Seeking Sara Summers

by Susan Gabriel

  Sara joined everyone downstairs and Max handed her a glass of wine. Julia had returned and had good news. A gallery in Rome was interested in her paintings. She told them all the details and they toasted to her success.

  “What a beautiful scarf,” Julia said, as they moved from the living room to the dining room. Julia fondled the folds of the silk. Sara had done her best to not get too close to Julia for fear that she would discover that she was still attracted to her.

  “I can’t believe I bought something so bold,” Sara said.

  “Bold suits you,” Julia said.

  Sara glanced at Julia, smiled, and then looked away. Bold can get a person in trouble, she thought. She remembered Antonio’s apartment and shuddered slightly.

  They had an exquisite dinner in the large dining room and then returned to the living room, another glass of wine in hand. That made three glasses in the last hour and a half and she was beginning to feel it. She and Julia sat on opposite ends of a large sofa. The evening had cooled and there was a small fire in the fireplace.

  “So when was the last time you two saw each other?” Max asked.

  “When I was sixteen, my father got a teaching job in England and we moved away,” Julia said.

  “Our little town hasn’t been the same without you,” Sara said.

  “I haven’t been the same without our little town,” Julia said. “I felt really bad about leaving.”

  “Did you?” Sara asked. For some reason Sara had never considered that the move would have been hard for Julia.

  “Of course,” Julia said. “I was heartbroken. I was leaving my best friend.”

  Max opened another bottle of wine and filled Sara’s glass again. “This one was a gift from friends who own a vineyard to the north of us. I think you’ll like it.”

  Sara thanked him, loosened her scarf, and took off her shoes. She slid her feet up under a sofa cushion, a gesture that would be more typical of Julia than her. The small fire crackled in the stone fireplace. Max and Melanie were easy to be with, as easy as Italy was to visit. Despite a few moments of terror, Sara was starting to relax here. Maybe a little too much.

  A surge of heat rose to her face, followed by a mild panic, which historically announced the beginnings of a full-fledged hot flash. Sara made her apologies and exited to the garden. She took off her scarf and unbuttoned the top two buttons on her blouse.

  Seconds later, Julia joined her. “Are you okay?” she asked.

  “A menopausal moment, I think.” Sara fanned herself with her scarf. The sky was clear, overrun with stars; the night air crisp, yet still. The three-quarter moon lit up portions of the courtyard.

  “You seem awfully young to be getting hot flashes,” Julia said.

  “Thank you for that,” Sara said.

  The light from the house cast window-sized rectangles on the stone courtyard. The fountain, in the shadows, gurgled its constant presence.

  Sara dropped her scarf on the bench. It had gotten her in enough trouble for one day. Her heartbeat accelerated. She rolled up the sleeves of her blouse, dabbing at the sweat forming in the valley of her chest.

  “I haven’t had one of these in a while,” Sara said. “It’s probably the wine. I never drink this much.”

  “What can I do?” Julia asked, concern in her voice.

  “Nothing. I think it’s almost over.” Sara walked through the shadows and sat next to the fountain. She patted her neck with cool water, as if it were an elixir for what troubled her. The flash of heat made a crescendo and then faded away. She began to feel normal again and offered Julia a faint smile.

  Sara looked up into the night full of stars that had no city lights to detract from them.

  “Star light, star bright,” Sara began.

  Julia smiled her recognition. “Do you have a wish?”

  Sara closed her eyes. She rejected the first wish that came to her, which was to stay in Italy forever. Her second wish was more in line with the old Sara. “Yes, I have one,” Sara said, opening her eyes.

  “Wait,” Julia said. “We need to do this right.” Julia took Sara’s hand and they closed their eyes like they had as girls and released their wishes into the universe. “What did you wish for?” Julia asked.

  “I’m not falling for that one again,” Sara said. “I want it to come true.”

  They laughed at the interplay between past and present, and then watched the stars a little longer. The half moon cast a dim light over the courtyard.

  “I feel better now,” Sara said. “We can go back inside if you want.”

