A Dreamer's Today

by E. L. R. Jones

  I cried so much the day of my wedding. I wished both of them could be there with me. We honored them with the music and a presentation of portraits and their works at the reception. It was Joshua’s idea. We went on our honeymoon to Jamaica and then the Bahamas for two weeks after, but we first had to pack up the house.

  Joshua’s parents found us a nice house not far from the college where I would be teaching. We knew we couldn’t take on the responsibility of the house after my mom passed. It cost quite a bit to take care of her arrangements and I was fresh off another degree and Joshua was just starting off the marketing firm. It would’ve been too much of an undertaking. So, I made sure before the wedding that I had everything that I wanted moved out of the house. I knew that the longer that I put it off, the harder it would be.

  Those months were the most excruciating months ever. So much lost and so much gained all at the same time. I didn’t think that it would be possible to even enjoy our honeymoon. It was nice, but a great part of me felt like it was missing. Joshua tried his best to keep me preoccupied. We visited so many places and things. I just kept finding myself lying awake at night wondering if the new family who was moving into my old home would enjoy it or take care of it? I wondered how different things may have been if my father hadn’t died so young? I wondered what it would’ve been like to have them at the wedding and then the tears would come remembering all that had transpired in that home. I don’t know how Joshua dealt with it all or handled anything. I just knew every morning there was a new “assignment” and new item on the agenda.

  I was not ready to return because I knew I was returning to this new place, this new life. A life where my mother was not there. I was not going to my home. I was going to a new place for a new stage of my life and I was scared out of my mind. I didn’t know how to be this woman: a wife, an educator. I was now responsible for taking care of everything within the household. How was I supposed to handle being a mother when the time came? I didn’t have my mother to get advice from anymore. The tears came again.

  We landed and picked up our luggage. A car was waiting for us outside the airport. I looked to Joshua and he said that he had a surprise for me. He blindfolded me and sat me in the car. He talked to me the entire ride about this new adventure and journey we were getting ready to embark on. He spoke about the many blessings that we have had and how fortunate we were to have each other. He spoke about the great friends we have and the family that has always been there for us. I started to tear up just listening to him and the excitement in his voice. He said how sorry he was that we had lost so much so soon in our relationship, but all of those things and people would always be there to make us better and guide us to be stronger. How could you not love this man, I thought? The car stopped and I heard him get out and come around the car. He held my hand and guided me up a long walk. He led me up the stairs and a smell hit me: a very familiar smell. He quickly led me to the door and I heard the lock click and voices. He undid the blindfold and a thunderous boom of voices yelled “Welcome Home.”

  As I looked around, the shock on my face must have given my true feelings away. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. I grabbed for Joshua who was there to steady me. I let the tears fall from my eyes. My new mother in law approached me first and hugged me. She whispered that they couldn’t allow something that held such a special place in my heart and embodied the work that I created slip away. I turned to Joshua whose face was now full of tears and he said that his parents bought the house from the other family, so that we could raise ours in it. He handed me a box and inside was a locket. On one side was a picture of my mother and father when they were first married and on the other was a picture of Joshua and myself.

  As I sit here with my little ones, Angelica and Lyric, I cannot wait to begin to share the memories that have been placed beneath my window seat. I settle into a comfy chair as Angelica settles in at the base of the chair with her bronze toned curls falling in her face and we adjust Lyric, whose eager brown eyes and mocha colored little hands reach forward in my lap where the scrapbooks and photo albums that have been pulled from their special hiding place rest. The lid to the storage cubby that has held all of the trinkets and treasures stored all these years waiting to be shared with these and the others that may come after them, rests against the window. The wood underlining is worn, but the heart and loving words that were etched in it still remains. “Beneath the window seat lies the knowledge and history of the love of family.” My father and mother had that etched in and now that they are both no longer with us sharing the memories that they placed within make them all the more precious.

  The Intimacy Friend

  March 2008

  The phone rang with its ringtone designed just for him.

  “Hello, Mr. Harper,” I said with mild enthusiasm.

  “Wassup, Ms. Smalls” he said with such sexual tension in his voice that I knew where the conversation was going before it had officially begun.

  “You, Mr. Harper. I take it you are if I’m getting a call.”

  “I was just thinking about you and realized it had been a minute since we last spoke.” His very masculine and baritone voice came through the receiver and sent shivers down my backside.

  “Not for my lack of trying. After a while you just give up on a lost cause, T.” My voice was full of disgust and sarcasm. I didn’t realize how tired I was of this repetitive dance we had going.

  “Well a brotha gets busy and is tired from working all of this overtime.” He stated this as if this was his offering and I should be more understanding.

  “Nice to know, but I don’t get to reap any rewards from the fruits of that labor. Now do I? You know what, don’t answer that. Wassup, Thomas?” I already knew but I figured I should just play along. The last time we saw each other was about 2 weeks ago, so this call was right on time. I was getting kind of antsy myself. I might as well reap some type of reward from it all.

  “So whatcha up to today?” He obviously wanted something, so why was it always this cat and mouse game with him?

