“Hello, Deepak, this is Vaishali. I heard all that you just said, and–”
“Vaishali, hold on, let me put you both on speakerphone. I have Sheetal, Roshni’s roommate, here, and she is in it with you all. I want her to hear you as well.”
“Hello, Vaishali and Vivek,” Sheetal greeted Deepak’s friends.
“Hello, Sheetal.”
“Okay, did I not tell you, Deepak, winning her will not be easy. She is a strong woman. She is very devastated, and it may take you some time to build your relationship,” Vaishali reiterated.
In the car, Sheetal nodded her head and looked at Deepak. Both Sheetal and Vaishali agreed; it was easier for them to understand Roshni’s feelings.
Vaishali continued, “It’s possible that she is swaying between her emotions; part of her is ready to accept you, but part of her feels inhibited. She just needs to blurt out everything she has against you…probably yell at you, shout at you, vent all her anger and frustrations against you, and this may be the answer to the situation now.”
Deepak and Sheetal agreed while Vaishali talked. Interestingly Deepak, Sheetal and now Vaishali…all three came to the same conclusion. This was an assurance to Deepak, but the question remained – how could he instigate her to vent her feelings?
“Thanks, Vaishali, Sheetal and I were talking about this a few minutes ago before your call. It is reassuring that all of us are thinking alike, so the question is how can I provoke her, make her so upset that she will vent her rage. Roshni is so composed and mature. In such situations, she just walks away, not talking much, and addresses the situation when I’m calm. How am I going to get her so angry?”
“This is great news, Deepak bhaiya. She has become upset with you, and both of you now know how to deal with each other. This is a remarkable improvement in your relationship. I am so happy.” Vaishali’s words uplifted Deepak.
“But the question remains, how am I going to get her angry?”
“Just pick a fight with her, Deepak,” said Sheetal.
“What? I can’t do that.”
“Well, you have to. I don’t think you have a choice,” Vaishali said.
“Deepak, it doesn’t matter, just find a reason. You can do this.” Vivek also tried to motivate Deepak.
“Oh boy, fighting and arguing with Roshni. I don’t think I can do this.”
“Deepak, you said things to her when you should not have, and now, you need to say some rude things to her so she can blurt out her anger at you,” Vivek said.
“That’s what I’m challenged with now. I will have to think about this.” Deepak was in a dilemma.
“You need to do this soon; you are running out of time, Deepak,” said Vaishali and Vivek.
“I know, well, Sheetal is here, and both of us will think about this. Okay, Vivek and Vaishali, thank you for all the support; it means a lot to me. We’ve arrived at the apartment, and we need to go. Talk to you all soon.”
“Okay, I’ll call you in a few days; hopefully, we’ll hear some good news,” Vivek said.
~ ~ ~
Roshni was so happy to see Sheetal; they hugged and enquired about each other.
“So nice to see you, Roshni. I missed you all.”
“Same here, Sheetal. How are aai and baba doing?” asked Roshni.
“They are doing well. They send their regards to you.”
“Sheetal, did you have a good Dashera and Diwali?”
“Yes, I did. Aai sent some sweets and savories.” She unpacked her bag and gave them the sweets and savories.
Deepak saw besan laddus and said, “OOOOO, besan laddus, thank you, Sheetal” He grabbed one laddu and tried to feed Roshni, but she refused and he ate it himself.
“Deepak, you’ve been eating nothing but sweets for the last few days. I think you should control this; it’s not good to eat so many sweets,” Roshni said, looking at Deepak.
Sheetal smiled. She was happy to hear this from Roshni. She glanced at Deepak and smiled, appreciating this development.
“It’s okay, Roshni. It’s only because of Diwali.”
Roshni looked at him. “Yeah, right, but there is a limit to it. Can you not control yourself?”
“That is my weakness; what can I do?” He moved closer to her. “Maybe you can change this habit! What do you say?” he smirked and winked at her.
Sheetal thoroughly enjoyed this tidbit of conversation. Roshni stared at him and pushed him away and went into the kitchen.
