Resisting My Submission

by Jenna Jacob

  My mind continued to reel when suddenly I discovered I was already inside the house and sitting on the edge of my bed. I didn’t even remember Max leading me from the car. Yet there he stood, test stick in one hand and his open palm extended to me with the other.

  “I know you’re scared, Sam, but we need an answer.”

  Digging deep, I grabbed all the strength I could muster and took Max’s hand.

  He pulled me in a tight embrace and held me there for several long seconds. “No matter the results, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. Got it?”

  “Let’s do this before I chicken out.”

  Together we entered the bathroom. After I situated myself on the toilet, I took the stick from Max and placed it between my legs. As I voided, I sent up a silent prayer.

  Wrapped in each other’s arms, we stood with our eyes glued to the plastic wand lying on the sink for what seemed an interminable amount of time.

  Ever so slowly a second line appeared.

  I was pregnant.

  CHAPTER NINE

  “I know this isn’t what you wanted, but I meant what I said, Sam. I’m beside you a hundred and ten percent.”

  I could barely hear what he said. The roar of hope collapsing within was deafening. Wiggling from his arms, I raced to the toilet and promptly threw up. Kneeling beside me, Max once again gathered up my hair and stroked my back.

  “What have I done? How could I have screwed up my life like this?” Tears rolled down my cheeks as a feeling of desolation consumed me.

  “Aw, Sam. It’s going to be all right, baby,” he soothed as he grabbed a glass of water and dampened a cool cloth. He bent and pressed the fabric to my forehead. “You didn’t do anything. We created life. I won’t lie…I’m overwhelmed as fuck right now, but at the same time, I’m excited as hell. We’re going to be parents!”

  The wonder in his tone raked my flesh like the biting tacks of a vampire glove.

  “Please…just shut up,” I sobbed.

  Instead of heeding my command, Max softly chuckled. There was nothing remotely funny about any of this. I wanted to grab a flogger and beat the happiness out of him.

  “What are you laughing at?” I spat. “You’re not the one who’s going to blimp out to the size of a hippo. It’s not your body that will be covered in stretch marks like a damn road map or crave crazy shit like pineapple and peanut butter sundaes. You’re not the one who’ll be forced to wear sensible shoes because your feet swell like cinderblocks.”

  Scooting away from the toilet, I drew my knees to my chest, hung my head, and sobbed.

  “You’re worried about having to wear sensible shoes?”

  “No,” I groaned. “I’m worried about everything!”

  “I know, baby, but don’t be. Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you you’re not alone? Yes, this is a lot to take in, but it’ll all be fine. I promise,” he softly cajoled.

  I thought him delusional but let the opinion of his mental state simmer on my tongue. Lifting me off the floor, Max cradled me in his arms and carried me to the bed. I continued to cry as he undressed us both and then crawled in alongside me. He didn’t say a word, simply threaded his fingers through my hair while holding me tight to his chest as I cried myself to sleep.

  Sunlight seeped through a gap in the curtain and bathed the room in a golden hue. My eyes felt like I’d spent the night facedown in the sand…gritty and sore. Max lay softly snoring beside me as all that had happened last night rushed back in a foreboding flood.

  I pressed my palm to my stomach as an ember of awe dimly pulsed within.

  Bittersweet memories crowded my brain. Desmond and I had tried to conceive a child for a couple of years but to no avail. I’d always wanted children. Wanted to be the warm, loving, encouraging influence to my child, like my own mother had been. But over the years as my biological clock kept ticking on and on, I’d given up hope.

  Stop thinking it’s the end of the world. You have the chance you’ve always wanted, right now!

  Strumming my stomach, I wondered if the growing cells inside me would be a girl or a boy. It didn’t matter which, only that they be healthy. Would he or she be blonde like me or have chocolate-brown hair like on Max’s arms?

  The ember within flickered slightly higher.

  Though the life inside me was only the size of a pea, or maybe a tiny tadpole, I felt an overwhelming desire to protect the growing cells. I needed to eat a better diet, get more exercise, and do everything within my power to help our child grow strong.

