A Cowboy For Christmas

by Kristen James

  That wasn’t anger in his voice. It was flat out desire.

  “Okay.” She patted Dancer before leaving. Brent put his arm around her. Shock ran through her at how much she needed him.

  “It’ll be alright.”

  His words put tears in her eyes, but she hid them by pressing her face closer to him. What had happened today? It felt like more than an accident occurred.

  In his bedroom, he trailed kisses all over her body while he undressed her. She felt the need he always sparked, but her heart ached with strange emotions. Unable to speak, she clung to him for comfort and warmth and the fulfillment he offered. Spending their mutual need left them entwined in each other’s arms. Cassie wasn’t sure who was holding who, but she needed his arms around her.

  “Today reminded me of the day Ben died,” Brent said softly. His words were soft, but she jumped into alertness, her heart thudding hard.

  Why hadn’t she seen that?

  Raising her head, she looked into his face in the dim light. “Today wasn’t your fault. Neither was that day.”

  “You weren’t there.”

  She didn’t care what the facts were. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

  He shrugged, and since they were lying down together, his shoulders moved under her. “I lost control.”

  This must be the male mind at work. She wouldn’t argue now, but just let him talk. “Of your horse, you mean?”

  “I wasn’t clear enough to Ivan. I didn’t give enough weight to Jumper’s mood. I should have checked before bringing Jumper into the stables.”

  She wanted to say what’s done is done, but that wouldn’t help him. This was the first time she’d seen this side of him, one that worried and admitted weakness.

  “Jeffery will recover, won’t he?” She grabbed unto that because she didn’t see any way to relieve Brent’s guilt.

  “He’ll heal.”

  So why couldn’t Brent let go of it? They’d all learned something. She almost pointed out that she was more to blame, but he’d feel bad for that, too.

  “How did you lose control when Ben died?” she asked instead. She couldn’t have asked this before, but he’d brought it up this time. He wanted someone to listen, she could tell that much.

  After several deep breaths, he said, “I could have gone. I planned to, but he didn’t want to wait. So he went and got in the accident.”

  She could see why it was hard on him, but he didn’t cause the accident or make Ben drive the truck that day. “You didn’t ask him to go?”

  “No, but I should have just gone.”

  “You can’t change the past.” Wow, big revelation there. That should help him out. “I don’t think it was your fault, and I don’t think Ben would want you to regret that day for the rest of your life.”

  What would he say to that? He didn’t answer, but pulled her closer to him. She laid her face on his chest and listened to him breathe.

  He seemed to be waiting for something. What else could she say? Minutes ticked by and he didn’t go to sleep, but rubbed circles on her bare shoulders with his hand.

  She wanted to ask what he wanted, because she felt stiffness in his shoulders. With a jump in her heartbeat, she remembered what he wanted. Another conversation came to mind, the tense talk they’d had that morning in his kitchen. She’d asked him to share then, and he had demanded the same from her.

  Now what? Her heart took off running, and she wanted to bolt from the bed, too. She noticed his heartbeat was running a little fast as well while he waited for her to say something.

  This wasn’t something she could throw out there on the spur of the moment. She didn’t know if she could ever tell him.

  Several slow and tense minutes passed before he sighed. They didn’t speak again, but he didn’t let her slip away that night.

  * * * *

  Brent woke up early and smelled lavender. He’d lost it if he smelled her when she wasn’t there. And felt the warmth of her bare back pressed against his front.

  He wasn’t remembering her scent, he smelled her. There, with him, asleep. Hugging her closer, he breathed in her scent and kissed her cheek, her neck, that little spot where her neck met her shoulder. His face fit perfectly. Their bodies fit just right as they lay there together.

  The night before crashed back into his thoughts, like the waves beating the beach. A throb started in his temples. Had he asked too much?

  He’d opened his heart, expecting her to do the same. What could be so big and dark that she couldn’t tell him? After all they’d shared, she couldn’t trust him the way he trusted her.

  Maybe she didn’t plan to stick around.

  As she made a little noise, she turned to him. When her eyes opened and he saw uncertainty there, his stomach knotted up. “Missy . . . will you be all right today?”

  She nodded, flattening her hand on his chest.

  “Will you come to me if you need to talk?” he asked, and she nodded again. That nod didn’t necessarily mean she’d talk to him about whatever hurt her before.

  Holding her, he kissed her face and reassured her before getting up. Seeing her in his bed made him feel torn between his responsibility for his horse . . . And the woman he loved.

  She wanted space. He could see it in her desperate look. “I need to go down to the stables. But you can stay there as long as you like.”

  Nestled down into the covers like that, she had her face half hidden and didn’t give away anything in her expression.

  “Thanks,” she said when the moment drug out. He took her hand and reluctantly let go to leave. What could he do with a woman like that? He loved her enough to let her get away with it. But he knew she'd eventually need to talk about it.

  He could tell that Ivan was expecting to get it for the incident. The young man readily agreed to check on the horse during the night and the morning before Brent could make it over. He didn’t bother saying anything to Ivan, knowing it wasn’t needed. Some things in life weren’t learned through words.