“Deepak, I like this improvement in your relationship, very nice,” Sheetal said to Deepak.
Deepak smiled, and Sheetal went to her room to unpack.
~ ~ ~
November 24th
Deepak’s phone rang first thing in the morning. Roshni woke up, startled. She opened her eyes to check the time. It was 7 a.m., and she wondered who it could be. Deepak was fast asleep, and Roshni leaned over Deepak and picked up the phone.
“Hello.”
“Hello, Roshni bete,” said Sashank bhaiya.
“Sashank bhaiya, you! Is everything all right? Why are you calling this early in the morning?” Roshni asked him.
“Roshni, give the phone to Deepak, please.”
“He’s still sleeping, bhaiya. Is it urgent? Do you want me to wake him up, or can I take a message?”
“Wake him up!” was his response.
Roshni was concerned and raised her eyebrows with a question. What could it be?
She woke up Deepak and gave the phone to him, signaling that it was Sashank bhaiya. Deepak lay in the bed and took the phone from Roshni.
“Hello, Sashank bhaiya.”
“Happy birthday, Deepak. I wanted to wish you first thing in the morning.”
Deepak sat on the bed. “Thank you, bhaiya, it is so nice to receive your blessings.”
Roshni was all confused. Why is Deepak thanking him?
“May God bless you, Deepak, with a long, healthy life,” Sashank repeated and blessed Deepak.
“Thank you, bhaiya.”
Kusum came on the phone next, and Roshni guessed it…it was Deepak’s birthday. Then Akash, and Roshni listened to all the family wishing Deepak birthday wishes. He asked Deepak if he had any plans for the day, and Deepak had to think. Both hung up. Roshni hadn’t known of Deepak’s birthday before this call!
Slowly she got out of bed and turned sideways to face him. “Deepak, happy birthday!”
Deepak stared into her eyes. “Thanks, Roshni.”
Obviously he was expecting much more than this…maybe a hug and a kiss! None of this happened. She quietly walked towards the bathroom, and Deepak got out of bed, disappointed. He walked to the balcony and looked around. The sun was making its way above the horizon. He saw people already on the streets, walking hurriedly to their destinations. The carts with vegetables were rolled by hawkers shouting.
Deepak stood there, watching all this. The thought of provoking Roshni to vent her feelings was still on his mind. He rubbed his palms a few times and brought them to his cheeks, feeling the warmth his body generated, and made a determination – he had to provoke Roshni. A great hope sparkled in his eyes, and hopefully this was it!
Roshni slowly walked towards the kitchen on her crutches, and Deepak followed her. Roshni was pretty quiet, not indulging in any conversation. Sheetal was up, and she was excited because Akash was arriving. She was technically supposed to go back to work on Monday, but lied to Roshni and Deepak that she had to work on Friday. She pretended not to know of Deepak’s birthday and joined them in the kitchen for chai. All three were at the table, enjoying chai and a very casual conversation with Sheetal sharing news from Poona.
“Sheetal, I heard Akash visited you and your family in Poona. How did that go?” asked Roshni.
Sheetal was taken aback at this question. How did she know of this? Regardless, she continued to tell Roshni and Deepak how both of them attended Ravi Shankar’s workshop and his discourse and that Akash met her parents.
Roshni listened intently.
“And Sheetal, what did aai and baba think of Akash?”
Sheetal was confused at this question and so was Deepak. Then he remembered the comment she had made earlier – “Akash may have found a girl for himself” – and wondered if that girl was Sheetal.
Very casually he asked, “Why do you ask this question, Roshni?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “Because Akash had never met people like this on his own, so I wondered how he managed and how Sheetal’s parents reacted.”
“Everything went well. I think they liked Akash, and he was very open and friendly with them,” was her response.
Roshni and Deepak stared at each other at this statement. Both understood what the other thought; this was how much their relationship had grown. They could read each other’s minds in and out.
“I’m glad they liked him.”
