Cop Out

by KC Burn

  Simon caught his eye across the room and raised a brow. Kurt lifted his beer like he was making a toast and gave him a big smile. He smiled back and bent down to say something to Jen, who popped up on her toes to wave at him.

  Kurt drained his beer, and decided to grab a bottle of water instead of another beer. Ian sidled up to him at the bar. “So, how much trouble are you in?”

  “Trouble?”

  “The units dragged you into the break room at your own party. Clearly they wanted to give you shit about something.”

  “Nope, they didn’t. Everything is fine.” And for the first time in months, those words weren’t a lie. He laughed.

  “Okay, then. You’ve let the voracious preggers have their cake, made the rounds, let’s go to the strip club.”

  “No, Ian, I’m not going.”

  “Why the hell not?”

  This was a good a time as any. “I’m gay.”

  Ian narrowed his eyes. “What did you say?”

  “I’m gay. That’s what I was talking to mom and dad about.”

  Ian paled, dark hair and brows an even greater contrast than normal. “I… I….”

  “Hey, man, I know it’s a bit of a shock.”

  Ian spun around and almost ran out of the room, his reaction like a fist to the gut, smashing Kurt’s previous good mood to the ground. Out of anyone in his family, he thought Ian would actually be the most understanding, since they’d always been so close.

  Both Simon and Mikey saw, and they both headed toward Kurt, reaching him at the same time.

  “Squirt, what’d you say to Ian?”

  Kurt glanced at Simon, who gave him a tiny nod and a shrug of the shoulders. Yeah, he might as well pull the bandage off with everyone. “I told him I’m gay.”

  Mike glanced quickly at Simon, as though he thought Kurt might be playing a joke on him. Then he got the same thoughtful look their dad had given Kurt earlier. “Huh. And he was upset by that?”

  Okay, c’mon. Wasn’t he at least going to get any expressions of shock? What the hell? Surely no one had actually guessed he was gay when he’d gotten to this age without even suspecting it himself?

  “Seemed to be.”

  “He’ll come around, squirt. This mean you’re finally going to bring someone to these functions? Mom hates that you haven’t settled down, you know.”

  A tiny intake of breath from Simon told Kurt he knew how much that question hurt, even though it wasn’t Mike’s intention.

  “Maybe. Someday.”

  By the end of the night, his whole family knew, and his sisters at least, had been shocked, but not upset. Ian hadn’t returned or called anyone, but Kurt couldn’t worry about that now. If Ian was going to be like that, Kurt was going to have to learn to live without him. Because he had more than enough to occupy his mind and thoughts without trying to make his brother not hate him for the code written in his genes. He wasn’t exactly happy, but the disturbing and atypical emotional yaws had evened out. Content? Almost.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The longer days of summer only seemed to mean longer workdays. The task force sucked up a lot of extra time as they geared up for a sting. There weren’t a lot of expectations for him and Simon—they were mostly included as backup. Afterwards, they could go back to being just overworked, instead of fucking overworked.

  “We need to turn here.” Kurt looked up from his text to direct Simon. His partner was getting a lot better navigating the city, but they’d save about ten minutes taking back streets at this time of day. He hit send and slipped his phone back in his pocket.

  “Thanks. That this week’s Davy text?”

  Kurt sighed. “Yes.” Giving up his last connection to the man he loved wasn’t yet possible, even though they hadn’t spoken in almost half a year. He sent an extra one on the anniversary of Ben’s death, but even that hadn’t gotten any response. For all he knew, Davy no longer had the same number. Sure, he could find out easily enough, but he didn’t want to give up the self-deception, imagining Davy at least smiling as he read Kurt’s weekly texts.

  “How’s it going?”

  Kurt shrugged. “Still nothing.” Pathetic, and he knew it. He was sure guys who just came out of the closet had a lot more sex than he did. But Kurt was still a little out to sea. He’d never been great at dating women, but he’d had a number of years to assimilate the rules and customs. Maybe he’d see if Ivan wanted to act as his mentor.

  “You coming to our party on Saturday?”

  “Sure thing.” He preferred their quiet dinners to parties—if he wanted to be surrounded by a bunch of people he didn’t know and drink, he could go to Finn’s—but Jen would be hurt if he didn’t show.

  They got out of the car at the crime scene. One of the beat cops sniggered and muttered “fag” under his breath. Both he and Simon growled, and the guy scuttled away.

  Kurt rolled his eyes. It sucked—the loss of respect he endured with some of his coworkers, just because of his sexual preference. Considering he was practically celibate, it was a bit of a joke. But most of the guys who made comments were guys he’d never wanted to hang out with anyways. Aside from the occasional chest-beating, Kurt ignored them. But he might have to see if Ivan wanted to go for a beer. Not as a hookup, but as a sounding board, a resource… maybe even a gay friend.

  “What have we got?” And it was business as usual again. Kurt was getting used to missing Davy.

  “Kurt! I’m glad you made it.” Jen hugged him and drew him into the house. Kurt tilted his head to the side. Jen usually hugged him, but she was rarely quite this enthusiastic in greeting him. But since this was a party instead of their usual dinner, perhaps Jen had already been into the wine.

