***
Being alone on the boat with Kara, sharing one of my passions and seeing her get as much joy out of it as I did, helped me understand what her brother had been talking about yesterday when he said she’d changed. She wasn’t the same girl I’d fallen in love with. She was a woman now, and it was clear I needed to get to know her all over again.
“I can’t believe you actually like fishing.” I smiled as I watched her carefully select the lures she thought would work given the current conditions. I had to hand it to her ex-boyfriend—he’d taught her well.
“Crazy, I know.” She laughed. “I like being out here on the water.” She stood, with colorful, shiny lures in each hand. “Even when the rods don’t go off, it’s still fun. But when they do, it’s a rush, isn’t it?”
“It sure is.”
“Why are you looking at me like that?” she asked, wrinkling her nose.
“I guess I thought I knew you. You’re proving me wrong.”
“You knew me,” she conceded. “Past tense. I’ve changed a lot over the past eight years, just as I’m sure you have.” She set the lures on top of the tackle box so she could reel the rods in and start changing the lures.
“You’re right, I have.” I turned in my seat to watch her switch up the lures like a seasoned pro. “What happened between us changed me. A lot.”
“How so?” She pretended to be deeply engrossed in her task, but I knew she was hanging on my every word.
“I became more cynical, more cautious. I was mad at the world for a long time.”
“Doesn’t sound like you, Dustin.”
She was right. I used to love to laugh and have fun. I was the first one to propose all the crazy, risky things we did as kids, while the rest would follow my lead and pray for a favorable outcome.
“I didn’t like the person I became.” I’d never admitted that to another person, but since she had been the catalyst for the change, sharing it with her felt natural. “That’s when I decided to really put myself out there again. I guess you could say I gave myself permission to fall in love again.”
“That’s the hardest part after having your heart broken, isn’t it? Finding the courage to do it all over again and hope for a better outcome.”
“You’ve had your heart broken?” Darius hadn’t mentioned any of her other boyfriends, and I realized I knew very little about the life she’d been living since she left me.
“You may not believe this,” she said, facing me once she’d set both rods back in the rod holders, “but leaving you broke my heart. That was my one and only heartbreak. Putting myself back out there after that was hard. I guess that’s why it took me so long.”
I watched her claim the seat beside me. After playing captain for an hour, she’d decided to let me take the helm again. “Have you had many serious relationships?”
“Just Jake.”
“Really?” She’d only been with him for a few months, which meant she’d been alone for a long time. That seemed unfathomable to me given how many relationships I’d had during that time.
“I dated a lot, mainly because I got tired of my own company after a while, but it wasn’t serious.”
I remembered what Darius had said about her period of promiscuity. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, but a part of me knew I would always wonder if I didn’t ask. “Did you try to fill the void after we broke up? You know, with other guys?”
She reached into the cooler for a bottled water and twisted off the cap. “Yeah, I did. But that only made me feel emptier inside. Every time I was with someone else, I just missed you more.”
Her soft admission felt like a powerful fist to my gut. I didn’t want to think about her being intimate with someone else, and I certainly didn’t want to think about her using someone else, or letting them use her, to stave off loneliness.
“I know the feeling.”
“You do?” She sounded surprised. “You were so angry with me I never thought you’d miss me.”
“I missed you.” I debated how much I should tell her. I’d never been one to share my feelings—I preferred to deny or suppress them—but I wasn’t likely to get this kind of moment back, so I decided to go for broke. “It killed me to think I’d never see you again. Logically, I knew that wasn’t likely unless your parents sold this place, but the thought of seeing you with someone else hurt even more than never seeing you again.”
I watched the screen marking fish, but for the first time, I didn’t care whether the lines went off. This time with her, just talking, was more valuable than the possibility of catching some trophy fish.
“I know what you mean.” She propped her feet on the ledge beneath the glove box and turned her head to stare at a boat in the distance. “When I heard you were engaged, it…” She shook her head.
“It what?” I needed to hear her say the words, to know that I hadn’t been the only one feeling lost and confused for all those years.
“It really threw me. It had been a long time. I thought I was over it, but then I heard you were engaged, and well, it just took me back to that day you told me to leave. I realized I’d never really gotten over you.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes, calmed by the lull of the waves and the sight of the seagulls skimming the water’s surface, before I finally asked the question burning my tongue. “Do you think we’ll ever really get over each other, Kara?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you hoping for closure?” I pushed a button, resetting my icons on the graph. “I mean, when you leave here tomorrow, are you hoping to walk away feeling as though you’ve put me and this part of your past behind you?”
She was silent for so long I assumed I’d probed too deep and demanded answers she couldn’t give.
“I don’t think so. I don’t think I’m ready for that.”
I was surprised to hear her voice was thick with emotion. It made me wish she’d take off those damn dark glasses and show me what I wanted to see in those beautiful brown eyes. “Then what do you want?”
She propped her glasses up on her head and turned to face me. “I don’t know. For us to be friends, maybe?”