  Peeking up at Max, I studied him as he slept. From head to toe, he was ruggedly defined and sensually masculine. I could easily imagine a son or a daughter having their daddy’s bright smile, sparkling green eyes, and gentle, loving soul.

  A lump of emotion clogged my throat and tears filled my eyes.

  Fine. If I’m pregnant, I’ll give you the kid to raise. How’s that?

  The cruel and heartless words I’d spewed that were fueled by fear whipped through me like an icy winter blast.

  I’m sorry, I inwardly whispered. As I gently caressed my stomach, guilt and remorse made my heart bleed. I didn’t mean a single word…I swear. I love you, little one, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life proving that to you by showering you with unconditional love and happiness. You’re going to have a beautiful life. I promise.

  A new sense of resolve rooted deep within. I would strive to be the best damn mother on the planet.

  “Turn off your brain, baby. It’s clanging louder than an alarm clock,” Max teased in a groggy voice.

  “Smartass,” I chided. Lifting my head off his chest, I watched all traces of humor drain from his face.

  “Are you all right?”

  “Yes.” I nodded.

  “Talk to me, Sam.”

  “While I’m still trying to digest the fact that we’re going to be parents in nine short months, I’m through freaking out.”

  All of a sudden, Max sat up. A look of shock blazed across his face. His mouth fell partially open as he stared at me, dumbfounded.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Who are you, and what have you done with my Sam? You look like her, talk like her, but you’re not her.”

  “Ha, ha. Very funny,” I drawled and slapped him on the chest. “Just because I’m rationally coming to terms with this doesn’t give you permission to make fun of me.”

  I started to launch off the bed, but Max banded a thick arm around my waist and hauled me to the sheets.

  “I’m proud of you, Sam.” He gripped my nape and slammed his mouth against mine, plunging his tongue past my lips like a wild animal. The heat of his skin melded with mine, and the force of his kiss reduced me to liquid silver.

  “But I’m still going to tease you,” he murmured against my lips.

  With a growl, I nipped his tongue.

  “There she is… There’s the wild tigress I know so well.”

  I bit his lip and gave it a feral tug. “Keep it up, mister. I know several deviant ways to make you cry.”

  Max inched back and flashed me a lazy smile. “The only crying I’m going to do is yelling your name when I come.”

  Sparks of want zinged through me. “Do you always think about sex?”

  “Mostly. I think about food from time to time. Like now…I’m starving. Let’s go out for breakfast. Afterward we can drop by Brooks’ office…”

  I don’t like to use the term high risk, but the chance of complications rise with women over the age of thirty-five. The doctor’s words slashed through my brain like lightning.

  I gave Max a pensive nod. “We’ll go talk to him after breakfast.”

  Max pressed a kiss to my forehead. “You’re through freaking out, remember?”

  “I thought I was.”

  “Sam.” Max arched his brows in warning.

  “No. I am. I won’t fold beneath the questions and fears that are pressing in around me. We’ll talk to Brooks and meet whatever challenges await us, one
-by-one, head on.”

  “Yes. We will. We’re a team now, Sam. You can lean on me when you need to. Got it?”

  “You might be taking that offer back soon.”

  “Never.”

  After filling our stomachs at a popular chain restaurant, Max drove across town to the hospital. As we entered the medical building attached to the facility, butterflies dipped and swooped. The strength of Max’s strong hand in mine fed my courage. But as he reached for the knob of Brooks’ office, I tugged him to a stop.

  “You do want this baby, right?”

  Max stilled. A tender smile curled the corners of his mouth as he stroked the side of my cheek.

  “The only thing I want more in this world besides a healthy, happy baby is you.” He brushed his lips over mine. “Breathe, Sam. Everything’s going to be fine.”

  The conviction in his voice reinforced my resolve. I lifted my chin and placed my hand over his. Together we opened the doctor’s door. After waiting only a minute or two, a young blonde nurse ushered us back to an exam room. She had me leave a urine sample, then weighed me and took my blood pressure before leaving us alone.

