Never Too Late for Love

by Warren Adler

  "Please," she begged. "It's important to me and Bernie."

  They hesitated for some moments more, watching each other.

  "All right," Isadore said finally. She hugged them both.

  "You're wonderful," she said. "If only my own sons were like you."

  "I still think it's a rotten idea," Bernie said as he got into his best suit on the evening of the party. Both families had arrived and settled into their separate motels. Lily warned both sons to be on their best behavior when they telephoned to announce their arrivals.

  "Nothing is going to spoil my fiftieth," she told them both firmly.

  As she stood before the mirror applying make-up to her aged face, she wondered if Bernie wasn't right after all. "But we're a family," she insisted to herself, convincing the image in the mirror that she couldn't just give up on the idea of family.

  "You know, I can't remember when the whole bunch of us was ever together." Bernie said.

  "That's because it never happened."

  "Sad," Bernie mumbled.

  "If this doesn't work, I give up." Lily said.

  "So they'll be together at our funerals," Bernie said, pinching Lily's upper arm.

  "Don't be so sure the daughters-in-law will come."

  "In the box, I won't worry, believe me."

  Lily decided that she and Bernie would arrive at Primero's early, not only to check out the details of the dinner, but to be sure that they were there when the families started arriving.

  Nothing good would come of the warring factions being alone together before the ice was broken, she decided. Luckily, the arrangements had been made carefully. In fact, Lily had driven the manager of Primero's to near desperation as she planned the menu, the seating arrangements, the flowers. She even ordered a dozen matchbooks with gold leaf lettering saying, "Lily and Bernie Morrisson, A Golden Wedding Anniversary."

  Satisfied that everything was in proper order, they stood near the door of the private room waiting for their sons and their families to arrive.

  Sam and Gladys and their three teenage daughters were the first to arrive. There was the usual fussing and kissing as the grandchildren submitted to Lily and Bernie's blandishments, fidgeting, obviously annoyed at having their lives disrupted.

  "You look very good, both of you," Gladys said to her in-laws, making a great show of ingratiation. She was a large woman, grown obviously larger since the elder Morrissons last saw her, a matter about which she was quite sensitive. "I got fat."

  "A sign of contentment," Lily said, smiling, determined to be charming. She noted, too, to herself, that the three daughters took after their mother and were already showing signs of their future expansion.

  "Yeah, a contented cow," her husband Sam said sarcastically, revealing obvious tension between them.

  "You look beautiful, Gladys," Lily insisted.

  "Really beautiful," Bernie said, offering support.

  My handsome son had to marry such a pig, Lily thought, hating herself for harboring such thoughts. But Gladys would not surrender to the obvious hypocrisy.

  "I look at a Danish and gain ten pounds."

  "If only you stopped at looking," Sam said. The tension between them had been at fever pitch as they drove in their rented car to Primero's.

  Gladys had threatened to throw herself out of the car and Sam pulled over and opened the door.

  "So, jump," he cried. "And I'll cut off your mother's allowance."

  For years, he had provided Gladys' mother with a monthly stipend. The threat had calmed her, at least temporarily. But it had not shut her up entirely.

  "Its all right for me to suffer, but you didn't have to inflict your guilt on the girls."

  "They're part of the family."

  "We didn't have to come," the oldest girl screeched. "It's no big deal."

  "It is to me," their father said.

  "Well, then you should have come alone," Gladys screamed. "Your mother hates me. Your brother hates me. His bitchy wife, Mildred, hates me, and those two retarded children of theirs hate me."

  "You forgot someone," Sam said.

  "Who?"

  "Me."

  They drove the rest of the way to the restaurant in silence. When Harry and Mildred arrived with their two sons, both wearing scraggy beards and blue jeans, Sam and his family moved to the other end of the room. Bernie eyed the boys with distaste.

  "They couldn't put on suits," he whispered to Harry. But Mildred overheard.

  "They're doing their own thing. There's nothing wrong with what they're wearing."

  "She's belligerently liberated," Harry said, looking at his mother and shrugging.