  “Oh, I don’t know. I know that my mom wants me to hang out with her. My sis wants us to have dinner together, but afterwards I think that I am just going to head back to my place, take a bath, and go to bed.” I figured I may be up for one more round in the game. I wasn’t doing anything special tonight anyway.

  “Well, why don’t you call me when you get back home? Maybe we can hang out and watch a movie or something,”he sounded excited just speaking about the possible plans.

  “How about you give me your address and I just come over there after I am done hanging out with the fam?” I really just wanted to find out what his response would be. I didn’t think that he would actually give it to me.

  “Well, what’s wrong with me coming over to your spot?” He sounded a little taken aback by the fact that I would even suggest his place. I had to laugh to myself about this. I still pressed the issue.

  “Nothing is wrong with it. I just wanted to have a change of scenery and I’ve never even seen your place. What are you scared that I am gonna start stalkin’ you if I know where you lay your head? I thought we were friends. Friends share those types of things with one another,” I tried my best not to bust out laughing at this statement.

  “Well, I haven’t ever had anyone come to my house. I usually don’t even go to a female’s house.” He tried to sound sincere. I think he was trying more to convince himself than he was me.

  “Thomas, look, I just cleaned my carpet and I will be out anyway. So, it will be easier for me to come to you than you to come to me anyway.”

  He finally conceded. “Okay, okay, my address is 11-4-5-6 Houston Boulevard in Oak Park. What time should I expect you?”

  “Wow, suburb of Detroit, all right. I’ll call when I’m on my way. You betta answer,” I said giggling to myself.

  “Oh, I will,” He said in his sexiest voice. “I definitely will.”

  He sounded as if he were the wolf licking his c
hops talking to Little Red Riding Hood. It gave me goosebumps just to think about it.

  “Bye Thomas,” I said laughing at the image. I hung up before he could say anything else.

  The questions always come after the conversation ends. How in the world did I allow this to be my life? Why is it that I have accepted this as being the status quo? Is this “relationship” the best that I can do? Do I really think that I am unworthy of having better than this?

  I look in the mirror at myself. Completely naked I stand and find that I am completely unhappy with what was looking back at me. I weigh in at 280 and on my 5’5 frame, that’s a lot. I carry it all in my thighs, stomach, arms, and I would say my ass, but that has always been there. Even if I lose the weight that I so desire to, that is definitely not going anywhere. I look at the girls and their D-cup size kind of just rest there. I used to do the pencil test. Oh you know the test. The test where you place the pencil under one and see if it will remain there. Well, let’s just say, I could hold a couple under mine. My greatest assets, I would have to say are my eyes and my hair. I have just below the shoulder length hair. This month’s color is reddish brown. I change it so often that I really don’t recall what it looks like to have my own hair color from root to tip. My eyes are dark brown and truly are the windows to my soul. I have been told and know for a fact that I exude whatever I am feeling through these windows. I wear my heart on my sleeve. My caramel complexion is something I take pride in. My skin has honey tones in it that I truly enjoy keeping it just so, year round.

  Thomas Harper. Hmmm, that man drives me into a frenzy, insane, and bakes my cookies all at the same time. We met through a mutual acquaintance at work. He works with a company that provides a service for the company that I work for. From the first time that I saw him, I knew that there was something special about him. I didn’t have the guts to go to him and ask him for a pen less more his number. So a co-worker asked if he was interested for me. We instantly hit it off. We enjoyed talking on the phone and some of the same things. When it came to our families, we played the same roles. There were a few obstacles in our way though. Most of them roadblocks and barriers he put up.

  Don’t get me wrong Jeannette is a great girl. She is beautiful and funny. She has this sexy ass walk and these eyes…oh the eyes! Man! Her eyes melt every fiber of your being and make you want to take on the world for her. The first time I saw her, actually I heard about her before I saw her, I was hooked. Yeah, she was kinda on the thicker side of the spectrum, but I have always liked my females with meat on their bones. I saw her and wanted to know more about her instantly. I told her that I would call her. I couldn’t wait to talk to her, so I called her that evening. The convo was good. She made me laugh and was giggling nonstop, herself.

  We got a chance to get together a couple weeks afterwards and she reeled me in. She had me goin' from the moment I walked in the door. I had to admit that I had been wanting to see how our connection would be from the first time she walked away and knew that I was watching her do so. She never looked back, but I knew she knew I was watching just by the way those hips moved. Her ass was tight as hell. You could serve breakfast, lunch, and dinner on that booty. And those legs, strong enough to crack a coconut.

  I felt myself getting closer to her. Too close for comfort, if you know what I mean. I really didn’t want to get into anything. I’d had plenty of relationships that didn’t work out and wanted to be cautious. Something about her kept me coming back for more though. It could be the fact that she kept calling and reminding me of her presence. She would wait a couple days and then call me on a whim. It didn’t matter if I returned her calls or not. No matter how many times I told her that I would call her back and never did, she would still call me. “Just checkin’ on you.” “How are things?” I couldn’t help myself. I would have to call her back. I couldn’t just not call her back. Even if I called her back two to three days later, it was as if no time had passed. She called me on it once. I told her that I did call her back and she countered with maybe 2 or 3 times out of the 10.