  Seconds later, Samuel Brooks entered, darting a dissecting gaze between Max and me. A broad smile tugged his lips as he shook both our hands.

  “Congratulations, Mom and Dad. Based on the estimated date of conception, you two will be holding a little bundle in your arms the middle of next April.”

  The butterflies dancing in my belly dove like fighter pilots. Max let out a whoop, then kissed me hard. I laughed as excitement bubbled up from inside me, then quickly sobered.

  “You mentioned last night that my age might be a risk to the baby. What kind of dangers are we talking about?”

  “I’m going to send you down the hall so we can draw some blood, then we’ll go into my office and discuss them,” Brooks stated in a purely professional tone.

  By the time we’d climbed back inside the car, my head was spinning.

  Brooks told me to reduce stress. I nearly laughed in his face. How the fuck was I supposed to stay calm after he’d tossed out words like increased fatigue, hormonal and emotional changes, morning sickness, Down syndrome, preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, and had scheduled an amniocentesis—a genetic profile of the baby—in two months? Even Max had turned pale a time or two before Brooks was through.

  Neither of us said a word as we sat in the hospital parking lot for several long minutes. Finally, Max shoved the key in the ignition, then paused and looked at me.

  “I had no idea the potential harm that could come to you and the baby. I feel guilty now for getting you pregnant. What if—”

  “Hey.” I interrupted him by leaning over to cup his cheeks. “You’re the one who sees the silver lining in everything. You can’t crumble on me. I need your strength and that positive attitude of yours, or I’m going to come undone. Got it?”

  My voice shook. I was raw with fear, but I asked for his strength instead of lashing out—a fact that spoke volumes about the level of trust I’d placed in him over the past few weeks.

  He cupped his hands around mine and drew each of my palms to his lips. After kissing my flesh, he sent me a weak smile. “I’m not crumbling, Sam. This is only a slight aftershock born from an earthquake of understanding. Don’t worry, baby, I’m always going to be your rock.”

  Tears of gratitude and hope stung the backs of my eyes. Max leaned in and kissed me, then started the car and pulled out of the lot. I’d assumed we were going back to my place, but Max drove east toward Lake Michigan. A smile tugged the corners of my mouth.

  “A walk on the beach would be nice.” I placed my hand on his leg. “Watching and listening to the water always calms me.”

  “Me, too. It’s the only place, besides bed, that I wanted to be with you right now. We’ve got a lot to talk about, Sam.”

  “I know.”

  Strangely enough, the idea of discussing a future with Max and our child didn’t fill me with an ounce of dread. While I wasn’t looking forward to delving into a lifestyle conversation yet, I knew that time was drawing near. I’d have to make a decision. But today I wasn’t ready to pull my head out of the sand…I needed it beneath my feet and between my toes and to ground myself with Max.

  I drank in the warmth of the sun and the sound of the water gently rolling ashore as we walked. Max’s strong hand was linked in mine.

  “Do you want to tell anyone about the baby?”

  “Not yet.” I felt my brows tug together. “I’d like to keep this our secret for a few weeks.”

  “Not a problem. I’ll be taking possession of my new house in six days.”

  “Wow. That was fast. I can’t wait to see the inside.”

  A week ago, we’d taken a drive to North Shore. Max had pulled to the curb of his soon-to-be stately and beautiful, two-story Cape Cod. It was shaded by several hulking elm trees, and colorful flowers surrounded a white-framed, covered porch. He’d apologized for not being able to take me on a tour; the current owners were in the process of moving out. Still, Max beamed with pride as he described the layout of the four-bedroom; three-and-a-half-bath, with gleaming hardwoods throughout.

  “I’m anxious for you to see it, too. What do you think about… Shit…” Max paused. A hint of annoyance flickered in his eyes. “I don’t even know if you own or rent your place.”

  I chuckled at seeing him so flustered. “I rent. Why?”

  “I want you to think about moving in with me.”

  “Do what?” I blanched.

