The Telling

by Beverly Lewis

  Does the doctor there suggest dry brushing the skin? This can be very beneficial, he wrote.

  Absolutely, she typed back. Later, she added: My Amish friend came to visit this afternoon. She says she’s going to visit every day to cheer me up. And guess what? Her mom is back – the woman we went looking for a few days ago in Ohio. Heather wouldn’t go into detail or say how elated Grace was now that Lettie had come home on the heels of their futile trip. None of that concerned Jim. He, too, restricted his comments to the ordinary stuff of his life, or to things pertaining to health – buying groceries at a co-op after getting off work, going for a run. Things like that. But he didn’t say where he worked, and she hadn’t asked.

  Too nosy.

  Fighting sleep now, Heather signed off after his last text and slid down into bed. She placed her iPhone on the small table nearby. Then, pulling up the sheet, she relaxed her arms on either side of her, pulling the sheet taut across her chest.

  Will I hit the proverbial wall soon... the one Jim warned about? Her eyes slowly adapted to the darkness as she lay there wondering how things would play out. How would she feel on the fourth... sixth... tenth day? What about weeks from now, after her time at the lodge?

  She breathed deeply, as she’d learned to do – four counts as she inhaled, then eight long counts to exhale. She tried to imagine her mom praying for her as a baby, before her parents had even heard about her or knew she was available for adoption. Evidently, waiting for a baby through the local agency in Virginia had taken far longer than her parents had ever envisioned. Mom had seen it as divine intervention when she and Dad had learned through Ohio friends of Heather’s availability.

  Dad said they fell in love with me at first sight. She felt peaceful with the thought, as she had back home in her own beautiful room. If only her father would reconsider selling the house she and Mom had loved so well.

  Should I bring it up again? She wondered if he’d gone home to put the house on the market. Is it too late?

  Tomorrow, if he visited, she would stick her neck out and ask.

  Long after the Smucker children were tucked in for the night, Lettie opened the back door of the little Dawdi Haus and waved Sally inside, glad for the company. “Are the children asleep?”

  “For now, but Isaac tends to walk in his sleep,” Sally told her, going to the table and pulling out a chair. “It started after he saw his uncle accidently cut off his thumb while splitting logs.”

  Lettie cringed. “No wonder.”

  “Happened more than a year ago.”

  “Children react differently to troubling things.” Lettie got up to put some water on for tea. She hoped her own children would not be severely scarred by what she must tell them. Although her visit with Grace today seemed to indicate otherwise. Knowing the truth didn’t change her heart toward me. It seemed to Lettie a kind of miracle.

  “Not sure how any of us gets through life without some scars,” Sally remarked.

  The psalm Lettie had read this afternoon came to mind as she set the kettle on the stove. For thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name’s sake lead me, and guide me.

  Sally turned in her chair to look at Lettie with concerned eyes. “Are you comfortable over here?”

  “Jah... fine. And I’m grateful to you and Josiah.” She wouldn’t say she missed Judah, especially after his warm and welcoming greeting in Sally’s kitchen earlier. She’d thought of little more than his tender touch all day – the way he’d stroked her cheek, his eyes glistening. His fondness touched her even now, and she wished he might’ve forgiven her then and there.

  “I hope things improve for you.” Sally’s words were soft yet strained.

  Lettie understood and appreciated her concern. It was important for the People to have the opportunity to extend mercy to those who wished to repent – their age-old tradition. The significance of the degrees of confession set down by their forefathers was revered by the bishop and the church membership, despite the fact that many in their church district embraced Scripture as the ultimate authority. All for the good.

  “What things are bound and loosed on earth will be so in heaven,” Sally whispered.

  “ Das alt Gebrauch – the Old Ways are best,” whispered Lettie.

  “Anything else would be considered worldly.”

  But as serious as Lettie’s situation was with the ministers and, ultimately, the People, her heart was equally heavy for Judah. If she could, she yearned to help him through the hurt of betrayal and maybe, someday, receive his forgiveness.

  “Will you offer to be shunned for a time?” Sally asked, her eyes sad. “Josiah looked dreadfully concerned after the two of you talked today.”

