by Willow Dean
Another tear slips silently down my face. Studying his eyes. His face. Everything. I see not one ounce of doubt in his expression.
Swallowing thickly, I bite the bullet. “They made their own choices. They owned their choices. My choices are my own and what happened was not my choice. It was not my fault. Fault comes from choice and I didn’t have any,” I grit out bitterly.
His approval comes in the form of a sympathetic smile and open arms. Pulling me in for a hug, I cry on his shoulder like a baby.
I don’t do emotions. I have one setting and one setting only. Rage. I wrap myself in a blanket of fury and anger and shut everyone out. Except, that all changed once I met the guys and Jax.
Jax taught me it was okay to feel. That it’s okay to show emotion and to share that burden with others. Even though men are meant to be the tough guy’s or the stoic protectors. It’s okay for us to feel. To grieve. To hurt. Just like anyone else.
When I first met the guys, I was a mess of self-doubt and regret. I still find it hard to not think that everything that happened was my fault. My family suffered and died for me. To protect me.
I still don’t know why. I just know that I’ve had to carry this guilt ever since. Eventually, I closed myself off from feeling, trying to separate myself from the outside world so I couldn’t hurt anyone else.
Jax was the one who counseled me through it all. Even when I screamed in his face and fought with him until he was black and blue. He never once lost his patience. He coaxed me round and forced me to acknowledge how I truly felt.
He taught me that none of it was my choice. None of it was what I wanted to happen. None of it happened because I willed it to be.
I didn’t attack my father, or beat my mother, or rape my sister. I didn’t murder my family. I was just an unlucky observer. Nothing more.
I still don’t show this side of me to the others. Nor do they know what happened. Only Jax knows, and that was only because his persistent and caring ass was too stubborn to let me continue to torment myself.
The tears stop as my heart rate begins to slow. Taking a couple of deep breaths, I clap him on the back to let him know I’m done with the self-induced pity party for one.
Forcing a steel wall around my emotions, I slip on my mask and pull away, silently turning away to dry my face with my arm as his focus returns to the screens in front of him.
That’s one thing that’s so awesome about Jax. He doesn’t smother. He sits on the sidelines and coaches you through the rough patches, helping you to pick up the pieces so that you can put yourself back together. Not him.
He’s all about self-help. Encouraging you to glue the pieces back, one by one, instead of just forcing you to mend instantly. He gets it. He gets me.
“Movement on the south, cam eight.” The sharp edge to his voice draws me out of my thoughts. Flicking through the other cams, I catch the shadow on cam six.
“Moving East around the perimeter.” I continue to follow it through the feeds before relaxing with a heavy sigh as the shadow reveals itself. “It’s just a fox bro, we’re cool.” Tilting my chair back, I drag my hands over my face.
“Good, because I don’t know about you, but I am not in the mood to be serious right now.”
“Seconded,” I agree as we both let out a relieved chuckle.
What a day today has been. What a fucking day.
Jax stays with me the rest of the night until Rick comes to relieve us in the early hours. “Anything to report?”
“Nah, all good. Lachlan will call you today to give you an update. He wants Mila ready for sims next week. They’re moving junior recruitment up. Something about teams going missing.” I shrug. “The bastard didn’t exactly give me much information before he put the phone down on me,” I grouse.
Rick snorts and gives me a hard pat on the back. “Good, go get some rest you two.” He doesn’t even stop to question why Jax is here. For that, I’m grateful.
We both get up to leave when Rick mentions the motion sensors. “Sorry, my bad. I forgot. We may need to talk to Mila about her nightmares sooner rather than later. She’s started sleepwalking. I found her about to take on the stairs when I arrived back from the perimeter check last night.
“If I hadn’t been there when I was, her little trip wouldn’t have had a pretty ending. I put sensors around her room and covered the window and door so we’ll know if she gets up well before she endangers herself. I asked Lachlan to inform Paladin too.”
