Whatever it was she either hears in my tone or sees on my face, stops her – she concedes with the nod of her head. But then she turns her back to Luke, so she’s fully facing me.
“You’re the best,” I whisper to her.
“Duh. Of course, I am.” She has a huge smile on her face. I walk towards her and give her a huge bear hug, making her laugh as I do.
“Oh God Moy, you can stop now!” I do as she asks and let her go. She doesn’t let me move very far as she pulls me into a gentler hug, whispering into my ear as she does.
“Call if you need me. Please don’t let him hurt you again.” The pleading in her tone makes me wonder yet again if having Luke here is the right idea. She lets go of me, turns toward Luke and speaks to him next.
“You’re on thin ice Mister. One more strike and you’re out!” Then she leaves, leaving Luke looking bewildered as to what has just happened.
“Sabine has that effect on people, she usually leaves them speechless.” I can’t help but smile as I say it. Sabine’s usually really nice to people, in fact, the only person I’ve ever seen her being rude to is my father and he really is an ass.
“I deserved that, thank you for giving me a chance to explain things,” Luke says, but he sounds so unsure of himself. He looks uncomfortable. It’s weird, I’ve never seen him like this. Usually, he’s confident in who he is. He has suave and swagger.
“It's okay, do you want anything to drink?” My manners kick in, better than standing in this awkwardness.
“No thanks.”
I’m so uncomfortable. We were never like this; we use to be so free around each other. Hell, we didn’t even have to talk before, sitting watching television would suffice. Now it feels forced, I don’t like it.
“Can we sit and talk? You deserve to know the truth.” He’s still very hesitant, and I hate it. I turn and walk into the sitting room and sit on the sofa, he follows behind and sits on the chair. It feels like we're a million miles away from each other.
How did we go from being so close to acting like complete strangers?
“I first have to apologize for the way things ended between us.”
I lift my legs up onto the sofa and cross them, so I’m sitting cross-legged. I really don’t want to think about the past six weeks. My heart hurts when I do, tears prick my eyes when I think about how we left things.
“You don’t need to apologize.”
How that came out sounding normal, I’ll never know. My throat feels as though it’s closing as my nose stings, it’s a sign that I’m close to crying. I’m right when I say he doesn’t need to apologize. What has he got to be sorry for, he doesn’t love me, and he can’t give me a proper relationship?
“Let me speak, without any interruptions. Please?” The pleading in his tone is unmistakable, and I just nod agreeing to his plea of not interrupting. I place my hands together and wait for him to speak.
Chapter Seven
Luke
I look over at Morgan, she looks gorgeous, nervous but gorgeous. I hate that I’m making her feel nervous, but I knew it wouldn’t be the same as it was before. I waited too long, and I just hope that I haven’t lost her. Before I even ask about us starting a proper relationship, I need to tell her why I acted the way I did. I need to explain why I let the woman I love leave without a second glance. I need to explain why I waited so long to come and tell her. I have so much to explain, and I thank God that Morgan is giving me the chance to do just that.
I take a deep breath and start trying to explain all the messed up shit in my life. “I was adopted, but you know that. Steven and Lydia, adopted me when I was a newborn, my mother was an unwed pregnant teenager. Scott has asked me on many occasions about why I don’t want to meet her, and I haven’t ever been honest with him. I did meet her, I met her when I was eighteen. Lydia and Steven were very thorough, they kept all the documentation, so I found my birth mothers name - Lucy Edwards, and it didn’t take much longer to actually find her.”
I take a minute to gather myself, thinking of that day still stings. I look over at Morgan and see she’s enthralled.
“I went to her house the same day I found her address. I froze once I parked. I just sat there watching her house. I wasn’t surprised to see she had children. I understand she was young when she had me. So, her moving on made sense, you know?” Morgan nods agreeing with me.
“So, after about an hour of just sitting in my car watching, I finally got the courage to approach her. Anyway, long story short. She’s a bitch.”