  “Are you sure?” Julia said.

  “I’m sure,” Sara said. “Now I have a more pressing problem.” She picked up her scarf and tied it around her shoulders.

  “What?” Julia asked.

  “I’m in serious danger of sobering up,” Sara said.

  “That is serious,” Julia laughed.

  Sara apologized to Max and Melanie when they returned to the living room. “I have my own built-in fireplace, these days.”

  “Happens to the best of us,” Melanie said.

  Max’s brow momentarily furrowed. “I feel oddly left out of this conversation,” he said.

  “I hear there’s such a thing as male menopause, too,” Julia said. “The symptoms just show up in different ways. Like red Ferraris, and younger women. It’s still heat. Just acted out instead of in.”

  Melanie applauded Julia’s insight.

  “I can’t imagine what you mean,” Max said, his innocence perfected.

  “Bullshit, darling,” Melanie said. She placed another small log on the fire.

  “Yes, bullshit, Max,” Julia agreed.

  “Well, I know when it’s time for me to leave a room,” Max said jovially. “You girls can talk about ovaries and whatever else for as long as you want. I think I’ll turn in.”

  “I’ll join you,” Melanie said. “I have a sexy little red number I might try on for you.”

  “I need to put away the Ferrari first,” Max smiled.

  They said their goodnights and left Julia and Sara sitting across from each other in the expansive living room. Sara poured another glass of wine and Julia motioned for her to sit closer. Sara joined her on the sofa. The room was quiet except for the intermittent hiss and crackle of the fire.

  “Feeling better?” Julia asked.

  “Actually, I’m starting to feel quite good,” she said. “But I’m not sure if it’s because of the surroundings or the wine.”

  “Maybe a little of both,” Julia said.

  The events of Sara’s day began to fade, becoming dreamlike. Had she really considered sleeping with the young waiter from the café? Perhaps she had also imagined her feelings for Julia the day before.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t stay in touch after you left,” Sara said. “You sent all these post cards and letters that I never answered.”

  “I have to admit that was hard,” Julia said. “We had been such good friends. And then you just disappeared.”

  “I felt so abandoned,” Sara said truthfully.

  Julia rested her hand on Sara’s. “I’ve really missed you. I didn’t realize how much until you got here.”

  “I’ve missed you, too,” Sara said.

  Julia’s words repeated in her mind. It was nice to be missed. Especially by Julia. This brought more pleasure to her than she wanted to admit. “Can I tell you something else?” Sara asked.

  “Of course, anything.”

  “Even if it sounds crazy?”

  “Especially if it sounds crazy. I love crazy. The crazier the better.” Julia smiled.

  “Despite the hot flashes and momentary lapses of terror, I haven’t felt this good in a really long time. It’s not normal for me to feel this good.”

  “I hate to think of you being so unhappy,” Julia said.

  “Maybe I’m just being overly dramatic,” Sara said. “After all, I am a drama and English teacher at Beacon High.”

  “Remember Mrs. McGregor?” Juli
a asked. “She could have definitely used Botox.”

  They looked at each other and laughed.

  “We were really awful back then, weren’t we?” Sara said.

  “Not any worse than everybody else,” Julia said.

  Somehow it didn’t matter how silly they were being, or that they were grown, supposedly sophisticated, women. “I’ve always loved your laugh,” Julia said.

  Sara leaned into Julia’s shoulder feeling the sweet warmth of Julia’s company and the wine. The look on Julia’s face had so much love in it, it caught Sara by surprise. Was this what happiness was? To have someone look at you with that much love and acceptance?

  The small fire crackled loudly. Sara finished the last sip of her wine and stared into the empty glass. A single tear trailed down her cheek and dropped into the folds of her scarf. Her next thought surprised her. She suddenly didn’t want to die. She wanted another chance at life; a chance to celebrate it instead of simply endure it. She had wasted so many years living a pseudo-life and taking things for granted. Not realizing what a privilege it was to flounder around and make mistakes and participate in this giant experiment of humanity.