  “Move in with me,” he repeated slowly.

  “It’s a bit soon for that, don’t you think?”

  “In terms of the amount of time we’ve known each other…probably. But I’m measuring my invitation on what’s in here.” He lifted my hand and pressed it against his heart. “You and our baby mean the world to me, Sam. I want us to be more than baby daddy and baby momma. I want us to be a family.”

  Family. I could barely remember what that felt like. Though Mom was still alive, she was close to a thousand miles away. I hadn’t shared my space, twenty-four seven, with anyone since Desmond. I wasn’t sure I could remember how…or if I even wanted to.

  Sensing my uncertainty, Max squeezed my hand. “Don’t give me an answer now, just think on it.”

  “I will, but you need to do the same. I’ve lived alone a long time. I’m not laid-back and even-tempered like you.” Max started to laugh and I smacked him on the arm. “Don’t you dare say it.”

  “Say what?” he asked still chuckling.

  “No shit. Or I hadn’t noticed,” I replied sarcastically, dipping my voice low like his.

  “Would I ever say anything like that?” he asked in feigned innocence.

  “In a heartbeat, and we both know it.”

  Grinning, Max wrapped me in his arms and kissed me.

  His lips were like warm velvet.

  His tongue was pure, liquid heat.

  Though my head and heart locked horns more times than I wanted to count, there wasn’t anyone or anyplace on earth I wanted to be…than here, with him. Our lips melded as one while our tongues dueled and danced. I’d found the serenity I so desperately sought right here in his arms.

  Max reluctantly released my lips and eased back to study the contours of my face. He smiled and tucked me against his side before we started walking along the sand again.

  “I don’t get it.”

  “Get what?” he asked.

  “You’re so calm…and still here. Aren’t men the ones who freak out and head to the hills when they knock up a girl?”

  “Jaded much?” Max laughed. “First of all, I already told you…I’m not like most men. Secondly, I’m looking forward to both being with you and also becoming a daddy.”

  “So, you’re saying that you’re not the least bit nervous about being a father?”

  “Of course I am, but not like you think. I’m worried about your health and the health of our baby.” He paused before his express
ion turned grim. “I’m sorry that deep down you don’t want this child, but I do, Sam.”

  I stopped dead in my tracks before pivoting to face him. “You’re wrong, Max. I do want this baby. I know I said those horrible, unforgivable words at first. But I didn’t mean any of them. I was scared…no, I was terrified and lashed out in mean and hurtful ways. I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry.” Tears spilled over my lashes but I continued. “When I woke up this morning and realized there was actually a baby growing inside me, I wanted to stand on the rooftops and scream it to the world.”

  “So, you’re telling that you’re not afraid anymore?”

  “No. Of course I am, especially after all the things Brooks told us, but I’m not going to cow down to my fears. This isn’t about me, or you…it’s about him or her.” I cupped my stomach as tears streamed down my cheeks. “I’m going to do my damndest to drown our baby in love. And I’m going to bust my ass to make sure he or she has a life filled with happiness. Trust me. I want this baby…want it with all my heart.”

  His eyes glistened in unshed tears. Max pulled me to his chest and buried his face in the crook of my neck. He dragged in several ragged breaths. I clung to his shoulders, sobbing as he stole yet another chunk of my heart. I had no idea what I’d done to deserve this intuitive, sensitive, and powerful man. But I was never more thankful that he’d stormed his way into my life than I was at that moment.

  We stood on the beach meshed together for a long time. Finally, Sam lifted his head and flashed me that infamous crooked smile. My heart melted and I issued a watery smile of my own as I wiped my eyes.

  His expression darkened. “From now on, there’ll be no more lashing out when you’re afraid. You’ll open up and tell me your feelings. I don’t care if they’re good, bad, ugly, or unfounded…you will talk to me. Is that clear?”

  Max had never used such a Dominant and commanding tone with me before. Instantly, the ache to submit, surrender my all to him, pulsed in time with my heart. Every cell in my body screamed and begged to glide to my knees and give myself over to him.