by Vikki Vaught
Helen watched Margaret as she looked around the ballroom at all the beautiful decorations. Helen turned to her and asked, “So what do you think of your first ball?”
“Oh Helen, it’s wonderful. Everything looks so beautiful. I can’t wait for the dancing to start,” Margaret replied. “I can’t believe I’m finally at a ball!”
Boling grinned. “Come on, I want you to meet some of my friends.” He grabbed her hand and started to lead her away, when he added, “Sorry, Helen, please excuse us. We’ll see you later.” Then Boling led Margaret away.
Matthew and Helen looked at each other, and then laughed. “They certainly seem happy. Maybe this marriage won’t be the disaster that I thought it would be.”
Matthew and Helen mingled with the other guests while they waited for the dancing to begin. Helen saw Mrs. Arlington across the room and hoped she could avoid talking with her. Now that she knew she’d been after Matthew hoping he would marry her, she at least understood her animosity towards her.
The first dance of the evening was a waltz and Matthew took her in his arms. Matthew couldn’t take his eyes off her, and it thrilled her when he looked at her with so much passion. As they swayed to the music, she said, “Matthew, I’m so glad that we were able to get back for Cassandra’s soiree. The ballroom looks so festive with all the holly and evergreens. I can’t wait to decorate Collingswood Hall for Christmas. What kind of traditions do you have there?”
“Well, as I told you, my father was very frugal, and we didn’t do very much at Christmas. So any ideas that you have would be appreciated. I’m sure you participated in the Christmases at Sanderford Park.”
Smiling, Helen remembered the Christmas season at Sanderford Park. “Oh yes, we always had a party every year for all the neighbors, and family came from all over and stayed for the entire twelve days of Christmas. I helped plan many of the activities. We also put together baskets for all the tenant farmers and their families and distributed them the day before Christmas. I hope we can do something like that here for your tenants.”
“Do you think we could do that this year? I know it doesn’t give you much time, but I know our people would love it if we did something like that for them.”
“I think I can handle it. I’m sure Mrs. Smith and Cook would be happy to put the baskets together, and then we can deliver them. I’ll talk with both of them tomorrow.”
Matthew leaned in close and whispered, “Have I told you how ravishing you look tonight? When you came down the stairs this evening, you looked astonishingly beautiful. Now I’m having a difficult time keeping my eyes away from your breasts. What I would really like to do is bury my face in them and inhale your sweet essence!”
Helen blushed. “Matthew, be quiet! Someone might hear you, and you’re making me blush. We can continue this discussion when we get home tonight!” When the dance ended, they went over to Cassandra and her husband and started chatting.
Cassandra asked, “Helen, did you have a nice time in London? I’m looking forward to going in the spring.”
“We had a splendid time in London. It was wonderful to be able to spend time with my family. Because of all the uproar with that bill, there were parties almost every night. While I enjoyed them, it quite exhausted me. We’ll be going to London in the spring, but not until the end of May.”
“I’m glad you have a good visit. Where did you get your gown? It’s simply gorgeous.”
“Madame Devy designed it. I always use her when I’m in London. She specially designed several gowns for me to hide my condition.”
“I’m so happy for you. I’m still amazed you were able to keep the baby, what with your accident and all. Well, I need to mingle. Can you come for tea tomorrow? That way we can catch up.”
Helen quickly ran through what she had planned for the next day. “I think I can fit it in tomorrow afternoon at two, if that would be all right with you?”
“Yes, two o’clock would be fine. I’ll see you then. I hope you enjoy yourself tonight.” Cassandra turned and hurried away to check on her other guests.
Helen thought she had been able to avoid Mrs. Arlington, but then she ran into her in the retiring room. “Good evening, Lady Collingswood. I see you’ve returned from London. I was so sorry to hear of your accident. I was amazed to hear that you fell off your horse. How in the world did that happen? I had heard you were an excellent horsewoman, so I’m surprised you fell. I hope you received no lasting injury?”
