Memory: Volume 1, Lasting Impressions, A Tale of Pride and Prejudice (Memory: A Tale of Pride and Prejudice)

by Wells, Linda

  Mrs. Gardiner took his hand. “I am so sorry for this to have happened, but I will not allow your aunt or your cousin to ruin what has so much promise.” The women departed and he was left alone, watching them make their way down the street and finally disappear through the park’s gate. He sat down to continue his vigil and startled when he heard a soft “oh.”

  “Miss Bennet.” He stood and bowed.

  She looked at his back, not the straight broad stance of a strong man, but bowed and old. Noticing the dark circles and his reddened eyes, she guessed that something terrible had occurred. “Mr. Darcy, may I find Lizzy for you?”

  “She is in the park; her aunts have gone to find her.” He returned to the window.

  Jane was confused, but continued to be his hostess. “May I get you some wine, sir? You seem in need of relief.”

  “I will be relieved when I speak to your sister.” He said shortly then stopped. “Forgive me, it has been a difficult day, you do not deserve my ire.”

  “I understand, sir.” She sat down and bit her lip, and thought to distract him from his misery. “My sister spoke of you this morning.”

  He turned to regard her, and she gathered her courage to talk. “She was telling me that Mr. Harwick is unsure of my suitability to be his wife and that I need to make more of an effort.” He continued to stare, not refuting her statement. “She said that unlike you, who she knows loves her so deeply,” He blinked as his eyes became bright; “Mr. Harwick is not blinded by emotion, and will not hesitate to reject me if I or my family does not meet his needs.” She took a breath. “Would you agree with that, sir?”

  “I cannot disagree with it, Miss Bennet.” He said honestly.

  “Does a man want to see his object display sentiment?”

  “A man would like to know how he fares.”

  “And what if the woman does not feel any?”

  “Then the couple must decide if they wish for a partnership of convenience without regret.” He said simply. “Is it duty and security that drives them or are they willing to sacrifice in the hope of finding more?”

  “What are you sacrificing to accept my sister, Mr. Darcy?”

  “In my eyes, I only gain. In society’s eyes, I am a fool.”

  Darcy noticed movement outside of the window and saw Elizabeth approaching the house at great speed, far outstripping the ladies. He was up and on his feet and at the front door when it flew open. She stopped and stared up at him, saying nothing at all while she took in every detail of his face. She noted his eyes, bleary from lack of sleep and puffy from tears, the black circles below stood out shockingly dark against his pale skin. His lips were dry and bitten, undoubtedly in agitation, and his hands were twisting nervously together, making his bowed shoulders bend deeper with the burden of his worry. She remembered this man. She had seen him before. At that time she had no idea what weighed him down, only knowing that she wished to relieve his suffering and make him laugh, and as she grew to understand what her instincts meant, to love him.

  Darcy drew a deep breath, looking into the red eyes of the woman he adored, read the pain and anger that was there, saw her fear, and drew his courage together to offer her his hand. He kept it extended for what felt like an eternity, while she continued her silent examination. His eyes focussed on hers, but finally when he felt that his prayers would be refused, they dropped, along with his hand. Elizabeth caught it before it went to his side, and she was instantly in his arms, tight to his chest, her ear pressed against his pounding heart and her neck pillowing his face while they both sobbed with relief.

  “Forgive me.” He spoke softly and kissed her neck. “Please Elizabeth, I did not mean to hurt you, I did not know, I truly did not know. I would never betray us.”

  “I know that Fitzwilliam, I do.” Elizabeth looked up to him and kissed his wet cheeks while he caressed away her tears. “I …am glad that my aunt told me first.”

  He nodded. “What did she say?”

  Elizabeth let go and held his hand in hers. “Let us go and be private, and you can tell me what you were going to say.”

  “But … what if I …”

  “Say something different?” She smiled a little and leaned into him while he kissed her hand. “I am the only one who will ever know, and I love you for telling me at all. You did not have to ever say a word, my love. I asked you for respect. This is what I have received from you today.”

