Finding Jaime

by Dawn, P.

  “What the fuck? Seriously?” I throw my head back and laugh. Hi, and welcome back to the Jaime show. “Do you hear yourself? I can’t help who I am no more than you can!”

  Her eyes bulge, and her fists clench tightly. “You chose to be this way, not me. You choose to lie with another woman.”

  “When did you choose to be straight, Mom?” I ask her and look at my dad. He says nothing but turns to my mom for her answer. I can’t believe that he’s not standing up for me while she spouts her religious shit at me.

  “I was born to love a man,” she spits.

  “Then don’t you see how fucking stupid you sound? You don’t choose to be, you just are! You choose your clothes, your hairstyle, not the person inside!”

  “It’s a sin!” she shrieks.

  I scan my mom and note everything that’s ‘wrong’ with her. “Your jewelry is a sin. Your poly-cotton blend shirt is a sin, your fucking tattoo that you got in high school is a sin!” she gasps, but I continue on my roll. “You even had sex before marriage…and not with my father! So do you want to step outside so I can fucking stone you to death?”

  She clutches at the gold crucifix around her neck. “Jaime!”

  “Can we please calm down?” my dad asks, his sorrowful eyes pleading with us, but I’m too far gone to give a shit.

  “You’re a fucking hypocrite, Mom. Just because you don’t like something, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. You love mayonnaise, but I wouldn’t stop you from eating it just because I hate it.”

  “It’s not the same.”

  “You have your tastes, and I have mine. That’s all it is, plain and simple, Mom. What does it say in the bible? Oh yeah, do unto others as you would do unto yourself.” I shake my head. “You sinned the second you opened your bigoted mouth. I’ll always remember this day as the one my mother showed her true nature, and that is something I’ll never forget…or forgive.”

  I rush out and up to my room to grab my suitcase. I don’t even turn back as I walk out of the house, slamming the door behind me, leaving my mother red-faced and my dad upset. I don’t want to hurt inside, but the knife twists violently in my chest. He never stood up for me when she threw her bitter words in my face. Nothing in this world could get me close to understanding how any parent could stand by and watch their only child be torn down, especially by their other parent. My dad is supposed to take care of me, but seeing him not speaking up is tearing my heart in two.

  I want to run to the one person who understands me, the one who I know for certain will be there for me. But no matter how much I need her right now, she also betrayed me.

  But I can’t stop thinking how I feel about her.

  I throw my suitcase into my car and start the engine. I check in my rearview mirror, but nobody is watching me from the house. My heart is breaking apart, and my chest is constricting with pent up fury. I don’t know whether I’m more pissed at my parents for treating me that way, or myself for allowing it to go on for all this time.

  I pull out my phone and hit the screen for the voicemail and go into my deleted messages.

  “Jaime, I’m sorry. You have to believe me when I say I didn’t want to keep anything from you.’ Her voice hitches as she speaks. ‘I hope you can forgive me. Just…call me.”

  I have to face Joss and let her explain herself, but first I’m going to make her feel everything she did to me.

  “Get ready, Joss. I’m coming for you and you’re going to pay.”

  Chapter 18

  There’s no way I’m going to give Joss any power over me tonight. She’s had enough control; it’s time I got some back. My ‘fuck-it’ attitude dances for joy when I bring up her name on my phone to send her a message.

  ‘You want to explain? Fine, you can explain. Come over now. I won’t wait for you.’

  No sooner do I close the screen, when it lights up again with her name standing out on the front.

  ‘I’ll be there in ten minutes. Don’t go anywhere.’

  I shower quickly and dress in a loose, red, mid-thigh skirt and a plain white tank. I open my closet and reach into the bottom and pull out my small chest that contains my new kink supplies. I set out my chosen objects with a satisfied smile. With Sadie over at Mitch’s tonight, I have the place to myself, and plenty of time to see my plans through.

  There’s a light knock at the door and adrenaline floods through me, soaring through my veins and making every tiny hair stand on end. The part of me that wants Joss is also scared, but my logical side is still furious and has only been made worse by the fucking disownment of my family.

