Southern Belles, a Novel About Love, Purpose & Second Chances (9781310340970)

by Anderson, Sarah

  “Is she okay?”

  “She should be okay.” I said surprised by the baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants CeCe wore. Her hair looked slightly greasy and I could tell it hadn’t been dyed in sometime. Her dishwater blonde roots had grown out several inches and she looked tired. Even in the darkness I could see the dark circles below her eyes. She looked terrible.

  “Good. I came as soon as I got your message.” She offered, making no eye contact with me.

  “CeCe, where have you been?”

  “I’ve been driving.” She said, watching Lucy.

  “No, where have you been? I haven’t heard from you since Christmas.” I said, sitting up now.

  “I’ve been busy.” She started to sniffle.

  “Apparently, too busy for your best friend?” I said angrily.

  “Char, I don’t want a fight right now.” She said, looking down at the floor.

  “You don’t want a fight then tell me what in the world is more important than your best friend? I get your busy. I’m busy too. I work, I go to school. I’m a single parent. You can’t tell me you’re busier than I am.”

  “Char, I don’t want to talk about it right now. I came because you called me and I was worried about Lucy.” She said, without looking at me still.

  “What the hell? I’ve called you millions of times with nothing back. I needed you before now. Thankfully, my family was here beside me when I thought I might have lost Lucy.” I said, feeling the tears start to build up.

  “I’m sorry Char. I’m very sorry.”

  “Sorry?”

  “Yes, I’m sorry. I had the worst semester and I haven’t talked to anyone.” She said, wiping her nose.

  “What too many exams? Too many vacations with your parents? Or was it too many parties with your sorority sisters? That had to be really tough. Gosh, I don’t know what I would’ve done.”

  “This is exactly why I haven’t talked to you. You are so judgmental. Just because somebody doesn’t do what you think they should do or act like you—it gives you the right to look down on them.” CeCe suddenly raised her voice.

  “Are you on drugs CeCe? Are you drinking—because I don’t know what you’re talking about? This is about you not returning your best friend’s calls for the last five months.”

  CeCe glared at me with a look of pain and anger. “This is exactly what I’m talking about. Charlotte; the perfect one who never makes mistakes, who can do no wrong, who always has looked down at me for doing what I wanted to do instead of what you thought I should do.” She barked back.

  “Are you kidding me? I got pregnant at 18 from a one-night stand CeCe. I gave up what was left of my childhood to become a parent. Oh yeah, the guy who knocked me up I never heard from him again—remember that was when we use to be best friends. So, tell me what’s worse than that? Huh? You got anything? Anything, at all? I know it’s hard having everything you want given to you on a silver platter. I can’t even imagine how stressful that must be for you.” I said in complete disgust.

  Through gritted teeth and tears falling from her eyes, I heard CeCe shriek back. “Yeah, well you were never alone when you were pregnant. I was there for you.” Without holding back her emotions, she repeated, “I was there for you, Char.”

  Feeling my level of anger rising I asked, “Are you pregnant CeCe?”

  “No, I’m not anymore.” She said, with her lips pursed tightly together wiping her eyes.

  “What do you mean anymore?”

  “I’m not anymore.” She sniffled.

  “Did you lose the baby?” I asked feeling ashamed for losing my temper with her.

  “Yes.” Tears streamed down her cheeks.

  “When did you miscarry?” I asked feeling suddenly horrible for yelling at her and for not being there when she needed me.

  “I didn’t miscarry, Char. I had abortion.” She said, looking at me through tear-filled eyes.

  “You had an abortion?”

  “Yes.” CeCe confessed, fighting back tears.

  “I started to feel bad—even ashamed just now for yelling at you. I felt bad for you thinking how you just lost a baby and how horrible that must feel—especially being all alone. And then, you tell me that you chose to lose that baby—that you had an abortion? I woke up this morning not knowing if I was going to lose my baby. While I was pleading with God to let my baby live and not die—my baby who I awoke to with blue lips—who was barely breathing and almost dead—you are standing here telling me that you chose to let your baby die?” I asked barely able to look at her.

