Undamaged

by Charity Parkerson

  “It sits on my chest,” Konstantin said, tearing at her soul as always. “But you don’t want this life. I crave you, Kipley. Every day. Underneath me and moaning my name.” Konstantin drew an unsteady breath. “I’m only content when your juices are coating every inch of my skin. The way your skin tastes as you come against my lips is the most addictive flavor in the world. Press your palm against your mound, Kip, and listen to my voice. Let me pretend for a little while it’s me. I’m sending Josh to you. Let him take care of you, Kipley. I can’t be there with you. Don’t shut him out. I love you, my angel.”

  Kip restarted the message and listened to it from the beginning.

  Turning inside herself, Kip drew a deep breath through her nose, absorbing the moment. Konstantin’s warm grip held her by the nape, keeping her locked in place. As her eyes slowly opened, she took in the vision of Konstantin only inches away. They kept their foreheads pressed together as if the small connection could keep them from ever being separated. This was her husband. A wave of love and longing so deep she thought she might drown washed over her. A set of blue eyes stared back at her. If there was anyone in the world more beautiful than him, she’d never heard the tale.

  “Damn. I love you so much.”

  Her nose stung at Konstantin’s claim. Life was cruel. All they’d ever wanted was to be together. A normal life was always just out of reach.

  “Kip and Kon. Kon and Kip. That’s freaking adorable,” Josh said in a singsong voice, interrupting their moment.

  “Shut it, Josh,” Kon growled without looking away. The way his eyes crinkled in the corners said more than his tone. He wasn’t bothered. “That is pretty freaking cute though.”

  “I see you’re torturing yourself again.”

  The memory disappeared. Kip glanced over her shoulder to find Josh leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest and his feet crossed at the ankles as if he’d been there a while.

  She looked away. “No.” Tucking the phone beneath her, she made room for Josh next to her. “I don’t want to forget. Sometimes he starts to slip away and I hate myself for it.”

  Josh stretched out beside her. On his side, with his arms pillowing his head, Josh stared at her in silence. She always wondered what he saw when he looked at her. It was rare for Josh to let his guard down but when he did, he reminded her so much of Konstantin.

  “Do you remember the time that Canadian guy who played on Kon’s team tried hitting on you? He spoke more French than English and swore you should be his because he could woo you with the words of love.”

  A burble of laughter rose in Kip’s throat. She knew the exact night he described and Josh did an amazing impression of the guy’s way of speaking. She hadn’t understood half of what the man had said but she remembered everything Konstantin said.

  “Kon stood in a chair and professed his undying love for me to everyone within shouting distance.”

  “And their neighbors,” Josh added with a chuckle. “He refused to stop singing your praises, promising to stay there until he withered away of old age.”

  “Or starved to death,” Kip interjected.

  “Whichever came first,” he agreed. “Until you swore you’d never been more thoroughly wooed.”

  She shook her head at the memory. “Damn. He was outrageous.”

  Josh’s foot shifted, slipping between hers as he moved closer until barely an inch separated them. “He was crazy over you. Kon didn’t give a fuck what anyone else thought of him. He just wanted to hear you laugh. I can’t tell you how many times he told me you were the only thing he possessed that couldn’t be replaced.”

  Kip swallowed, trying to hold her every emotion on the inside. Josh wasn’t finished.

  “He wouldn’t like knowing you’re sad.”

  “I know.”

  “You have to find a way to be happy.”

  “I know.” She could hear herself but those two words were all she had. Konstantin would’ve hated knowing she hurt and part of her couldn’t let him go. That was the real reason she’d never said the words to Cameron. If she did, Konstantin would really be gone.

  “What’s it going to take, Kip? Do I need to smash shit until you promise you’ll heal? Tell me how I can fix this?”

  “You can’t. It has to be me.”

  “I’m sorry if I fucked things up with Cameron. You should’ve let him shoot me.”

  A wry smile twisted Kip’s lips. “There’s no way in hell I’d let anyone hurt you and it’s not your fault he’s more observant than most. You’ve shadowed me for years with no one spotting you. When I let you watch over me, that is.”