“Wh--? How? Why?” Morgan struggles to get the words out, and I smile.
“Sorry, what happened?”
“She told me that I was a mistake, that only for the fact that her parents are pro-life she would have gotten rid of me. She told me that she has spent the past eighteen years trying to forget I ever existed. She told me that she didn’t want me around her family, she didn’t want me to taint them.”
“That evil bitch! How dare she? Who the hell does that bitch think she is? What about your birth father? Did you ever find him?” Her hands flying around as she splutters her outrage.
“She told me that she doesn’t know who my father is. She said that she went out to a bar one night and met a guy, they had sex, and nine months later I was born. She never got his name and never bothered to find him. I don’t know how true that is with her having me at eighteen, but I have no way of knowing.”
I try to say this with as little emotion as I can, hoping that Morgan doesn’t pick up on the hurt that it caused.
“Wow, she’s a real piece of work. Thank God you were adopted by good people. You of all people know that we make our own way in life, that we are not who our parents are, but who we want to be. We both have seen that in our line of work, those who want to be better do better.”
I look at her; I mean really look at her. I see the pain in her eyes, and I know what she’s saying hits a lot closer to home for the both of us.
“What I mean is, it doesn’t matter who your father is. You have turned into one of the most respected members of society. You love your family and are a great friend.” She shakes her head as if she’s scolding herself for rambling.
“Thank you. And you're right and wrong.” She raises her eyebrow as I say this.
“You're right that my birth parents had nothing to do with how I turned out. But my parents did. Lydia and Steven did everything for us. They were, are the best parents. We were fortunate to have them.”
“I don’t mean to be insensitive but why are you telling me this?” She sounds so unsure of herself like she shouldn’t have asked the question.
“I know it’s not making any sense at the moment, but I thought you should know everything about me. What I’m about to tell you next is probably the worst time of my life.” Telling her about Alex, I hope Morgan understands where I was coming from the day she told me she loved me.
“You don’t have to explain anything.” She’s different from what I expected. I thought she’d want to know.
“I don’t want you to have to talk about something that is painful” She shrugs what she says off as if it doesn’t mean anything. It actually means a lot, it’s the reason why I want to tell her.
“It’s okay. It happened a long time ago. It’s time for me to tell you about Alex.”
I watch as her eyes narrow. “Who’s Alex?” Her tone is full of hurt and anger. Fuck, I didn’t want to hurt her again. I look at her face, and it looks as though she wants to cry.
“About five years ago I met this woman, well girl really, she was eighteen, and we hit it off right away. We would always go to her place, and she would never come to mine. I never really thought much about it. We had been seeing each other for about ten months, maybe eleven, I honestly can’t remember. I was twenty-seven. I know that I was a lot older than her, but I’m not going to lie to you, I thought I was in love with her.” She looks as though someone just broke her heart, and yet again I feel like a complete asshole.
She quickly masks her face, and I know that she is pulling away. She is shutting down.
“What happened?” Her voice is void of emotion. Hearing her speak to me that way is like a stab in the heart. She has finally given up.
“She finally decided to come to my place, Scott was working on a case, he had told me that he wouldn’t be back for at least another day. Anyway, my little brother came home to find us together. Turns out Alex was playing us both. She was fucking my little brother at the same time.” I can’t keep the hatred out of my voice. I don’t think there is anyone in this world I hate more than Alex Anderson.
“What?” Morgan says, and I see that her voice is no longer void of emotion, in fact, she is finding it hard to keep it in check, and she is enraged.
“You’re not serious? Who the hell does that? What a fucking bitch.”
Damn, I think she may be even angrier than I was when I found out.
“Where is she?” I start laughing, she’s all geared up to take her down.
“Morgs baby. She isn’t around anymore. So, you know I told you that we’re all adopted?” She nods, confusion evident on her face. She hasn’t got a clue where I am going with this.