Before Roshni could ask any more questions about Akash, Sheetal excused herself and left on the pretext of going to the office. Deepak glanced over the newspaper when Roshni slowly got up and went to Sheetal’s room and asked her to bring a cake since it was Deepak’s birthday. After some discussion, both agreed that chocolate cake was a good idea. They agreed to cut the cake before dinner, and if all went well, they’d take Deepak out to a restaurant of his choice.
Deepak noticed Roshni limping her way back into the kitchen. “Roshni, relax, what do you have to do in the kitchen?”
“I’m checking what vegetables I have so I can plan for lunch.”
“We have time for that, Roshni, come relax.”
Roshni was not in a mood to sit and relax; she continued on with what she was doing.
Deepak felt completely ignored. “Roshni, I said something to you. Why don’t you come and sit here for a while? You can always cook later,” he repeated.
“It’s already 10 a.m., and by the time I get ready and start to cook, it will be lunchtime. So please let me do these things slowly.”
“Roshni, don’t worry!” He came closer to her and held her gently by the shoulders. “How about you and I go out to lunch today – a lunch date,” he asked.
Roshni shrugged her shoulders. “No, I want to cook something for you. It’s your birthday. Let’s go out for dinner. Sheetal can also join us.”
Deepak got a little irritated. “Sheetal! Why Sheetal? I mean…I want us to go out. I want to spend time with you. We can always go out with Sheetal later.”
Roshni noticed that Deepak was not happy at this suggestion. “Deepak, Sheetal is also a good friend, and what’s the problem if she joined us for dinner.”
“Yeah, she’s a friend, and you are my wife. I want to spend time with you, not her.”
This back and forth conversation continued, and Roshni became irritated at what Deepak said about their relationship.
She carried a bag of emotions – anger, frustration, hate, insecurity – and these had been suppressed in her for a long time. All the suppressed emotions were boiling and brimming to the surface. It was just a matter of time before she would explode on him.
Fortunately for Deepak, he had become aware to this fact and knew that the day she vented these feelings, she would surrender to him, or so he hoped. And he looked for opportunities to provoke her. He needed strength and in anticipation, he was preparing himself for this outburst.
Over the last few weeks he had been with her, whether she admitted it or not, she certainly felt the intimacy with him. He became everything to her; especially he evoked the ‘wife’ feelings in her. Her ego prevented her from accepting him, but she knew she belonged to him and he belonged to her. As his wife, she felt that she had all rights to him; this was a wonderful twist in her relationship with him. But her ego prohibited her from accepting him as her husband.
“Deepak, enough, please. We’ve discussed this enough. It would be better if we don’t talk anymore about our relationship,” she blurted very angrily at him.
She turned to walk away from him when he quickly grabbed her hand and pulled her to him. Roshni was angry and pushed away his hand, but he held her tightly, and she was upset. She pulled herself away and spoke very loudly and angrily.
“Deepak, what are you doing? I have told you several times before that it is hard for me to believe you. Yes, I am very grateful to you for coming and helping me out in the last few weeks; this has certainly helped me gain some respect for you, but…but…I…my feelings for you – forget it. You just don’t understand, do you!”
All her emotions played havoc on her. They had been shuttered in her for too long and had to be let out. “I moved away from Mumbai to be alone here, to be out of your life, away from your family, and here you are again. Why? Why are you with me? Why don’t you go your way, find somebody else, leave me…leave me alone, just go away,” she yelled.
Deepak, who had listened patiently until now, was angry, frustrated, and he started to yell at her.
“Yeah, right…‘leave me alone’. Who do you think you are? Yes, I humiliated you, insulted you, but I have apologized to you several times. Which part don’t you get? I came here because I regretted what I did. I started to have feelings for you, and without my knowledge, I started loving you, loving you so much that I could not stay away from you. The guilt was there…but I wanted to make it up, make it up by spending time with you, by convincing you that I made a big blunder in my life by not accepting you immediately. I wanted to prove to you that I do love you and there is nobody else in my life, convince you that you mean a lot to me, but no matter what I did or said, you never listened to me, never forgave me. What more should I do to convince you? Tell me! I decided to come here, and as soon as I land here, I find out about your accident. Do you even realize what I had to go through to get here, to see you were safe?”
