Part Of The List

by Xavier Neal

  “Stop it,” I command, shutting my eyes tightly. “Shut that off.”

  Emma sighs, “You told Thomas you got jumped on your way to work.”

  He didn’t need to know my father beat the hell out of me as an early Christmas gift. He didn’t need to know how fucked up my family was. How I cowered in fear for having the wrong friends and how my parents constantly argued over his bigotry. How it wasn’t just me he raised his fist to. Thomas didn’t need to know that my grandfather was a member of the Klan and how my father expected us to keep his own bloodline pure. No one needed to be exposed to that. Not when I could prevent it. Not when I was trying so desperately to run away from it.

  “That was the real reason you didn’t ask Kenny out after that kiss.”

  I swallow the lump in my throat.

  “How much did it hurt when you had to lie to her, on her birthday? How much did it hurt when you had to pretend that kiss meant less than it did? When you had to push her away for the millionth time?”

  Our friendship changed drastically after that. I did the best I could to feed us both enough hope to keep things going, but the damage done felt irreversible. Worst part was, I couldn’t even blame her. I could only blame myself.

  “Do you remember how pissed off you were when she started dating Jason about a week later?”

  “I hated them together…”

  “Because he could walk around freely with her. Kiss her whenever he wanted. Touch her in ways you couldn’t. Ways you wanted to be the only one who would. It didn’t matter that you hadn’t saved yourself for her, but you had selfishly been hoping she’d keep her legs closed waiting just for you.”

  My eyes slowly open.

  “And she did,” Emma recalls. “Yeah, she fooled around with him a bit. According to Thomas who overheard her telling it to me. But part of her could never let go of the same hope you had been clutching onto. It didn’t seem to matter how much I pushed her too. And believe me…I pushed.”

  I let my jaw drop. “Why?”

  “Because why should she spend her life pining after you? What kinda way is that to live?” She shakes her head. “As much as I wanted your Romeo and Juliet better ending to happen, I was tired of having a miserable best friend. While she smiled, and wore the face of ‘the happy girlfriend’, I knew the same way I had always known, it was an act. She was waiting, she couldn’t stop waiting for you. You remember overhearing me and Thomas fight about that too? How he kept telling me it was none of my business and how I kept insisting that it was. I mean you guys were our family! Of course it was our business whether or not you stopped all this bullshit and hooked up.” Emma snaps her fingers and a bucket of popcorn appears in her lap. “Speaking of hooking up, let’s see what happened when you finally got that honey out of the jar…”

  The sound of someone groaning turns my attention back to the screen.

  “Can’t believe you’re really letting Emma stay the night.”

  Thomas grunts and leans his hands on the counter. “It was either that or let her stay with that douche she’s been dating. You know how much I hate him. I’d rather know my baby sister is safe on my couch rather than being fucked by some freshman who I swear I saw with his hand down some sorority chick’s shorts last week.”

  I’m actually surprised just how close he’s chosen to stay despite the fact they no longer live under the same roof. They text and he travels home to check on her more often than I’m sure she enjoys. I haven’t seen her since I went home with him for a couple days a few weeks ago. It was good to see his family and a few old high school friends, but I couldn’t wait to get back out of town. When I left for college all that mattered most to me was that I was far away from my piece of shit father. Jessica advised me to break ties with everyone I could from where we grew up and start over completely clean. The less ties and mouths that could get back to our family, the better. So I did. Freedom from everyone but Thomas. We ended up dormmates and now roommates.

  “She’s not coming alone,” Thomas states, dragging my eyes to his. “She’s bringing Kennedy.”

  Just hearing her name flames the ache that’s never disappeared, even if it has managed to dull over the past couple of years. When my mother found out about the beating I took on Kenny’s birthday she begged me to give her up. Swore to me that as much as it would hurt at first, it would eventually fade. That I’d heal and move on. Fall in love with someone new. Someone better. Someone that wouldn’t cause me to be turned into a punching bag. She tried her best to explain how things in life weren’t always right or fair. How they didn’t always make sense. That sometimes…sometimes all you could do was move forward and hope not looking back would pan out in your favor. Not exactly the mom of the year speech, but she did her best all things considered. It’s not like she had it easier living under his tyranny. I found out when Jessica came home for Christmas a few days later, that her senior year, mom had given her a similar speech for a similar reason.

  “You cool with that?” He questions, a hint of mischief in his voice.

  I nod and fold my arms across my chest. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  He gives me a short shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe because you two basically stopped being friends after one kiss?” Thomas playfully tries to poke. “I mean how bad was that kiss?”

  I’d be lying if I said I never thought about that moment. That I haven’t compared every chick I’ve kissed to her since. I’d be lying worse to say they even came close to comparing. At least I’m good at pretending I mean it when they demand to know how good they are.

  I quietly request, “Can we change the subject?”

  Thomas nods just as there’s a knock at the apartment door. He makes his way out of our kitchen and straight for it.

