A Dreamer's Today

by E. L. R. Jones

  They went and had the test done. We (the parents) paid for the testing to be done during pregnancy. Neither one of them had lied about the paternity of their growing children. Susan’s parents decided that she was too young to have a child and convinced the kids to give their child up for adoption. Susan gave birth to Kendrell Jr. at the hospital. During the time frame of birth and morning, Susan disappeared with the baby. No one knew how to get in touch with her and after a while people started to believe the worst had happened.

  Monica was the latest girl to assist me in finding myself dumbstruck and in a momentary stupor. Monica was my husband’s one night stand, momentary lapse in judgment, sowing of his wild oats, or wanting to dip his stick into someone else’s fun dip. It wasn’t his infidelity that was the shocker. Although like my son, he seemed to somewhat enjoy the fact of having me walk in on him and her and some other girl and his boss. No, they weren’t all together or with each other, but they were in the same room for a “board meeting” that was supposed to be taking place. I believe they forgot that I was supposed to be catering the event. So no one thought twice about allowing me entrance into the “meeting of the minds” that was to anyone else inaccessible. As I walked through the door with a tray in one hand and the key to the door in the other, I found myself doing a balancing act trying not to drop the tray and take hold of my emotions all at once.

  Joshua’s boss was on one end of the table in a 69 position completely buck-naked and so was his partner. While Joshua and Monica were in throwing distance with Monica bent over him giving him head and him fingering her to the point of both of them moaning in stereo. I realized that not only was it their moans, but that of the other party at the end of the table. I sat the tray down, pulled out a chair, and took a seat. I waited for the moment when my husband realized that he was caught and sure enough as the day is long, it came just as he did. He looked at me dead in the face and practically knocked Monica to the floor in trying to get up and collect himself. All I heard was Andrea wait as I walked out the door, got into my car, and drove to a hotel. I stayed there for almost a week at his expense. He tried calling my cell and paging me, but it went unanswered. When I returned to the office on Monday, my assistant told me that I had numerous calls and messages from Joshua. I told her to throw them all away and delete any emails and voicemails from him as well. I instructed her that if he calls then tell him I am unavailable because I am either taking orders or meeting with a potential client.

  As I walked in my office and closed the door to what I now understand was Amanda trying to warn me that he was in my office waiting for me, I sunk in a chair near the door. He repeated my instructions to Amanda and I wished that I had an escape hatch somewhere in my office. We discussed nothing that day because I refused to let him talk. I heard him speaking but nothing was penetrating. After an hour of no response from me, he tried to get me by getting me to have sex with him. He tried diligently, but he finally gave up and left. With my son at Joshua’s parent’s house, I had no reason to be in that house.

  Everything from the moment of my return to the home I once shared with my husband to recent moments has been a blur. I moved out and into my own apartment. It worked out because it was closer to my office. I found out that I had HIV, lost my son and my mother in the same day, and could possibly lose the baby I was carrying.

  I find that my husband doesn’t act as if he wants the baby. He says that it is too hard to think about bringing a child into this chaos we have come to know as life. He doesn’t think it right to try and raise a child that could possibly have the same disease that we both now have to live with. I tell him we have to because of his stupid ass mistake. He feels as if I am trying to replace the child we lost with this one. I come within striking distance and attempt to unleash the wrath that has built up over these past few months, but it is an ill attempt thwarted by the man whose strength I used to admire and now I admonish. I tell him that in no way would I try and replace one child with another. We had seventeen years with Kendrell and no child that I bring into this world will ever replace him or fill the void I feel having lost him. He shakes his head and walks away from me as if I am some crazed lunatic. I sit and try to recap what is my life.

  To lose my mother and my son on the same day and in the same way crushed my very being, but I couldn’t let that seep into my womb and snatch away everything that I had left. I recall the story as it was told to me. My mother was taking Kendrell to the store to purchase some things for his baby, Janine. A driver in a hummer ran the light and smashed into them. Kendrell took the brunt of the impact, but the car flipped and caused my mother to ram into the window. She was instantly killed. Kendrell’s death came a couple hours later. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. I screamed and yelled and argued with and at God. I guess the stress of it all was putting too much on my child because I was admitted into the hospital that same week. I didn’t understand it. What mother could understand why a child is taken from her?

  By the time I gave birth, my present grandchild was 6 months old. Jennifer brought the baby over to see me at my apartment. It is weird seeing her now that Kendrell is gone and not here to help bring the baby and her things in. Upon seeing my face, tears well up in Jennifer’s eyes. She says she’d never noticed how much Kendrell and I looked like each other. She says she didn’t realize that we had the same eyes. I watch as she lays Janine next to her Aunt telling Janine that this is her daddy’s sister and her Auntie Keira. She asks me if Joshua has come by to see me or Keira and I tell her that he saw me at the hospital, but hasn’t come to the house to see her. A part of me believes he is doing this out of fear of becoming attached to her, but then a part of me believes it is just a feeling of being unworthy of being in the presence of my child’s greatness. Having this child be born on the same day as my firstborn was didn’t help the process of healing or the situation either in Joshua’s eyes.