I chuckled, shaking my head. “I have a lot of friends. I’m not sure I need any more.” I knew my comment must have hurt her, but she was asking a lot, thinking I could be her friend and nothing more, after all we’d meant to each other.
“I understand.”
“Do you?”
“I think so.”
“Friends have to trust each other. I’m not sure I could ever trust you again.” I didn’t want to beat up on her any more; this conversation was about being honest with her and myself.
“That’s fair enough.” She bit her lip. “Maybe we couldn’t be friends, but we could be… something else.”
Her eyes traveled over my body, and I was suddenly questioned my decision to lose my T-shirt so I could even out my tan. She was still wearing that blue bikini. She’d shed the cover-up hours ago. It reminded me a couple of sharp tugs was all it would take to get her naked.
“What are you doing?” I asked, my body coming to life under her perusal.
“I’m admiring you,” she said, smiling. “You’ve aged well.”
“Hmm.” It was more of a groan of frustration than an acknowledgement. “So. Have. You.”
“Then you admit you’re still attracted to me?” she asked, the water bottle poised over her mouth. After a deep pull, droplets stayed on her bottom lip, and her tongue darted out to catch them.
“Honestly? It’s taking everything in me not to…” I couldn’t go there. I couldn’t have her again. If I did, I’d never be able to make love with another woman without thinking about her. It had taken me years to get her out of my system, but the anger had helped me purge her. Without that anger, I would never get her out of my head.
“Not to what?” she asked, leaning forward. Her full breasts pressed together, begging me to look at her, to touch her, to take her.
“
I can’t go there, Kara.” I reached for my water and drained half the bottle before tossing it into the bow of the boat. I was angry with her for tempting me and myself for being so weak.
“Okay.” She stood and reached for the cover-up she’d cast aside.
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like I’m doing?” she asked, fixing the rectangle of fabric under her arms and tying it. “I’m covering up. Isn’t that what you want?”
“I don’t know what I want right now,” I said, licking my lips. My fiancée had just dumped me. I shouldn’t have even been thinking about another woman. But this wasn’t just any woman. This was Kara. The love of my life.
“Until you figure it out, maybe we should pack it in.”
Chapter Seven
Kara
I still couldn’t believe I’d propositioned Dustin like that. I was mortified. I replayed the whole ugly scene in my mind as I shoved clothes in my suitcase. I wasn’t supposed to leave until tomorrow, but I couldn’t stay, not with him only a few hundred feet away, undoubtedly thinking about the things I’d said to him.
This weekend definitely hadn’t gone as planned. I was supposed to come up, have a little fun with my siblings and my brother’s friends, entertain Jake for a while, then head back to the city refreshed and ready to refocus on work. Instead I’d reconnected with my former fiancé and remembered all the reasons I’d fallen in love with him in the first place. I stared at my reflection as I thought about Dustin. He was as sexy as ever, but he was more mature now, more introspective. He wasn’t as impulsive or reckless. Gone was the boy. In his place was the man. And I realized it would be even easier to love him.
But that was crazy. I couldn’t allow myself to fall in love with Dustin again. He’d already said he could never trust me, that we couldn’t even be friends. That’s why I was leaving—I knew the longer I stayed, the more I would want him.
I shoved things into my toiletries bag before tossing it in my suitcase and dragging the suitcase downstairs. I did a quick check of the doors, knowing the housekeeper would be back in a day or two to tend to the garbage and remaining food in the fridge. I just needed to get out of there before I did something stupid, like running over to his house to say good-bye. I locked the door, dragged my suitcase over the stone drive, and heaved it into the trunk of my SUV.
Just as I was about to hop into the driver’s seat, he rounded the corner. “Going somewhere?”
“Uh, yeah,” I said, freezing with my hand on the door handle. “Back to the city. I have a busy week ahead, and I figured I’d get a head start tomorrow.”
I was still facing the truck when he came up behind me, placing his hands on either side of me, caging me in. “You have to know what happened earlier was no reflection on you.”
“I know.” I shook my head, wishing my voice were a little steadier. “It’s no big deal. Don’t give it a second thought.”
He chuckled, lowering his head. I sucked in a sharp breath when his lips grazed my bare shoulder.
“I haven’t been able to think about anything else since it happened, and I doubt I’ll be able to all goddamn week. You’re getting inside my head again, girl. Messing with me.”
“That’s not what I intended.” Was it? God, I didn’t know anymore. I couldn’t make sense of anything.
“It’s probably best you leave now.”
“Right.” I curled my hand around the handle, preparing to pull the door open.
Instead he flattened his hand against the door, preventing it from opening. “I just need a little time to process everything that’s happened this weekend, Kara.”
“Yeah, me too,” I said, sounding a little too breathless.
“I’ll be here next weekend. You?”
“Uh, I don’t know yet.”
“I want to see you again. We’re not done.”
I didn’t know what that meant and was afraid to ask for clarification. “Um, I’ll see how my week shapes up. I might be able to make it.”
My purse was slung over my shoulder, and he peered inside before grabbing my cell phone from the pocket.
