Raw Deal (Beauty for Ashes: Book One)

by Dayo Benson

  “What did they say?”

  “That you didn’t seem to understand what they wanted at first, but that you were very keen.”

  “Right.”

  “Well, I’ll sort out your flight and everything and call you back.”

  “Thanks.” I hung up. My modeling was another reason I couldn’t have a baby. I got out of the car and slammed the door shut. I looked up at the sky for a moment. Someone or something up there was testing me, trying to tip me over the edge of despair, but I wasn’t giving in. I still had control in this situation.

  Carl was home. He met me at the door livid that I had taken his car without his permission. He bombarded me with questions about where I’d been and who I’d been with.

  “I went to see the nurse,” I said wearily. I went to the kitchen and put two slices of bread in the toaster. I hadn’t eaten all day, and I was starving. “And I went to the mall after.”

  “What did the nurse say?” Carl asked.

  “I’m pregnant.” Carl was quiet, so I turned to look at him. “I can’t believe it Carl. I’m really shocked.”

  He was still quiet. We waited in silence until my toast popped up. Carl took the peanut butter out of the fridge and spread it for me. “How do you know you’re pregnant?”

  “I’ve taken four tests.”

  “I can’t believe it.”

  “Neither can I.”

  Carl handed me my toast. He placed a hand on my stomach. “Wow. You’re pregnant.”

  “I know. It’s crazy.”

  When I finished the toast, I went to the bedroom and Googled pregnancy. I needed to see if there was a way I could work out how far pregnant I was. There were thousands of pregnancy websites. I clicked the first one and managed to work out that I was five weeks pregnant and that I was due in October.

  ***

  The next night, Carl booked a table at Cuba de Loca so that we could go and talk about my pregnancy over dinner. I now wished I hadn’t told him. I wished I’d just gone and gotten rid of it without him ever knowing.

  I ordered Rosé, and Carl looked at me like I was nuts. “You’re pregnant.”

  I changed my order to water.

  Carl interlinked his fingers with mine. “You’re not happy about this baby, are you?”

  “No.”

  “But it’s there, and we have to deal with that. I want you to keep it.”

  I frowned. “Are you kidding?”

  “No. I’ve thought it over since you told me, and I think we should keep it.”

  I hadn’t expected this from Carl at all. I’d thought this dinner was a forum to discuss the abortion and the how much it cost and when I was going to have it.

  “Lexi, I really want us to do the right thing.”

  “The right thing for who?” Having a baby was definitely not going to be the right thing for me or for my modeling career.

  Carl squeezed my hand. “Please Lexi. I can only offer my opinion. I know the final decision is yours, but please keep it. I promise I’ll be there for you both.”

  “But it means we have to tell my mom and your mom and dad. And what about college? I don’t want to drop out.”

  “You don’t have to. I made some enquiries at the student center today, which we can discuss later. Also, I’ve been thinking about us moving off campus so that you can be more comfortable. And I’ve been thinking about all the things we have to buy for the baby.”

  “Whoa, hold up, Carl. Do you realize what we’re getting ourselves into if we go ahead with this?”

  “Yes, I thought about it all night and all of today.”

  I shut my eyes briefly, trying to take in the fact that I was actually pregnant and now my boyfriend was saying I should keep it. I was only eighteen. Call me antiquated, but I’d always thought I’d save the whole child-bearing thing until I was married.

  The next morning, I canceled my appointment at the abortion clinic. I still didn’t want the baby, but I was starting to consider keeping it. I placed a hand on my stomach as I cut across campus to the library to print out the week’s class handouts so that I could catch up.

  That afternoon, I went home. I needed to be away from Carl and consider what I really wanted and what was best for me right now. If I had a baby how would my life change? And would I welcome those changes?

  My mom was busy reconciling her accounts and left me to myself. She really had no clue. She couldn’t tell that anything was wrong, and if she could, she didn’t care.