  He went to the stables and to his horse. “Hey, old friend. Just couldn’t let that other horse show you up, could you?”

  The soft footsteps surprised him. He’d expected Missy to stay in bed a while or find something to keep her busy. So far, she hadn’t felt the need to spend all her time with him.

  Maybe she was here to talk to him. It could happen, just like he could win the lottery or find gold on his property. He turned to look at her while still running his gloved hand over Jeffery’s nose. She wore a sheepskin coat, her hands tucked into her pockets. With her long hair pulled back into a ponytail, she had a strange aloof look that didn’t go with her personality.

  Something was stirring in the air, and he got a bad feeling about it.

  In the minutes while he waited, he caught her quick glances.

  “I have to ask you something.” She’d kept the distance between them, and he could tell this was hard for her to do.

  “Shoot,” he said. Guilt flashed through her eyes, filling him with dread.

  She pulled in a breath, taking forever. “We have to cool things between us.”

  Out of all the possible requests, he hadn’t seen that coming. Though the air hung misty and silent around them, her words seemed to echo in the cold.

  “Brent?”

  “Why?” Why do you want to gut me and leave me to die?

  “The ranch.” She tried to shrug. “My sanity.”

  He stepped closer, wanting to take hold of her arms, but she backed up. “I can tell you’re lying.”

  “What do you know?” That city girl cover was back, the one she’d worn the day she came to his porch.

  “Is this about what I told you last night?” he asked, confused and hurt that his confession would drive her away.

  With a shake of the head, she said, “Of course not. Don’t ever think that.”

  “Then what? Don’t you see I need you? I think you need me.” Brent stepped so quickly, she couldn’t back away from him. Sh
e couldn’t run with his hand gripping her arm, but she didn’t look like she planned to answer him, either.

  Eyes big, she bunched her mouth up at him. “I don’t want to need you.” Her enraged voice told him she was telling the truth for once.

  “I don’t understand. I know you didn’t plan on this, but neither did I. Fate brought us together.”

  At the fiery flashes in her eyes, he knew he’d picked the wrong words.

  “Are you saying I don’t have a choice?”

  “Of course you do,” he said, wishing to hell he could understand her. “I just need to know why you won’t take it.” Why couldn’t he break through?

  She shook her arm free. “I can’t walk into this lightly. I need to think about it.”

  In his opinion, she did too much thinking, but he let her leave.

  Chapter Ten

  The radio on her kitchen counter played Christmas music, but to Missy, it didn’t feel like Christmas would be coming to Ocean View Stables.

  Telling Brent the truth had seemed like the worst thing that could happen. Maybe she couldn’t handle this.

  “Time to make peace.” She stood in her kitchen, watching out her window as Brent walked with Jeffery in the pasture. After two weeks of not talking with him, not working beside him, or making love to him, she felt like a stranger to herself.

  She wrapped up in a coat and scarf and walked down to see him, knowing he might send her packing. He saw her coming, but didn’t give her a warm greeting.

  “How is he?” she asked, not stepping close enough to pet Jeffery.

  “Much better, thanks.” He only gave her a glance. Boy, he wasn’t going easy on her, was he?

  “I missed you,” she tried. He whipped around, sending her a step back.

  “I didn’t send you away, remember?” She’d never heard his soft voice sound as bitter as it did now. Had she hurt him that badly? “You wanted to cool things down, they’re cooled.”

  She pushed her hands deep into her coat pockets to keep them warm. “I got scared.”

  “And I offered to help.” He kept his attention on the horse and she stood for several minutes, thinking about leaving. But she couldn’t. He sighed and turned to her. “You want me, then you don’t. My horse is more dependable than you are.”

  “Okay, fine,” she mumbled to herself on her way into the stables. She decided Dancer needed some one on one time with her. It’d be good for both of them.

  Maybe a horse was more dependable. So what? Why did she have to be dependable? She saddled Dancer and took off on the path to the top of the hill. They set a good pace, stopping when they arrived at the spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean.

  Waves rose and fell in a natural rhythm and pace. The cold wind stung her cheeks, but she welcomed it.

  Such a beautiful view . . . she loved this place. She wasn’t sure when it had happened, but she felt like she was home – like she'd found whatever it was she'd been looking for.

  She nudged the horse and headed back as the sun slipped down into the clouds over the water.

  * * * *

  After she’d put Dancer up, she trudged back to her little house in the fading light. Inside she flipped on the lights and dropped onto her couch. Was there enough wine left in her fridge to get her drunk? She was almost in tears, about to get the wine, when someone knocked.

  Knowing it’d be him, she opened her door to a tall cowboy, his hat in hand, and hurt in his blue eyes. She had put that hurt there, and that made her stomach go sour. She let him in and went back to her couch.

  “What’s going on, Missy?”

  “I was wrong.” She could say it only so many ways. He looked so handsome. And so frustrated.

  “Is this about Ben?”

  She stared at him, dumbstruck. “Oh, you’re mad at me. I replaced him. And you’re mad at me.”

  His eyes went wide. “No!”