  Lettie thought of Judah again. In spite of his reserved nature, he had always been loyal to her, even compassionate. With Sally talking like this, she wondered if Judah would also eventually ask her some of the same questions. “I’ve carried the pain of my sins too long,” she said. “I’m ready to make things right before God and the church.”

  Sally opened the small cupboard and reached for two teacups and saucers, as well as raw honey for sweetening. “I’ll keep you in my prayers, like I did all the weeks you were gone from us.”

  Lettie’s eyes filled with tears. “I need prayer now more than you know,” she said, remembering again Judah’s earlier sweetness toward her. How quickly his tenderness had turned to disbelief... and rejection.

  She wiped her eyes on the hem of her black apron. How could I expect otherwise?

  twenty

  The night was a canker on Judah’s heart, knowing Lettie was back in the area but not with him tonight. He’d remained silent at her plea for forgiveness and didn’t know what to do about it.

  He turned his attention now to his newest lamb. Already he’d spent hours making sure it was nursing from its mother. Sitting on an old barn stool, he replayed Grace’s words from this afternoon again in his mind. They haunted him – to think his wife had moved from Preacher Josiah’s main house to their little Dawdi Haus, as if she might be there a while.

  Staying all alone...

  He considered what Lettie must be feeling. Surely she had demonstrated a submissive spirit toward Preacher Josiah. And surely she was willing to be shunned for a period of weeks, as was their way. Not in hopes of being quickly forgiven – or having her sin concealed. He’d seen in her eyes that she was truly sorry. Yet he had utterly abandoned her.

  There was a rumble of thunder, and he went to stand in the doorway of the barn, watching the lightning rupture the sky. The musky smell of coming rain pervaded the air, and he pulled it deep into his lungs. Too restless to think of going back to bed, he looked across at the dark silhouette of the house, quite satisfied the young lamb was going to thrive. She’d finally latched on to the ewe and was bonding with her mother even now.

  He stepped out of the barn and pushed the door shut behind him. The grass beneath his feet was damp with dew. He felt it flatten beneath his work boots as he walked to the front of the house. Stepping lightly onto the porch, he fixed his gaze on Lettie’s beloved swing. Impossible not to. He went to sit there and leaned his head back, stretching his sore neck.

  Missing Lettie had been agonizing when she was out of reach, but now? He exhaled. The Lord commanded forgiveness, no matter the offense. The Sermon on the Mount said it was expected. But I’m just a man... not God, thought Judah ruefully. I need a divine measure of grace. O Lord, help me!

  He sat there for a good twenty minutes, waiting out the rain that came like silvery arrows out of the black sky. Forgive and your heavenly Father will also forgive you. He winced at the thought.

  When the storm had blown itself out and was moving rapidly east, Judah rose and walked down the steps and through the front lawn, bypassing the walkway. With his wife’s despairing look embedded in his memory, he headed around the side yard and into the kitchen.

  The front porch creaked, awakening Adah out of a deep sleep. Who’d just come and sat on
the porch at this late hour? In her weariness, she raised herself on one elbow, then after a moment leaned back into the soft mattress once more. Jakob needed her there next to him. This had been his most agitated night yet, despite Lettie’s return. Adah had hoped he might settle down a bit now that Judah had told them Lettie was back. But, truthfully, it wasn’t enough for them to know their wayward daughter had returned. Things were still undone, and Adah and Jakob both suffered with similar guilt.

  For Lettie’s sake, she’d begun to pray about what to do. Receiving forgiveness from the People was a good and holy thing. Something she had yearned for, as well. And Lettie’s coming back to confess to Judah was a fine start. For all of us. The festering burden Adah had also carried was beginning to lift; she could feel it slowly easing. Now if she could just be free of it completely.

  Looking over at Jakob, who’d finally given in to sleep, she assumed he, too, needed to be released from bondage. If only she could talk with Lettie to find out what she’d told Preacher Josiah about her past. If anything. And, too, she was anxious to know what Lettie was willing to do to again become a member in good standing, once the ministers agreed upon the discipline.