  Carl called in the evening to ask where I was and soon showed up at my house. He pulled me into a hug, and we were both quiet for a while. I started crying. This pregnancy was the last thing I needed right now.

  Carl didn’t say anything. He just wiped my tears and planted the occasional kiss on my forehead. Eventually, I pulled away. “I’m staying here tonight.”

  “That’s fine,” Carl said.

  “Sorry for crying.”

  “Don’t be. You have a huge decision to make, and neither of the two options is easy. I totally understand.”

  I closed my eyes and tears rolled down my cheeks. My mom should be the one in here talking this over with me. If my dad had been alive, I knew without a doubt that he would have been there for me.

  “You’re beautiful, even crying,” Carl said softly.

  I turned away. Carl was a great guy. I couldn’t imagine Dan, or even Jace for that matter, doing what he was doing. And the fact that the baby might well be Dan’s had already crossed my mind, although I thought it was more likely to be Carl’s.

  “Let’s get married,” Carl said quietly.

  “Huh?” I was certain I hadn’t heard him right.

  “I was going to leave this until you were more yourself. But I’m also dying to ask you.”

  “To get married?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I want to marry you.”

  “Because I’m pregnant?”

  “Not only because you’re pregnant.”

  I was dumbfounded. Carl wanted me to keep the baby and marry him. If someone had told me few days ago that Carl and I would be discussing marriage and a baby, I would have thought it ludicrous.

  Chapter 51

  “Wow, you look gorgeous,” Carl said, going on his knees to kiss my belly.

  I had just arrived back at his Marigold apartment after three days at home with my mom. I’d returned with a new sense of clarity and peace.

  “We’re going to Santa Clarita next weekend.”

  “Why?”

  Carl stood up. “I just thought it’d be nice.”

  “Do you still want to get married?”

  “Of course.”

  I grinned. “Okay.”

  “Is that a yes?”

  “Yeah.”

  Carl picked me up and spun me around delightedly. “Wow, I’m marrying Lexi Dixon, top supermodel and hot lingerie diva.”

  “In my dreams.”

  We went out for a celebratory dinner, and Carl played the perfect gentleman, driving slowly and opening every door for me. He’d been doing a lot of pregnancy research in my absence, and he knew what I could and couldn’t eat and drink.

  On our way home, Carl turned off the main road suddenly and parked the car.

  “What are you doing?”

  “There’s a park across the road. Let’s go for a walk.” Carl came around the car to open the door for me. Then he took my hand in his, and we walked over to the park.

  It was a beautiful night, and the moonlight made the small pond in the park look like a pool of silver. We walked through the park and came to a bench.

  “Do you need to sit down?”

  “No, I’m fine.”

  “Maybe you should take a quick rest, for the baby’s sake you know.”

  “The baby is probably still just a minute cell. It’s not even a baby yet.”

  All the same, Carl made me sit down.

  “We’re going to be parents,” Carl said happily. “We’ll
have our own little family.” He looked at me and pulled me closer to him. “What do you see in our future?”

  “How do you mean?”

  “Do you see us moving into a nice house of our own? Do you see us having more kids?”

  “Getting a nice house? Definitely. Having more kids? Not for a couple years.”

  Carl got up off the bench and got down on one knee. He took a small black box out of his pocket. I gasped as he opened it to reveal a sparkling diamond ring.

  “Lexi Dixon, I love you, and it would make me immensely happy if you would marry me.”

  I was shocked and embarrassed. “I’ve already said I will.”

  Carl removed the ring from the box and placed it on my finger. I felt like crying.

  “When did you buy that?”

  “About two weeks ago.”

  “We didn’t know I was pregnant two weeks ago.”

  “I know, but I’ve been thinking about it. I know we’re young, but look at Matt and Michelle. I told Matt about it over Christmas, and he was just like ‘make sure you know you’re really ready.’ I am ready, Lexi. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about any other girl before.”

  “Wow, I thought you just wanted to marry me because of the baby.”

  “No way.”