  The smile exploding across Josh’s face eased some of the tightness in her chest. Loss hadn’t killed her yet. There wasn’t much hope it would this time either.

  Chapter Six

  Kip jabbed the straw into the tiny hole at the top of the juice box with way more force than necessary. Unfortunately, her fit ended with her shirt covered in a stream of sticky, apple-flavored sugar water. She was restless and agitated. Three days had passed since Cameron walked away. In all the time she’d known him, they’d never gone that long without speaking. There’d been a few times over the past three days when she’d almost caved and texted him. His final words still rang in her ears and they stopped her every time. He was done with her and Kip would have to accept it.

  Jade stood with her hands braced on the edge of the entertainment center and Kip had given up trying to move her away from the TV. If she ended up needing glasses, Kip would be sure to remind her of this exhausting moment. Kip’s skin crawled with the need to do something. Anything. The inside of her head felt like spring fever. Something had been set free from hibernation, driving her to act. Jade giggled, refusing to accept the drink Kip offered.

  “Horsey. I pet horsey,” Jade babbled as she tried climbing the entertainment center.

  Kip glanced at the TV. A horse, the same color as Butter, filled the screen and Jade was determined to get her. Lifting Jade into her arms, Kip stared into space as Jade attempted to pet the horse through the screen. There would be sticky fingerprints all over it after she got through but no one in their home cared.

  Something shifted in Kip’s chest. A veil lifted away. Her gaze moved to Jade. Konstantin’s soft blond curls and gorgeous blue eyes stared back at her. His daughter possessed the same sense of devilry. She was a mini version of him in almost every way. They needed no one else. An image of Cameron floated through her mind. Kip pushed it away as a wave of longing and love overcame her, closely followed by regret. She wasn’t a bad person. Neither was Konstantin. He’d had no more control over the family he’d been born into than anyone else on the planet and together they’d created a beautiful daughter. Jade’s laughter should’ve filled their home. Their daughter should’ve had the chance to know the man who gave her life and loved her even though they’d never meet. Jade should be free to know his name.

  Kip set Jade on the floor, ensuring she was content with her juice box before heading for her room. She didn’t hesitate or stop to think it through. It was time. With a tug, she slid the mattress down, exposing the box springs underneath. Running her fingers along the edge, she found the long metal piece that shouldn’t have been there. When she pulled on it, a section popped away, revealing the hidden compartment inside and the black bag she’d kept hidden. For a moment, she stared down at it, unable to bring herself to touch it. When she finally reached for it, her hands shook. It was time, she reminded herself. Konstantin always meant for her to use it. Once it was in her hands, her resolve set in. She was doing the right thing.

  Her phone came next. It was the hardest. The desire to listen to Konstantin’s voice one more time before leaving it behind was almost crippling. In the end, she knew there wasn’t time. She’d do this now or she’d lose her nerve. With the notebook app open, she typed a quick note to Josh, letting him know where she was headed before scrambling the phone. He was the only person who knew the code. She se
t it on the nightstand, her fingers hovering over the device. Once she walked away, she’d never hear Konstantin’s voice again. He was gone. Swallowing past the lump in her throat, Kip took a step back. It was time.

  “Jade, let’s find your shoes, baby.”

  * * * * *

  It took three weeks for Cameron to accept the truth. He couldn’t live without Kip. No matter how he plotted, he couldn’t settle on how to apologize. Shit. He couldn’t take back the things he’d said. The problem wasn’t her or the secrets she’d kept. It was him. Cameron had searched his soul and didn’t like what he’d seen. A part of him had enjoyed painting Josh as the villain. If he could save Kip, then there’d be an explanation as to why she wanted him. Without that she was with him because she wanted to be, and that made no sense. Even he didn’t like being with him. Three weeks without her brought an unexpected realization—it didn’t fucking matter why she wanted him. For some cosmic, unforeseen reason, she’d chosen him. Instead of searching for holes in her logic he should’ve held on for dear life.