  Darcy drew a shaky breath and holding her waist, walked down the narrow hallway to the sitting room in the back of the house. He escorted her to a sofa then turned to close the door, meeting the eyes of his aunt as he did. He mouthed, “Thank you,” then let the latch click. Elizabeth moved on the seat, showing him that he was welcome at her side and he sat, holding her hand and staring at how small it was within his palm. He swallowed and began. “I woke when my face was slapped. I discovered that the woman I dreamed I was kissing was in fact my cousin.”

  “She slapped you? Why?” Elizabeth asked with an edge to her voice.

  “I was calling your name and she objected.” He continued in a soft voice. “I immediately left the bed and she followed, continuing to press herself to me, and that is when I came to understand that she thought we were married and about to … consummate.” He was greeted with silence. “I tried everything I could to discourage her, and pushed her away. She continued to press me and I … eventually convinced her to retire to her room.” He stopped and felt his hand squeezed. “I had a footman guard the door and spent the night in my study. I have ordered that the bedclothes be discarded and the room cleaned. I …I thought that if you still wish to marry me, we could go and select some new furnishings. I will not sleep there again without you.”

  Elizabeth remained silent for several very long minutes until he finally looked up to her eyes. She lifted her hand and caressed his face. “Where did she strike you?”

  He moved her hand over his cheek and she touched him gently. “Do you have any questions?”

  “I understand that you have cut your ties to them.”

  “Yes. I will never welcome them to my home again.”

  “Is that fair to your cousin? She is ill.”

  “She has the potential to be violent, and I fear what she might do to you. I will not risk that, and my aunt does not deserve my notice after her deceit.” Darcy kissed her palm and held it in his hands. “Surely you do not want them in our home, if you will still have me.”

  “No, but it is a serious decision to make. I want you to have no regrets.” She saw his nod and smiled a little. “And before you ask again, yes Fitzwilliam, I will still have you. I love you.”

  “Thank you dearest, I love you.” He let go of her hand and drew her to his chest, kissed her forehead and rested his cheek in her hair. “May I ask you a favour?”

  “Another? Besides my generous forgiveness?”

  Darcy kissed her again and smiled a little to hear her tease. “I think that I would like you to think of a new name to call me.” Elizabeth had been rubbing his back soothingly and her hand stilled.

  “She ruined that for us?” She said angrily when he nodded. “Any feelings of sympathy I had for her are gone.” Darcy held her tighter as she sighed, drew her legs up and curled into his arms. “Let me think about this.”

  “Take all the time in the world.” He whispered.

  Lord Matlock consulted his watch and glanced around the room. “It has been a half hour, should we at least see if they are alive?”

  Mr. Gardiner stood and moved to the doorway. “Well, I suppose this is my duty.” Walking across the house he reached the closed door. He paused to listen and heard nothing within. Knocking, he turned the handle and looked inside to see Darcy’s eyes closed, his cheek resting on Elizabeth’s shoulder and her body encapsulated in his arms, and deeply asleep. Meeting Elizabeth’s gaze for a moment, her eyes closed and she snuggled against his chest. Mr. Gardiner hesitated, unsure what to do, then leaving the door cracked open, left them alone.


  Chapter 21

  The squalling sound of a baby and children’s laughter filtered into Darcy’s consciousness as he slowly began to wake from the deep exhaustion that seemed to permeate every part of his body. He blinked open his eyes to find that he was in the familiar confines of the Gardiner’s back sitting room, and Mr. Gardiner himself was dozing in a chair, an open book resting over his stomach. Movement caught his eye and he just saw Jane’s blonde hair disappearing from the partially opened door. Looking down to the woman in his arms, he tightened his embrace, and kissed her forehead whispering, “I love you, Elizabeth.”She took a deep breath and smiled, then looked up to the blue eyes regarding her so seriously. She touched his cheek and gladly welcomed the gentle caress of his lips, then feeling his need for more, encouraged his loving kiss as his tongue tenderly fondled hers. “I love you, Fitzwilliam.” Seeing him cringe with the sound of his name, she shook her head, stroking back the hair that fell over his brow as he looked down at her. “I will not allow the memory of your nightmare to take your name from me. Fitzwilliam, Fitzwilliam, I will say it over and over until the only voice you hear is mine. Fitzwilliam, it rolls off of my tongue, it is music to me. It comforts me. Fitzwilliam, I love you, my Fitzwilliam.”