  "The boys look wonderful, wonderful," Lily said, kissing them both. One of them waved to the girls, who huddled in a corner.

  "Hey Cozzes. Qué pasa?"

  The girls turned away indignantly.

  "Three fatties," Mildred mumbled. "And look at their cow of a mother."

  "You promised, Mildred," Harry pleaded.

  They had all come bearing gifts, which now were piled on the floor behind the two seats of honor. A waiter came and took their drink orders.

  "Make mine a double martini," Mildred said, looking at her husband.

  "Easy on the juice," her husband warned.

  "How the hell do you think I'm going to get through this?"

  The room was small, dominated by a table set lengthwise. Lily had put place cards in front of each plate, separating the two sons and their wives for obvious reasons. She deliberately placed her sons and daughters-in-law side by side on opposite ends of the table, intermixing the children. Next to each daughter-in-law, she left an empty chair for the Solomon brothers.

  "What did you do that for?" her son Sam demanded. Harry came over to offer the same protest. The two brothers glared at each other.

  "Why couldn't you put them together at the other end of the table?" Harry suggested.

  "Who needs them?" Sam shrugged.

  "What's the matter with you two? You don't even say hello to each other," Bernie said. They turned toward each other and shrugged.

  "So, hello," Harry said.

  "Big deal," Sam replied.

  "You can't be nice just for a few hours?" their father said.

  "OK. OK," Harry said. "We'll be nice."

  "But we can't vouch for her," Sam said, motioning toward Gladys with his chin.

  Mildred ordered another double Martini.

  "I see she still gets tanked," Sam hissed.

  "Talk about tanks," Harry shot back, nodding toward Sam's corpulent wife.

  "Stop this at once," Lily said. "At once." She meant to keep her voice down. At that moment, the Solomon brothers arrived.

  "And these are the Solomon brothers," Lily announced when she saw them walk shyly into the room, obviously uncomfortable. She grasped their hands and walked them around the room introducing them individually to every member of the family. They endured the ordeal bravely, despite the absence of either smiles or warmth from the family.

  "So you're the famous Solomon brothers?" Sam said, watching them curiously. "My mother has mentioned you both many times."

  "I hope favorably," Isadore Solomon said, looking at his brother.

  "Favorably?" Sam said, downing his second scotch. "Did you come here by walking on water?"

  Harry laughed, watching the Solomon brothers' confusion.

  "My mother thinks you're twin Jesuses, is what he means," Sam said.

  "You should learn from them," Lily said. The Solomon brothers looked at each other sheepishly.

  "When are we gonna eat, Ma?" one of the teenage girls asked loudly.

  "When they stop guzzling," her mother answered.

  "The three little piggies," Mildred mumbled.

  "Four," one of her sons said, poking his brother in the ribs.

  "I see they're still retarded," Gladys snickered, and the girls giggled behind their hands.

  "This was definitely not a very bright idea, Ma," Sam told his mother.r />
  "No kidding," Harry said.

  She put each of the Solomon brothers next to her daughters-in-law. On the other side of each of them was one of the grandchildren. Despite the politeness and good cheer on the part of the Solomon brothers, their dinner partners were not overjoyed. They protested.

  "Why do I have to sit next to him?" one of the girls whispered, loud enough to be heard.

  "Yeah, why?" one of Harry's sons said, also above a whisper. "I'll lose my appetite."

  "See," the girl protested. "Even the retard objects." She started to rise.

  "Sit down and shut up," her mother said.

  The girl's lips puckered as she held back her tears and sat down again.

  Lily and Bernie sat at the center of the table, one son beside each of them.

  When everyone was finally seated, the conversation seemed to disappear and only the sound of silverware clinking against plates could be heard in the room.

  No one spoke, as they quickly wolfed down the chopped liver course.

  Bernie whispered to Lily, "See, I told you."

  "Better quiet than argument," she said bravely.

  But the quiet was shattered when one of the waiters dripped soup on Harry's wife, Mildred. She had been nursing her third double martini and the waiter urged her politely to move so he could place the soup on the table. She hadn't, and a few drops of liquid had fallen on her shoulder.

