to wrestle with the junk in my purse to get to it. I answered and it was Renee.

  “Hi Renee.” I sang to her.

  “What’s up girl? I haven’t heard from you in weeks. What gives?”

  “Um, I’ve been working and I’ve been seeing someone.” I could barely speak to her. Maddox had gotten off of the phone and was leaned back against the kitchen area counter grinning ear to ear at me.

  “What, is he hot? Tell me everything.” Renee obviously didn’t realize I was right here with him.

  I felt the blush start before I could even get a sentence begun. “Hell yeah he’s hot. And he’s also right in front of me. Can I call you later?”

  “Oh shit, yeah, call me later.”

  I pushed the red button to end the call and met his eyes again. He came to sit in front of me on the coffee table. I scrunched my eyes shut, embarrassed by my previous admittance.

  “So you think I’m hot?” Ugh, I knew he wouldn’t let it go.

  “Come on, you know you’re hot.”

  He chuckled, “Yeah, but it doesn’t count unless you think I’m hot.”

  I rolled my eyes at him. But I loved this new Maddox. He was liberated and happy. I thought about just biting the bullet and kissing him because I almost couldn’t think of anything else since last night. We sat there in a trance. I knew we were both thinking about the same thing. I could see the telltale look in his eyes. There was a knock on the door and he leaned forward as I bowed my head in aggravation and he kissed my head where my hair met my forehead. It wasn’t what I truly wanted but it would suffice for the time being.

  He brought in bags and bags of Chinese food. He’d remembered what I liked and ordered Bourbon chicken for himself. We sat at the table and ate without talking, both starving. I was dead on my feet and fantasized about a hot bath but just couldn’t bring myself to get up from the table. Maddox got up and picked up the Chinese cartons and got rid of the trash. And I just sat there, a lump of lazy.

  He went to the restroom and returned. I could smell the cinnamon from his toothpaste as he passed by me. He clapped his hands together and looked at me.

  “Ok, so you have two choices,” He smiled. “One, a hot bath with tons and tons of bubbles, so much that you will look like a bubble monster. And the second choice, movies in that big bed with me—Pick.”

  I squinted my eyes at him. Both were tempting at this point. “Both,” I answered.

  “Ha! That’s my girl. I’m going to turn on the hottest water Big Bear can give and then I’m coming after you.”

  I waited until he left the room before kicking my legs and doing a little silent dance at the phrase ‘my girl’. I couldn’t help it. He made me feel like I was in love for the first time. A shadow of regret overtook me as I heard the water turn on in the bathroom. I regretted Simon. I regretted those years I’d given to him. I regretted everything
I’d given to him. Maddox wasn’t the only one finding something for the first time. I had found my first love in him.

  I wandered into the bedroom and propped myself up against the door jamb. Maddox was bent over the tub testing the water temperature. One day when I met his mom and dad I would have to thank them for raising him to be this incredible man—and I had only known him a few weeks.

  He turned around and looked at me, almost smiling, his dimple in full force.

  “Why are you like this,” I asked him.

  “Like what?” He looked down at himself as if I spoke of how he dressed or how impossibly handsome he was.

  “You treat me like…I don’t know.” And I really didn’t know how to explain it.

  He walked over to me and moved a slip of my hair behind my shoulder and touched the skin that flowed from my neck to my shoulder. “I treat you like what? Just say it.”

  How could I say it? When I said the words to Simon it was robotic and cold and I never meant a single syllable. “You treat me like you love me.”

  He nodded and then moved towards the door. “Relax, take as long as you want. I’ll be out here waiting for you.”

  As he shut the door I retaliated, “That’s not the way to get me to take my time.” I heard him chuckle before the door clicked.

  The bathtub was a huge garden tub in the center of the room. I stripped down putting all of my clothes on the vanity. I took a look in the mirror and could see the outlines the sun had drawn on me. My cheeks were red on the apples and the bridge of my nose looked angry. I shrugged and got into the bathtub and if Maddox weren’t waiting for me on the other side of the door, I would’ve stayed there all night.

  Chapter 32

  Mad

  It was all I could do not to maul her so-called fans earlier. They looked at her like she was a lamb to the slaughter and they’d just sharpened their cleavers.

  I stood and stared out the window the whole time she was in the bath. I had to affix my attention on something other than the fact that she was completely naked and the only thing that separated us was a four inch thick door. Every time I heard the water splash I lost a little bit of sanity. I finally made myself go into the other room and sat on the couch. I found a movie on and it somewhat distracted me from the object of my desire.