  Keira has been tested and I know that she is free and clear of the disease that Monica so graciously shared with Joshua and he with me. The doorbell rings and I am shocked to see who is on the other side of the door. I open the door to a somber face and a sleeping child. Susan and a 7 month old, Kendrell Jr., are standing before me. I wonder how she has been and how did she find out where I was. She states that she’d stopped by the house and Joshua told her where to find me. She stopped by her parents place first to let them know that she was fine and explain what she felt that day and why she left. She thought they would be angry, but they welcomed her with open arms and tears of joy. I feel a feeling of relief wash over me, but a gnawing in my gut replaces it. In that moment, it hits me that Jennifer and Susan haven’t seen each other since the day they argued on my then porch. As Jennifer returned to the living room area from the back bedroom, I prepare myself for a battle that would put World War II to shame. What actually happens surprises me even more. I hold Kendrell Jr. close and the two girls make their way to each other. They look at each other and fall into one another’s arms and cry. They cry for the love they lost, the father who would miss out on raising his children, their youth gone, and most of all for themselves. They now understood all too clearly what the other is going through. They sit and share the last photos they have of Kendrell. Both having the gift of having one portrait of their child with its father. I find myself crying as well.

  It’s been a year since those defining moments happened. Moments that reshaped the paths that our lives took. The moments that reestablished roles, guided relationships, and carved new friendships. Jennifer and Susan are now best friends and their children see each other daily. They share a house not far from mine. Joshua and I now live together again. We don’t live so much as man and wife, but two friends whom share a common disease and a child. Keira is walking and talking now. She reminds me so much of Kendrell when he was this age. He was very active and curious. He never wanted to sit still. We all go and visit his grave every couple of months. It is till hard to go there, especially when we have his children wit
h us. Each time we go there, the children run to the tombstone and say “Daddy gone” or “Hello Bye Bye Daddy” and it just tears at my heart because they won’t get to know him through him, but through the memories and moments we all have to share.

  So Hard to Say Goodbye

  July 27, 2008

  “So, how is she doing? Have you heard from her?” Isaac questioned, not sure if he really wanted to know the answer. It had been a little over six months since it all happened.

  “Look, man, I really don’t know how to answer the first question. I mean how would you be doing if the shoe were on the other foot? As far as hearing from her, not me personally but she and my sister still keep in touch,” Vincent stated without looking up from his beer.

  The restaurant was crowded on this night. The Middle Eastern atmosphere helped to calm the growing tension at the table. Although the red in the walls seemed to emit heat; heat that Isaac began to feel. Vincent could sense his friend’s uneasiness.

  “Ike, calm down man. It’s all good!” he wished he felt some form of truth with the words as they left his lips.

  “Hey Vince, I don’t know about all this. I don’t think that I should even be here.” Isaac said as his eyes shifted toward the door. He secretly wished that he was on the other side of it and in his car on his way back home.

  “You know if she personally invited you and you aren’t here then you will never hear the end of it. Plus it’s Vivian’s 30th birthday. She wants us here and ready to celebrate. You know how she is.” As Vincent finishes his sentence his sister walks in the door with a group of people.

  “Hey, lil’ brotha. How’s it goin’?” Vivian hugs her brother and begins introductions of the group of friends she has brought with her. She looks over at Isaac and squeals. “I can’t believe you actually came! I am so excited that you’re here! It would not be my birthday without you here!” She turns and begins seating everyone. She grabs the waiter’s arm and puts in an order for a bottle of wine and other drinks.

  Isaac steals a look at his friend. He is desperate to get an answer to his question. “Hey Viv, let me talk to you for a sec.” He says as he pulls her away from the crowd. “Let me know if I am out of line here, but I feel a little weird being here. I think that I should head on out. I don’t want to upset anyone should they arrive. I really don’t know how things are, you know?” he said hoping that she would understand exactly what he was getting at.

  “Oh boy, you know you silly. Everythang is good, all good! You won’t be offending anybody. Anywayz. Just sit back and enjoy yourself!! It’s a party, my party!!” she yells. Her group of friends cheer in response.

  Isaac grows a little annoyed by the fact that she is not seeming to get his drift. “Have you heard from yo’ girl? How is she?” he says pleading with her to put his mind and heart at ease.

  “You mean since you left her at the altar?” says an old familiar voice. Isaac hadn’t realized the group had grown quiet before, but had now.

  “I guess you have your answer.” Vivian says. “Hey girl, wassup? I’m so happy you made it out of that dungeon you are calling your house.” Viv tries to usher her friend to a chair, but she is like stone in cement, she doesn’t budge.

  Isaac looks to Jackie and his heart begins to race. A beauty queen in his eyes, he can’t even bring himself to believe he broke her heart. Her caramel skin tone, full sensual lips, gorgeous brown eyes, the thin nose and perfectly arched eyebrows; flawless. The lightly applied natural looking makeup that adorns her face was just beautiful. Her auburn hair with golden in tone highlights: breathtaking. Her hips, her thighs, and full figured waist that framed her 5’5 body and that nicely rounded derriere that would make a grown man weep: beyond breathtaking. There she stood before him with fire in her eyes in a burnt orange wrap dress that hit every curve just right and made him want to beg for mercy. He took every inch of her in. From the silver dangling star earrings he had purchased for her 28th birthday to the perfectly manicured toes that matched the color in her dress to a tee. She was always a well-dressed, very detailed woman.

