Daunting Decisions

by Kip Nelson

  “I'm upset because this isn't right. We're being used as lackeys by that woman. I don't like having to prove myself.”

  “Did you never have a job interview?” Adam muttered. Diana glared at him.

  “This is dangerous and there's no need for us to be out here. The last thing we need to do is put ourselves in more danger,” she said. She kept a careful eye on Annabelle, since the little girl tended to skip ahead and get lost in her own world.

  “We're in danger all the time. This is just something we have to do to keep us safe. I know you're still pissed off that I didn't consult you about it, but I really thought I was making the right decision.”

  “It still doesn't feel right.”

  “What's there to feel? We're not bad people for doing this.”

  “We're not?”

  “No.”

  “Adam, we're literally going on a raid to the hospital to steal drugs.”

  Adam gulped. His heart wrestled with the same thing, but he didn't want to admit it to Diana. For some reason she really riled him, and they often ended up arguing when, really, they should have been friends. At least he wanted to be friends. Well, more than that, really, although the more he was getting to spend time with her the more his attraction to her was decreasing. She was one of the most beautiful woman he ever had seen, of that there was no doubt, but her sharp tongue diminished her overall attractiveness. Not that it really mattered, since she hadn't shown the slightest interest in Adam anyway, and as far as that went, nothing much had changed in the world. Women never really had shown an interest in Adam. He'd just never quite seemed to have that 'x factor’ that so many other men seemed to have. It was kind of amusing that even after the end of the world he still couldn't find a date.

  “Keep up, Peter!” he called out, for the older man was shuffling along behind.

  He felt bad for the old fellow and wished he didn't have to drag Peter out all the time. He wasn't the fittest person around, and there were times when he started wheezing. Adam worried there would be a time when they would be forced to run or fight, and Peter would be unable to fend for himself. He wasn't the fastest, and if push came to shove, Adam didn't know if he would be able to save Peter. So far, he had been able to look after the older man, but there was only so much he could do. It also filled him with a sense of foreboding as well. For in Peter, Adam saw his own future, if he even reached that age.

  Before the world had ended, Adam's future had been fixed. He hadn't planned to change anything in his life and only wanted to continue on the same trajectory. Now everything had changed, and any day could be his last. Peter nodded and quickened his pace to catch up with them. Annabelle heard Adam, and fell back to grab Peter's arm.

  “You can walk with me,” she said, and proceeded to explain to him how she was reading the map, showing him the various parts of the city they were passing.

  “And we're here at the moment and we need to get there,” she said. Peter looked on with interest.

  “Anyway,” Adam continued, walking in step with Diana, “we're not really stealing the drugs, we're just...relocating them.”

  “If that helps you sleep at night.”

  “I don't know why you're so up in arms about all this. It's not like we're really breaking laws anymore. They don't exist. We're not going to be thrown in jail for it.”

  “It just feels wrong to be breaking into a hospital.”

  “There are people in that camp who need these medicines. I hate it as much as you, but we live in a world where if you can take something you'd better, because it won't be around for long. It's better that some people get use out of all those tablets and things rather than them just sitting in a cupboard, never getting used.”

  “I get it. Really, I do, but it just feels like we're being used. I mean, if these are so important, why isn't she trusting her best people with it? Why is she putting her faith in us?”

  “Because she sees that we can be a valuable addition to the community. It's a little thing called trust, Diana. You give it and you receive it in return.”

  “Yeah, well, I'm still not convinced.”

  “What's the alternative? Do you really want to go back scrounging through the city, only having yourself to rely on? And what about Annabelle? Do you not think she deserves to grow up in a safe place?”

  “Now that's not fair,” Diana said, narrowing her eyes at him.

  “I'm just saying! Anyway, I'm tired of settling for being safe. This place has purpose, it has a plan, and I want to be a part of that. I've spent too much of my life watching other people live their lives. I know I'm going to regret it if I just shut myself away again. That's why I came back, because I want to be a part of something. I'm sorry if that goes against what you want. I honestly made that decision because I thought it was the right thing to do. Because this world has thrown us all together and we have to watch out for each other,” he said, getting more passionate as the words continued flowing from his mouth. Diana's eyes widened at his speech and a small smile played upon her lips.

  “I appreciate what you say, and I agree. It would be nice to be a part of something. Although I still don't like what's going on. There's something about that woman I don't like. You know Annabelle, she's a good judge of character, that's one of the reasons I let the two of you tag along with us in the first place, and she doesn't like Lisa. I'm just not convinced this is what we should be doing. Look at that list. Do you really think they need all of it?”

  Adam glanced down at the handwritten list of medicines and shrugged. “It's probably just a test, she wants to see how thorough we are. Maybe she has a certain level of expectation from us. Like maybe if we get three-quarters of what's on this list, then we'll be allowed to stay, sort of like a passing grade.”

  “Hmm, yes, well, I'm still going to keep my guard up.”

  “Do you ever let it down?”