  I cupped Carl’s chin in my hand. “You are so sweet.”

  ***

  That night, I lay awake long after Carl had fallen asleep. We’d discussed wedding plans, where we would live, our future together, and everything else we could think of before we’d decided to call it a night.

  The next weekend, we went to Santa Clarita to make our marriage plans. At first we planned toward the summer vacation, but I’d be ‘showing’ by then, which neither of us really wanted. The only option was to either postpone the wedding until after I gave birth or to bring it forward. We both favored bringing it forward. The next vacation was Easter, so we planned toward that. That way, neither of us had to miss any college, and we’d have the wedding out of the way before the exams started.

  We were going to have a small wedding with only our families present. We discussed whether to have a reception and agreed not to. We’d just go to the registry office, say the vows, sign the papers, and then go on our honeymoon, which would be in Mykonos so that I could do my Roz Petroz booking.

  Carl wanted a Catholic priest. I had no personal religious affiliations, so I was happy to go along with that.

  I felt the happiest I had felt in a long time as we returned to Los Angeles.

  ***

  I got a letter from the abortion clinic offering an alternative appointment. For a moment, I considered it. I had conceived around the end of December or the beginning of January, which made it hard to work out whether the baby was Carl’s or Dan’s.

  I paced up and down the den uneasily. Dan was dark skinned and dark-haired, while Carl was fair and blond. But then I was dark, so whether the baby was dark or fair, it wouldn’t matter.

  I wished there was a way I could know for sure whose the baby was. The only thing that made me think it was Carl’s was the fact that I’d been with Carl more, both in December and January. Dan had only been for the last two days of our vacation in Hawaii.

  I heard Carl’s key in the lock and went to hide the letter.

  “Is my gorgeous fiancée home?” Carl called as I put the letter in one of my purses and stuffed the purse at the back of the closet. I went to meet him in the den.

  “You know what I was thinking, Lexi?”

  “What?”

  “We’ll have a month between when we get married and when exams start, so why don’t we have a two week honeymoon, rather than just the one week in Mykonos. We can go somewhere like Hawaii, Barbados, or Mauritius for the second week.”

  “Not Hawaii,” I said quickly.

  “Why not? We can relax on the beach and wear those flower things around our necks. I thought you’d love that.”

  “Um, no. How about London?”

  “And Liverpool?”

  “No, just London.”

  Carl squeezed my shoulder. “Okay, London it is.”

  “Great.”

  “Are you okay?” Carl asked. I knew he expected more enthusiasm from me, but I couldn’t help feeling anxious about the fact that the baby might not be his.

  “I’m just a bit tired.” I lied.

  I regretted it, because Carl made me go to bed.

  Chapter 52

  The date for our marriage ceremony rapidly approached. I wanted to tell Carl about the possibility of the baby being Dan’s and not his, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He was so happy and excited. And he was treating me the best he had ever treated me. I just couldn’t ruin it.

  My mom was shocked about my sudden decision to get married. She thought we should slow down, but I told her there was nothing to worry about, that Carl and I were happy. I denied it when she asked if I was pregnant, which was silly because she was going to find out soon anyway, and she’d only have to do a quick calculation to work out I’d gotten pregnant before the wedding.

  She took me shopping for a wedding dress, and I was glad that my stomach was still flat. No one could tell that I was pregnant, and my mom didn’t notice anything. We found a beautiful white Reem Acra dress; simple yet elegant. I couldn’t afford it, so I was willing to let it go. But my mom splashed out.

  After shopping, my mom took me for a late lunch. “I appreciate this,” I told her over a grilled chicken sandwich and a glass of orange juice. “Thanks for pulling yourself away from work to shop with me.”

  “Don’t thank me; it’s no problem at all.” She ran a finger along the rim of her coffee cup. “But I’m still not happy about all this.”

  “Why? Carl and I will be fine.”

  “Do you love him?”

  “Of course. I wouldn’t be marrying him if I didn’t.”

  “Well, I find that hard to believe.”