  The moment it’s open, Emma’s voice booms, “What kind of brother doesn’t offer to help his sister with her luggage?!”

  “What kind of sister brings luggage for an overnight visit?” He retorts.

  “The kind that plans for her brother not to show her a boring as shit night!”

  Emma giggles and tosses her arms around her brother. The two of them embrace, exchange quiet words, and have a reunited moment like neither believed they’d actually see each other again. When she pulls back, she steps to the side and allows the face that haunts my dreams to step into the doorway. Instantly my throat constricts, preventing me from doing anything more than gawking. She greets Thomas with a warm hug, almost unaware I’m even in the room.

  Once the two of them are inside, Emma coos, “There’s my other brother. How you been?”

  I attempt to untangle my vocal chords. “Not bad.”

  She hits me with another smile yet it barely registers as my eyes helplessly fall to Kennedy whose body has clearly changed in ways that redirect all blood flow to the wrong head. While she’s still the same pint sized height, her curves have tightened, her tits are fuller, and every portion of her lower half is screaming for my hands to caress it. Though her brown eyes are hidden behind new thinner box framed glasses, they’re still soft and loving. Filled with forgiveness I don’t deserve.

  “Hey Kenny.” The archaic nickname slips from my lips before I have a chance to stop it. “I mean…Kennedy.”

  The corner of her mouth tugs upward. “It’s okay, Bailey. You can call me Kenny. You’re the only one who ever has.”

  I’m the only one who ever should…No. I can’t think like that anymore. I…I have to let her go. If not for my sake than for hers. She shouldn’t have to settle with a guy who's too much of a pussy to stand up for what’s right. A guy too chicken shit to stand up to his father.

  Her smile expands wider and all rational thought dissipates.

  Fuck. I don’t think I can ever completely let her go…

  Suddenly, someone clears their throat, and my mind attempts to drag itself out of the Kenny haze it accidentally fell into.

  “So…You two can share the futon,” Thomas states, pointing to the object in our living room. “Or o
ne of you can sleep there and the other on the couch.” The girls nod and he asks, “How long is it going to take you to get ready? Darrin’s throwing a party and I wanna get over there before I end up on a shitty team for beer pong.”

  Emma snatches up her suitcase from beside the door. “It’s not a real sport, Thomas.”

  “Doesn’t mean there aren’t real losers, Emma.”

  “Kyle loves beer pong too,” she announces.

  “Please, don’t ruin that for me. It’s like one of my favorite things about college.”

  “I don’t get why you don’t like him.”

  “Let’s not pull at that thread soberly,” I invade the conversation before it can turn ugly. “Why don’t you two change and we’ll head out.”

  “Far drive?” Emma questions.

  “Walking. Darrin lives a couple buildings over,” Thomas explains.

  “Yes!” She says victoriously. “Can get drunk as I want.”

  “You’re only 18. You shouldn’t be getting drunk at all,” he scolds.

  “Right…Because when you were 18 you were all sunshine and halos.” She rolls her eyes and demands, “Show me to your bathroom. I need to fix my eyeliner.”

  “This way,” Thomas sighs, leading her towards his side of the apartment. “And you’re not crashing in my room, Em. I mean it. The couch or the futon. No hostile takeover bullshit when you’re half awake and cranky.”

  His voice fades as he disappears around the corner leaving the two of us alone.

  I try to bat away the unnecessary nervousness. With a wave of my hand straight ahead I offer, “You can use my bathroom if you need to. It’s straight through there.”

  Kenny’s face lights up. “You sure? I mean I’ll make it quick. I really just have to pee. Kyle’s bathroom was too disgusting to even walk near.”

  After a small chuckle, I nod, and state, “Yeah. It’s fine. It’s the door closest to the window. It’s not hotel clean but should be useable.”

  She adjusts the bag on her shoulder. “Thanks. I swear I’ll be like super-fast.”

  “Take your time.”

  She gives me another smile of thanks before heading for my room. I tilt my head at the same time my eyes drift down the curve of her ass, jealous of the jeans cupping it. The idea of them on my bedroom floor and her legs wrapped around my waist begins to filter into my mind causing me to adjust my cock.

  Unexpectedly there’s a chuckle, “I fucking saw that.”

  I don’t bother trying to deny it. Instead, I head for the living room where I left my phone and calmly command myself to chill. To breathe. To remember nothing is happening between us. Nothing should ever happen between us. Maybe we’ll spend the night catching up, laughing about old times, share a beer, but that’s where everything has to stop. Things can never be what they once were despite the hint of hope creeping up the back of my neck.

  Thomas joins me in the living room, plopping down on the futon while I stretch out on the couch to watch a rerun of FRIENDS.

  Sooner than expected, Kenny announces, “Ready.”

  I glance over my shoulder to have my jaw immediately floored. Not only has she ditched the jeans and tight t-shirt she was wearing for a mini jean skirt and black lace top, she’s let her straightened hair down and pulled it to one side of her face. Like a punch to the gut, reality hits with the simple truth that the innocent girl who stole my heart six years ago is gone and standing on her grave is the making of something much stronger. Something much too powerful to ignore. For the first time in years the pang in my chest pulses a little less.

