Finally Mine

by Anne Hansen

  Maybe it’s a jinx. But how the hell could my life get any more jinxed than it is right now?

  “How much do you need?” Mr. Lombardi asks, and I can see him talking to his wife that way couples who’ve been together forever do, the way my parents can—without a single word.

  And I remember the money they offered me, the reward.

  I hold my hands up. “No. I know what you’re thinking. You guys have been great, and I hope it didn’t come off like I’d sit at your table and ask you to bail me out of this. That’s not what I was hoping for at all. I just…I’ve never been able to talk about all this. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

  I stand, but Mr. Lombardi’s giant hand lands on my shoulder and pushes me back into my seat. “No one thinks you’re hear to take advantage of us.”

  “He was trying to steal your car,” David points out.

  Man, he’s making it clear that he’s not happy I’m here. I know it has to do with the way I broke things off with Keira, and I’m glad he’s being a dick to me. I don’t deserve any better than that.

  “David,” his mother scolds. “Vin saved your life. I think we can all pretend the little mix-up in the garage never happened.”

  “No, he’s right.” I rub a hand over my hair and groan. “The truth is, I can’t do anything. I’ve never had a job outside of criminal shit for my family. Even if I was as good a mechanic as my pop, there’s no way to make the kind of money Gio would need to square off the loan.”

  “What kind of money are we talking about?” Mr. Lombardi asks patiently.

  I blow out a long breath and try to think what it would be. “I’d say fifty K, give or take a few thousand.”

  I watch their three jaws drop at once.

  “I know,” I say, starting to stand again. Mr. Lombardi’s too fast, though, and I plop back in the chair.

  “Fifty thousand dollars,” Mrs. Lombardi says with awe in her voice.

  “It’s a ton,” I agree. “And I’ve got no way to collect other than boosting.”

  “Well. There is something,” David says, running his finger along the edge of his plate.

  “What is it, D?” his father asks, leaning forward, but David shakes his head.

  “You’ll tell me it’s too dangerous,” David says, raising his eyebrows at his dad.

  His dad raises identical ones right back. “Try me.”

  “I already did. Six weeks ago.”

  “The drag races?” His father rubs a hand over his balding head. “Okay, you got me. Way too dangerous.”

  “The drag races?” I ask, frowning. “The ones Leo is always talking about?”

  “Bingo.” David makes his fingers into a fake gun and shoots at me. “You’ve got to qualify, and, once you do, you race. Each heat ups the purse. When you’ve got two left, winner takes all.”

  “How much?” I ask.

  “I hear it’s up to thirty five thousand.” David examines his fingernails casually. “But that could just be gossip.

  “Thirty-five grand?” I sit back hard. It would take me a half dozen high end boosts to bring that in. “That’s a shit ton of money.”

  “They’re not just handing it out,” David says with a quick eye-roll. “You have to win. Which means you need a crazy fast car and you have to be a fairly excellent driver.” He flicks his eyes at his father. “It’s infuriating to have the fastest car in Eastside sitting in your own garage and have your father tell you it’s ‘too dangerous’ to try.”

  Mr. Lombardi lets out a long laugh that shakes his whole body. “Sorry, kid. I already watched the doctors stitch you back together once this lifetime. That’s enough for my old ticker.”

  “My brother and father can do it. They can make my car so freaking fast, it would blow anyone away.” I stand, knocking the chair back at the table, then turn and pick it back up.

  “Vin,” Mrs. Lombardi says, looking at her husband with those pleading eyes I know so well from my time with Keira. “I know it sounds like a solution to all your problems, but this isn’t the way. When it seems too easy, it’s usually because it’s not possible. Nothing good comes without real work, real sacrifice. And the risk is just too high. You could crash. You could lose your life.”

  Mr. Lombardi nods. “It’s not worth your neck, kid.”

  I can’t stop grinning. For the first time in so long, I feel light. I feel hopeful. I feel like I can do this. For me. For Keira.