  Then what did he mean? She waited for an answer. He turned his hat in his hands. After a sigh, he said, “I don’t know what else to think. You won’t give me anything.”

  Actually, she’d given him everything but the truth. “Sit down with me, Brent.”

  He sat and immediately demanded, “If that’s not it, what’s holding you back?”

  She couldn’t break eye contact. His blue eyes held hope and questions. He’d shared his guilt with her, why couldn’t she tell him?

  She hadn’t said the words out loud to anyone. And she stared at him now in silence, her heart pumping erratically in her chest. Each beat sounded loud inside her, hurting. Each breath took effort.

  She’d give anything for him to know, to somehow read her mind, and save her from saying the words. She couldn’t do it.

  “I can’t do this, Missy.” He stood and her heart shattered. “If you want me, you want me. And if not, we’ll see what happens here at the ranch. But you can’t go one way and then the other.”

  His eyes blazed at her as he set his hat back on his head. He stormed out, maybe for the last time.

  * * * *

  That couldn’t have gone worse. After stalking out into the darkness, he stopped and stood with both hands on his hips. He’d do anything to get Missy to love him, truly love him and share her life and secrets with him.

  What could it be? What haunted her and kept her so guarded?

  A light rain began to fall as he stood in the middle of the road. Rain didn’t bother him. The expression he’d seen on her face when he left did.

  Now walking just to move, he took one step after another, though he didn’t want to leave. Was fair the most important thing? No matter what else happened, he couldn’t leave things be the way they were. He loved her, even if they didn’t have a future together, so he couldn’t leave her with those angry words.

  Halfway back to his house, he couldn’t go on. He turned and started for her house again, but right then he heard someone take off from the stables on horseback. How’d she get past him?

  Did that woman take to a horse every time she got mad?

  He ran to the stables, threw a saddle on Jeffery and took off after her. The rain continued to drizzle, coating him with tiny water droplets that started soaking through his clothes. At least she’d stuck to a path, so he saw her up ahead.

  “Missy!”

  She turned Dancer to run off, but he galloped up to her. She really meant it when she said her and Dancer were friends. At least someone was riding him again.

  “Wait, Missy, can I tell you something?” He could barely see her.

  “I deserve it, so go ahead.” Her rough, shaking voice told him what his eyes couldn’t.

  “I didn’t mean to tear into you that way. I said what I did because I care about you.” He paused, wanting to stop, but he couldn’t hold back his feelings for her. “I love being around you, but I can’t do it, not if you’re this way.”

  “What way?” The rain had flattened her hair to her face and down her shoulders, but she didn’t seem to notice.

  “I’ll put aside the fact that you’re out here alone on a black night.” He wanted to tell her to get inside, but they had more important things to discuss. “You were into me, now you’re running. You’re breaking my heart.”

  Her horse became still. Missy, too, remained quiet, and he had to take that as her signal for him to leave. Fine, he’d had his say and she wasn’t stopping him. “All right, Missy. But please get inside. You’ll get hurt out here.”

  He retreated a ways down the path and made sure she got back to the stables, figuring she knew he was keeping an eye on her. How could he not? She could tear his heart in two, but he couldn’t control how much he wanted to protect her. He waited outside while she took care of Dancer before he took Jeffery in and brushed him.

  * * * *

  For two full minutes, Missy stood outside Brent’s cabin door with her fist raised to knock. You’re breaking my heart. She’d never broken anyone’s heart before. She’d never had anyone who cared so much about her. After he said that, she
couldn’t stay away.

  The door swung open before she knocked.

  “I’m sorry.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “For the way I’ve treated you. I’ve been immature and selfish. And confused.” His face was set and hard, his brows creased as she stared at him. She pulled in a breath, but it sounded like a sob before she finished.

  “Come here.” He grabbed her by the arms as he spoke and pulled her against him. They embraced with her chin tucked into his neck. “I don’t care what you do anymore, but you better not ever run away from me again.”

  “What if I hurt you, Brent?” She liked how he felt against her and how his arms held her close.

  “You didn’t drag me into this.”

  “But what if I’m using you so I won’t be alone for the holidays?” In truth, that had been one small consideration. But she couldn’t tell him the rest.

  “Is that so bad?” He ran his hand down her hair and rested it against her cheek. She wondered if he was letting her off the hook about telling him the truth. He added, “Sounds like you don’t want to hurt me.”

  “I’m scared I will. And that you’ll want more than I have to give you.”

  “Right now, it’s more than enough just to hold you.” He pulled her closer so that she could feel his warmth through their layers of clothing. “I can go slow, follow your lead.”

  “You make it sound easy,” she mumbled, closing her eyes.

  “I’m trying, I don’t want to make your life harder than it is.”

  “I’m the one doing that. My life’s about as simple as you can get. I make my own hours, run things the way I want to. It’s the stuff inside me that’s messing up everything.”

  “I don’t think it is.” He pulled her head back to look into her eyes. “The only suggestion I can offer is to share your burden. When you’re ready, I want to help you.”

  His expression sent shivers through her. He touched his forehead to hers with his eyes closed. His lips touched hers, moved, and took on an urgency until she couldn’t resist.