  Julia laced her fingers in Sara’s. Her hand felt to Sara like a rope thrown down into a deep well that she must grab onto to save her life.

  Sara observed their interlocking fingers and couldn’t tell where Julia’s hand ended and hers began. She wanted to absorb Julia’s confidence in a palm to palm transfusion.

  “I wish you’d tell me what’s going on,” Julia said.

  When Julia squeezed Sara’s hand again, a charge of desire moved through her body like an electrical current. Sara jerked away as if she had been shocked.

  “What is it?” Julia asked.

  “Nothing,” Sara said.

  “It sure doesn’t seem like nothing,” Julia said.

  Sara pulled her knees to her chest and retied the scarf around her neck as if to retie her composure. Her mind raced to explain the feeling away. She thought of those Middle Eastern countries where the men veiled their women in an effort to avoid temptation. Sara wished Julia were veiled now. Yet avoiding the temptation seemed hardly the cure. If anything, it served more to ignite it.

  Julia’s face was radiant in the soft light and full of questions. “Sara, what is it?”

  “Do you mind if we go outside?” Sara asked. She suddenly couldn’t breathe. Sara left the living room and passed through the double doors to the courtyard. She followed the runway of lights that outlined the walkway. The red scarf fell loosely around her shoulders. Moonlight reflected in the water at the Lady’s feet. Her open arms threatened Sara now. She was too open, too accepting.

  Sara retreated to the bench in front of the fountain. The moonlight lit up the virgin’s face. Julia had followed and joined her on the bench. She touched Sara’s knee. Heat raised the length of Sara’s body. It wasn’t a hot flash, although she wished it were. Sara wanted a biological reason for what she was feeling. Or any reason that might circumvent the truth.

  “This is wrong,” Sara said.

  “What is?” Julia asked, as if genuinely confused.

  “I’m married to Grady,” she said, more to herself than to Julia. “I have children. I’m a Republican, for God’s sake.”

  Julia laughed. “Well, I guess technically, I am, too. But what does that have to do with anything?”

  Sara dissolved deeper into her confusion. Not even her politics had been something she had chosen out of clear conviction. She was a Republican because Grady was. Basically, she had voted for whoever Grady told her to.

  “Sara, what’s going on?” Julia reached her hand toward Sara’s, but Sara refused it. The wine’s effect had faded.

  “Julia, there’s something I need to tell you.” She wondered herself what it was she was about to confess. The cancer? Or the more urgent one of desire.

  Julia’s face turned serious. “What is it, honey?”

  Sara paused. “I have cancer.”

  When she saw the pain on Julia’s face she wished she had chosen the other confession. “Cancer?” Julia asked.

  “It’s okay, I’m in remission.” Sara lied so the look would go away. She didn’t want to cause Julia any pain.

  “When did you find out?” Julia asked.

  Sara filled her in on the events of the last year, as well as her problems with Grady, and her sudden decision to take a sabbatical and come to Italy. She left out the part about her cancer coming back and the uncertainty of her future. Somehow it felt like she had already shared too much.

  Julia was quiet for a long time as she took it all in. “I can’t imagine what this is like for you,” she said.

  “It hasn’t been easy,” Sara said. “But in a way I’m grateful for it. You know, I’ve never felt as alive as I have on this trip. And I can’t afford to fool myself anymore. Life gets really simple when you think you might die.”

  Julia took Sara’s hand again and this time she didn’t resist it. “I think you must be the bravest person I’ve ever known. I’m so glad you decided to come to Italy.”

  Sara laughed. “That’s a new one. How can someone as cowardly as me be brave?”

  “Well you are.” Julia leaned in and kissed Sara on the cheek.

  The imprint of Julia’s lips felt hot on Sara’s face. Sara leaned toward Julia to return the kiss on the cheek but instead kissed her on the lips. Julia’s mouth opened slightly and their tongues touched, exploring the intimate new territory of each other’s mouths for a moment.

  Sara’s body began to tremble. She waited for the ground to yawn open and swallow her. At the very least she expected Julia’s reaction to be one of disgust or disapproval. Instead, Julia’s face revealed only a glimmer of surprise.