  “Dearest Elizabeth.” He sighed and hugged her to him. “Thank you.”

  They stayed silently embraced until Mr. Gardiner snored himself awake. He blinked and looked up to see that they were smiling at him. “Well,” He cleared his throat and sat up, “Good afternoon.”

  Elizabeth laughed from her nest in Darcy’s arms. “Where has the day gone?”

  “Indeed.” Mr. Gardiner raised his brows and looked at Darcy pointedly. “Sir, while under the circumstances we were willing to overlook the incredible breach in propriety …”

  “Uncle, please let him hold me.”

  “No, I understand.” Darcy let her go reluctantly and sat up, only to find his hands immediately held. He smiled at her a little. “I think that we have more to discuss, I believe that my exhaustion interrupted our conversation.”

  “Perhaps you might take a meal first? Your aunt and uncle departed for their home a few hours ago, and were going to send your coach back for you this evening.” Mr. Gardiner stood and stretched. “You may have time afterwards to speak privately again.” He noticed the couple exchanging glances and laughed. “Do not deny that your limbs could use some movement.”

  Darcy nodded when Elizabeth’s eyes sparkled at him, and said softly, “Very well, I cannot lie.” She extracted herself from his side and awkwardly stood, then held out her hands to help him to his feet. Darcy groaned while she laughed and hugged her again when Mr. Gardiner left. “A sofa is not the ideal resting place.”

  “No, it is not, but it did well in a pinch.”

  “Hmm, yes.” He played with the tendrils of hair around her face. “Will you help me purchase our new furnishings?”

  “I have never purchased furniture; I think it would be a great adventure.” Elizabeth smiled to see his amusement. “Do you not realize that everything you do with me is an adventure?”

  “I can only echo that sentiment, my love.” He squeezed her tight. “Thank you for not rejecting me today. I know that it would not be difficult to believe that I had encouraged what happened.”

  “Fitzwilliam, would it also not be difficult to believe the worst of me, that I would have accepted you regardless because of your wealth?” His brow knit and she ran her hand over it, smoothing the skin. “You see, you are as incapable as I to believe such mercenary tendencies. I do not want you for your income any more than you want the opportunity to take advantage of an uninvited visitor to your bed.”

  “We are trusting souls.”

  “With each other, anyway.” She smiled and watched as his gaze drifted from her eyes to her mouth, then felt her heart start to pound when his kiss touched her lips gently. Soon they gave in to their need for reassurance.

  “I am having such a hard time holding back from you, Elizabeth.” He murmured before kissing her again. Moving his mouth to her ear, he ran his hands down her back to touch her bottom and back up to encircle her body. “You are forever on my mind.”

  Elizabeth rested her head on his shoulder and pressed against him as his kisses down her throat electrified her senses. “I spent the last hours resisting sleep because I could not stop thinking of how much I love being in my Fitzwilliam’s arms.”

  “I love how that sounds on your tongue. Thank you for ignoring my plea, and most of all, thank you for accepting me.” He kissed her mouth again before hearing a throat clearing in the hallway, then pressed his lips to her ear. “I think that your uncle’s patience is at an end.”

  “July seems much too far away.”

  “Perhaps we should reevaluate our wedding date, my love.” He saw her eyes light up with the idea and felt his sadness lift a little. “I think that some decisions must be made.”

  2 JUNE 1809

  Now that a few days have passed, Fitzwilliam has recovered his humour somewhat. He remains deeply hurt by what happened, but will not speak more of it. He unburdened his soul, was reassured of my devotion, and he wishes to move ahead. I think that he has a tendency to bury sadness and thrust himself into activity to distract his mind. We are alike in that, so visiting the Chippendale showroom and selecting fabrics for the master suite was our main occupation. I imagine that it will only be when we are alone, truly alone and married that he will reveal secrets that he keeps hidden. It is not just the violation that disturbs him, I think that it is the callous treatment he received from his aunt, and to be manipulated by a person he trusted as family to achieve her own ends.