“No, I’m fine. For some reason, the girth on my saddle gave out, and that’s why I fell. Well, if you’ll excuse me, I need to return to my husband.” Helen couldn’t believe the venom that came from that woman. If looks could kill, she would be dead!
This was really getting ridiculous. It was not her fault that Matthew didn’t marry Mrs. Arlington, and she was really resenting this woman. Helen decided it was time to have a serious talk with Matthew. There might be more to this woman’s hatred of her than she had been led to believe. She would bring it up tonight, just as soon as they got home. She hated that she would probably spoil their evening. She just knew she wasn’t going to like what Matthew would tell her. She might be naïve, but she wasn’t stupid. Something more than friendship had been between them, and she was determined to find out about it, no matter how difficult it would be to hear!
Chapter 19
Christmas 1820
When they arrived home, Helen went straight to her room. She didn’t seem to be quite as tired as she had been the last couple of weeks, so Matthew had high hopes that he would be able to make love to her tonight. Everything had been in such a frenzy while they were visiting London. Now that they were back home, things could return to normal. Just thinking about actually holding her in his arms had his desire at fever pitch. Thank God he’d been able to keep her away from Cecilia tonight.
Cecilia was always so hateful towards Helen that he was afraid Helen would begin to think there had been more between them than just friendship. Maybe it was time to do more wooing, just as Bradley had suggested. Asking her to help plan something for his tenants had been brilliant. Helen’s eyes lit up at the idea, and he hoped it would help her see him in a positive light.
Well, Sally should be through helping Helen get ready for bed, so he made his way across the sitting room and opened the door to Helen’s room. There she sat in all her glory, brushing her lovely hair.
Helen stood up as he entered the room. “Matthew, please take a seat so we can talk. I need to ask you about Mrs. Arlington. She has such hatred for me that I’ve decided there’s more to the story than I’ve been led to believe. What exactly was your relationship with her? I’m sure you were more than acquaintances, and I need to know the truth. Did you lead her to believe you would marry her?”
Oh God, why did she have to bring Cecilia up now?
Helen must have talked to her after all, and Cecilia must have said something to make Helen suspicious. Feeling very uncomfortable and wary, he lowered his head before he spoke. It was time to be completely truthful with her and try to explain as gently as possible what had been between them. In a way, it was almost a relief to get his affair with Cecilia out in the open. He just hoped Helen would be able to understand and forgive him.
Taking a deep breath, he began telling his story. “I don’t know how to tell you this. Helen, please listen to everything I say before you decide to despise me too much. I’ve grown to care about you tremendously, and I’d never do anything to hurt you. Before we got married, I was involved with Mrs. Arlington in an intimate way. I wish that I could go back in time. I would never have gotten involved with her at all, knowing what I know now. You don’t deserve her animosity. I’m so sorry for this. I hope you can forgive me.”
Giving Matthew a stormy look, Helen said, “I knew there was more that you hadn’t told me! What exactly do you mean by an intimate way? I need to understand your full relationship with this woman and if you raised her expectations! I had that happen to me, and that’s why I d
idn’t want to fall in love again, because it hurt too badly! Tell me everything!”
Hanging his head, Matthew sighed. “Cecilia…was my mistress up until we got married.” Then rushing on, he pleaded for her understanding. “I went to her just as soon as we got here and told her that I had gotten married, and that I wouldn’t continue to see her. When she started going on about how she thought I would marry her, I was shocked. We never discussed marriage, and I made it clear to her before we ever became intimate that I wasn’t interested in marriage. Please…please forgive me. I’d never do anything to hurt you, and I’ve been faithful to you.”
When he realized Helen was crying, he walked over to her and started to put his arms around her, but she shrugged him off and wrapped her arms around herself, as if she were trying to protect herself from him.
Oh God, it ripped his heart out of his chest, knowing he’d caused her such pain.