  “Hello Jacqueline. How are you?” he asked hoping that she wouldn’t unleash what he knew she had pinned up inside her all this time in front of all of these people. By the look she was giving him that hope was dashed immediately.

  She looked at the man who was now supposed to be her husband. The man whom she was ready to spend the rest of her life with. The man who said that he would always be there for her no matter what. The man who in this very moment sent all of her senses into overdrive just by speaking her name. Standing 6’3, built like a linebacker, bald head, bronze skin color, a cleft in his chin, neatly trimmed goatee, freshly pressed jeans and pale green shirt. A thin gold chain that fell just right on his neck and shoes freshly shined or just purchased. He just bought those because those haven’t been seen before. Everything falling in place perfectly showing off his well-chiseled physique. Oh how her body craved this man.

  “How am I?” she started towards him, voice intonation rising as she approached him. “How am I” her voice grew louder and stronger the closer she drew. “You mean since I stood there in shock at the altar and watched the man that I thought loved me…” She wiped a tear from her eyes and continued mocking his voice, trying to put as much base in it as she could to try and carry off the presentation. “…say, ‘I’m sorry Pastor. I am going to have to object to this marriage.’ Without giving me as much as even a second glance strolls out of the church and out of my life. No phone call. No letter. No explanation. Just gone! That’s it Jackie, no wedding for you. I’m sorry I couldn’t marry you because blah, blah, blah!” As much as she had tried she could not contain the tears and was weeping uncontrollably. “I spent weeks trying to figure out what in the hell I did wrong. I talked to quite a few people who were supposed to be cool with you and tried to find out were there any clues to why you just rolled out. I started thinking that maybe it’s me. Maybe I am not what he wanted. Maybe I am not worth….” She couldn’t speak anymore. All of the feelings of inadequacy and struggles with her weight came pouring back to the surface. All she wanted now was to retreat into a corner and stay there forever. She turns to make her exit, but he catches her hand. She struggles to break his hold, but she knows it is a futile effort. One, she is too weak and two, he is too strong.

  “If you are ready to hear why, I am ready to tell you.” Is all that he can say? He looks to her pleading with her, begging that she will grant him a moment to try and help her understand what was going through his head and heart, then and now.

  She wrenches her hand from his. “It’s too late! It’s a little late for explanations and understandings. It’s too late to try and explain yourself. Even though I am not over the pain of the situation, I am over the situation. Thank you so much for making me feel insignificant. Thank you so much for making me feel as if I didn’t matter. Thank you Isaac Thompson for making me, Jacqueline Montgomery feel unworthy of being loved!” With that last implosion, she turned on her heels and walked out of the restaurant. As she left, she tossed Vivian her birthday present and apologized, but she had to leave. She shot one last look at Isaac and out the door she went. He quickly followed suite. Vincent and Vivian tried to get him to rethink his plan, but he’d made it up in his mind that he wasn’t going to let her get away that easy.

  “Jackie! Jackie! Jackie, please let me explain.”

  “Jackie! Jackie, please stop and talk to me.”

  “What could you possible say to make this situation any better? What do you think that you could come up with to make me understanding to just what you were feeling? Are feeling?”

  “Jackie, you have to hear me out.”

  “I don’t have to hear anything from you. I didn’t have to say yes. I didn’t have to stay with you for four years and wait for you to be ready to spend your life with me or so I thought.”

  “I stood there waiting for you to come down the aisle to me. I waited to see your beautiful face and those sparkling
eyes and felt as if I was inadequate. I wanted to be so much…”

  “You think that you were the only one questioning who you were and what you were bringing to our relationship and marriage? You think that you were the only one rethinking the whole time that we spent together? Instead of you coming to me and discussing what it was that you were feeling, your sorry ass chose to run like a female in heat. I cannot believe that I wasted my time…I can’t believe that I even…screw you, Isaac.”

  “Jackie, baby, I love you and I never…”

  She strutted back towards him and tried with every fiber of her being to knock his head off. She then turned and walked over to her car, got in it, and drove off.

  He stood there recovering from the blow to the head and ego. He didn’t know exactly what he expected. He knew that he took pride in knowing that the woman he loved wasn’t a pushover. He knew that he couldn’t just leave her feeling the way she felt. He knew he had to make it up to her some kind of way. If nothing else, just try and restore her faith in men, even if it didn’t result in him winning her back.

  Phase 1 of his plan was to overload her with gifts and displays of affection. He set up a reoccurring delivery of flowers to her office for the next 3 months. Each bouquet would be a different display. He sent those anonymously. She worked as a Pediatric Doctor. He sent portraits to her home and office with children in them. He had guys he knew go to her office and ask her out on dates. He set up two all expense paid weekend trips for her to get away from everything that happened. He even planned a girl’s night out. He wanted to make up for the 6 months of pain that he’d cause her and then some.