  "Why can't you be more careful, you schmuck?" she cried. The waiter flushed.

  "Mildred," Harry snorted. "No big deal."

  "Not for you. I'm the one that got spilled on." The waiter pressed the damp spot on her dress with a napkin.

  "Get your damned hands off me," Mildred screamed, elbowing the waiter in the stomach.

  "She's two sheets to the wind," Sam said smugly. His brother glared at him, then turned toward his wife.

  "I warned you, Mildred," Harry sneered.

  "Warn shwarn. You don't think I can get through this without a couple of drinks."

  "She can't get through anything without a couple of drinks," Gladys whispered to one of the Solomon brothers. But her voice carried and Mildred turned her venom on her.

  "Well, old fat tits has got to put in her two cents."

  "Christ, Mildred," Harry said, half rising from the table.

  "You better shut her up," Sam warned. Harry turned toward his brother angrily.

  "And you shut up old lard ass."

  "Children," Lily screeched, her voice filling the room like a siren, jolting everyone to silence. She wanted to cry, but she lifted her chin bravely, although a single tear glistened in her left eye.

  "This is our fiftieth anniversary. Why must you fight? Isn't it time that everyone stopped fighting?" She hadn't meant to make that speech until after dessert was served.

  "You should show some respect," Bernie admonished. Both sons lowered their eyes in a pretense of shame for the benefit of their parents.

  "It was a shitty idea," Mildred bellowed, her tongue thick, her hands fluttering in front of her, playing with a napkin.

  "Will you shut up?" Harry shouted.

  "She's plastered, Dad," one of their boys said.

  "The least we can do is sit together and peacefully break bread on our fiftieth anniversary," Bernie shrugged, his eyes roaming the table. His look seemed to quiet everyone and they passed uneventfully through the soup course.

  Then the waiters served the chicken Kiev and vegetables. But Mildred, with a gesture of contempt, waved the plate away.

  "Bring me another martini," she commanded the waiter.

  "You'd better not," her husband said.

  "I'll do what I damned please."

  "Then you'll do it by yourself."

  "Who the hell do you think you are?" Mildred said, rising unsteadily, hands on hips, glaring at her husband.

  "Throw the broad out," Sam hissed.

  "She's a disgrace," Gladys said, as their three daughters watched smugly.

  "Sit down, dammit," Harry shouted. Mildred dropped back into her seat. A moment later, her head dangled over the table.

  "Now you see one of the reasons why we have nothing to do with them," Sam said to his parents.

  "That's bullshit," Harry said. "Besides, who can stand your arrogant superior selfish attitude." He looked at his mother. "He was always obnoxious, Mom. Always a son-of-a-bitch."

  "I was a son-of-a-bitch?" Sam said incredulously. "If it was up to you, you'd screw me out of everything. Take, take. That's all you know." He looked at Mildred, her head on the table's surface, her hair spilling into the sauce of the chicken Kiev. "You probably drove her to it."

  "She's a damned good wife," Harry said defensively. "The tension got to her, that's all." He looked at Gladys. "Better than that fat-assed yenta you married, and the three little piggies."

  "I won't sit here and take that," Gladys shouted, rising from her seat.

  Her three daughters, all sniffling, rose with her. The Solomon brothers glanced at each other with increasing discomfort.

  "Can you die from this?" Lily said. She slapped the table, rattling the dishes.

  "Enough!" she screamed, her face turning beet red.

  "Just sit down," Sam said to his wife and children. Gladys looked at him with disgust.

  "I will not."

  "Yes, you will." She stood for a long moment, the daughters as well.

  "We'll discuss this later," she warned, finally sitting down, the daughters obediently aping her action.

  "You don't think they'd miss a meal, do you?" one of Harry's sons said.

  "You see. You see," Gladys shouted.

  "I'm disgusted with all of you," Lily said. "Monsters, the whole lot of you." She looked at her own sons. "Brothers? Some brothers. If I would have known how you both would turn out, I would have drowned you at birth."

  "That's a disgusting thing to say," Gladys said.

