Little Phoenix (The Census Book 1)

by Willow Dean

  Standing out against his tanned skin is a thick gold band with a symbol engraved in white gold in the center. I can’t quite make out the symbol from where I’m sat, but it’s mesmerizing watching him flick it up his finger, before it drops down and settles back in place. Repeatedly.

  Up and down. Up and down.

  Eventually he looks up. His eyes flit around the group until they settle on Jax, who gives a subtle nod to his unspoken question. “Jax knows,” are all the words we get before his focus goes back to his ring.

  Good. That’s four out of five. Only one left to go.

  Rick jumps up from his seat and starts pacing, rubbing his hand back and forth over his left pec as if in physical pain.

  Carefully untangling myself from the twins, Jax and my blanket, I stand and slowly advance towards him. As soon as he realizes I’m standing before him, he stops dead in his tracks. Breathing heavily, he looks at everywhere else in the room but at me.

  Whether he even realizes how close I am or not, I don’t know. All I know, is that he’s trying really hard not to fall into the abyss that’s calling his name right now. He’s right on the precipice. He just needs someone to bring him back.

  He flinches when I place my hand over his, where it had stopped directly over his heart. Coincidentally, it’s also where I know his rose tattoo is displayed proudly.

  Leaning my cheek against our hands, I lay my other hand on his chest and simply stay there for a minute. Closing my eyes, I listen to his erratic heartbeat.

  It takes a while, but once he knows I’m only there to support him, his shoulders slump and he finally starts to calm down. His breathing slows and his heart rate returns to a more normal rhythm.

  “You don’t have to talk to anyone right now. You don’t have to tell anyone anything you don’t want to. Just let us help you in whatever way we can. I...we don’t want to hurt you. We just want to make sure we all stay safe,” I whisper softly. “Together,” I affirm.

  His hand tenses beneath mine and I hear him take a deep steady breath in. “Fine. But not now,” he grates through gritted teeth.

  “That’s fine, Tough Guy. No one’s going to push you. Just know that we are here for you. Whenever you are ready,” I soothe.

  Taking a step back, I stare him straight in the eye. Torment and anguish screws his face up into something so heartbreaking. I can’t even begin to guess what he’s been through to bring so much terror to someone as strong as he is.

  He regards me for another minute before closing his eyes and clearing his expression. Opening them once again, his sweet hazelnut eyes swirl with determination as a fearless leader stares right back.

  Atta boy!

  “She’s right,” he replies in a thick, yet strong voice. “Take your time tonight. Tomorrow we get Mila’s GPS and we prepare for simulations this weekend. Figure your shit out before then,” he commands gruffly before storming out of the room.

  Dragging in a lungful of sweet air, my shoulders sag, releasing all the tension they’d been holding in one fell swoop. I knew the conversation was going to be hard. I just didn’t know whether or not our new relationship was strong enough to withstand it.

  Each of the guys have welcomed me into their family with open arms and given me so much support. The least I could do is return that in any way I can.

  I sincerely hope this conversation hasn’t set us back though. Either way, it was unavoidable. Someone just needed the courage to come out and say it.

  Linc rests a hand on my shoulder and kisses my forehead silently, before heading upstairs. Following a taut Aus, Micah pinches my cheek and gives me a weary smile as they both head down to the gym, leaving me alone with Jax.

  It doesn’t upset me that Aus didn’t even acknowledge me before disappearing from the room. Everyone copes with stress differently. Deep down I know he isn’t mad at me, he’s just the type of person who keeps his cards close to his chest. To be challenged is difficult for him. He just needs time to process.

  Getting up off the floor, Jax inclines his head at me and I follow him out the room. Completely bypassing the other living room, he exits straight out of the patio doors and takes a seat on one of the benches next to the gazebo erected at the poolside.

  Spreading his arms across the back of the bench, he tilts his head back and looks to the stars. Waiting for him to make the first move, I silently take the seat beside him and allow myself to seize the moment and just let go.

  Basking in the sights and sounds of the night, I let the tranquility of nature wash over my senses. Dancing patterns of light flicker across the patio from the pool’s underwater lights, as the house is cast in an eerie glow from the lights up on the wall. Spotlights that adorn the grass in front of us, illuminate the mildew that dots each individual blade, causing them to glimmer and sparkle like pixie dust.

  The pool house sits off to our right and glows gently under the gaze of the full moon. Leading up to the two doors on either side of the building are a runway of spotlights that are embedded in the floor. Coalescing together, they form a beautiful light show. Flowing and ebbing on repeat between a multitude of different colours.

  Closing my eyes, I tune in to nature’s song. The cricket’s chirping, the owl’s hooting and the occasional flutter of wings from the bats that roam the night. All coming together to form a beautiful melody.

  A sudden waft of citronella and chlorine envelops my senses. Opening my eyes to find the source, I see Jax lighting candles on the table in front of us. As relaxed as I was, I hadn’t even noticed him get up.

  Although Jax hides it well, I notice the slight tremor in his hands when he strikes the last match. Wondering back over, he sits so his thigh is touching mine, blissfully unaware of his own need to seek comfort and companionship. Leaning his elbows on his knees, he clasps his hands together tightly. Twirling the ring on his right ring finger, he stares unseeingly at the floor.