  “Well, it’s true.”

  “Lexi, if there’s another guy out there that you’d rather be with than Carl, then you shouldn’t marry him.”

  I rolled my eyes. I knew she’d bring up Dan. “There’s no one I’d rather be with than Carl.”

  “Not even Dan? Not even Jace?”

  I was annoyed now. Why couldn’t she just be happy for me? “Mom, I want to be with Carl. I’ve been with him for about a year now, and we’ve been living together for a while. I know we’ll be fine.”

  My mom looked surprised. “You didn’t tell me you lived with Carl.”

  Yeah, that was because she would have freaked out about it.

  “Lexi, why not finish college first before you think about marriage.”

  “Mom,” I said wearily. “This is what Carl and I want. We want to get married now.”

  “Marriage is such a big commitment, Lexi. I don’t think you’re ready for it.”

  “Mom, we’re getting married,” I said, a hard finality to my voice. My mom looked upset, but it was my life, and it was my decision to make. I was going to do what I wanted to do.

  “Well, I’m not in support of it at all. You’re both so young, and I don’t see what the big rush is about.”

  I didn’t need my mom’s support. I’d never had her attention, and so I didn’t want her dictating my life.

  ***

  I woke up early on the day of my wedding and went home to my mom’s place to get ready. When I got outside, I couldn’t believe the way the rain was lashing down. How could it rain on my wedding day? The biggest day of my life! If I were superstitious, I’d think it was a sign.

  I wondered if I was making a mistake. Did I love Carl enough to vow to be his wife forever? I knew that whoever I married, I didn’t ever want it to end in divorce. Would Carl and I make it? Would our relationship work? What if the baby looked like Dan?

  I shook my head, as if the physical action would shake the doubts from my mind. Carl and I would be fine. And as for the baby, I’d jump that hurdle when I got to it.


  My mom was up and had breakfast ready when I arrived. As I munched on toast, bacon and eggs, a lump rose in my throat. I tried to swallow it, but as my mind raced with all sorts of apprehensive thoughts, my eyes filled with tears that I couldn’t hold back.

  My mom came around the table to hug me. “Having second thoughts? You know it’s not too late to back out.”

  Back out? I couldn’t do that. After all the preparations we’d made, the honeymoon in London and everything; it was impossible to back out now. It wouldn’t be right.

  “Talk to me,” my mom said, giving me a tissue. “What’s the matter?”

  “Just last minute nerves, I guess.”

  “You can always call Carl and tell him you want to wait a bit longer.”

  “No, I’m okay.”

  My mom looked disappointed. She returned to her seat. “Well, eat up, and we’ll start getting you ready.”

  ***

  I walked into the registry office, knowing that my perfectly groomed physical appearance did not reflect my inner turmoil. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a mirror as an usher led my mom and I to the room where the ceremony would take place. I looked so princessy and bridal, but inside I felt like the Wicked Witch of the West.

  My heart constricted when I thought of my dad. If there was a heaven, maybe he was looking down on me. My eyes filled with tears again, and I blinked rapidly. Dad, I really miss you. Why did you have to go?

  My mom looked at me. “Lexi?”

  “Sorry, Mom. I’m thinking about Dad.”

  My mom looked sad. “So am I.”

  We paused in the reception for a few minutes while I collected myself, and then we entered the room. I gripped my mom’s arm tight.

  The room fell silent as we walked in. Carl’s family clapped politely, and then everyone sat down. He’d invited aunts, uncles, and cousins. The only people present from my family were my mom and Aunt Milly who was sitting next to Carl’s mom. My mom had wanted me to invite my grandmother too, but I had refused. She was a bitter old woman, and she wouldn’t like Carl anyway, because he wasn’t Cuban.

  I took my position beside Carl at the Lilly covered altar. He looked handsome in his black tux and bow tie. Neither of us had seen what the other was wearing until now. Carl smiled at me, and I felt my fears subside. Everything was going to be okay.