Twenty minutes later Noelle was on the table with Dev at her side, clutching her hand as tightly as she was clutching his.
“Okay, we’re going to go through this slowly,” the technician said. “I’ll explain what we’re seeing.” She smiled. “It’s not always intuitive. And to answer the question I nearly always get on a first ultrasound, yes, that’s really a baby.”
She showed them the baby’s head and spine. “It’s too early to know the gender, but you two need to decide if you want to know in advance or not.”
Noelle looked at Dev. “What do you think?”
He shook his head. “I’m still grasping the fact that we’re having a baby. It’s real.”
She smiled. “Soon we’ll have the dirty diapers to prove it.”
The technician hesitated, then set down her wand. “I’ll be right back.”
She left. Noelle stared at the now blank monitor. “I don’t know who thought this machine up, but it’s great. I can’t wait until I’m further along and we can see more of the baby. I can’t decide about the gender thing. It would be nice to have the room ready, but I also like the idea of a surprise.”
Dev bent down and kissed her. Anything else she’d planned on saying flew out of her brain.
The technician returned, along with the doctor.
“All right,” the doctor said. “Now I want you both to take a deep breath. I’m sure everything is fine.” She picked up the wand and turned on the screen, then moved the wand over Noelle’s stomach.
Noelle felt a sudden rush of cold. “You’re saying something could be wrong with the baby? It’s not growing right?”
Dev’s fingers tightened around her own. She looked at him and saw fear in his eyes.
“I don’t know,” her doctor admitted. “To be sure, I’d like to do an amniocentesis. Are you familiar with that? The results take about three to four weeks and will let us know if everything is all right.”
Noelle stared at Dev. This couldn’t be happening, she thought frantically. Not the baby.
“It’s going to be fine,” he told her, looking into her eyes with such incredible focus, she knew he could actually will it to be true.
“I’m scared.”
“Me, too. But we’re in this together.”
Noelle still felt numb with shock as she and Dev left the doctor’s office. They’d been reassured that everything was probably all right and better to be safe and all that, but she wasn’t feeling very safe.
“I’ll follow you home,” Dev said as he pulled out his cell phone.
“What?” She looked at him. “I’m okay.”
“You’re not. I’ll call Katherine and explain I won’t be coming back. She can handle our suppliers for the rest of the day.”
As much as Noelle would have liked the company, she also felt a strong need to be alone. To figure out what all this meant to her.
“I’m fine,” she said. “Really. I just want to go home and rest for a while. You go ahead and deal with your people. We can talk another time.”
“I don’t think you should be by yourself.”
She forced herself to smile. Strength was required, she told herself. For all she knew, Dev had been planning to tell her he was never coming back.
“There’s nothing either of us can do,” she pointed out. “We can’t change what is happening with the baby. We’ll find out when the results are in. In the meantime, I’m going to assume everything is fine and live my life. You go back to work.”
“You can’t mean that.”
“Of course I do. I’m seriously all right, Dev. I promise.”
He didn’t look like he believed her, but he did put away his cell phone. “I still want to come over tomorrow.”
“That’s fine. I’ll be home all afternoon.”
He walked her to her car, then kissed her cheek. “If you change your mind, call me. I’ll be right there.”
“I appreciate that, but don’t worry. Go.”
She gave him a little push toward his car, then slid into her own. As he walked away, she felt the fear return. It crashed over her, draining her of everything but the ability to breathe and wait. How would she ever survive three or four weeks of not knowing?
Dev turned back to look at her. She gave him a smile and a wave and wondered when, exactly, she’d turned into such a good liar.
Chapter Fourteen
Noelle managed to get through the day without too much trouble, but night was another matter. She put off getting into bed until she was exhausted, but the second she lay down on the cool, clean sheets, her entire body went on alert.
Her heart raced, her head filled with questions and fear claimed her. It moved through her body like a living creature, stealing away breath and hope and will. She knew she had to fight the sensation, that she had to stay strong and try to relax, but it was impossible.
What if something was wrong with the baby? She was pretty sure she could stand anything but losing it. Medical problems could be fixed. Other kinds of problems could be dealt with. But not having a baby at all was unbearable.
She turned onto her side and curled up as tightly as she could, as if she could use the rest of her body to shield what was growing inside. She felt lost and alone and knew nothing would ever be all right until she heard from the doctor with good news.
“Please God,” she prayed silently over and over. “Let everything be okay with the baby. Please.”
She waited for the peace that usually followed her quiet, spiritual times, but there was only the low-grade gnawing that drained her of everything but terror. She’d left on a lamp on the nightstand, but even the soft glow in the room did nothing to chase away the shadows in her heart.