  “I came here to support you as I’ve always done Char. You have no idea how I feel. I don’t need you to tell me how I feel or what I am. I’ve already cursed myself enough times to want to just curl up and die. I’m sick about what I’ve done. No one knows. I can’t tell anyone. I’m ashamed and I can’t change it—all I feel is sad and empty, all the time. You’ve always been jealous of the money my parents have to pacify me with but all the money in the world won’t bring my baby back. I can’t change what I’ve done as many times as I’ve wished I could. I’ve been sick to my stomach for months. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. Whenever I see a baby, I have to look away to keep from losing it. There’s a piece of me missing that I can never get back and I don’t know if I’ll ever feel okay again. I feel guilty for being alive. I feel guilty for wanting to feel happy again. I know I don’t deserve to be happy. I wanted that baby—I wanted to have that baby so badly.” CeCe said crying, shaking as she stood there. “I was scared. I’m not like you, Char. I don’t have parents who love me like yours love you and are there for you. My parents would’ve never talked to me again. I couldn’t tell you—you made the right choice—one I couldn’t make. I couldn’t face you—that’s why I stayed away. It wasn’t because I had grown away from you. I wanted so desperately to tell you but I couldn’t bear to be rejected by you for not being as strong as you were. I didn’t want to lose you. You’re the only person that’s ever loved me for me. Not even my mother allows me to be me—she’s always trying to change me into something she can be proud of. I’ve always been an embarrassment to her—never living up to her standards. You’ve always been there for me. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I hate myself and I don’t know what to do. I’m failing all my classes. I can’t think clearly. I’m plagued by thoughts of what would have been if I kept my baby and now I’ll never know. I’ll never know Char!” CeCe collapsed to the floor.

  “I’m so sorry too. I’m angry that you didn’t think you could tell me. Of course, I’m angry that you didn’t choose life. But I’m angry that you were alone in this when I would’ve moved mountains to be with you CeCe. I’m sad and angry that you don’t have the most incredible gift in the world to love and love you back. I’m angry that you’ve been hurting all by yourself for months with no one there to love you—to get you through this.” I said, nodding my head with a face full of tears as I paced the room.

  “I don’t know what to do. I’m probably going to get kicked out of school. My parents can only throw so much money at them before they are bound by some kind of ethical dilemma.” CeCe sobbed. “Everywhere I go on campus, I’m reminded of my mistake. Every time I try to sleep I just keeping thinking about the baby and the procedure.”

  I stood up and grabbed the tissue box from the drawer and handed some to CeCe. I took out several for myself and sat back down. I wrapped my arms around her and leaned my head against her shoulder.

  “How did this happen?”

  “I was under so much pressure to be better than my parents. I was studying all the time just to get decent grades. By the time the last semester was over, I just wanted to quit school. I needed a break. Instead, some of my sorority sisters talked me into going to a party. I needed to just forget about the last several months. There was plenty of alcohol and I kept drinking so that I would loosen up by the time we got to the party.”

  “Was this the party you were going to when I called you before winter break?” I asked wipi
ng my nose with the tissue.

  “Probably, I don’t remember too much about that day other than I had more to drink than ever before.”

  “I knew something was up when I talked to you that night. You were rude over the phone and you’d never spoken to me like that.” I said, still sniffling.

  “I’m sorry I was rude to you. I haven’t been myself for a while now.”

  “Who was it? Who got you pregnant?”

  “When we got to the party it was packed and everyone ended up getting separated. I kept drinking. I didn’t know anyone and I really didn’t care what was happening around me. I just needed a break from reality after the semester ended. While I was waiting to get a beer a guy came up and offered to get me one. I finished that beer and started on another two or three. I was really woozy by then and just needed a place to lie down. He carried me upstairs to his room and laid me down on his bed. He locked the door and then came back over and started kissing me and unbuttoning my shirt. I was so drunk by that point that I just kind of laid there. He wasn’t mean or aggressive but I knew he wanted sex. I obliged as long as he used a condom because I could barely move. He said he would use a condom.” CeCe looked down at the ground again.