  I see a parallel with Mama in that behaviour. She wished for Jane and me to be out years before we should have been, and that was to rescue her in the event of Papa’s death. The element of good in her behaviour was superseded by the callous way that her desires were carried out. Jane, my dear sister, has become jealous and spiteful because Mama told her repeatedly that her beauty was all that was needed to do her duty to save the family by her marriage, and has found that all Mama told her was wrong. Now I, the supposedly ugly girl who wasted her time in self-education will marry a rich man for love, and will automatically save the family that day. Everything that Jane has been raised to do is dashed, and I wonder if she is confused over just what she is supposed to be now.

  Mr. Harwick called yesterday afternoon, and said he would be unable to join us at the Derby, citing the excuse that his sister would be arriving. I hope that is truly the case, and that he is not becoming discouraged. He is a good kind man, and I think that they might do well together if Jane would be the sweet girl I knew, and he would open his heart again. But with no encouragement from her, why should he try further? In the end it is between them. I know that she is unhappy with me for not telling her exactly why Fitzwilliam was so upset, and why our aunt and uncle allowed us to sleep in each other’s arms. She seems to be lost in thought quite often, but says nothing to me of it. I wish that I felt I could trust her, I miss going to her to talk, but I cannot, I do not know this girl. How did I become the elder sister and she the petulant youth?

  “SO.” FITZWILLIAM APPEARED at the study door and leaned against the frame for a moment before entering and shutting it behind him.

  Darcy looked up from where he was writing in his journal, and leaned back in his chair. “So.” He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, and opened them to see his cousin smiling at him with his head cocked.

  “Scribbling away in that blasted book again, I see?” He noted and saw Darcy’s little smile as he looked down. “Does it mend your soul?”

  “It helps me to see things clearly, or perhaps lets me look back and see how I have grown as a result.” He shrugged and indicated a chair to his cousin. “I am endlessly grateful to your parents.”

  “They do have their uses.” Fitzwilliam laughed and then sobered. “Father told me the unedited version of the evening. I hope that you do not mind.”r />
  “No, I expected he would share it with you. Layton as well, this was family.” Darcy’s hands twisted and Fitzwilliam’s eyes did not miss the nervous reaction.

  “Interesting.” He stood and went to pour them each a glass of port. “A woman is treated as you were and she is compromised, barely escaping from a terrible fate, violated, perhaps forced to marry her attacker …a man on the other hand is viewed as a fool to miss the opportunity.” Turning around he handed Darcy his portion and sat down. “Are you sleeping?”

  “No, not well. Only that afternoon at the Gardiners, and I am afraid that was over far too soon.”

  “Well you did have an irreplaceable comforter. How is she?”

  Darcy swirled the untouched liquid in his glass. “She is angry and hurt, but fortunately it is not directed at me. If I had spoken to her first, I do not know if that would be the case.” He sighed and took a sip. “I have told her of my …past experience.”

  “And how on earth, no strike that, why on earth did you broach that subject?” Fitzwilliam leaned forward to try and read his expression.

  “It was a compelling need to be completely honest with her. I know, you think that I am an idiot.” Darcy stared into his glass.

  “I do, what was your past has no bearing on what you live now, and for an innocent girl, who has no true knowledge of what happens …”

  “So I hurt her by telling my truth?” Darcy closed his eyes and ran his hand over his face. “We were in the mistress’s chambers, Georgiana and Audrey were downstairs, I was showing Elizabeth the redecoration that I had ordered, and it just happened.”

  “Without provocation?” Richard asked with a smile. “You just blurted out the news that you spent time visiting the highest quality brothels in London and the continent?”

  “You make it sound as if I was there nightly, and you know full well that is not true.” Darcy said bitterly. “Do not make me feel worse than she did when she asked if it was servants or women she would someday be forced to meet. That questioning made me feel like the lowest scum.”