She fought against tears. To give in now would be to let the fear win. Strong, she told herself. She would be strong and powerful. The reality was, she didn’t know anything, so why assume the worst?
But it was hard to be brave, so very hard. She ached inside and out. She felt cold and lost and—
The bedroom door opened. Before she could react, she saw Dev enter the room.
He crossed to the bed, kicked off his shoes, then joined her on the mattress. Without saying anything, he gathered her in his arms and held her close.
“You’re not alone,” he whispered. “I’m here, too. We’ll get through this the same way we started. Together.”
He felt warm and strong and alive. She let herself hold on to him, her head resting on his shoulder, her legs comfortably trapped by his.
“I’m scared,” she admitted. “Really, really scared.”
“Me, too. I shouldn’t have gone back to work. I should have been here for you.”
“I was okay until I came to bed.”
“I wasn’t,” he told her. “I couldn’t concentrate. I kept thinking about you and the baby and wondering if I made this happen by thinking this was just another one of Jimmy’s messes I had to clean up.”
She raised her head and looked at him. “Life isn’t like that. Not only doesn’t the universe punish you for what you think, you simply don’t have that much power. You can’t think something wrong or better. Things simply are.”
“I know that in my head,” he said. “I’m sorry I said it to you. I’m sorry I thought it in the first place. For a long time the baby wasn’t real to me. It was a fact, something to handle. But not a real person.”
She understood that. For her the baby had been an intellectual exercise, too. “Things changed,” she said.
He nodded. “That first visit to the doctor made the baby real. It also terrified me. I wasn’t ready to be a father. Not because I don’t want to be tied down, but because I don’t want to mess up. I want to do everything right.”
“That’s not going to happen. None of us is perfect. We make mistakes. The point is to never stop trying to be the best we can be. Especially when there’s a child in the mix.”
“You are the wisest person I know,” he told her.
She managed a smile
. “Then you need to get out more.”
He chuckled. “I mean it. You’re amazing. I loved my brother and I’m sorry he’s gone, but if he’d lived and you two had gotten married, he never would have realized how lucky he was.”
Her heart fluttered and for the first time in several hours, it wasn’t with fear. “We might have made it.”
“I don’t want to think about that,” Dev admitted. “I don’t want to think about you with someone else. What if you had married Jimmy? We would have met and become friends. I would have thought you were great.”
“I would have thought the same,” she admitted, not sure where the conversation was going, but wanting to be there for the ride.
“But you would have been focused on him and I would have been…” He touched her cheek. “I would have been screwed. I would have woken up one morning and realized I was completely and totally in love with the woman married to my brother.”
She forgot to breathe. “Dev…”
His dark gaze locked with hers. “I love you, Noelle. I’m sorry I was such an idiot about everything. That it took me so long to figure things out. I can give you all the reasons, if you’d like.”
Hope grew. The white light of it burned away the fear. “The reasons would be nice,” she said.
He smiled. “You deserve them. Okay, for the longest time I’ve thought that love makes a person weak. I thought my mother died of a broken heart. I’d forgotten how she’d twisted love in her mind until there was only duty and service. I’d forgotten how grateful I was when she died and I didn’t have to feel guilty all the time about not pleasing her enough. Then I felt horrible for wanting her gone and I thought I’d had something to do with her getting sick. I never sat down and worked it out. I just had undefined feelings that made me uncomfortable about getting close.”
He tucked her hair behind her ears. “Jimmy was another complication. I didn’t know what to do with him. How to make him better. My dad says some people are just born to take the hard road and that Jimmy’s one of them. I still have to think on that. But the message I still got from that was love makes you weak. Then I met you.”
“Technically we ran into each other.”
“That’s right. And I’ll be grateful for the rest of my life. Noelle, you have shown me that real love makes a person strong. Your power comes from faith and love. It always has. I don’t know why you’ve chosen to love me, but I don’t want that to ever change. I’m sorry for what I put you through and I hope you can forgive me. I’m willing to work at proving myself. Just tell me what you want me to do.”
If she hadn’t been held in his arms, she might have floated away. “You don’t have to do anything,” she said. “Except promise to move back and never go away again.”
“That’s it?” He almost sounded disappointed.
“You have to promise to love me forever and always be willing to keep our marriage strong.”
“Done.” He stared at her. “Just like that? No other tests?”
“I don’t want to test you, Dev. I just want us to be together. You had to find your way here on your path, just like I did. What matters to me is that we’re here and we’re together.”
“I don’t deserve you,” he said, then kissed her.