“Good, we can broach it with her soon. I’ll keep an eye out. Rest up for now.”
Nodding, we both head up to bed without another word. I would say it was lovely to get in bed and get some rest, however, it was anything but.
The nightmares were more vivid than usual. Everything rendered with so much clarity, that it’s as if someone snuck into my mind and turned on the ultra 4K HD settings.
Feeling like I’ve done nothing but toss, turn and been battered alive, I curse as my alarm blazes, giving it a healthy smack.
Today is going to be a long ass day.
24 Mila
Two weeks later…
Jab, feint, hook, duck. Jab, feint, hook, duck-
Slipping back to avoid the hook coming straight for my face, I switch stance and jump-spin, delivering a beautifully placed back-kick straight in Aus’s stomach that has him doubling over in a crumpled heap on the floor.
Before my feet even touch down, I’m already preparing to drop and sweep my foot out behind to take Micah out. Once he’s down, I straddle him and secure him in an arm lock whilst assessing my surroundings.
All four of attackers incapacitated. Threat eliminated.
A slow clap echoes from my right as Deac walks towards us. Relaxing my hold on Micah, I offer him a hand up. Rick assists a suffering Aus, jumping back quickly as said person begins to dry heave. Diaphragm spasms are things of beauty.
Sucks to be him!
“Impressive! I must admit, even I didn’t think you would be as capable and intuitive as the guys made you out to be.”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover Deac,” I tut.
Smiling in amusement, he casually walks over and ruffles my hair. “Don’t worry, Squirt, I have no doubts about your ability.”
Did he just call me…
My head slowly turns his way. Catching the look on my face, his eyes widen comically as he steps backwards, lifting his hands up in front of him.
I don’t even make it forward a step before a large set of hands fall on my shoulders, pinning me in place. Whoever it is knows that it won’t stop me from decking Deac, but it does serve as a sufficient warning for him.
The rest of the guys chuckle as they watch the scene unfold. All it takes is a cutting glare from me, to shut them up.
“You are out of luck my man. That look promises retaliation. Better check your underwear and shoes before you put them on tomorrow,” Micah warns, giving him a pitying pat on the shoulder.
A look of fear and confusion passes over Deac’s face as he takes in Micah’s words and the stony look on my face. His eyes flit to the hands on my shoulders as he swallows thickly.
It warms me to know that Micah feels the need to caution him. Clearly, finding itching powder in your boxer shorts and tacks in your shoes has a profound effect on a man. Especially one who is known to be a renowned prankster.
Little ol’ me must have made quite the impression!
Contrary to the popular belief, I didn’t start these prank wars. I just finished them after Micah got me with food coloring in my body wash and stole my pancakes.
Mess with my food and you are signing your own death warrant. No-one takes my food. Especially my precious pancakes.
“It can come at any time, man. You need to be vigilant, you can’t lower your-” Micah freezes at my scathing look. Zipping his hand over his mouth, he steps away from Deac and goes to hide behind Rick who just laughs at him.
Deac straightens himself out and shakes his head suddenly all serious
again.
Although, he can’t completely hide the amused smile that’s threatening to break free. “Your final simulation will be on Sunday. You will be briefed on arrival. The simulation in the morning will be Alpha Race only. In the afternoon, you’ll pair with Lance Crew. Should you pass, you’ll be assigned to missions the following week. Feel free to use these facilities anytime you need.”
Giving us a last once over, he raises his voice to be heard among the crowd. “Break! Sessions over cadets. Wrap it up,” he yells, waving goodbye to us over his shoulder as he walks back towards the center of the room.
“I presume this morning went well with Dr. Hunter?” Jax enquires.
“Yup, he cleared me for missions, so we are all good to go!” Throwing him a thumbs up and a wink, I give a little victory dance.
“That’s our girl!” Micah drapes his arm over my shoulders and gives me a winning smile. “You’ve been working hard since you were back up and running again. Fancy a party at ours tonight?”