  He followed her into the living room. He recognized a few of the people there, including Tiffany. Who smiled at him and wiggled her fingers at him, without any hint of malice or contempt.

  “Does she know?”

  Jen followed his gaze to Tiffany. “About you? Yeah, I told her. She was stressing about your uh… date. I hope you don’t mind.”

  Did he? Kurt turned that thought over in his head for a moment. “No, actually I don’t.” He had no intention of wearing a billboard or taking out an advertisement, but he didn’t mind people knowing, whether or not he was the one who told them.

  “Never mind her.” Jen was practically bouncing. Dread trickled through his gut, and he slowed.

  Jen peered around and then grabbed his wrist, pulling him into the dining room, and halting before a slim, brown-haired man, a few inches shorter than he was. The trickle became a stream.

  “Justin?”

  The man turned from his contemplation of the snack table. “Hey, Jen.” His pale-blue eyes scanned Kurt from head to toe.

  “Justin, this is our friend Kurt. Kurt, this is Justin. He’s our neighbor from down the street.”

  “Nice to meet you, Kurt.”

  Oh shit. This was a set up. It couldn’t be anything else, not when Jen gave him a little smirk and disappeared immediately. She’d done the same thing with Tiffany. Justin was more immediately and more viscerally appealing, but he still didn’t know what the fuck he was doing.

  “So, Jen tells me you’re a detective, like Simon.” Justin handed him a plate and made room for him by the table.

  “Yes, I am. I have to say, I’m at a bit of a disadvantage.” God. He sounded like his great-aunt Martha. And the ninja butterflies made the thought of eating impossible, although he still took the plate.

  “Oh, well, not much of one. That’s pretty much all I know.”

  Kurt grinned. “Okay, then.”

  Justin grinned back. “I’m in marketing. Entirely desk bound, and it’s probably nowhere near as interesting as your work.”

  “There’s a lot of waiting. A lot of slogging through papers, databases, Internet searches, stuff like that. It’s not all chasing down suspects and gun fights.”

  He wasn’t able to tell if Justin was a cop groupie or not. He’d come acr
oss a number of women who’d fuck any cop just because they were cops. Presumably there were gay guys who were the same. And he saw Justin with new, considering eyes at the mental combination of this lithe man and the word “fuck.”

  They talked a bit more, moving out to the patio, where the summer night wasn’t quite as humid as the past few days had been. They talked long enough that Kurt wondered if he was being rude by monopolizing Justin. And he couldn’t tell if Justin was attracted to him or just felt sorry for him.

  “Look, can I be honest with you?” Since his birthday party, he’d been more inclined to be straightforward.

  “Uh, sure.” Justin pulled back a little, wary.

  “I’m kind of new at… this.” Kurt gestured to the two of them.

  “New at?” Justin’s brows drew together, and he leaned forward into Kurt’s space. “Wait. You’re just out?”

  Kurt nodded.

  “How long?”

  How long? This was the first real break he’d had since his birthday—the days had started to merge into one big blur. “Six weeks?”

  “Oh my God. You’re practically a virgin!”

  Kurt’s face flamed, which he hoped wasn’t visible in the gloom. It wasn’t dark enough to miss Justin adjusting a bulge in his pants, which, in turn, constricted his own pants even more.

  Justin glanced around. “Want to talk somewhere a little more private?”

  No mistaking that invitation. Kurt’s cock swelled even further. “Sure.”

  They walked into the shadows beside the house, keeping a careful distance between them. The sounds of the party were subdued, like they couldn’t penetrate the darkness. It created a sense of isolation, like he and Justin were the only ones around. Despite his smaller size, Justin crowded him against the rough brick wall and leaned up to kiss him.

  Kurt opened his mouth, letting Justin’s tongue inside. He clutched Justin’s slim hips, pressing their groins together, as he explored Justin’s mouth with his tongue. Justin undulated against him, rocking his erection against Kurt’s hard cock.

  The sensations of kissing a man were as right as they were the first time he’d done this, but thoughts of Davy pulled him out of the sensual fog surrounding him. He put Davy out of his mind, and dived deeper into Justin’s mouth, trying to devour him. Justin moaned and wormed a hand between them, rubbing at Kurt’s groin. It had been so long since he’d been turned on… so long since Davy… and so much better with a man than it had ever been with a woman.

  Justin made quick work of his zipper, drawing his dick out into the night air. The sense of vulnerability, the sense that someone could see, might catch them, made his cock throb and weep. For the first time he understood why people took the risk of getting arrested for public indecency. As a cop he should know better, but his brain was no longer in charge. The thick column of flesh Justin jacked was making all the decisions.

  “Undo my pants,” Justin whispered.

