Revive

by Mary Wasowski

  I had to take a few deep breaths before continuing. I felt as if I was under a microscope with my guys never taking their eyes off me. Tony leaned in closer, and as he and Spinelli were my commands, they obviously knew about Dawson as well and offered to finish for me. I declined and just needed a moment to gather myself. I assured both of them that I was fine and was ready to continue.

  I told everyone, “Sam Dawson wanted to become a firefighter so badly that he concealed the fact that he was one hundred percent deaf in one ear.”

  My guys gasped and were in shock. Dorrado, who was his training officer, slammed his fist down to the table and was visibly angry.

  I settled them down and continued, “I wish I had the answers to your questions, but I don’t. Why did he disregard my order? That question is for Dawson, and he is the only one that can answer it. What I do know is that when I repeatedly called out for him, he did not hear me, and sadly that is on him. He has a forever reminder of his actions yesterday and what led up to his accident. I know you may feel betrayed, but I encourage you to please put your personal feelings aside for the greater good of this house and the solidified brotherhood we have here. Please keep Sam in your prayers, and do what you have always done. You be there for each other, and watch each other’s backs. I will leave you with something my father used to tell me about this job: ‘A hero is a man who is afraid to run away.’ Your feelings are your own, and you have a right to them. What Dawson did was wrong, but he still ran toward the fire instead of the other way. He is our brother, and please keep him in your prayers. Check in with your team leaders for today’s assignments. Dismissed.”

  I held on to the podium for a moment with each of my guys standing up and applauding me. Even in the hardest of times, they needed a leader to not fail them, to stand by and get them through another day.

  I left the meeting room, and Leslie stopped me.

  She said, “Chief Michaelson is in your office. He didn’t want to interrupt your meeting, but be warned, he heard what you said to the guys in there.”

  “Thanks, Leslie, I’ll take it from here.”

  I greeted Michaelson, “Morning, Tom, what can I do for you?”

  “Bartelli, you should have taken the time off as I asked you to do. Secondly, you had no right to say what you said back in there. That was classified information, and it was for your eyes only.”

  “No, you are wrong, and do not stand here and try to convince me otherwise. Those men in there had a right to know why one of their own blatantly disobeyed my orders and recklessly ran straight forward into an explosion. Don’t you see, Tom? My ability as Chief of this house was on the line the moment those tanks exploded and Dawson got hurt. You said it yourself, I need the trust of my men, and if I don’t have it, then how can I effectively do my job and protect the lives of my men and the people we save? I don’t give a rat’s ass about the political bullshit that you have to swim through on a daily basis as District Chief. A long time ago, you made your bed, and I made mine. It’s too late to change now, and I won’t.”

  “Nick, no one asked you to, certainly not me. It’s my job to oversee not just this house but many, and I of all people know what I signed up for when I decided to hang up my helmet. It was like handing over a piece of my soul, but I wasn’t ready to walk away, so I chose this to stay in the game. Believe me, son, one day you will be in my shoes and facing mortality just like the rest of us poor bastards. I will not envy the decision you will have to make because no matter which way you spin it, it sucks. Now, what’s done is done, and I trust you will handle your guys. I came here for another reason.”

  “Sit down. You want a cup of coffee?”

  “Did Tony or Spinelli make it?” he joked.

  I laughed for the first time in two days. Man, they can’t catch a break.

  I responded, “Leslie, my assistant, has a Keurig machine out front.”

  “In that case, I’ll take a cup, black with one sugar.”

  I buzzed Leslie at her desk and asked her to bring in two cups for us. I think she was happy that I was giving her something to do. I knew we were all going to be off for a few days, but I tried my best to bring the house back to normalcy.

  “Nick, I want you to take the rest of the week off, and that’s an order. I have called Roberts in from uptown to fill in for you. It’s just for this week, I promise you. You are in no shape to be here, no matter what you say to convince me otherwise.”

  “Chief, you can’t take my house away from me.”