  Unfortunately this newfound understanding came with another ugly truth. He didn’t know how to win her back. Apologizing wouldn’t be enough. Cameron couldn’t claim he wasn’t upset she’d kept things from him but in the grand scheme of things it mattered not at all. It was also true he might not ever see Konstantin Danshov in the light she and Terry did, but Terry was right. The man was dead. No matter how Cameron chased things around in his head his thoughts always came back to one place—he needed help if he was going to make this right.

  The inside of Grid Iron was like most high-dollar fitness centers—built to keep non-members at bay. A front desk and glass double doors separated the front entry from the gym. He didn’t have a membership but that hadn’t stopped him in the past. Luckily Ryan’s sister, Kerry, was the one keeping everyone in line. Cameron could only hope his black disposition didn’t show through and keep him out. She was the type to do as she pleased. If it didn’t please her to let him in, he wouldn’t be going.

  The place was open twenty-four hours and it didn’t occur to Cameron she might not be there until his fingers closed around the handle of Grid Iron’s front door. The sudden wave of panic overcoming him didn’t pass until he set eyes on the curvy brunette behind the desk. Thank God. Pasting on a fake smile, Cameron prayed he could do this. Kerry waved at him as he cleared the threshold.

  “Who’s this cutie?” Cameron asked, leaning over the top of her desk to check out the fat and obviously newly born baby sleeping on Kerry’s chest. A cap covered his head, hiding all but his chubby cheeks and half-open mouth from sight.

  “Oh wow. I forgot you haven’t met my awesome nephew. This is Dante. He’s the coolest.”

  Kerry’s excitement was catching. In spite of his nervousness and shit mood, he couldn’t help but smile.

  “He’s adorable. Knox and Mandy’s?” She’d said nephew and Cameron knew Ryan didn’t have kids. It was an educated guess.

  “Nah. Knox and Mandy are a lot like Dane and me. They’re pretty happy with their empty nest. This little dude belongs to Rhys and Asher. They hired a surrogate a while back. Only the family knew because they were nervous it would fall through or something would go wrong, but everything went great. Rhys is back there somewhere, sparring with Knox today, and I get to hang out with my favorite nephew.”

  “Isn’t he your only nephew?”

  Kerry shot him an irritated look and tried covering Dante’s ears. “Hush. He’s still my favorite. What bring you by today anyhow?”

  “I had some time to kill and was hoping to catch Ryan and Max between classes.”

  She glanced at the clock over his shoulder. “You’re right on time then. They’ve got about twenty minutes until their next batch of students roll in. Do you remember where to go?”

  “Turn right and head for the back.”

  Kerry smiled as if he’d passed a test. “You got it. If they’re not in the classroom yet, they will be within the next few minutes so you shouldn’t miss them.”

  He tried hiding his relief as he headed for the door. “Thanks, Kerry.”

  “Think nothing of it. I’d do a lot of things for a sexy man with handcuffs.”

  Only the fact that his back was turned saved him from showing his shock. He blinked, shaking his head. The wicked chuckle following him through the door and into the club cleared things up. He had indeed heard her right.

  Cameron nodded at a few familiar faces along the way. Thankfully he spotted Ryan and Max warming up inside the classroom before he reached the door. Cameron had little time and didn’t know where to start. As it turned out he didn’t need to know.

  “Things get too real for you?” Ryan asked with a smirk the second Cameron’s ass hit the chair.

  “I take it you’ve seen Kip.”

  Max and Ryan nodded. Ryan’s smirk never faltered. Cameron got the feeling the man was pissed. That didn’t stop Cameron from wanting to wipe the knowing smile from Ryan’s face. Cameron should’ve known better than to come here. How could he expect them to understand? He started to move to his feet. Max’s hand landed on Cameron’s shoulder, pushing him back down. He could’ve resisted but Ryan’s expression turned serious, holding Cameron enthralled. Max was usually the somber one. Cameron wanted to hear their thoughts. Max was the first to break.

  “Do you think anyone could touch our love?” he asked, motioning between himself and Ryan. “This is the real fucking deal.”

  “I know it is,” Cameron said, meaning it. He did know. If anyone loved each other from the soul, it was Max and Ryan.

  “You could’ve fucking fooled me. You’re acting like we’re nothing more than a pair of man-whores who’ll screw around with anyone for shits and giggles—as if Ryan could ever be replaced.”