  For us.

  “I appreciate it, but my life isn’t worth much the way it’s going right now. I know it’s a longshot, but it could fix everything.”

  “It’s still totally illegal,” David points out. “They busted one in Summit last summer and hauled everyone to jail.”

  I nod, but I’m not worried. “I’ll take my chances. Mrs. Lombardi, thank you for the chicken and biscuits. I’ve never tasted anything so amazing in my life. Please never mention I said that to my mother.” She smiles and I turn to her husband. “Thank you for not beating me to death with a metal baseball bat.” I look at David. “I don’t even deserve to ask you to do this, but if you could tell Keira…”

  The house settles in the night and I try to think about a message I could send through David to the girl who owns my heart.

  “Tell her… if I could change just one thing, losing her is the thing I would change.”

  I make my way to the door before I turn and shake my head. “No. Scratch that. Tell her losing her is the one thing I will change.”

  “What did he say then?” Lily asks, her voice low and breathy.

  “He walked to the door, and then he turned all slowly.” David runs to my door so he can act it all out. “And he said, ‘No. Scratch that. Tell her losing her is the one thing I will change.’”

  “Oh my God,” Lily squeals, fanning herself. “Ty is so sweet, but he’s never said anything like that about me. How are you just sitting there, Keira? How are you not freaking out?”

  I tap my pencil on my notebook and glare at them. “I asked you guys here to work on our Old Man and the Sea project. I can’t do it all.”

  “Yes you can, and so much better than we ever could,” David sighs. “Why are we reading this crazy story? At least Gatsby had love and romance and violence. This is just a million pages about some old dude fishing.” He sits on my desk and swings his feet.

  “The book is, like, a quarter inch thick,” I point out. “But, speaking of fishing, any ideas on the symbolism of the fish?”

  “Any ideas about what Vin’s highly dramatic words might mean for Eastside’s most amazing star-crossed couple?” David shoots back.

  I close my notebook. “You mean Vin and Faline? Because she’s the one he asked to the dance. Look, I know you have a soft spot for Vin, and I get why—”

  David presses his hands prayer-style in front of him. “Please know I did my utmost to deny my complete adoration the night he came over, but he’s so damn charming. And romantic.”

  “Right,” I drawl. “I get it. I do. But you know that old saying? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice—”

  “And three strikes you’re out?” Lily says, shrugging when I toss a balled-up sheet of notebook paper her way. “I know. What he did at the dance was awful. But he clearly hated himself for doing it. And he is so crazy in love with you, Keira! You should see when you walk by him in the halls and he just stops talking, walking, whatever he’s doing to watch you go by.” She bats her lashes dramatically. “You have an amazing amount of self control.”

  “Guys, he pulverized my heart. Twice. I gave him time, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I honestly think he’s a wonderful person. But, maybe my father was right. Maybe he and I just don’t belong together.” I hop off the bed and head to the kitchen. “I’ll get us snacks!” I call, mostly to give the two of them time to say all the things they’re trying to communicate to each other in made-up sign language over my head.

  I know my friends are bugging the crap out of me because they know very well how h
ard I took Vin’s last betrayal. It felt more vulnerable than it had before because I put myself out there, knowing full well the risks.

  I’m not ready to let my heart get battered and bruised again.

  When I come back in my room with three water bottles and a bowl of grapes, Lily and David are sitting on the floor looking very suspicious.

  “What is it?” I ask, sighing.

  “We’ve decided we need to tell you exactly what Vin’s plan is, even though we think you might go crazy and run into his arms, begging him to stop.” Lily can barely keep the glee off her face.

  “Okay.” I roll my eyes and pop a grape in my mouth.

  “So, there’s this huge set of drag races being organized right now,” David says, grabbing a handful of grapes and tossing them into Lily’s open mouth. “The purse is set around thirty-five thousand, winner take all. Vin is planning to race.”