  "I know," Lily continued. "Look at my family, my wonderful family. Not one ounce of pleasure have I ever gotten from any of you. Not one ounce. Even on my fiftieth anniversary."

  "Please, Lily," Bernie said.

  "How can I leave this earth knowing that my children hate each other?"

  She looked into the faces of the Solomon brothers.

  "Why can't they be like you two. Brothers who love each other." Her eyes searched the faces of her own sons. "Why is it that you can't be like them? Devoted. Loving. It's a pleasure to watch them together. And you two together are like animals, animals."

  "They're not such great examples, Ma," Harry said.

  "Not now, Harry," Sam pleaded.

  "Somebody's got to tell them."

  "Let it be someone else then."

  "Why?"

  "Come on, Harry. It'll only make things worse."

  Both Solomon brothers had turned white. But Lily was ignoring her son's exchange, not noticing the increasing tension.

  "I always dreamed that my sons would be together, through everything, helping one another." She looked at the Solomon brothers. "Like Mark and Isadore."

  "They're gay, Ma. Fags. Fagales, Ma," Harry cried.

  "Why can't you shut your fucking mouth?" Sam shouted.

  "They're fags, Ma," Harry repeated. He seemed on the verge of hysterics. "And I'll be willing to bet they're not brothers." The Solomon brothers turned ashen.

  "Not brothers?" Lily said, confused.

  "Worse if they're brothers," Harry said. "That would be incest on top of it." He turned to the Solomon brothers. "Tell her, for chrissakes."

  The Solomon brothers exchanged pained looks. Then Isadore Solomon shook his head and turned toward Lily and Bernie.

  "We feel so bad for you both," Isadore said, with dignity.

  "You're not brothers?" Lily asked.

  Everyone in the room grew silent waiting for Isadore's answer.

  "If you mean are we siblings," Isadore said, his voice wavering, but his dignity intact. He looked at Mark. "But we are brothers in spirit." Mark smiled and nodded agreeme
nt.

  "And body," Harry said smugly.

  But Isadore was not finished.

  "Enough, Harry," Lily said, turning to Isadore. She nodded toward Isadore and he continued.

  "We have been brothers in the truest sense for nearly as long as you both are married. We're friends, good pals and, most important, we love each other. We also respect each other, trust each other and depend on each other."

  Mark nodded as Isadore spoke.

  "I am sorry to say this but there is more love and brotherhood between us than can be found in this room." He turned to Lily and Bernie. "I don't mean you, Lily, or you, Bernie. And don't blame yourselves. There are no signs of brotherly love here. Your children are strangers to each other. They hate each other and their spouses and children hate each other."

  "Advice from fags we don't need," Sam sneered.

  "We came here for your sake, Lily and Bernie. You are very brave to believe in the fantasy that siblings must love each other." He looked at Mark and smiled. "We feel more like siblings than they ever will. And we choose to be recognized as brothers, the Solomon brothers." He sucked in a deep breath and sighed. "Thank you for inviting us."

  They started to move out, just as the anniversary cake with fifty lit candles was being wheeled into the dining room.

  "No, wait," Lily said to the Solomon brothers, as she took Bernie's hand and they stopped before the cake. "Help us blow out the candles," Lily said to the brothers.

  They stood around the cake and blew out the candles. Then they all exchanged kisses and the four of them together left the room.

  "Did you make a wish?" Isadore asked, addressing his question to Lily and Bernie.

  "We always make the same wish," Lily sighed.

  "As you can see it never came true," Bernie shrugged.

  "So I made a new one," Lily said, squeezing Bernie's hand.

  "Me, too," Bernie said.

  "I hope I'm in it," Lily said.

  "Who else?" Bernie chuckled. "I'm in yours, aren't I?"

  "For a change," Lily said. "For a change."

  JUST ONCE

  The shuttle bus meandered slowly through the main avenue, halting at the stop stations to pick up other passengers. Rose sat in the first section, just behind the driver, and she could hear the motor cough and sputter as it revved up for movement. It was the principal form of transportation within Sunset Village, a godsend for those who didn't have cars and needed to get around.