  “Not recently.”

  Adam looked at Diana and pressed his lips together. She gave him a hard time, but there were moments when she said something that pointed to a hidden vulnerability. He still knew little about her past, for she was not forthcoming with him at the best of times. Yet it was clear she had been hardened by the world. In some ways it was sad she was so suspicious and couldn't recognize and enjoy a good thing when it came along. Lisa seemed fine to Adam. There were some people he didn't like in the camp, but he thought the majority were just ordinary people like him, and once he was in he could try making a few changes to get justice for Clark's murder.

  That terrible scene often was replayed in his mind, whether he liked it or not. Sometimes it was so intense he had to clamp his eyes shut and try forcing the memories away. That sickening crack of bone, the gurgle of blood as it seeped out of Clark’s torn flesh, and that hopeless look on his face as the life slipped from Clark’s eyes. Part of Adam wanted to hold onto that image for as long as possible so he never would forget what people were capable of, and so he never would lose that need for revenge. One day he would grab Lee and punish him for what he had done to Clark, and who knew how many others? It was up to Adam to make sure his friend was avenged, and there would be more words with Clark's wife as well.

  Of course, he didn't tell Diana about these reasons he wanted to stay. She wouldn't want a part of his quest, which was fair as it would place Annabelle in danger. But this wasn't something Adam was going to do as a group. He was going to do it by himself. There was a darkness that had entered his heart and every day it grew just a little bit more. He would see this task through to the end because there had to be some consequence for these people's actions. Murder could not go unpunished.

  “Is this like we're going shopping?” Annabelle piped up, skipping ahead to walk between Diana and Adam. She reached up with her free hand and clasped Diana's hand.

  “Kinda, but we're not going to pay for anything,” Adam replied.

  Annabelle's face bore a confused expression. Her tiny features were scrunched up as she tried making sense of what A
dam had said. “So, we're stealing?”

  Diana and Adam shared a look. “Not exactly. We're just borrowing it. You see, because the hospital isn't going to be used like it used to be, there are lots of things in there that are just left behind. And it's better that people get to use them rather than them just sitting there. So, we're going to take them back so people who need them can take the medicine and feel better.”

  Annabelle seemed satisfied with the explanation and soon turned to another topic. Adam smiled to hear her talk. It was nice to hear the sound of someone whose heart hadn't been crushed by the state of the world, but he also was filled with fear for Annabelle. He wondered about the state of the world in which she was going to grow up. It was all well and good for people like him and Diana. They could remember the old world and had a frame of reference for a blueprint for a new society. Yet this was the only thing Annabelle and kids of her age would remember. This was their world.

  Adam remembered a lot of people saying they did good deeds and contributed to the welfare of the planet because they wanted to leave it in good stead for future generations. On that count they all had failed. There were many reasons why Adam had never had children. The main one was he never had been with anyone long enough to properly consider the possibility, but he'd never quite been comfortable with bringing a new life into the world. There were so many problems with society, as he saw it, that he didn't think it was fair to thrust someone into the world.

  He often thought of life as a curse. It struck him as odd that with a society built on liberty and freedom of thought and action, the most fundamental act of everyone's life, being born, was done without anyone's consent. People were born and then told they had to make the most of it and, frankly, Adam hadn't wanted to inflict that on anyone else. That was even more true now, for he looked around at the state of Opal City and knew the rest of the world couldn't have been in any better shape. He looked at his companions and saw the scars they bore, even if they weren't visible. He thought about all the other people who had lost their lives because the world had fallen around them.

  What would things look like in fifty years? What kind of life would Annabelle have? Adam hoped she would be able to keep a hold of her optimistic spark and manage to keep the light inside her alive. His had died long ago, in a fugue of cynicism and despair, but things never had been as bad as they were now. In every shadow lurked danger, around every corner was another way to die, and any moment of sloppy concentration could bring about the end of a life. It was a world in which morality was frayed and the only purity came from people holding onto what conscience they had left.

  Adam didn't want to let his friends down, but every day he felt himself changing. He had faced the darkness on more than one occasion and he wondered how long it was going to be until it swallowed him up. He wasn't strong like the others, wasn't as pure of soul, and there would be a time when the only thing left of him was a tattered and broken soul. One day he would shuffle off to the world of the damned. The only thing left to be decided was the state of the world and how he would leave it for children like Annabelle. He gazed at her and only averted his eyes when she looked at him. She was too young to see the anguish in his eyes, had been through too much already to bear his sorrow as well. He would keep it to himself for now, would let the sadness and sorrow fester until it became unbearable.

