Chasing William

by Therese McFadden

  But that’s okay.

  “You can alter what you can’t change.”

  I never thought of emailing William as another habit I’ll eventually have to break. Obviously I can’t call someone who’s dead, so my ritual of calling William every night had to end. I can send him messages indefinitely though, or at least that’s what I told myself in the beginning. I wouldn’t have to stop.

  But it isn’t healthy. Maybe healthy isn’t the right word, but it all amounts to the same thing. It was necessary at the beginning to get me through, but now I have to start letting go. It started in Minnesota when I didn’t realize it. I just didn’t talk to him as much as I had been. Even though I could manage it unconsciously, actually telling myself to stop is a different story. It makes me sick. I can’t do it.

  It’s just one more ritual I’m not ready to give up yet. I guess I can always try to compromise.

  To: Laura Micheals

  Message: Hey, I’m betting you probably don’t remember me, but I’m the girl you met at a gas station. You know, the one who was kind of a bitch. You gave me your card and told me to get in touch if I needed to. I think I’m finally ready to talk to you. It’s hard to start the conversation about William, especially with people who have no idea what it’s like. But I really would like to talk to someone if the offer still stands. I’m not sure how to start moving on. I could use some help.

  The past few months have been really hard, and I thought being alone to work through my issues was the best way to solve the problem. Maybe it was, at least at the time, but it’s also really lonely. I think it might help to have someone to talk to who knows what it’s like. What we went through wasn’t the exact same thing, and I realize that, but it’s about as close to the same as anyone can get. I just want to know how you managed to keep living your life without going crazy. Make sure I’m headed in the right direction. I’d appreciate it more than you know.

  To: Luke Bellairs

  Message: Hey Luke! I bet it’s still snowing in Minnesota, (comma splice) from what I saw it probably never stops (or at least never gets warmer). You know what, I take that back, I actually don’t think I saw it snow once when I was up there. There was just always snow on the ground. (There was? The reader just heard that it was seriously cold) For all I know(comma) it’s just part of the landscaping. Maybe all this snow talk is just a lie.

  I’ll be heading back up there in the fall for school…(space)I’m official now! Must be some kind of glutton for punishment by going back, but it was so nice to be away somewhere no one knew “us” without having to lose him. (Not sure what she means by this) And I’ve already got a friend to make sure I don’t get lost on campus or show up in the wrong buildings. Although I’m not sure how much help you’ll actually be. I get the feeling you’d like to watch me wandering around lost. How dare you.

  See you around sometime soon?

  I hope things are getting better for you and your dad.

  To: William Davis

  Message: Checking in once a week. That could work, right?

  I’m just not ready to give you up completely.

  “Some koi fish are red.”