“Hell yeah! I could do with letting loose a little.” I grin. “But wait, we can’t. It’s Wednesday,” I point out, my previous happiness dying out quickly.
“So?” The guys look at me all confused-like.
“Well…it's mid-week. Will Lachlan allow you to have one?”
“As long as we are sensible and continue with our duties at college and base, Lachlan doesn’t care. Besides, it’s my house,” Rick admits, shrugging like it’s no big deal.
My mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water as I try to figure out what to say to that bombshell. That one sentence seems to have fried my brain as nothing comes to mind. Instead, I just say the first thing that pops into my head. “Can Reika come?”
Screw finding out how he owns that house at his age, he’s probably just landed it in a similar way to me. Who cares right now anyway?! Priorities people.
It’s party time!
Everyone laughs at my apparent diversion and uncanny ability to change conversations and emotions in a heartbeat.
“Sure thing Lala. We usually invite Lance Crew anyway,” Micah shrugs.
“That’s Reika’s team, right?”
“Yup,” Micah confirms, offering me a smile and a sloppy kiss on the cheek before we split ways at the changing rooms.
Strutting over to my lockers with an extra buzz to my step, I fist bump Reika and we immediately get chatting. I barely even say two words about tonight and she’s already chomping at the bit.
All of Lance Crew will be there, including Larson. Although, Reika did say something about extra team training, so they’ll probably be a little late. It’ll be nice though. Especially since I haven’t been to a party since before-
Nope. Not going there.
Mila Jackson is back and she won’t have anyone or anything rain down on her parade again. That motherfucker is going to pay. Until then, I’ll just have to face the music.
Buck yourself up biatch. You are in for a bumpy ride!
The memories come flooding back, but I push them as deep down as they will go, locking them down tightly and throwing away the key. It’d do no good to have something else in my life ruined by that barbaric meat sack.
The party may be difficult to begin with, but once it gets going, I’m sure I’ll be fine. I know deep down I can handle it, especially when I know my team and Reika are there to have my back. I just have to put myself out there and get it over with.
Talking about putting myself out there, it suddenly occurs to me that I still haven’t been home. Putting it off has become my favorite pastime. Maybe it’s time for me to finally face my fears. Get it all out there in one massive emotional cluster fudge and just get on with life.
Aside from relieving my emotional dependency, it would be a good place to start with gathering information.
What I’ll be able to glean from one visit, I’m not sure. But, if there’s something there that will give me even the smallest indication as to who is after me, then it’ll be worth the shot.
Reika and I part ways after we get out of the changing rooms, with her heading further into the complex as I meet up with the guys in the corridor.
A combination of fear and expectation roils in my stomach, causing my voice to come out sharper than intended. “Team meeting when we get back.”
No-one disagrees with me. In fact, no-one says anything at all. If my team were surprised by my outburst, they don’t show it.
Instead, they all nod in agreement, seemingly lost in thought. Clearly there’s something bothering them too and we are about to find out just what that is!
“So, who’s going to start?” Pacing back and forward in front of the sofa, I ring my hands. “Clearly you guys have something to discuss as well by the looks on all your faces,” I prompt, hoping someone else will take the lead.
This whole thing felt like such a good idea an hour ago. Now. Not so much.
All heads turn towards Rick who sighs and stands up from his armchair, motioning for me to take his seat. Everyone’s deference to Rick and the accumulated anxiety of the group only serves to worsen my already frayed nerves.
Avoiding all eye contact, especially Aus who is sat directly across from me, I settle down into the armchair and try to relax.
Yeah. Not going to happen.
Relaxing is real darn difficult when you can feel multiple sets of eyes burning into you from all different directions.
The fire crackles and pops, flaring through the grates as Linc throws a new log into the pile.
“Aus,” Rick urges.