  I swallow the grape the wrong way and start to choke. Lily and David spring to action, grabbing me around the waist and beating on my back until it comes dislodged, and I spit it out so hard, it hits the wall and leaves a little splatter of grape juice.

  “Who else is racing?” I demand.

  David’s eyes shine when he shrugs. “I don’t know. Local guys, I guess.”

  “Has he ever raced before?” I ask, but Lily and David just look at each other and shrug. “My God!” I get up and start pacing. “What an idiot! Does he have any idea what he’s doing? What he has to lose? He could get killed! Drag racing isn’t like any other kind of driving. You need so much focus, you need to know how to handle the vehicle you’re driving. It’s not a game!”

  “Whoa.” Lily stares at me. “Um, you sound kinda like you have personal experience.”

  I fall back on the bed and stare at the ceiling. “My grandfather was a professional racecar driver. My mother grew up on the track, and she used to take me all the time. Off track, they loved a good drag race.”

  “Wait. You’re talking like you know a lot about this. Have you ever drag raced?” David asks, bouncing on the bed next to me.

  I put my arm over my eyes. “Yes! But it was a huge thing between my parents. My dad thought it was so irresponsible of my mother, so…she kind of lied about it.”

  “Damn girl. I guess that saying about still waters running deep is true. I never would have pegged you for a rebel, Ms. McCabe.” David peels my arm back from my face and he and Lily hover over me, staring down. “So, are you going to use your secret drag racing talents to help Vin?” Lily asks.

  I shake my head. “I only did it for fun. With my mother and grandfather. Years ago. It’s incredibly dangerous even when you’re doing it with people who are pretty much experts.”

  “Who else is going to help him? He may need pointers,” David says. “I know you’re pissed at him, but do you want to see him go down in flames?”

  I sit up and groan. “No. No! Of course not.”

  “Lily, I think we should go get some work done on The Old Man and the Sea at my place to give Keira some time to herself in case she needs to call someone, hint, hint,” David stage whispers. “Fine,” he cajoles when Lily pouts. “I’ll also make those sushi rolls you love. It’ll go with all these themes we’re supposed to pull out of thin air now that Keira won’t be explaining them to us.” They hug me goodbye.

  “Talk to him,” David whispers.

  “It’s not that easy,” I object, but no one’s listening to me.

  They never listen to me where Vin is concerned.

  I can’t blame them. I barely listen to myself.

  When David and Lily are gone, I go to the bottom drawer of my desk and pull out the thin black book my mother always kept in her lockbox back home. Dad had it on a pile of things he was getting rid of after she died.

  I remember those days, after her death, when we rounded up the soft cardigans she used to snuggle around her shoulders while she read a good book, the cool wire-framed glasses she hated wearing to drive and watch TV, the scuffed heels she danced in so many late Saturday nights with my father.

  “We can’t keep it all, sweetie,” Dad had said, his voice choked with tears. “God knows…this is the last thing—the last thing—I want to do, but…”

  “Someone else will get use from Mom’s things,” I said, wondering how my own voice could sound so cheerful when my heart was so dull. “Mom would have liked that.”

  Dad nodded, sobs choking him, while I labeled what would go to the women’s shelter Mom and I volunteered at every year. Some of her things I kept, of course. Her favorite things, things that still had the smell and feel of her in every fiber.

  And some things weren’t the kind of things you could give away or keep. They fell into that strangely personal realm I never knew existed—the clutter of the dead.

  Among them was her black book.

  The one that always made Dad scowl when she flipped through it. The one she pushed back into the locked drawer more and more often the more he argued with her about it. I used to think he was being overbearing. I thought the names and numbers in that book represented the most fun, interesting people I’d ever met in my life. But now that I know Vin and have experienced firsthand what it’s like to love someone and be afraid about what they’re going to do next, I get what Dad was so freaked out about.

  Just like Vin, Mom liked to live on the edge. To skip around the rules and feel her adrenaline spike. I liked to see her that way, to feel the happiness radiating off of her. And a tiny part of me still loves that rush as well.