  But Adah knew her own guilt would not be dealt with by her daughter’s repentance. She must do what the Lord required of her , with or without Jakob’s blessing – and without Lettie’s say-so. Adah’s harbored sins were her own. From the first time Samuel laid eyes on Lettie till now, I resented him. And worse.

  She clasped her hands over her bosom and squeezed her eyes. O Lord, forgive me for despising him. Sorrowful tears trickled down her face and onto her nightgown. First chance I have, I’ll ask Lettie to forgive me, too. The very first chance, she prayed.

  Then, as if Jakob was somehow aware of her prayer, he rolled over and sighed. Adah scooted over next to him, leaning her head on his big shoulder. Her long hair fell around her as she nestled closer than she’d done in years.

  Grace awoke to the dawn the next day, a warm and golden Tuesday. The high-pitched staccato song of a house finch perched near her window sent Grace’s thoughts flying to Mamma. She whispered a prayer, asking God for a quick resolution to her parents’ separation.

  She dressed quickly and went down to the kitchen, where she and Mandy cooked a hearty breakfast of scrambled eggs, French toast, and fried potatoes for their father and brothers. Dawdi Jakob and Mammi Adah were clearly missed at the table, but Grace honored their wish to have two meals a day in their own kitchen.

  “I’ll need to work most of the afternoon today,” she told Mandy and suggested that Mammi Adah might help with making supper.

  Mandy insisted she could handle it.

  Grace gathered up the ironing. She tried to count her blessings as she set to work, thinking what a relief it was that Mamma was at least back in the area. As a little girl, she had been totally taken with her mother. And now... well, it was a horrid feeling to go from such admiration, to wondering what folks might think of Mamma. For her part, Grace was surprised Mamma had been so open about her youthful error, telling even Mandy and Joe and Adam when they visited. How would they feel toward the eye-rollers once word got out about Mamma’s first child... if it did? Not knowing what upheaval was ahead of their family was most disturbing.

  Adah’s heart was hammering as she rode with Jakob in Judah’s family buggy after an exceptionally early breakfast. She could hardly wait to lay eyes on Lettie and was grateful for Jakob’s willingness to accompany her to Smuckers’.

  When they pulled into the lane, she said right quick, “If ya don’t mind, I’ll go in and talk to Lettie first.”

  Her husband scratched his beard, saying he’d assumed as much. His hands remained on the reins, even though the horse had come to a halt.

  “She’ll want to see you, too,” she added.

  “Just give a wave... I’ll come on in.”

  Adah nodded and climbed out of the buggy to make her way to the Dawdi Haus where Grace had said Lettie was staying.

  She was met at the door by Lettie, whose eyes brightened at the sight of her. “Oh, Mamm... it’s ever so gut of you to come!”

  Her heart warmed at the unexpectedly kind reception, and Adah’s eyes filled with sudden tears. She moved to embrace her daughter.

  It was Lettie who pulled away first and motioned toward the little sitting area. “I wondered if you knew I was back.”

  Adah nodded. “I came first chance I could. It’s wonderful- gut to have you back.” She glanced out the window, then back at Lettie. “I’ve thought of little else since you left.”

  Lettie seemed relieved to see her and began to share what she’d encountered in Ohio, telling of her journey. “I located Minnie Keim, who told me that, to the best of her recollection, I gave birth to a baby girl.” Lettie regarded her. “Mamm, I never knew I had a daughter!”

  “I should’ve told you.” Adah worked her mouth, trying not to cry. “I kept other things from you, too, Lettie.” She bowed her head. “Failed you miserably.”

  “None of that matters now, Mamm, really.”

  “But I – ”

  “Mamm... please. ”

  “You couldn’t possibly know how difficult that all was for your father and me.”

  “I do understand. And I forgive you... for the things I know, and for the things I still don’t.” Lettie brushed back her tears. “Most of all, I don’t want to carry any more bitterness toward you.”

  “You suffered terribly because of me.” Adah struggled to speak. “I knew you cared for Samuel and for your unborn baby. I knew it then, and yet I did everything in my strength to keep the two of you apart. Didn’t want him to influence you, keep you from joining church, too. Ach, his family was just so different....”

  “No need to rehash this, Mamm.”