  “That’s not what I am doing, and you know it. I am protecting your house and you, so stop your overactive mind and take the fucking furlough. It’s done, Nick, and this part of the conversation is over. Roberts is on his way and has been brought up to speed. Hell, he knows every man here and is liked by them. We have no issue here, so don’t make one.”

  “Anything else?” I gnashed my teeth together causing more pain to my jaw and neck.

  “The ironman competition.”

  “What about it?” I asked.

  “You will no longer be joining Spinelli. I will be going in your place.”

  “Anything else you want to take from me, all before nine a.m. in the fucking morning!” I slammed down to my desk and stopped myself from throwing my cup against the wall.

  “It was either that, Nick, or withdraw altogether. Now, where would that have left Spinelli? He has earned his spot and will do a great job representing this house and New York. Here’s his packet. He leaves tomorrow for California. Let’s stay positive that he comes home in victory. Nick, I know you are angry, but it’s for the best. Take this time to rest and heal, not only your neck, but your feelings on all that has happened. Please try. I’ll see myself out.”

  Tony and Spinelli soon came in once Michaelson left my office. I told them what happened and to accept the transition until I returned.

  “It’s not right, Nick! Fuck them and their fake bullshit concerns,” Tony said, trying to raise me up when he knew I was at my lowest.

  “It’s done, and I’m just too tired to argue about it. Spinelli, good luck in Los Angeles. No matter what happens out there, we are proud of you, as well as this city.”

  “Thanks, Nick, that means a lot. I won’t let you down.”

  “I know. Okay, I’m out of here. Keep an eye, Tony?” I asked.

  “Always,” he said as he gave me a half hug, and then I painfully walked out the door.

  Painful, yes, that’s the exact word that was fitting for today. It was that very word that I thought of as I walked with defeat to my truck. My back was against the wall, and my hands were literally tied. I had no recourse at all, not when Michaelson effectively listed the reasons why I needed to take leave this week.

  I didn’t hear her call out to me, my mind was in a dazed fog. When I finally connected the voice, I looked up to see Karen leaning against my truck.

  “Hi,” was all she said barely above a whisper. I said hello in return and then shut-down again.

  “What are you doing here?” I questioned with the hardest tone I could gather, resulting with Karen looking apprehensively down to her hands.

  I know it was a dick move on my part, but I just cannot do this right now. How can she stand there looking all hurt and devastated when I was the injured party in more ways than one?

  I opened the back seat to my truck, threw my gear in, and then slammed the door.

  I said, “I wasn’t expecting you, and I have somewhere I need to be.”

  “It’s okay, Nick. I just wanted to see you, even if it’s only for a minute,” she said.

  I stepped up into my truck, and before I could close the door, she reached for my arm and halted my movements. Not today, I whispered quietly to myself.

  “Please, Nick, one more question and then you can leave.”

  “What is it?” I said as my voice was layered with coldness.

  I was so angry, I wanted to punch myself in the face instead of taking my foul mood out on Karen, but she was pu
shing me, and all I wanted to do was end this futile conversation that I never wanted to begin.

  With a tremble in her voice, she looked up with her big brown eyes and asked, “Are we over?”

  She released my arm, and I slammed my door and pounded the steering wheel with my fists in frustration. So instead of just starting the truck and leaving, I got out and answered her question, but not before asking one of my own.

  I said, “Do you want us to be?”

  “No, of course not. Ending what we have started is the last thing I want for us.”

  “Good, because you are not going to use what happened two days ago to push me away, and neither am I. I told you I needed time and have asked for it more than once. We are not over. It is the last thing I want.”

  I reached for her arms and tugged her forward until her body slammed into my chest, as I said, “We said no more running, and that rule applies to the both of us. I need time, and it is not so farfetched to need it after what I have been through.”

  I crushed my mouth down to Karen’s and felt her lips swell beneath mine. I tore my mouth from hers and rested my forehead against hers until we each caught our breath.