  There’s another chuckle out of Thomas, but it’s immediately cut off when Emma prances out of his room in a jean skirt and white halter top, braless. Unlike Kenny who barely has on makeup, she’s dolled herself up to the max and let her newly bleached blonde hair drape down her back.

  “Get a jacket!” He commands.

  “No,” Emma argues, shoving her phone into her pocket. “It’s not that cold outside, plus it would clash.”

  “Fine. A sweater then.”

  “No.”

  Now on his feet, he folds his arms tightly over his chest. “You’re not leaving my fucking apartment like I’m gonna leave you on the corner to help me make rent. Change Em!”

  She mimics his action. “Kyle likes when I dress like this. Says I look hot. I wanna look hot tonight.”

  “I don’t give a shit what you want tonight.”

  “You’re being an asshole.”

  “I’m being your brother.” He grouses and looks away. “And why are your tits trying to come out of that thing? Can’t you at least put on a real shirt?”

  “Kennedy’s got on something similar. I don’t hear you bitching at her,” Emma argues.

  “I can’t see her nipples!” There’s another groan as he shuts his eyes. “I can’t fucking believe I can see my baby sister’s nipples. I can’t believe I keep saying nipples in the same sentence as my sister. God I’m gonna be sick…”

  She huffs. “You’re making me need a cigarette.”

  At that his attention sharply returns to her. “You’re fucking smoking now?”

  The leak of information shifts her eyes elsewhere.

  “You shouldn’t be fucking smoking, Emma!”

  “When the fuck did you join the fun police task force?”

  “Stop fucking cussing!”

  “You first!”

  “Enough!” I bellow and rise to my feet. Stepping into Thomas’ view, I lift my hands in surrender. “Relax. Look, if we were going anywhere else, I’d tell you to force her to change, but it’s just Darrin’s. We basically know everyone who goes over there. We spread the word to stay away from Em, problem solved.”

  Relief starts to sink in when she snaps from behind me, “You’re gonna cock block me for the night?!”

  His voice grumbles again, “My sister just said cock block….She’s never said that shit to me before. This is her dickhead boyfriend’s fault. I’m gonna have to kill him. I’m gonna have to kill Kyle.”

  I battle away the urge to chuckle and repeat, “Relax.”

  “Emma,” Kenny’s voice chimes in. “You love Kyle, remember? So it’s totally fine if your brother runs interference. It’ll help me keep you out of trouble.” I turn around just as she wraps her arms through Emma’s. “Now, let’s go get fucked up and have some fun.”

  Hearing the word out of her mouth tempts my cock to harden again. Getting fucked up sounds like a damn good idea right now, even if I know I shouldn’t. I’m not sure I can stay sane and sober. Something’s gotta give. And right now? My sobriety dissolving is probably the worst idea possible. Lowering the few defensives I have to keep me from dropping to my knees and begging for forgiveness, for us to have another chance, to explain the reasons upon reasons I’ve kept my distance, seems even more dangerous than sending a freshly turned 18 year old loose at college party.

  The party at Darrin’s is as packed as it always is. It’s mostly those of us who live somewhere in the apartment complex. Since his apartment faces away from the main entrance, the main street, and essentially anyone who isn’t college aged, there’s never really an issue of noise or anything else. Somehow he’s managed to master the art of making nice to the right people to keep the cops from being called and kicking us the fuck out before the elderly people wander onto their balconies to drink their morning coffee. While he’s got plenty of room inside, the party always splits into three sections just to accommodate us more comfortably. Anyone new who tags along quickly gets the ‘front of the apartment’ speech, which includes not drinking out there, keeping your voice down, and a story about the bitchy woman whose niece wandered over to Darrin’s party just to get laid by him. He basically made a promise to stay away from her as long as she never ruined another one of his parties.

  After a couple hours of meeting new guys, only to have her brother bully them away, Emma challenges him to a tournament of beer pong while Kenny stands to the side to cheer her on. I’m act
ually surprised she has no interest in playing and not much interest in drinking either. Our interactions throughout the night are friendly and few, mostly consisting of me offering to grab her another drink if she needs it. However, every minute that I don’t give her the explanation for why things fell apart between us becomes harder and harder to deal with. All of a sudden, some guy I barely recognize stops beside her. He says something with a sly smirk and she girlishly giggles, igniting a deeper level of jealousy than I can stomach. I watch intently, as the conversation steers the two of them away from the sibling rivalry towards the empty patio. I ditch the cup I’m clutching and allow my body to drift their direction, determined not to lose sight of them.

  I know I don’t have any right to stalk her like this or intervene with whatever he’s trying to make happen, but fuck it. I can’t help it. It’s like the first instinct in my brain is to love Kenny and deal with the consequences later. The scars on my ribcage are evidence of that.