  But what they did isn’t Joss’ fault.

  I take a breath and walk out of my room to the front door. I turn the handle and open the door wide. I try to hide the catch in my breath at seeing Joss standing there, wearing a long tan-colored trench coat. I look down and see the style of shoes she wears in House.

  She takes a step towards me. “Jaime—”

  “Does your mom know you left?” I ask, wondering what she’s wearing underneath. You’ll find out soon enough.

  “Yes.” Joss looks around the hallway. “Can I come in?”

  I step away from the door and begin to walk through the living room to my bedroom. “Lock the door after you,” I say and leave it at that, wondering if she’s going to have the balls to follow me.

  I sit on my bed, but I don’t wait long. I can hear the sound of her thin heels clicking on the wooden floor getting closer.

  “Close the door,” I say, turning to her.

  Her long hair is loose and casts dark shadows across her face making her blue eyes stand out against the glow of the lamp. She bites her lower lip into her mouth, and I watch her for second before turning away.

  I stand when her eyes flick to my items of choice. “Take off your coat.” She stares at me, and I raise an eyebrow. “Well?”

  Joss swallows and loosens the belt at the waist, then pops each of the five buttons. I watch as she opens the coat out and lets it slide down her arms, revealing the same outfit she wore the day I met her as Butterfly. In this light, I see how the shade of purple in the stripes matches my rope and cuffs.

  “Jaime, I need to tell you why—”

  “Lie on the bed.” I’m not ready to hear what she has to say. I want her exposed like I was when I opened up to her. I want her to feel exactly how I felt when I thought I was confiding my secrets to somebody who had no idea who I was.

  “What?”

  I point to my bed. “Lie. Down. You want to tell me why you lied to me? Then you need to do as I ask first.”

  “I didn’t lie, Jaime,” she says, her eyes misting.

  “You’re still talking.”

  Joss’ eyes flick from me to the bed and back to me. Her chest rises when she takes a deep breath and takes a careful step away from me and to the other side of the bed. I watch her as she moves, her hands fidgeting in front of her. After removing her shoes, she kneels on the bed and makes her way to the center, on top of my fresh purple covers—strangely matching her outfit—and she moves her hair to the side as she rests her head on the white pillow. Her breathing is now shallow and rushed. I feel like shit, but I need to get my point across to her. I need to make her understand.

  “Move your hands out.”

  Without hesitation, Joss spreads her arms wide. Her eyes watch carefully as I pick up the cuffs off my desk. Her tongue darts out across her lower lip, and a burst of arousal hits me low down in my core. I ignore it and focus on my task. I take her left wrist in my hand, and her eyes widen when I wrap the cuff around and fasten the buckle. I take a length of rope and thread it through the loop. I make a basic tie and secure her wrist to my bedpost.

  “What are you doing?”

  I ignore her question and walk around the bed to repeat the same on the other side.

  “Jai—”

  “I’m going to take off your clothes. Do you object?” I wait for her reply as she stares at me. I’d never do that without her permission, b
ut just cuffing her hasn’t satisfied my burning need.

  “You have my permission, Jaime,” she whispers. “Whatever you need, I allow it.” Joss eyes my crop and swallows hard. “Anything, but I need to explain.”

  “Shh”—I press my finger to her lips—“not yet.”

  Seeing her chest rise and fall with anticipation is turning me on. Never would I ever have thought I would be in this situation with anybody, let alone Joss. Just taking away her control, preparing her for what I have in store, is so fucking sexy I can feel the heat between my legs increasing with every passing second. Her pleading eyes are dark; her pupils dilated making the azure of her iris disappear into a thin band around the blackness.

  I move my hands to her corset, and I work the top clasp free. Her breathing hitches, her tits shiver with the movement, and I concentrate on my fingers—resisting the urge to run my hands over her round orbs. I continue releasing each claps of her bodice until I reach the last one. I pop it and open the panels, exposing her. I swallow the saliva pooling in my mouth from witnessing the tightness of her peaks, just begging to be pinched. Her back arches when I tug on the fabric, and yank it out from underneath her.