  Chapter Twelve

  The journey to the hospital was a little longer than Adam had anticipated and there were times when the group had to rest their weary muscles. Adam was glad for these breaks. Even though he had been living in this world for months now he still wasn't in ideal physical condition. Diana, on the other hand, seemed to be at the peak of her powers and wasn't fatigued at all, but they all were glad for the rest. They found a building and made sure it was clear of danger before they went in and sat down in an abandoned apartment. Annabelle swung her leg on the chairs. Adam looked around at the place. Like so many other apartments and homes in the city it had been left empty as people had sought salvation elsewhere. Without electricity places like these were basically death traps. Although they offered shelter there was no running water and no food. Even though many people would have wanted to cling to their homes because of a fundamental need to feel safe, there was nothing left for them there. Adam strolled around and saw pictures of a family. He couldn't help but wonder if they still were out there.

  “I wonder how many people are actually still living out there,” he asked aloud. Diana walked over to him.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, there were so many people living in the city, and living in the world, really. I wonder how many of them are like us and have managed to find a way through it all? I wonder if there are more communities like Lisa's around the city?”

  “I'm sure there are. Humans naturally congregate around each other. It's a basic part of our makeup that we work together in groups and help each other out.”

  “I'm not sure about that given how the world turned out. It seemed like everyone only ever was out for themselves.”

  “I think that was a product of our society more than anything else. You see, it's quite fascinating, really, because we used to be hunter-gatherers and human tribes put co-operation before anything else, and shared practically everything.”

  Adam scoffed at this, so Diana continued. “No, it's true, really. I mean, think about it. Say that you and I were hunters and we go out one day and you get a lot of food, but I get nothing. We come back, and now you have two options. Either you can keep your food to yourself or you share it with me. If you keep it to yourself, you won't be able to eat all of it and it will spoil, and then if then go out hunting the next day and don't find anything, you'll go hungry. Whereas if you shared it with me, then the next time you don't find any food I'll be inclined to share my food with you. That's how we grew and learned to work together. It's only when we moved to an agricultural society that the acquisition of property and material wealth became the driving force.”

  “Really?” Adam said, becoming more and more interested as Diana continued speaking.

  “Oh yeah, and there are still some tribes out there today that live that way, which seems so weird to us, but it's what we came from. I think it's what we're going back to as well. There was a study, I can't remember the guy who did it, but he basically suggested there's only a certain number of people we actually can care about. I think it was something like 150. Once it gets beyond that certain number, you start breaking down into smaller groups, like families. So, with the city being as large as it is, I imagine people will find smaller groups to join. Maybe in time that will grow again as different groups encounter each other and join each other, or maybe we will live in more of a tribal society from now on. But I think now that we are desperate we do need to start sharing. Personally, I wanted that in the old world. I hated how there was enough food to feed the entire planet, but there still were so many people who went hungry. Anyway, I think it'll be interesting to see how society adapts to these changes and how we go back to what we were like before we became an agricultural society.”

  “But do you really think people will change that much? If what you say is true, and we've been conditioned by society, then how can we break free of that conditioning?”

  “Sometimes we don't have a choice. There's no way anyone who still is concerned with looking good or owning the most things is going to prosper in this type of world. If people are going to survive, then they're going to need to adapt. You know that better than most people. But it is interesting to look at the way we were. We often see the future as getting better and making progress, but it seems that this time we need to go back to go forward.”

  “Are you allowed to be this beautiful and this smart?” Adam said, and instantly regretted it. Diana rolled her eyes and exhaled deeply.

  “You know, just when I think we're actually having a real conversation, you go and say something like that and ruin it,” she said, and turned away from him.
/>
  Diana found Adam entirely frustrating. She went over to check on Annabelle, just to make sure the young girl was okay, and also to give herself some space from Adam. There were times when she could see a decent guy inside him, but then he went and said or did something that was just totally ridiculous. It made her regret ever agreeing to let him join her in the first place. She had some sympathy for him because of what he had gone through with his friend. It would have been horrible having to watch that, but he wasn't the only one to have suffered.

  Diana's mind turned back to her own life, and her own suffering. She had seen too much of it over the years and enough was enough. She looked down at Annabelle and saw much of her in the young girl. Diana wanted to believe there was a future for them all, but sometimes it was so difficult when there were so many unknown factors out there. Despite Adam's insistence that this community was going to be a good thing, Diana couldn't shake the anxious feeling in her gut. She hated the idea of being used as hunters and she didn't trust Lisa one bit. Then again, she didn't trust most people, which was just a product of her upbringing. It had started with a father who loved bottles of whiskey more than he loved her, and continued with a mother who had been so broken by the abusive love of her husband that she didn't have any left to give her child. Diana had been forced to grow up quickly, and grow up alone.

  Her childhood pretty much had been non-existent. She had been forced to grow up in a world that took no prisoners and gave no respite to those in need. Every day had been a battle. So, she was used to living in this type of world. For a time, her adult life had been different, even somewhat comfortable, but that all had ended and she was plunged back into the natural state of her being. It was as though she had been forged in fire. She had managed to escape her hellish childhood once before, had taken hold of her pain and embraced it tightly against her chest, using it to strengthen her. She used to tell herself that when she was able, she would escape and leave it all behind, and she had. When she left home she never looked back, and never thought about her parents, until the world ended.