“Turns out Alex, had a plan all along. She is Sophia’s biological sister. Alex was born after Soph came to live with us. She wanted to get back at Soph for leaving her. The only way to hurt Soph is to hurt those that she loves. Hence why she came after us. She didn’t hurt Soph because as far as I know, Soph doesn’t know that she even exists.” She looks like she’s about to blow, she looks that angry.
“Why on earth would anyone do that? How the hell do you even come up with that idea? Damn, that girl has some issues. I can’t believe that you didn’t tell your sister the truth? If it were me, I’d hate you for keeping it from me. I would have preferred you to have told me from the beginning, but that is just me. Maybe Sophia is different. So, you got screwed over by this Alex woman, pardon the pun. What has that got to do with me?” I know she isn’t being bitchy when she says it. She is naturally curious, and I don’t blame her.
I sigh, I know that she’s going to think I’m mental when I tell her. “The reason I’m telling you is that that bitch had left a mark on me. I honestly didn’t think that I would ever settle down and have a relationship like my parents had, or my sister has. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to get hurt again. In fact, I made it my mission to steer away from women that had ‘serious’ stamped all over them, women like you.”
Shit that came out totally wrong.
“Women like me?”
Yep, definitely, the wrong thing to say. Shit, at least she has her sassiness back.
“That came out wrong. Look what I meant, was that you’re the woman a guy takes one look at and knows that you are the forever type of woman, you’d want the house, the white picket fence, and the kids. I didn’t even know that I could even want that, I didn’t think I could let myself have that. I didn’t know what I wanted.” She nods, and I breathe a sigh of relief. She understands what I was trying to say.
“So, you have no idea what you want?” She asks, and an alarm starts going off in my head telling me that I should tread carefully, but I don’t understand it.
What? I need to nip that idea in the bud.
“No, that’s not what I meant.”
She stands up and what she says next, makes me regret not listening to the alarm in my head. “What the hell are you doing here Luke? You don’t know what you want, so you don’t know if you want a relationship with me? I’m sick of this. I can’t keep doing this. Do you know how much it hurt, walking out of your house or you out of mine after we had sex? That is what you wanted. Casual. You told me that the first time we had sex. I had enough that’s why I left. Six weeks Luke, six fucking weeks of no contact and all of a sudden you’re here, why?”
Fuck, how did this get so bad? I thought I was doing the right thing explaining everything to her.
“Morgan, please listen to me!” I’m pleading with her, and I watch as the tears start falling down her face. She isn’t listening to me.
Morgan walks away from me and into her bedroom, leaving me wondering where the hell this all came from? I can’t believe I caused this. I follow her only to have a shoe thrown at me. Luckily, I dodge out of the way and watch as Morgan walks to her chair that faces the window, she sits here some nights, when things are too much, and she can’t get her brain to shut out everything she has seen.
“Morgan, what’s going on?”
She scoffs and laughs, but it’s a sarcastic laugh. “What’s going on? Here I thought that you had actually decided that you wanted to be with me. I don’t get what you’re doing here Luke? Is it to watch me cry? Fuck! Sabine was right. I shouldn’t have got my hopes up. But hey, it’s okay I’m used to it.” She’s being sarcastic as well as being condescending, how the hell do women get all that into one tone?
I look around her bedroom and not for the first time, I feel like I’m home, that I belong here. The walls are painted in a taupe color, all except one, the wall behind her headboard is wallpapered in a black and red stripe. If you were to describe this room to me, I’d have thought it would look crap, but it works and looks amazing. Her king size bed is unbelievably comfortable, and she has normal bed covers, no girly shit. The floor is wooden, with a huge rug underneath the bed, that matches the walls in color.
I walk over to the bed and sit on it so that I’m just behind her. “Morgan. Fuck. I’m not leaving. I hope you know that. I can’t. You mean something to me and I’m fighting for it.” I’m being serious. If she wants me to leave then she is going to have to call the boys in blue.