  “Oh CeCe,” I asked feeling her pain resonate in my heart. “He took advantage of you—he shouldn’t have done that—and any decent man knows that. What happened next?”

  “I don’t remember anything else. I don’t remember how I got back to the sorority house. One of my sisters told me, the next morning, that she found me lying on a bed upstairs with half of my clothes off. She managed to get me dressed and found someone to help give us a ride home. I was so ashamed that I didn’t tell you about it—that’s why I avoided calling you the day I got home from school.”

  “I’m far from perfect CeCe. You know that. I’ve made plenty of mistakes—but that creep took advantage of you. A decent man doesn’t do that. Did you tell the police about it?”

  “I was so drunk that night, it was my fault too.” CeCe stammered.

  “It doesn’t matter how drunk you were—it doesn’t give anyone the right to take advantage of you. He was wrong to do what he did and he knows it. Did you talk to him after that?” I felt so much anger towards this coward for what he did to my best friend.

  “For about three minutes. I went back to the Frat house after I found out I was pregnant. I went to tell him to see what he thought.”

  “And?”

  “When I opened his bedroom door unexpectedly—he was making out with some girl in his bed before he started yelling at me. I threw the door open and went over to the bed and grabbed the girl by her hair and started to pull her out of his bed.”

  “You did what?” I started to laugh, from nervous energy, but controlled myself.

  “I pulled the girl out of the bed and told her he was my boyfriend. He started yelling I was crazy and she started yelling at him before she stormed out of the room. I was so angry at myself for letting him sleep with me. In the daylight without the alcohol I could tell that he was use to jumping from girl-to-girl.”

  “Did you tell him?”

  “Yeah, I told him I was pregnant with his baby. He said he wasn’t going to be anyone’s dad and told me that I needed to get an abortion. He threw $300 at me and told me to get out of his bedroom and never come back.”

  “Oh my gosh, CeCe; what a creep!”

  “I was humiliated. I didn’t expect a proposal but I also didn’t anticipate him treating me like a hooker. I was crushed and so conflicted. I’ve never believed in abortion. I still feel it’s not right but I was alone and scared. I knew I couldn’t tell my parents. I didn’t think I could tell you or anyone else. I was afraid of what would happen if people found out I was pregnant—I was afraid of my parents disowning me. I knew it was the wrong decision but I went anyway hoping to make this whole nightmare go away.”

  “I’m sorry that you didn’t feel you could tell me.”

  “I wish I would have. I was afraid to tell you because I knew you’d persuade me to have the baby—which I really wanted but I was afraid of what my parents would think or do.” She said, looking over at Lucy sleeping soundly.

  “Did it make your problem go away?”

  “It ended the pregnancy which I thought would help me put that part of my life behind. When I went to the clinic, I felt sick and wanted to turn back but I was frozen in fear. I cried the whole time knowing I was making the biggest mistake of my life. Afterwards, I was just numb. The only emotion I felt was sadness. The abortion hid my little secret but it left a black hole in my life. I couldn’t bear to watch Lucy and wonder about my child. I don’t expect you to understand and I’m not looking for your sympathy. I just don’t want to feel this way anymore and I really need a friend.”

  “Ugh. This whole time I’ve been mad at you. I felt abandoned all over again when you didn’t return my calls or respond to my letters.” I said with my head between my arms resting over my lap.

  “I just couldn’t face you. I would’ve stayed away longer if I hadn’t heard your voicemail this morning about Lucy. I love you and I love Lucy so much that I couldn’t stay away despite everything else. I know you needed me—I just wasn’t ready to tell you yet. I didn’t want to disappoint you like I disappoint my parents. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you or Lucy. I’ve already lost too much and I can’t afford to lose either of you.”