Helen raised her head and looked at him through her beautiful tear-filled eyes. “I never imagined you had a mistress when we got married. I understand that you broke it off right away, but you should have ended it before you ever came to London. You knew you were looking for a wife. There must have been a part of you that thought you could get married and keep a mistress at the same time, or you would have broken it off before you ever came to London. I don’t know if I can forgive you for that!”
God, he was such an idiot!
“You’re right. I should have ended it before I left for London. Please forgive me. I’m just thoughtless and stupid. I should have broken it of before I went to London.” Then recalling what she said about someone hurting her, he asked, “Helen, who hurt you?”
“I thought that the Duke of Somerset was going to ask me to marry him, and he had even taken certain liberties with my person, so I just knew he was going to ask me to marry him. He even alluded to it on our last outing together. Then he went out of town, and when he came back, he didn’t contact me. The next thing I knew, he became engaged to Lady Penelope. I was devastated by the whole thing, and that’s when I decided I would find someone to marry who didn’t want a love match, but I didn’t think he would have a mistress!”
Helen was sobbing by this point, and Matthew felt so worthless. What a stupid ass he’d been. He knew that Helen didn’t deserve this, especially in her condition. It was tearing him apart knowing that it was all his fault that she was feeling this sense of betrayal.
Trying to plead his case, Matthew said, “Helen, please understand I didn’t expect to find someone like you when I went to London. My mind was consumed with the need to find someone to marry so I could fulfill my father’s dying wish, and God knows my daughters needed a mother. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
“That much is obvious. You weren’t thinking at all!”
“You’ve got to believe me. I was attracted to you from the first moment I saw you. I knew if you married me, I wouldn’t want to keep a mistress. I promise I’ll never have a mistress again. I’ve…fallen in love with you. I know you didn’t want that, but I couldn’t help it. You’re the most wonderful and amazing woman I’ve ever known. I knew that I loved you the first time we rode on the beach. Please give me a chance to prove that I love you. I’ll do anything for you.”
With pain in her voice, Helen said, “I don’t know if I can forgive you for this.”
Trying to gain some ground he’d lost, Matthew said, “I’m so sorry that man did that to you.” Then hiding his jealousy, he asked, “Can I ask you what liberties you allowed? It was clear that you were a virgin when we made love for the first time. I’ll kill the bastard if he hurt you!”
“He kissed me and I…I…allowed him to touch me, but I stopped him when he tried to do more. Matthew, I need to think about this because I don’t want to be hurt, and this has been such a shock to me. I have to deal with the venom from that woman, and I can’t avoid her because she’s invited everywhere. Please, leave me, I need to be alone.”
“I’ll leave you, but please remember that I love you, and I’ll never do anything to hurt you ever again!” Matthew again tried to hug her, but Helen pushed him away and turned her back on him. Quietly he turned and, hanging his head, he slowly left the room.
After Matthew left the room, Helen sat there quietly weeping. The pain in her heart was almost unbearable. She didn’t know what to do. While she was thrilled that Matthew loved her, she felt so betrayed that he’d had a mistress when they first got married. She understood he broke it off immediately, but nonetheless, he didn’t break it off before they got married.
Helen felt as if she couldn’t trust him anymore, and it hurt so badly because she loved him so much. She guessed she’d have to forgive him because of the baby. She would just have to find some way to accept this, but she decided she would be very cautious about her future relationship with Matthew. She was certainly not going to tell him she loved him.
Of course, at least now she did know he loved her, so maybe she could find it in her heart to forgive him, but it wouldn’t hurt to let him suffer for a while. She would make him grovel a little before she told him she would forgive him. She crawled into bed, but she had a hard time falling asleep. She kept picturing Matthew making love with that woman, and she felt as if she would go mad. She tossed and turned and eventually cried herself to sleep.
Trying to put all that Matthew had told her the night before out of her mind, Helen met with Mrs. Smith and Cook to talk about doing up baskets for the tenants. Helen had Wells ask Mrs. Smith and Cook to come to the morning room. When they arrived, she said, “Mrs. Smith, I would like to make up baskets for the tenant farmers for Christmas. We used to do baskets for our tenants when I was at Sanderford Park.” Helen turned to Cook and added, “I want to put foods in them that will help them have a better Christmas. Can I count on you?”