  But a bigger part of me inherited my father’s sensible fear of things that can kill you. Which is why I’m freaking out for Vin right now. Why I’m ready to do anything in my power to make sure he doesn’t get hurt.

  I pick up my phone to call him, and he answers on the first ring. I have to close my eyes and sit hard on the bed the second I hear his voice so I don’t start pouring out every single thing I’ve been feeling and thinking all these weeks without him.

  Damn, I love hearing his voice too much. It’s scary.

  “Keira?” He says my name in this hushed tone, like he’s afraid I’ll end the call before we’ve even said a word.

  “It’s me.” I clear my throat. “David and Lily told me you’re…racing?”

  “Can I see you? Can we meet somewhere?”

  I swallow hard. I want to. I want to so badly. But Vin and I have a history of not being able to keep our hands off each other when we’re in close proximity.

  “Probably not a good idea.”

  “Okay.” He takes a deep breath. “I want to apologize. It was a fucking cowardly thing, what I did to you at the dance. I wanted to protect you. Please know that. I never wanted to hurt you. Or Faline. By the way, there’s nothing going on with her, there never was anything—”

  “It’s fine,” I interrupt. The last thing I want to think about is what did or didn’t happen between Vin and the gorgeous blond who still follows him around like an overeager puppy. “Really. I get that things have been intense for you. That’s why I’m calling, why I’m asking about the race.”

  “It’s not the ideal solution. I know it’s still not exactly legal. But it’s not stealing cars. And if I win this purse, my debt is cleared. I don’t have to go back to work for Gio. I can start fresh with my father and Dom.” He’s talking fast now, trying to get it all out.

  This stupid hope surges up in my heart, but I stamp it back down. Now is not the time to be getting all excited about what could very well amount to nothing.

  “That sounds really good, Vin,” I say, my voice a little bland on purpose. I can’t admit to him—or myself—how much I want this to work. “But racing isn’t easy if you’ve never done it before.”

  “Leo’s helping me out,” he says.

  “Has Leo won many races?” I’ve only met his goofy friend on a few occasions, but he never struck me as a the kind of guy with enough focus and grit to be a seasoned racer.

  “No,” Vin says, laughing a little. “He
knows the basics, but he’s not the greatest racer. I know it’s not ideal. None of this is. And, trust me, I know better than anyone what a longshot this is. But if I don’t at least try, I’ll never forgive myself. You were right, Keira. I’m scared. I’m scared of not living up to other peoples’ expectations. Or my own. I’m scared of failing. And most of all…I’m scared that I’m going to disappoint you.”

  “You shouldn’t worry about me,” I tell him, but I can barely hear my voice over the pounding of my own heart.

  I want to say more, but saying more will be revealing what’s just a faint hope right now. And hope is dangerous.

  Nothing hurts worse than hoping for something that just can’t be.

  “Why not?” He’s asking questions between the lines, like he knows what I’m thinking.

  “Because I can’t be disappointed in you, Vin,” I say carefully. Even though I know it would be playing with fire, I wish he was here with me. I want to look into his eyes when I tell him this. But he’s not and I have to accept that it’s better this way. “I know how good you are, in your heart. I know how hard you’re trying.”

  “If this works, if I win and clear my debt—”

  “Don’t.” I listen to the sound of his breathing on the other end and stupidly wish I was in his arms. But I’m not and I know that may very well be the best thing for both of us right now. “Just…focus on driving. On staying safe. Racing is dangerous. Trust me, I know firsthand.”

  “Even after all this time, you’re still a mystery to me, Keira,” he says, and I can hear his smile across the line. “I know I don’t deserve to even ask, but is there anything you need from me?”

  I need you to solve me, Vin. I need you to make me whole.

  “I need you to stay safe. Don’t take risks, but win if you can. Win so you can start over again.”

  “With you?”

  I hold my breath. My heart seizes and my palms sweat so badly, I almost drop the phone.