  Right. He should be returning the favor. Fingers slightly unsteady, and working awkwardly around the hand at his groin, Kurt managed to unzip and free Justin’s erection. His own pleasure took a back seat as he wrapped his hand around someone else’s dick. It was hard and soft at the same time, familiar and foreign. He pulled at it, stroked it like he would his own, and if he imagined it was Davy’s dick, well, no one had to know. Something sharp and painful cracked open in his chest as he lamented he’d never actually gotten to touch Davy. His fingers slid around the head, dragging through the precome he found there. He never got to taste Davy, either. In the lonely days since, he’d tasted his own spunk… always imagining it was Davy’s.

  Justin maneuvered them together, grasping both dicks in his hand, leaving Kurt free to just feel as Justin stroked faster and faster. Kurt’s breath sped up in tandem, and his orgasm broke over him, Justin’s hand sliding more freely as his cock jerked and spit.

  With a shudder and a groan, Justin found his own release, and the sultry smell of sex permeated the summer humidity around them.

  Justin let go, and squatted to wipe his hand on the grass before standing and tucking himself away. Kurt followed suit, but slower. He’d had an orgasm, and not alone. Which should have been great. But it wasn’t. The crack inside widened, leaving him empty and hollow.

  Leaning back against the wall, he wondered if his sex life, his love life, was ever going to get easier. Whether he’d ever have the comfort his friends and family had found in relationships.

  “That was great, Kurt.” Justin pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “Can I see you again?”

  Kurt thought about it. Justin seemed like a nice guy. They’d talked for a long time, and he was attracted to him. But Justin wasn’t Davy, and until Kurt made peace with that, it wasn’t fair. His mother would kick his ass if he treated one woman as a substitute for another, and she wouldn’t be any happier if he did it to a man. But the most convincing reason against it was that he wouldn’t be happy doing it. He became a cop because he believed in doing the right thing. This wasn’t it.

  “I’m sorry Justin. I’m….” He sucked in a deep breath. The sudden resurgence of male musk in his nostrils made him question, for a fraction of a second, his decision. “I’m in love with someone else, and until I get over that, I don’t think I’m ready.”

  “In love? Oh. Right, well, I like you Kurt. How come you’re not with this guy?”

  “It’s a long story, but he doesn’t want anything to do with me, and I’m trying to come to grips with that. He’s the reason I came out.”

  “And what, he kicked you to the curb when you did? Why the hell wouldn’t he snatch up a guy like you? I know we just met, but I have an instinct. You’re a good guy, and you’re hot as hell.”

  The darkness hid Kurt’s embarrassment. “You’re a good guy too. Actually, he doesn’t know I’ve come out. He thought I wanted to keep him a secret, so he dumped me. And I came out because he was right. It wasn’t a secret I should have been keeping.”

  “So, why aren’t you… holy shit, Kurt. Does he even know you came out?”

  “No, I…. Shit.”

  “Oh, Kurt.” Justin gave him another, longer kiss before he stepped back. “Tell him. And if it still doesn’t work out, give me a call. Pass on my thanks to Simon and Jen for a great party, but I think I’m going home now.”

  Justin left him there in the dark, as his worldview shifted and reformed beneath his feet. He wasn’t going to text Davy about this. For all he knew, Davy wasn’t even reading his texts. Seeing Davy in person, making him listen, that was what he had to do.

  Kurt grew up fighting for the independence to make his own decisions, not to let his family coddle him. He’d fought his way up the rank and file to detective. He struggled through his self-revelation, admitting to himself he was gay. He’d even found the courage to tell his family something that could have ripped him from their regard. But it never occurred to him that he might have to fight Davy for the chance to make them both happy. He’d wallowed long enough. As soon as this damned operation was over, he was going to.

  The sounds of the party got louder, or at least, he became more aware of them. Glancing down, he determined his appearance wouldn’t show anything untoward, like he’d gotten a hand job in the dark. He laughed. Just like a high school party, hooking up like the hormone-riddled sex fiends they were. How… embarrassing now that he was an adult.

  He walked back around to the yard, where it appeared most of the party had moved out to the patio. Tiki torches cast welcoming yellow light, and Kurt stepped out of the shadows, hoping no one would wonder where he’d been.

  No such luck. Simon bent over a cooler, grabbed a beer, and headed straight over.

  “So… where’s Justin?” Thankfully, Simon kept his voice low.

  “He went home. He said thanks for inviting him.”

  “Uh-huh. Went home, eh? I noticed you two were missing for a bit. You seeing him again?”

  Oh God. Maybe there is something to be said for a friend who di
dn’t want to know about your personal life. Still, he was grateful he met Justin. If nothing else, it gave him further confirmation he was gay, despite not knowing all the rules for gay dating or hookups. Orgasm aside, the interlude went a lot smoother than any of his recent dates with women.

  “No. I don’t think so.”

  Simon’s eyes widened. He hadn’t expected Kurt’s response.

  “Nope. I’m… gonna talk to Davy. In person. Try to clear the air. See if we can get past this.”

  “Good for you. I was wondering when you were going to figure that out. I hate seeing you text him every damned week.”

  “Yeah. I don’t know if it will change anything, but I need to either shit or get off the pot. This half-life is kind of stupid.”