Mrs. Smith smiled excitedly. “I think it’s a wonderful idea, and I know all the tenants will be thrilled with them. I’d be happy to put them together, milady.”
Cook spoke up. “I can make fruitcakes and cookies fer th’ children and o’ course, plenty o’ puddin’. Oh milady, this is so wonderful of ye. Ever’one will jus’ love it. I’ll get t’ work on ‘em right away.”
“Lord Collingswood and I want to deliver them the day before Christmas. Will that be a problem?”
“We’ll have them ready milady,” Mrs. Smith said, and then they left the morning room to go get started. Helen was pleased that Mrs. Smith and Cook were so enthusiastic about the baskets. Helen thought the idea to put the fruitcakes and cookies in the baskets would thrill all the children. She just wished she had thought of the baskets sooner so she could have had time to have some toys made to add to the baskets.
It was hard for Helen to concentrate because she kept replaying her conversation with Matthew from the night before, but she was determined to get everything done that she had planned for the day. After lunch, she ordered the carriage so she could go to Cassandra’s house. It was a very cold and a surprisingly icy day, since snow was rare in Devonshire, but she really needed to talk to Cassandra, so she decided to go anyway.
Helen hoped Cassandra could give her some advice about what to do about Mrs. Arlington. She was so heart sore over this. Every time she thought about Matthew with that woman, it made her so angry. Even though it happened before they were married, the very thought of him with another woman infuriated her. She wasn’t so na�ve that she’d thought Matthew was pure when they married, but it was worse knowing who the woman had been.
Oh, the pain of it all!
She kept seeing them making love, and it was tearing her up inside.
About three quarters of the way there, she heard a loud crack and suddenly the carriage jerked and began to tilt, she heard the driver yelling at the horses, trying to get them to stop. She felt the carriage begin to roll and tried to grab the strap, but she didn’t have time. As the carriage lurched, she felt herself being thrown about and all her thoughts were for the baby.
Please, G
od, don’t let anything happen to the baby!
Finally, after sliding on the ice, the carriage came to a stop. The carriage was lying over on its side, and Helen had been thrown against the door, which was now on the ground. The window was broken and glass was digging into her back. Her shoulder was throbbing so she was sure she’d injured it again.
The coachman got the carriage door open and tried to help her out, but since the carriage was on its side he wasn’t able to. “Milady, I’m goin’ t’ have t’ get some help. Since we’re closer t’ th’ marquess’s house, I’ll go there. I’ll hurry as quick as I can.”
Helen tried to remain calm, but she was worried about her baby. It was so cold she was shivering and her teeth were chattering. She struggled to sit up, but she scraped her bottom and felt a piece of glass dig into it. She realized that she needed to stay still. By this time, she was thoroughly wet from the snow and ice that was under her. She must have sat there against the door for at least thirty minutes before someone showed up to help her.
Lord Ralston opened the door, and between him and the coachman, they were able to get her out. She was in quite a bit of pain by this time. Lord Ralston carried her to his carriage and got her inside. He had plenty of blankets, so he put several of them around her, trying to help her get warm. When they got to his house, he carried her up to one of their guest bedchambers and laid her on the bed. Cassandra stayed with her while Lord Ralston sent for the doctor and Matthew.
Cassandra’s maid came into the room carrying a night rail and helped Helen change into it. Her back had stopped bleeding, but she had scrapes all over her upper back and her buttocks where she had sat on the glass.
Once Helen was in bed, Cassandra came into the room. “You poor thing, you’ll need to lie on your side because I’m sure your back is painful. My goodness, I can’t believe your carriage lost a wheel. Does anything hurt besides your back? Are you beginning to warm up? It’s such a cold day you must have been freezing in that carriage.”