  “I love you CeCe and I will always love you no matter what happens. I’ve missed you so much and I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry that you were right—I can be judgmental and I’m very sorry. I hate that this happened—all of it and that you didn’t have a friend to be there for you.” I said, wrapping my arms around CeCe.

  “I really need you Char. I don’t know how to get through this. It’s eating me up inside.” CeCe cried as she squeezed me tightly.

  “You will make it through sweetie. We’ll make it through together.”

  “Please don’t tell anyone. I don’t want anyone to know.”

  “I won’t, I promise.”

  I held CeCe for the next hour until we both stopped crying. She and I moved the recliner over by Lucy’s bed and curled up together, waiting for her to wake up. My heart broke for CeCe that night. I didn’t agree with her decision but I could feel the pain that she carried with her. She had changed from the confident, not-a-care-in-the-world CeCe to a frightened, broken, and lost young woman. Scared to move forward and stuck in her torment, there was little left than just a shell of the life that once was there. As painful as it was for her and I, I was silently happy to be in the arms of her embrace of my best friend again. I prayed for healing over her heart and life and that she’d be able to find true peace and happiness again.

  “Do you think things will ever be like they were?” CeCe asked softly.

  “No, but I think things can get better than they are now.” I said with my head leaning against hers.

  “I hope so. I can’t live this way but I know that I don’t deserve happiness.” She said quietly in the dark room.

  “CeCe—you made a mistake and I can’t even assume to know what it’s like to be in your skin right now. I do remember feeling like things would never get better when everyone found out about my pregnancy. I remember worrying that I would end up a loser or that people thought I was a slut, especially when there was no guy standing by to help with Lucy. I also remember thinking that I wasn’t going to have any kind of a good future. But you know what—Father John told me something very profound. He told me that just because we make a mistake—doesn’t make us a mistake. God didn’t screw up when he made you. He even knew we’d make mistakes yet he’ll always love us and forgive us. I know it’s hard to imagine but CeCe, he can turn your hurt into something that could help someone else one day. There is nothing you can do that would ever stop God from loving you Ce.” I said, starting to cry again. “And of course, I’ll always love you.”

  “I don’t know. I don’t think I can f
orgive myself. I just don’t know. I would do anything to turn back time.” CeCe sobbed softly.

  “I know CeCe. If you want, when you’re ready, I’ll go to confessional with you. It helped me to know that God still loved me when I felt like I screwed up everything.”

  “I would like that when I’m ready.”

  A small cry rose up from the crib.

  “Lucy? Honey, it’s mommy, I’m right here love.” I leaned over into the crib as Lucy started panicking with the tube down her throat.

  “Lucy.” CeCe whispered.

  “Can you go get a nurse please? I don’t want her to pull out her tubing. She needs it to breath.” I asked quickly.

  “Sure, I’ll be right back.” CeCe took off towards the nurse’s station.

  Two hours later the doctor ordered that Lucy could have the tube removed. She was breathing on her own. Her blood oxygen level was ninety-eight percent, a huge improvement. I called my mother around six AM to tell her the good news. CeCe stayed the rest of the time with me and Lucy in the hospital room until she was discharged home, with medications and a nebulizer. The color had completely returned to her face and she was able to start on a liquid diet. The doctor warned that her throat would be sore, from the tube, for a few days. He said that chocolate milkshakes would be okay for her until the soreness went away and Lucy seemed to agree. CeCe watched from the sidelines, helping with whatever I asked of her to get Lucy back home again.

  As we left the hospital to go home, CeCe turned towards me.

  “Were you serious about going with me to confessional?” She asked.

  “Of course I was—whatever you need.”

  “Would you go with me tomorrow morning?”

  “Absolutely,” I said grabbing her hand and squeezing it.

  “Thank you,” she whispered, “for not hating me.”

  “I could never hate you. I’ll always love you CeCe. You’re the sister I never had.” I smiled back.

  “Good, because I couldn’t live without you.”