Their lips met as if to seal a promise each had made. She felt his love wash over her, healing her dark places and pushing back the last of the fear.
“We’ll get through this,” he said, moving his hand to her belly. “Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it together.”
“I know. With you here, I can stand whatever happens.”
His dark eyes brightened with determination. “This baby is going to be fine. So is the next and the next.”
She smiled. “How many are you planning?”
“I’m not sure. How many do you want?”
“Let’s start with two and work our way up from there.”
He pulled her close. “Never leave me. I couldn’t survive that.”
“I won’t,” she promised. “You’re my world. Why would I want to be anywhere else?”
“Then you’ll marry me?”
She held up her left hand, then pointed at his. “I hate to break this to you, but we’re already married.”
“We got married for a lot of reasons, but none of them were about being in love and wanting to commit to each other. I want a real marriage, Noelle. I want it lousy and messy and passionate and imperfect. I want to fight and make up and have plans and build a life that makes us happy every day.”
His words touched her deep inside. “I want that, too. But I’m not sure about getting married.”
He looked so shocked, she started to laugh. “I’m kidding,” she said. “Yes, I want to be married to you.”
“You’d better be,” he growled, then kissed her again. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” she said. “You’re exactly where I’ve always wanted to be.”
Epilogue
Eighteen months later
The cake was impossibly large for a one-year-old child, Noelle thought humorously, yet little Mindy was far more interested in impressing everyone with her ability to walk and her ability to speak…sort of.
She was also distracted by the constant bursts of laughter from the teenage contingent across the yard.
“Don’t you even think of growing up,” Noelle said, sweeping her daughter up into her arms and raining kisses on her cheeks and forehead. “You’re going to be my little girl forever.”
“If only,” her mother said as she carried out a tray of sandwiches. “Enjoy this time. It all goes so fast. I still remember your first birthday.”
Her mother got a little misty which, now that she was a mother herself, Noelle completely understood.
The Sunday afternoon was surprisingly warm for March, which was why they’d been able to hold the celebration outside. Now Mindy squirmed to get down, then walked to her grandmother and held up both her arms.
“Up,” the little girl said. “G’ma up.”
“Did you say Grandma?” Noelle’s mother picked up the toddler and swung her in a circle. “Bob,” she called to where the guys were standing around the barbecue and talking. “She said grandma.”
Noelle’s father grumbled. “She still likes me best.”
“Of course she does, dear. I think we need to get more pictures. Come on, you sweet little angel. Let’s go inside and get the camera. There can never be too many pictures of my very first granddaughter, can there?”
Mindy laughed.
Noelle watched them go into the house. She felt deep contentment and a sense of everything in her world being where it should be.
After three grueling weeks of waiting for the results of the amniocentesis, the time made bearable only by Dev’s constant and devoted presence, they’d learned that the baby was perfectly healthy in every way. Mindy had arrived right on time and she’d grown into a bright, happy little girl.
Dev walked over and put his arm around her. “What are you thinking?”
“That we have a very good life.” She nodded at his father. “I’m glad Jackson bought that house down the street. I like having him close.”
“Me, too,” Dev said. “Although what he’s going to do with a place that big is beyond me.”
“He might get married again.”
“That would be good. I’d like him to find someone.”
They’d come so far, she thought happily. She had graduated from community college in January, on schedule, and had already started at UC Riverside. Her classload was light enough to let her spend plenty of time with Mindy. When her daughter had to be left with someone, Noelle used the church day care or one of the many volunteers. There was her mother, Dev’s father, or her sisters.
Dev had provided all three of her sisters with college scholarships, allowing her mother to go back to the work she loved at the church.
“We’re very blessed,” she said.
Dev hugged her close. “Yes, we are.”
She smiled. “I know it’s Mindy’s birthday, but I have a present for you.”
He raised his eyebrows. “I had my present last night.”
“You can have it again tonight, if you want, but this is something different.” She paused. “Actually, I guess they’re related.”
“Are you going to tell me what you’re talking about?” he asked teasingly. “Or do I have to guess?”
“I’ll tell you.” She took his hand and placed it on her stomach. “I’m thinking September. Maybe this time we’ll have a boy.”
Dev swept her up in his arms and swung her around. Then he set her on the ground and kissed her so thoroughly, she felt light-headed. Around them, no one paid attention. Their families were used to this kind of display.
She and Dev would share their happy news later, she thought as her husband kissed her again. Mindy would enjoy being a big sister.
Sometimes, she thought happily, life really was a miracle.
ISBN: 978-1-4268-4221-4
HAVING HER BOSS’S BABY
Copyright © 2006 by Susan Macias Redmond
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