  Confusion crowded Cameron’s brain. “What the fuck are you talking about? I didn’t say any of that.”

  “But Ryan kissed Kip.”

  Cameron made a helpless gesture, incapable of grasping Max’s point or this entire conversation for that matter. “So?”

  Max growled. “So he doesn’t intend to leave me for her. It was physical.”

  “I’m aware,” Cameron said slowly, wondering if he’d suffered some sort of psychotic break with reality.

  “Then I’m having a hard fucking time understanding why you can’t understand there was a physical relationship between Kip and Josh that isn’t relative any longer.”

  Oh. Of course they wouldn’t know the truth.

  “Instead of letting that shit go and realizing he’s the dumb fuck who gave up a life with her, you’re treating Kip as if she should be the saint you’ve painted her to be in your mind. Dude. That’s not fair. Last we saw, you were enjoying kinky Kip just fine.”

  “I don’t want her to be a saint.” Really. He didn’t know what else to say. Their lecture was no longer relevant but it was enlightening.

  Max ran his hands through his hair. “Then what in the hell are you doing? I know you love her.”

  “I do.”

  “Then how could you let her get away? Trust me on this,” Max begged. “You don’t want to get so caught up in a box you didn’t label that you lose everything that matters. The only voice in your head that matters is yours and right now, your voice is the town idiot. Kip fucking loved you.”

  Even though Max had no freaking idea what was going on he still made sense. Cameron had labeled himself unworthy and given up on a normal life. None of it mattered. Kip had loved him and he didn’t give a shit if life was ordinary as long as she was in it. “Well, fuck.” He should’ve just apologized instead trying to come up with some elaborate scheme to win her back. A wry smile twisted Cameron’s lips. He always overthought things. “I appreciate the pep talk. I guess I’d better head out before Kip shows up for her lesson.” Cameron would beg for her forgiveness but not here.

  “Um.” Max and Ryan exchanged glances. “When was the last time you talked to Kip?”

  The muscles in Cameron�
�s stomach tightened at Ryan’s tone. There was something going on. “It’s been a while. Why?”

  Another look passed between the men.

  “Kip isn’t coming in today,” Max answered.

  “Or any day,” Ryan added. “She dropped our class.”

  Cameron’s brow drew tight. “But she loves your class.” He didn’t like to look too closely at why. He imagined it was for the same reason all women loved their class. “Why would she drop out?”

  Max shook his head. “I thought you knew. When you walked in here looking all brokenhearted, I thought that’s what you were here about.”

  “I came here to ask a favor but changed my mind.” Cameron swiped his hands over his face. “Seriously? What the fuck is going on?”

  “Kip’s gone. She said it was time for her and Jade to make a fresh start.”

  The room darkened at the corners of his vision. “What?” His voice sounded hollow even to his ears.

  Max and Ryan both nodded but it was Max who spoke up.

  “Brian and Terry were brokenhearted but they understand she needs to live her life. Not to mention they’re off traveling more than half the time now that Brian’s mid-weight champion, and Kip was all alone in that big-ass house.”

  Cameron didn’t understand. Really. He didn’t. “Where did she go?”

  Both men shrugged.

  “All she said was she was used to living on the road and missed seeing the world. Apparently Jade’s recent first experience with some horses made Kip realize how much Jade was missing. I’m sure Brian and Terry know where she’s gone but they left for Germany yesterday.” Ryan gave Cameron’s shoulder a pat, as if it softened the blow of his words. “I’m sorry, dude. It didn’t occur to me you didn’t know. I figured even though the two of you’d fallen out, since you’d been close for so long, you’d know where she was. I was trying to convince you to go after her, not kick you while you’re down.”

  Cameron nodded. Even to him it felt forced. He knew Max wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone. Somehow Cameron’s lips formed some semblance of a goodbye and his feet automatically carried him back to his car. Cameron didn’t remember a second of it. Minutes passed, turning into an hour as Cameron sat behind the wheel, staring at nothing. She was gone… Kip and Jade—they were…gone. His eyes fell closed. He’d lost everything.