He looked at her and continued, “Roshni, I regret what happened, but I love you and want to spend my life with you; however, if you still feel that I am not the person you want to spend your life with, if you are not ready to accept me, then that’s fine. I have always respected you as a person and for all the wonderful qualities you have, but this is something else. I think you have become stubborn and your ego has taken over. You don’t want to compromise! This is not the Roshni I know. Why are you behaving like this? You want to be left alone, so be it. I will leave you. I will check for any flights for tonight or tomorrow and leave you by yourself. I will go away never to come back. Maybe that will make you happy.” He said what he had to say and walked out of the house, slamming the door behind him.
Roshni cried; she could not control her tears. She gradually pulled herself to a sofa and landed there, crying. After a few minutes, she regained control of herself.
Her introspection began. “Why did I have to start all this, especially on his birthday? Is this a gift I gave him?” She felt very guilty, and the past came back to her of when Deepak celebrated her birthday: how he was present at her work; how he tricked her and bought gifts for her, which she very blatantly refused; how much it must have upset him! Oh! How he had organized a surprise birthday party for her. Her thoughts moved on to his telephone conversations, so caring and loving, he certainly made sure he never wounded her again. Then her thoughts moved to the recent past when he’d arrived from the US…only to see her injured, and how he spent time caring for her and bore all her tantrums. All these reflections made her cry. This was necessary for her cleansing.
The comment he made, “you have become stubborn and your ego has taken over,” kept ringing in her ears.
Was it really her ego that prevented her from getting closer to him? Had she become so stubborn that she was not ready to forgive him? She loved him as much as he loved her, her heart longed to be with him, she enjoyed being touched by him, she waited eagerly to talk to him, and she’d begun to like everything about him…then why? Why this inhibition? What prevented her?
What had she achieved by offending him on his birthday? She was a very caring person herself, and how…why…what happened to her that she behaved so insanely with him. All
he asked her was to go out to lunch with him. Couldn’t she fulfill this simple request of his? He had done so much for her…left his job and was here in India. He did not have to…but he did. This relationship meant a lot to him; he wanted to continue with her. Which part of this was she not able to see?
Several questions bothered her.
Finally she affirmed that Deepak was right. It was no longer her esteem or self-respect, it was her ego that took over her completely. She was never such a type of person, then why was she behaving like this? She needed to fix this – fix this immediately. She had to apologize to him for behaving so insanely on his birthday and ruining it for him. She wiped her tears and got up from the sofa. It was already 1 p.m., and Deepak had not returned. Regardless, she decided to prepare a good lunch for him and apologize to him after he arrived.
~ ~ ~
Deepak was angry and walked out of the house. He took a long walk, and when he felt tired, he went into a café to have some coffee.
During this long walk, his introspection began.
He should not have said so many things to her. He knew she was still upset with him. Something in her inhibited her from accepting him. He was aware of her not venting out her feelings, and…and suddenly he smiled to himself.
“Yes, yes! I think this is it! She blurted out things at me and cried…maybe this is what she needed. I hope this made her feel better.”
He could not stop thinking of her – how much he wanted to be with her, to console her at this time, to hug her and pacify her! She’d fought this struggle all by herself, and now again she was by herself.
Part of him wanted to go back home to her, but her words pricked him, “Leave me alone, go away,” and that was exactly what he did. With all these thoughts, he was ready to leave the café when he noticed an internet café inside. A good time to look for air tickets to Mumbai. Should he go to Mumbai, or should he stay here? He was in a dilemma. He found out that all flights to Mumbai that day were booked; the earliest he could go was the next day. He wanted to call Sheetal and tell her but decided not to. This was between Roshni and him. He should not be talking about this to others; Roshni would not approve.
Love after Marriage Page 38