  I whispered, “We are not over, far from it. I love you. I will see you later.”

  She said nothing more and allowed me to pass. I didn’t dare look back at her through my rear-view mirror in fear I would turn right around and kiss her again. She had my mind in a fucked up spiral, and I knew I needed to be calmer than I was right now if I was going to visit Dawson.

  As I stepped off the elevator on the ICU floor of the Burn Unit, Dawson’s doctor was engaged in a conversation with his parents. I kept my distance out of respect until his mother saw me and began calling out for me to join them.

  I didn’t know what I would possibly say to them. “I’m sorry” really doesn’t seem to cut it, but I have to say something. Once she was in reach, his mother launched herself in my arms and thanked me over and over again for saving her son’s life. His father bear-hugged me and told me that he is still a father today because of me.

  For the first time in my life as a firefighter and now Battalion Chief, I felt unworthy. The wild scenarios kept playing on repeat throughout my mind. If I had known before two days ago, I could have prevented what happened to Dawson, but then again, he never disclosed it when he should have. If Tony or Spinelli were here with me now, they would tell me the same thing: I was not responsible for this. Yeah, try telling that to my heart.

  I told them, “Mr. and Mrs. Dawson, I cannot begin to convey how sorry I am about your son. If there is anything I can do, or my house can do for your family, please do not hesitate to ask.”

  His father stepped in front of his wife and gave me another hug as he said, “You saved our boy. He will have a long recovery, but he is alive. At the end of the day, that is all his mother and I care about. He is our only child. Thank you, Chief Bartelli. May God always bless you.”

  “Sir, would you mind if I go in for a few minutes to sit with him?”

  “Of course, please go on in. He was sleeping earlier, but hopefully should be awake now.”

  “Thank you, sir.”

  His parents left to go grab some lunch, leaving me alone with their son. I grabbed a chair to sit beside him. I held his hand in mine and began reciting a prayer.

  His body jerked awake, and the eye that was not covered in bandages found me. He tried to say something to me but struggled to speak. I stopped him, and he let out a grunt.

  I said, “Please, Sam, you don’t have to say anything.”

  He pulled his hand away from me and made a fist that he used to hit the mattress. He cleared his throat and then grabbed my hand again. He had so much strength and had the ability to tug me closer to him. Once I was there, he whispered two words to me: “I’m sorry.”

  He struggled to talk, but I raised my hand to stop him from continuing.

  “Dawson, please try not to talk.”

  “I have to, Chief. I’m sorry for lying. I ju…” he coughed hard and then managed to finish what he was trying to tell me. “…wanted to be like you.”

  “I’m so sorry, Sam. Listen, I don’t want to tire you out. I just wanted to come by and tell you that we are all praying for you and will keep you in our prayers.”

  “Thanks, Chief.”

  After I left the hospital, I drove around the city with no destination in sight. I didn’t want to go home yet, and I knew my mom would want to talk. I wasn’t ready to, especially after another emotional day. And then there was Karen. What the hell was I doing?

  Without another thought, I turned my truck around and drove over to Karen’s house. As I was getting out, a dark figure stepped out from the bushes and began walking toward me. All I had was my two fists, and back in my fighting days, they beat the hell out of many.

  “Who’s there?” I called out and was ready to launch my attack when he pulled down his hood and revealed himself.

  It was Alex Mancini, Karen’s ex-husband.

  I shouted, “What the fuck do you think you are doing? And lurking outside in front of Karen’s home? You’re lucky I wasn’t carrying my gun, or you would be bleeding out on the pavement by now.”

  “Listen, Nick, I don’t want any trouble. I just want to talk to you.”

  “And you thought the best place to do that would be here in front of Karen’s home? Try again, Alex, because I’m not buying the bullshit you are trying to sell me.”

  “Okay, okay. I was hoping to see my girls, but Karen got them in the house so quickly, I didn’t have time to even call out for them.”