  Adah asked hesitantly, “Did ya find... the child?”

  “No.” Lettie’s eyes squinted, tears welling up. “But I’ve filed the necessary paper work with the state of Ohio.”

  “I’m so sorry to have put ya through this.”

  “If God wills it, I’ll find her yet.”

  They were quiet for a time, absorbing each other’s presence.

  At last, Adah spoke. “I wish I hadn’t hated Samuel so... and I’m sorry for that.” She reached for Lettie’s hand. “We loved you, dear one. Your father and I surely did. We thought it best we conceal your pregnancy.”

  “Any parent would want to protect their daughter,” Lettie said. “You wanted me to have a chance to wed a man like Judah... wanted to spare me the disgrace and to protect our family’s name.”

  “Jah... all of that.”

  “I’ve longed to talk to you, Mamm – to ask you to forgive me for holding this grudge against you and Daed.” Lettie wiped her eyes. “It took finding Minnie for me to understand that I’d buried my pain over the loss... what it was doin’ to me.”

  “Of course I forgive you,” Adah said. “Can you ever forgive me , Lettie? For makin’ you give up your first wee babe?” She paused, gathering herself. “Such an awful long time you’ve waited for those words, I’m afraid.”

  “Ach, Mamm...”

  “No, no – let me finish. I never should’ve forced you against your will. You loved your little one so.”

  “I’ve already forgiven you, Mamm.” Lettie smiled sweetly.

  In her deepest heart, Adah knew Lettie had harbored resentment these many years. But now, seeing her daughter’s lovely face radiate such mercy, Adah sensed she spoke the truth. “Ach, Lettie, you’ve made me feel whole again. Truly, you have.”

  Lettie’s arms flung wide. “Let’s try and put the past far behind us, jah? Can we?”

  “Oh, we must,” Adah managed to whisper as she stepped into her daughter’s waiting arms. “We surely must....”

  When it was time for Grace to leave for work, Joe volunteered to take her. During the ride to Eli’s Natural Foods, Joe brought up his visit to see Mamma yesterday with Adam and Mandy. “Brief as it was.”

  �
��I’m sure she was glad ya went.”

  He nodded. “She had plenty-a hugs and kisses for all of us.”

  “Adam must’ve enjoyed that,” Grace joked.

  “Well...” Joe rolled his eyes. “It was nice to see her. Just surprising when she told us why she might not be coming home for a time.” He glanced down at the reins in his hands. “Never imagined Mamma was hiding something like... well, you know.”

  “No, and poor Dat in the dark ’bout it,” Grace said. She was quiet a moment before adding, “It’s probably for the best that Mamma’s keepin’ busy helping Sally out.”

  “Just hope she doesn’t get too comfortable over there,” Joe commented.

  Grace sighed. “Hopefully she and Dat will work something out... in time.” Now that he and her other siblings knew about Mamma’s past, she hoped they would keep it quiet. It was enough of a transgression for Mamma to have deceived their father all this time – not to mention leaving the family for all those weeks, too.

  When they pulled into the parking lot for Eli’s, Joe said, “Mandy’s somehow run out of vanilla for whatever she’s makin’ for supper. Do ya think you could grab some right quick?” He looked sheepish as he asked, but of course he wouldn’t know where to begin to look for such a thing.

  Grace smiled. “Wait here, and I’ll go right in.” She hurried down from the carriage and headed inside.

  The store was busy with customers, typical for this time of day. She shouldn’t have been surprised to see Prissy Stahl shopping there. Grace waved to her in her rush to the baking aisle.

  Prissy was still pushing her empty grocery cart around when Grace came back down the aisle, heading for the front entrance with the vanilla for Joe. “Hullo, Grace,” she said.

  “How’re you, Priscilla?” She moved past her and toward the cashier. “Excuse me... Joe’s waitin’ to take this home to Mandy.” She hoped Prissy wouldn’t think she was impolite.

  When she returned from the parking lot and Joe, who’d left with a grand wave of his straw hat, Grace searched reluctantly for Prissy without success. Not wanting to delay the start of her shift, she went back and punched the time clock, then donned her work apron.