Although I can’t see him, I know that Aus just leaned forward with his elbows propped on his knees. It’s his go to, serious talk pose.
“Lila,” he prompts, not once taking his gaze off me. I can sense him waiting for me to look up, but I’m not going to. I have a bad feeling about this. Knowing full well that I’m not going to concede, he continues. “Do you remember sleepwalking?”
What?
My head snaps up, relieved that it’s not something more serious. Fully expecting him to be fooling around and just trying to lighten the mood, I’m taken aback when his expression tells me otherwise.
Sleepwalking? I don’t sleepwalk. Never have. Maybe he just mistook me for one of the guys.
I shake my head in the negative. His glacial facial expression not once wavering as he watches me.
“About two weeks ago now, I came back after checking the perimeter to find you sleepwalking. You headed straight towards the stairs and tried to take the first step. Thankfully, I managed to reach you before you fell. We put motion sensors in your room and you have gotten up to do the same thing every night since. Do you know what could be causing it?”
He can’t be serious?!
I raise my eyebrows and he just nods. Shit. He’s deadly serious. Clearly, I have been sleepwalking, yet I have absolutely no recollection of it at all.
Do I know what causes them? Well, that’s easy. Am I willing to share it with them? Nope. That’s a completely different matter altogether.
The nightmares didn’t start until after the day I met Deac and each night they’ve only gotten worse. Like hell I’m going to tell them that though. That’d only showcase how weak and vulnerable I am still. No, thank you.
Besides, the guys already have far too much to deal with. There really is no need to unnecessarily add to their load. It’s not exactly something I’m keen to experience over and over again either.
The horrible images that plague me each night can stay right where they are. In the darkness. Where they belong. There’s really no need to re-hash them in the waking hours too.
Shaking my head, I attempt to feign innocence and fail miserably.
“Lila, you wake up screaming,” Aus says softly. The images are anything but gentle as they flash through my head. All sharp edges and ragged cuts.
Mum’s glassy eyes. Fire engulfing the car. Jagged scars and foul breath. White walls with red streaks. Metal instruments on a white cloth. Hand drawn
pictures. Flowers. Faceless people.
Aus’s gaze is all knowing as he gives me a comforting, yet sad smile. Shame colors my cheeks at how easily he’s able to see straight through me.
Why I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I contradicted myself and kept things from my team after I got so worked up about them lying to me. Or maybe, it’s simply because I feel vulnerable. Fragile. Breakable.
“Every night we hear you whimpering. It only stops when one of us lay with you, and even then, you still shout out. You walk around pale and shaking. It’s obvious you’re suffering and we tried to give you time, believe me we did, but enough is enough.” His voice hardens slightly as our eyes lock onto each other. Everything around me drops away as I lose myself in his gaze.
“The last thing we wanted to do was pressure you into talking. It must be hard having those images play on repeat every night without them plaguing you throughout the day as well. Knowing you, you probably didn’t want to tell us because you think you’re a burden on us.” I scoff.
He shakes his head. “You’re wrong, Mila. It’s getting to be too much for you and you’re beginning to endanger yourself. Let us help you,” the way his voice cracks tells me far more than his words ever will.
There is a far more personal reason for the depth of his pleas. He knows exactly what I’m going through. He’s experienced it. He’s lived it and he wants to help me through it. He wants to stop me from self-destructing like I’m sure he did. He wants to protect me from myself.
It’s all too much.
They all watch on silently as I grimace. The images playing in fast forward through my mind. Again and again.
My voice won’t work and my hands tremble. I don’t want to look at them and see the pity in their eyes. Yet, that’s exactly what I do.
Shock stills me when I scan their faces to find no trace of pity. No judgment. Just understanding and admiration.
Jax moves to kneel in front of me, speaking quietly. “Mila, it’s okay to have nightmares. Hec, each and every one of us has them. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s simply your mind's way of dealing with trauma and processing things, trying to put everything into perspective.