  Within seconds, Sara’s momentary bravery retreated, leaving her feeling raw and exposed. She was someone who exercised, ate right, and still got cancer. Someone who had kept a safe distance and still fell in love with her best friend.

  Julia called out her name as Sara ran out of the garden.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  What have I done? Sara thought. Coming to Italy had shattered her perceptions of herself. She was someone totally different than she had always thought. The cancer had eradicated the rules and restrictions she had held herself to for all these years. She had kissed Julia. She had kissed her best friend. How could this possibly be a good thing?

  Sara grabbed a set of car keys hanging on the hook by the kitchen door.

  “Where are you going?” Julia caught up with her.

  “I need to get out of here,” Sara said. “I need to find an airport and fly home.” Julia followed her through the courtyard to the driveway. Sara slid into the driver’s side of Max’s small BMW. Julia jumped into the passenger side.

  “Sara, let’s talk about this,” Julia said. She turned to face her. “Try to stay calm. There’s nowhere to go tonight,” she continued. “We can leave in the morning if you want.”

  “I need to go home now!” Sara’s voice had a desperation to it that she had never heard before. She fumbled with the car keys and started the motor of Max’s car. Sara jerked the gears into first and splayed gravel behind the car. “This is crazy,” Julia yelled, hanging onto the dashboard. “Stop this car this instant!”

  Sara stopped. They jerked forward. “Are you trying to kill us?” Julia’s voice reached for calmness, but didn’t quite make it.

  “Get out of the car,” Sara ordered Julia.

  Julia didn’t move.

  Sara accelerated down the long driveway made of dirt mixed with gravel. The headlights illuminated a small rectangle of the countryside in front of them. She was reminded of her drive out into the New England countryside months before.

  Julia hurriedly fastened her seat belt. Sara left hers off. If she flew through the windshield on impact, so much the better, she thought. Life had taken an unexpected turn and she had no idea how to deal with it. She was a stranger to herself. A random thought confirmed that she
actually liked this stranger, much more than the old Sara. But it was too late for thoughts like that. She accelerated down the long driveway.

  “Where are you going?” Julia asked.

  “I have no idea,” Sara said truthfully, “but you’re free to get out at any time.”

  “Stop this!” Julia insisted. She placed her hand on Sara’s arm.

  The touch was enough to pull Sara’s glance in Julia’s direction. Julia’s eyes were wide and alarmed. Sara was scaring her. She hated this thought. But what she hated more, at that moment, was herself. She knew she was acting crazy but she couldn’t seem to stop herself. Sara slammed on the brakes again. The car skidded. The earthy smell of dirt rose from its sleep and filled the car. Sara glared at Julia, challenging her to let her go, to let her drive out into the night to rejoin her old, safe life.

  “Be reasonable,” Julia said.

  “Is that the best you can come up with?” Sara asked. “You sound like Grady. Be reasonable, Sara. Don’t make waves, Sara.”

  Julia didn’t back down from Sara’s gaze. In that instant Sara recognized the lawyer part of Julia, that was trained to act calm and in control of the situation.

  Sara put the car in gear again, this time accelerating much slower. They passed a grove of olive trees. For the second time in her life she contemplated running into the middle of the trees, sacrificing herself against their twisted trunks. But she would never hurt Julia. Never. She reached the end of the driveway and stopped. There were no signposts either way.

  “I don’t know what to do,” Sara said, white-knuckling the steering wheel.

  “That’s okay,” Julia said softly. “We’ll figure it out together.”

  Sara lowered her head onto her hands on the steering wheel and quietly began to sob.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  The next morning Julia knocked softly on the door of the guest room. “Can we talk for a minute?” she said from behind the door.

  Sara reached up and touched where her lips had met Julia’s the night before. She traced a path in her mind she had never explored. Her temples throbbed; she felt hung-over. She had not slept. She had played the scene from the night before over and over in her mind. Had she really taken Julia hostage in the car and driven like a maniac into the night?