  Maybe I’m into this kink more than I thought?

  My throat is like sandpaper, the desperation to quench my thirst becoming unbearable. I’m not giving up, I can’t. I’ve gone too far to stop. I find the concealed zipper at the side of her skirt, and I pull down. I want to reach inside and feel if this is turning her on as much as me. My clit is throbbing, the dampness beginning to leak through the fabric of my thong.

  Joss lifts her hips and rubs her thighs together as I slide her skirt under her ass and down her long legs until it’s free. My hand trembles when I reach out to the tiny scrap of purple intricate lace covering her pussy.

  Joss’ ragged breaths are audible in the silence, and even though I have her under my control, she nods her head when I run my finger over the waistband. This is the first time I’ve seen her in this light, and without her mask, and I’m amazed that I’m not disturbed at what I’m doing to her. My whole body is tense, and if I don’t carry out with what I planned, there’s a chance I’ll come to my senses and stop.

  I keep my eyes on my hands and work the last piece of her dignity over her feet and drop them to the floor. I look up to the newly uncovered area decorated with a small strip of neat hairs.

  Not yet, Jaime. Make her wait—make her feel what you felt.

  I listen to my thoughts and agree. I take an ankle and repeat the restraints on her wrists. I stand back and observe the woman on my bed, the same woman who made me feel alive, made me see myself for who I am, spread out and bare.

  Now it begins.

  I let my gaze move painfully up her sun-kissed skin until I meet her concerned, yet dark eyes. “How do you feel?”

  “Vulnerable, exposed, powerless…”

  I let my smile spread lazily. “That’s how you made me feel at the club. I had no control over my body there.” The gates are opening in my chest, threatening to spill everything at once. “When I saw you after, you knew exactly who I was, and that was the ultimate control over me. I opened myself to you, and I was more vulnerable there with you than any other time in my fucking life.

  “You could’ve told me at any fucking time, Joss. You could’ve admitted that you knew me, and we could’ve saved all of this from happening. But no. I felt shitty at using you to explore my sexuality when it was you who used me, and you had the audacity to lecture me on it.”

  Joss screws her eyes shut and a tear escapes. “I wasn’t certain you liked me that way!” she cries. “Jaime, I wanted to make sure you were comfortable in your own skin before I told you. I wanted to tell you how I felt from the moment we met, but you seemed attracted to men. I didn’t have a chance with you so when I had the opportunity, yeah I took it, and no, I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry because the night you walked into that club and was made aware of what it was, you knew what you wanted.” Joss pants from her sudden allowance to speak, and I agree.

  “You’re right, I did. I wanted you, but the girl there made me feel good about myself. She showed me how I could let go and just be me.” I pick up my crop and lightly tap it in my palm.

  She never made anything clear when she was being herself!

  Didn’t she…Jaime?

  My warring thoughts show me how much I didn’t see because I was too wrapped up in what was going on with myself, that I couldn’t see what was in front of me. The awkward hugs, the looks, the hidden messages. Fuck, she was hinting all along, and I never figured it out!

  “She’s me, Jaime.” Joss’ soft voice, the same one I’d heard over and over in House, cuts into my thoughts and hits me square in the chest. “I’m that girl, but I couldn’t be myself in public because I didn’t want to startle you. I wanted you to be certain before I put myself out there. Jaime, do you remember what I said about using me?”

  I do remember, and I don’t understand the relevance. “Yeah?”

  “I was with a girl in college, and she used me to experiment. I never doubted who I was, but she made me feel like I was a joke, that I could be used in that way for her own games. Now you see why I never said anything?”

  My anger bubbles up, and I raise the crop over her. I gently tap the tip on her nipple, and she moans, the sound exciting my senses. I like this a hell of a lot, and I want more.

  “So you thought I’d use you because I wasn’t satisfied sexually? That I would do something like that?”