“What are you doing?” I asked as he tapped the screen.
“Programming my numbers. I want you to call or text me when you get back to the city, just to let me know you made it safely.”
I was touched that he still cared about my safety. “Okay, sure.”
“And feel free to use that number anytime you want this week. I have to go back home, settle some business, but after that, I’ll be back. We break ground on the house midweek.”
The house. Our house. “Okay.” I held my breath when he brushed his lips across my cheek. “Good-bye, Dustin.”
“This isn’t good-bye,” he said, sounding raspy. “Not this time.”
***
I texted him as soon as I walked in the door.
I made it.
Good. But you could have called to tell me.
Going to bed now.
Don’t tease me, beautiful.
I had a silly smile when my sister walked into the room. Since we were only living there temporarily, we’d decided it made more sense to rent a spacious apartment instead of investing in real estate.
“What’s that smile all about?” she asked, plopping on the sofa with a yogurt container in hand.
“Uh.” I considered whether to tell her about what had happened with Dustin but figured she would find out eventually. Nothing remained a secret in our family for long. “Dustin asked me to text him when I got home, that’s all.”
“He did, huh?” Catia grinned before digging into her yogurt. “What did Jana think of that?”
“She…” I didn’t want my sister to think I was a homewrecker, but if Darius knew that Dustin and Jana had broken up, it was only a matter of time before my sister found out. “She kind of broke up with him.”
Catia gaped at me with the spoon halfway between her mouth and the yogurt container. “She gave the ring back and everything?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess so.”
“Ha!” Catia pointed at me with her free hand. “I told you he wouldn’t marry her!”
When I’d heard the news and been feeling a bit down about it, my sister reminded me that being engaged and married were two very different things. She said she had a gut feeling he wouldn’t marry her, and I hated to admit it, but she appeared to be right. Again. God help me, I’d never hear the end of it now.
“Fine, you were right. Are you happy now?” I sat in the chair next to her, setting my phone on the end table beside me.
“That depends. Are you happy?”
I didn’t know how I felt. I was scared and confused and… hopeful? “Don’t read too much into it, sis. Just because he’s single again doesn’t mean we’re going to hook up.” I hated that term. Especially since sex with Dustin could never feel like a hookup.
“You don’t know that,” Catia said, returning her attention to her yogurt. “He asked you to text him when you got home, right? That says something.”
I wasn’t sure what it said, and I didn’t want to overanalyze it. “He suggested I come back next weekend. Do you think I should?”
“Hell, yeah. This is Dustin we’re talking about. How can you not want to see him again?”
That was the very reason I wasn’t sure: because it was Dustin. This wasn’t just some guy I was crushing on. This was the guy. My one and only. “I just don’t want to expect too much. Spending time with him again could be dangerous.”
“Or it could be fun,” Catia said, wiggling her eyebrows.
“Would you stop?” I tossed a lemon-colored cushion at her. “This is serious. I lose my mind with that man. Just being near him makes me say and do stupid things.”
“Such as?”
I buried my face in the remaining cushion on the chair before stealing a quick glance at my sister. “We were out on the boat today, and I kind of propositioned him.”
“Shut. Up.” Catia set her
empty yogurt container and spoon on the coffee table before tucking her legs under her. “Tell me what happened. Every detail. Don’t leave anything out.”
I should have known this would lead to a full-blown inquisition. “I guess I was just testing the waters, you know, to see if he was still interested in me.”
“And?”
“He didn’t take me up on my offer.” Which had been a serious blow to my ego. “But he acted as though he wanted to.” His words filtered through my mind for the hundredth time since he’d said them. It’s taking everything in me not to…
“It’s probably too soon for him,” Catia said, shaking her head as though to agree with herself. “You know Dustin. He’s loyal to a fault, and when it comes to relationships, he doesn’t dive right in. Hookups are a different story, but we both know with the two of you, it could never be a casual thing. He probably just wants to take his time, to make sure this time.”
He couldn’t possibly have been any more scared than I was. “I had reservations about marrying him because I wasn’t sure about moving to North Carolina with him,” I reminded her. “Now that I have a career I love and travel all the time, I don’t see how we could make it work.”
“I’m not saying it would be easy,” Catia conceded. “But living without him hasn’t been easy either, has it?”
“No.” I feared I was getting way ahead of myself. He’d only indicated he wanted to see me again because we had unfinished business. That didn’t mean he could ever learn to trust me again or would consider the kind of relationship we’d had before.
Before I could share my concerns with Catia, my phone rang. “It’s him,” I said, reaching for it with a smile.
“I’ll give you some privacy,” Catia said. “I’m going to grab a shower before bed.”
“Hello.”
“Hey, I didn’t wake you, did I?”
“No, I was just talking to Cat.” In the silence that followed, I could tell he was questioning his decision to call me. “What’s up?”
“I was just lying here thinking about you and…” He sighed. “I don’t know. I guess I just needed to hear your voice before I tried falling asleep.”
Kara (Starkis Family #4) Page 7