“Fucking hell. Why can’t you leave me alone? What have I done to you to cause you to hate me this much?” I don’t know if that bit was aimed at me or God, as she has her head looking at the ceiling. I hate this Morgan. She is resigned. It pisses me off, even though I’m the one that caused it. I fucking hate it.
“Look at me, Morgan.” I wait, and she doesn’t.
“Morgan. Look at me!” This time I growl it to her. Still nothing.
“Morgan. Look. At. Me.” I bite out, pronouncing each word. That works, she stares at me, but I know that she isn’t really seeing me.
“Morgan. You are not and never have been my whore. I may have treated you like that, but I have never thought of you like that.” I watch as she rolls her eyes.
“You think if I hated you, that I would have told you everything there is to know about me?”
She starts laughing. “Told me everything? Hell Luke, I just found out that you were in love before. I just found out that you have no idea what you want and that includes being with me, so save the bullshit yeah.”
Jesus. How the hell do I get through to her?
“What do you want from me, Luke? I can’t keep doing this. It isn’t fair.” She sounds as though she’s given up on me again - on us.
“You, what I want is you,” I tell her loudly and watch as her eyes narrow. I’m not letting her get away, no way.
“And why exactly is that? Because I’m an easy lay? Why Luke?” Tears are streaming down her face, she looks defeated. This isn’t the woman I know. The woman I know is a pitbull, she is so composed and ferocious. The woman I know kicks ass and takes names, nothing can get her down. Yet here she is crying. And that is down to me.
Fuck me I have had enough. I can’t stand the tears. I stand, and she watches me, her face falls, it’s like she thinks I’m going to leave. She isn’t listening to me. “Because I can’t live without you,” I shout at her, and I’m breathing hard, my chest is rising and falling fast. Her face falls and fuck me I finally got her to listen to me.
“I can’t live without you Morgan. I know that when I think of you with someone else, I want to find them and kill them.” She raises her eyebrow but luckily doesn’t say anything.
“You mean a lot to me Morgan, and I can’t let that go.” My tone is pleading, I need her to believe me.
She
fidgets on her chair and then turns fully to face me and sighs. “I don’t mean to be a bitch, but Luke, that’s all well and good, you telling me that you can’t live without me. But I can’t live with no love, and you can’t give that to me.” Her tears are still streaming down her face, and I want them to stop.
“I thought I was in love with Alex, but I know that I wasn’t. My feelings for you Morgan, they are so intense, and they are different. When I was with Alex, I didn’t see a future with her. I wasn’t even upset that we broke up. I was pissed that she betrayed my brother and played us both. With you, fuck I can’t see anything but being with you.” She still looks sad, and I don’t know what else I can do.
“You are all I want, Morgan, and I swear to you that it’s the truth!”
God, she’s killing me slowly.
“What do you need from me to prove it?”
I watch as it finally sinks in, that I want her. I never realized that she has such low self-esteem. How can she be so confident in so many ways and be so unsure of herself in others? She stands up from the chair, the tears are still streaming down her face. She slowly walks towards me, and I think I stop breathing. It feels like an eternity before she reaches me, her hand reaches up and caresses my cheek.
“Do you love me?” It’s a quiet question almost as if it’s a whisper.
“What the hell do you think I’ve been saying for the past twenty minutes?”
What the hell is wrong with her?
“You’ve said you want me, you’ve said that you can’t see anything but being with me. So, what I want to know Luke, is do you love me?” She’s still caressing my cheek, her eyes are still wet, her lips look soft, and her nose is red. She looks beautiful, and I’m a stupid fuck.
“So, do you?” So unsure of herself. We need to work on that.
“Yes, I love you! Damn Morgan, I love the fuck out of you.” She giggles and I lean down and kiss those soft lips, I feel the vibration of her giggle on her lips. I keep the kiss quick as I want to finish this discussion with her.
“I love you too.” The sheer joy in her eyes makes me smile. Hearing those words makes my heart soar. I feel like a sap, but I’m glad. I hope now that I can have the type of relationship my parents had and what my sister has with her fiancée.
Deadly Past Page 7