  “I didn’t want to use you!” she yells, and I pause above her other nipple. “I had to hear you talk about your shitty sex, and I’d heard those stories so many times in my life, I could’ve told you right then that you were looking in the wrong place. But it wasn’t for me to tell you that. So I sat back and watched you with other men, and I hated it. So when you came into the club, I knew it was the only way I could get you to open up and be yourself.”

  “You did all of that for me?” My insides plummet, my anger simmering for now. Her reasons make perfect fucking sense, and I know if the tables were turned, I would do the same for her. I tap her nipple, and she squirms. I look down and see her juices trickle.

  Joss squirms against the restraints, her tits wobble, and her stomach muscles tense. “It hurt so much to see you confused and hiding away under your tough shell and smart mouth. I just wanted to be with you, Jaime, the way you should be. You have to know I didn’t intend to go that far. I planned to just get you to admit it out loud before I came clean, but I couldn’t stop myself the second you kissed me.”

  See? She tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t let her.

  Fuck my thoughts and my stupid ass ignorance. It’s time to set things in motion, to finish this thing tonight, and start fresh in the morning.

  I stroke the crop carefully down her stomach and reach her glistening pussy. I tap the end over her clit; her head flies back, and she screams. I press the flat end harder against it and wiggle it about, stimulating her.

  “Oh God!” she cries.

  I see the wetness sliding down, dripping off of her and my mouth dries up more than ever. I throw my crop to the side and climb onto the bed. Her spread legs gives me the best angle of her reddened folds. I press against her with my index finger and stroke over her clit, teasing it in a circle.

  “Jai—” Tears trickle out of her eyes.

  “Shh.”

  I continue to play with her exposed pussy and allow my finger to circle her hole. I look up into her eyes. Her pupils are large; her skin is flushed and damp with perspiration. I don’t break eye contact as I slip inside of her. It’s so warm and wet, the walls contract around my finger and liquid coats me. I imagine how I like it, and I mimic the action. I turn my palm upwards and add another finger. I find the soft, spongy spot inside and run my fingers over the rippled surface.

  Joss’ back arches and she pulls harder against the restraints, but they hold her tight.

  “I don’t think so,
Joss,” I chuckle. “You’re going to come, and I’m going to watch as you do.”

  Her slick walls squeeze my fingers. “Please, Jaime. Oh God, I’m right there.”

  I want to make her come, but knowing how much this is turning both of us on, I decide I want to be cruel. I want to take away all of her control, so I stop and withdraw my soaked fingers.

  “No, please Jaime,” she weeps. Her hips buck up and down.

  My fingers are covered in her juices. I bring my hand to my mouth and lick the tips. Her sweet flavor bursts on my tongue, and I suck my fingers into my mouth, salivating with hunger.

  “God, you taste good” I moan. I stare down at her glistening slit, and I place my hands on her thighs to get closer. I can smell her sweet arousal, and I want it in my mouth. Without pause, I lean closer and close my lips around her nub, sucking the tight bud and juices into my mouth. I flick my tongue over the hard bud and release it with a pop. Joss squirms frantically against the cuffs, crying out and saying my name over and over.

  I place the tip of my tongue at her opening and push inside before lazily licking up between her swollen folds. Up and down, again and again, alternating between licking and sucking. I rub her clit with my fingers as I gorge on her.

  “Jaime, Jaime!”

  She pushes her hips up on my face, but I don’t let her get off. No, I want it too, and my own pussy is throbbing with pain.

  “What are you doing?” she asks when I stand above her. I shed my clothing and underwear, and her eyes zero in on the dampness caused by owning her.

  “I want it,” she breathes, lifting her head off the pillow. “Let me taste you.”

  “No,” I reply. “I’m going to get off, and so are you, but these are my rules, and I say how this goes.”

  She groans, and her nipples look as though they’re going to burst. I kneel between her legs and bend over to take her tits into my hands. They’re soft and delicious, and I want her nipples raw. I press soft kisses over her chest and down between her heavy globes. I lick the cleavage and then swirl my tongue around and around until I reach a tight peak. I flick my tongue over the end then close my mouth around it while massaging her.