  I could tell that she wanted more. I knew that she deserved more, but I couldn’t tell her flat out that I didn’t want us to move forward any time soon. I was straight with us being friends with benefits and nothing more. Don’t judge me. I eventually do want to be in a relationship and want to have the family. You know, have the lady in the house and knowing that I would have a regularly cooked meal and someone to take care of the things at home. I could see it being with her, but I don’t want to rush things. I know that she wants to know what we are doing and if we are going to be more than what we are. I just have too much going on right now to have that be my focus. This stuff that is going on with my family right now has to be my focus. So, if I need to feel some goodness or have a stress reliever for a couple hours, I know I can call her and she will be there to make it all go away. Even if it is for a couple hours, every so often.

  Does she deserve that? No, but I don’t want to completely let her go because it feels so good to know that she is there. Will things ever change? Probably not, why mess up a good thing if you don’t have to. Although I don’t know what she is thinking with this wanting to come over to my crib thing. We have always met up at her spot. Whatever, man! All I know is, I get my fix today. Tonight to be more precise.

  A part of me wants to just leave this whole situation alone. I would rather not invest myself into someone that I really don’t know whether or not he is willing to invest in us having a future. I really don’t like dealing with scary brothas, not that I can talk because I didn’t even have the nerve to ask the man out in the first place. A part of me says that I should just be happy with what I have and stop complaining because before him it wasn’t like I had them beating down my door. It has been a great while since I even had a relationship. I guess since I am staring down the door of my mid thirties and standing closer to the big 4-0, I feel like my time is running out.

  I really hate to be one of those females who hears the clock ticking and allows that to depict how they make their decisions. Sadly though, I am. I have been wanting a husband and kids for so long that I have lost count of the years. My desire got the best of me a while ago. I guess it was a couple years ago when I went to the clinic to find out how much it would cost me to be artificially inseminated. I looked at the cost and actually began doing the testing, but circumstances changed and I had to put it off. I am really thinking about it again though.

  Lord knows that it wasn’t for lack of trying. Yeah, for a while I tried to get pregnant with some of the guys that only wanted the sex and nothing more. I allowed them to enter me uncovered and to completely release in hopes that I would become pregnant. Much to my chagrin, nothing came of it. My friends think that I am a little off. They think that I have enough going on in my world, but they are either in relationships or married and have a kid (s) or them on the way. I really don’t think they can relate. I can’t even bring myself to going to a wedding or baby shower because it reminds me that I am going home alone and I don’t have those things at all. Here I have this beautiful male specimen and I can’t get him to acknowledge a feeling or inkling of a feeling for me. His acknowledgement comes when he wants to hit the nether regions. The expectation is that the gateways should always part and he should have the master and only key.

  Thomas is a great dad to his son. He would make even more wonderful looking children with his genes. He stands 6’3. His frame is that of an athlete. You can tell that he was active in some form of sport at one time or another. His chocolate brown complexion is one even tone. He wears a bald head, but the brotha can wear a hat and wear it well. His smile can melt your panties off. It is stellar. The dimples make it even more picture perfect. He exudes poise and confidence. You just know he has his junk together.

  As I say my good nights to my family at around 10pm, I think back on that first night of us getting together. It felt good to have him near me and know that the sight of me completely naked didn’t re
pulse him, but turned him on even more. I enjoyed the touches, the kisses, the strokes, but then he had to leave. I thought nothing of it that time, but as time progressed it happened more often. I wondered what his problem was. I even questioned him one time on it. His response was that I knew before he got there that he wasn’t going to be able to stay. I planned on returning the favor. He probably wouldn’t care one way or the other. He will probably be happy that he doesn’t have to drive himself home this time.

  Man! Where is she? It’s almost 11 and she still hasn’t shown up. She doesn’t live that far from me. Dang, I might have to call someone else because I really don’t want to have to take care of this myself. I have gotten myself all worked up knowing that she was on her way, but that was about 45 minutes ago. See this is why I go to them and call it a day. I don’t have to wait around for someone. It is them waiting on me. Not that there are a whole lot of them. I have slowed down quite a bit. I have had my fair share of game, but I don’t have time to be doing all of that chasing. It was getting costly anyway.

  Come to think of it, J has been the only them that I have been with over the past couple months. How did that happen? We have been pretty good about taking care of each other. She never calls me about “hanging out.” When she calls, she actually wants to hang out: movies, basketball games, etc. That is too much like dating for me. I usually don’t call her back or call her back when it is definitely too late for us to do anything but “get together.” You can tell she is disgusted, but she gets over it once I am there. We have always been cautious about keeping my in between covered when we are together. She wouldn’t let me get her too excited until she knew that we had some form of protection.

  I know that she wants to have kids, but I was surprised when my son came along and the other one was too hard to get over. I really don’t want to have to get over any more. She would make some beautiful babies as pretty as she is. Is that a car door? Man, took her ass long enough!! I didn’t think she would ever get here. I was going to be pissed if I didn’t get taken care of tonight.