  I said, “Yeah, maybe she had the feeling that she was being watched and protected her girls once again from the danger that could harm them.”

  “Are you trying to piss me off, Nick? I haven’t done anything wrong here, and all I am trying to do is make a bad situation better.”

  “Yeah? And how’s that Alex? You are a loser. You were a fuck-up back when we were teenagers, and clearly you haven’t learned a damned thing to make your adult life better. You abandoned Karen, Gigi, and Trinity, and when they are finally picking up the broken pieces of their lives, here you are back again. They don’t need you, Alex, so back the fuck off.”

  “So, you the man now Nick? You’re Karen’s guy? Okay, I get it. She’s beautiful and totally fuckable, I can see how you would be attracted to a woman like that. Damn, maybe before I took off, I should have at least banged her one more time.”

  The rage that I felt after hearing her piece of shit for an ex-husband speak in the vile manner made me insane. I charged him as fast as I could and grabbed him by his neck, tossing him easily onto the hood of my truck. He slid over to the other side, where I grabbed him again and began punching him with all that I had.

  I yelled, “You piece of shit! If you ever come near Karen and these girls again, I will fucking kill you!”

  I dropped him like a rag doll, and then that’s where I made my mistake. He played dirty, always did. He jumped me from behind and dug his fingers into the wound on my neck, causing me to cry out in shrieking pain. I felt wetness run down the side of my neck, and then he got one good punch into the side of my head before I could gain my composure. I fell to my knees, and everything began to spin. I was on the ground and felt a hard kick to the side of my head.

  “This is my family, Nick! They are mine, and you cannot have them! Fuck you!” he shouted, and with his parting words, he delivered the last blow, and my world went dark.

  Fuck! My head hurts, and what is that beeping sound? My eyes felt heavy, and it was difficult to open them. On top of my head being used as a punching bag, my ribs hurt like a bitch. My entire body hurt. I couldn’t move my neck when I tried to. I realized my neck was being held in place with a brace of some kind. Am I paralyzed? What did that animal do to me?

  What I did know was the warmth of her hands touching mine. They were small and soft and had to belong to Karen. I knew I heard her voice and her pleas of asking me to wake
up and come back to her. How long have I been here? I tried to get myself to wake, but I was exhausted and sleep took me again.

  “Nick, baby? Please wake up. It’s been too many days since I have heard your voice, and I really need to hear you now. Your mother is here, practically the whole city of New York firefighters have been here. So many people love you, Nick, and are waiting for you to wake up. Please come back to me. I need you. I love you. Please, please, wake up.”

  I’m trying baby, I’m trying, I thought I was saying aloud. And just when I thought hope was lost, I felt this overpowering force of nature hit me like a bolt of lightning.

  I heard my father’s voice, and he was willing me to wake up. Was it my sub-conscious playing tricks on me? Or was it really my father? My mother once explained to me that she had smelled a campfire smell after we lost my father on 9/11. My dad never kept his gear in the house, and my mother was an air freshener fanatic. There would be no possible way our home would smell like smoke, but she swore she smelled it and said it was my father making his way home. I never teased her about it and told her that I did believe her. She said it was only once, but it was a feeling of peace that she will never forget.

  And now? It’s happening to me. I never saw an image, but what did happen was magical. I heard his voice. He said the very same quote I said to my guys: “A hero is a man who is afraid to run away. Nick, you need to wake up and be one for Karen. She needs you, son. You have to wake up.”

  My eyes blinked open at that moment, and the most beautiful brown eyes were crying over me.

  “Oh, thank God! You’re awake. I love you so much, Nick. I’ll be right back. I have to get your mom and doctor,” Karen squealed.

  She kissed me gently on my lips and ran out the door. I heard her shout for the doctor, and I fought to stay awake. My mother burst through my room with her rosary wrapped around her wrist. She was thanking God for saving my life, and I really didn’t understand too much after that due to her crying.