  I hadn’t even noticed the ring before now. It’s not like I can make it out at this moment either with how fast he’s spinning it. The inability to look at it in detail fuels my obsessive and compulsive nature to observe and depict everything I see.

  Now is not the time to be trying to satisfy your crazy compulsions, Mila. Time to get your priorities straight. Be there for him like he was for you.

  Shaking myself out of my reverie, I recline back and wait patiently for him, losing myself to the ambience of the twilight hour whilst he gathers his thoughts.

  We sit in comfortable silence for a while. Both of us allowing the gentle sounds of the pool lapping against the cool patio stone, the bushes rustling in the wind and the echoes of the coyote’s howls, appease our inner demons.

  Jax finally decides to break the silence as I draw my knees up towards my chest, slightly chilled by the night air.

  “I was twelve when…” A fox screeches, interrupting him. Waiting patiently for him to continue, a glint of silver snatches my attention as his ring catches the candle light. “We lived in a wooden chalet near a lake in Wales, in England. It was a beautiful place. The air was clean, the grass green and the scenery was breathtaking. We used to go for long hikes and swim in the lake in the summer. Al-” He stops suddenly.

  Out of my periphery, I catch him reaching for his glasses as he turns away from me. Lifting them off his face, he wipes across his eyes with the back of his hand before putting them back in place and pushing them up his nose.

  “Alice and Amelia used to love it. They would collect daisies by the shore and make us all necklaces,” he chuckles woefully. “They used to force me to wear a tiara made out of them,” he recalls, shaking his head with a small smile.

  “Me and Mum had an argument over what cookies she was going to bake for us. When the conversation didn’t go my way, I slammed the door in her face and ran down to the lake. I started pebble skipping because I was angry that it wasn’t my turn to choose the flavors. I needed something to throw. Someway of working off my anger. I’d been down there a while when I smelt the
smoke and heard their screams. All I could see was a massive pillar of smoke in the direction of the house. I ran back as fast as I could, but when I got there-” Fists clenching, he trembles.

  I reach out slowly and place a hand on his arm. Without sparing me a glance, he swallows thickly before continuing even quieter than before. His voice breaking periodically.

  “Everything- It was- The fire was everywhere. There wasn’t anything that wasn’t alight. I could hear Alice screaming Amelia’s name. I didn’t think. I just ran straight in, and by some miracle, the stairs were untouched. I followed Alice’s voice to their room opposite the stairs and crashed straight through the door. Alice was shaking Amelia who...looked dead.

  “Alice was covered in blood and had burns from head to toe. I don’t know how she was even awake. Amelia was buried under a burning beam. I didn’t even think about what would happen to me, I just ran straight for them and lifted the beam clear off her. She looked so small. So fragile,” his voice breaks on the last word.

  “I was only twelve at the time. They were six. I don’t know what it was. Superhuman strength? Adrenaline? Whatever it was, it was like shifting the beam for me was akin to breaking a toothpick. Easy. There was no thought. I just lifted it and scooped the girls up into my arms and ran straight back out. I don’t even know how I managed to get out.” He shakes his head, raking his hands through his hair.

  “The stairs were all but gone by the time I’d gotten them free. Once I laid them on the grass, well away from the house, I turned back to see if I could find my parents, but there was nothing left. Just a burning pit of fire.” Tears stream down his face as his shaking intensifies, his voice hoarse and scratchy. “I ran around to try and find another way in when the whole thing went up in a giant fireball. Lachlan showed up not long after and took us into his care.”

  Shuffling closer, I wrap an arm around his bicep and rest my head on his shoulder as my tears join his.

  “The last thing I said to my parents was how much I hated them because they always chose the girls over me. How they always pushed me to the side like I didn’t exist. Of course, it wasn’t true. The young, naive little twelve-year-old me, just wanted to make his parents feel guilty because he didn’t get to choose what cookies his mum made.”

  The thought of a little Jax throwing a paddy draws a soft chuckle from me. Silently wiping the tears from my face, we both stare off into the night sky, completely lost in our thoughts.

  It’s not long though before my curiosity gets the better of me. “Where are the girls now?”

  He hesitates slightly before answering. “Lachlan had them put in the best rehab center money could buy. I visit them once a month, but it’s hard. They’re getting better, but each time I go, I remind them of that time. All they remember is watching me stand in front of them as the house went up in flames.”

  His head drops in shame as he stares absently at his hands in his lap.

  “They don’t remember when I took them out of the house. Amelia was unconscious and Alice was in too much shock to comprehend what was happening. Her mind completely shut down. Once they got out in the open air and Amelia came to, their minds started to retain bits of what happened. And what would you know? The first thing they happened to see was me heading back towards the fire before everything exploded,” he spits self-deprecatingly.

  It takes everything in me not to break down at the sight of the pure anguish in his emerald green eyes. Although, the agonizing reminder doesn’t last very long.

  Instead, his pain morphs his features into a mask of pure anger and hatred. It’s a look that I’ve never once seen on my mild tempered, sweet and lovable Sparks. It damned well breaks my heart.

  “They never found out the cause of the fire. They dismissed it as some faulty gas pipes.”

  “You think differently?”

  “No. I know differently. It was deliberate, and if I ever find those responsible, they will be begging for the devil to take them away from the pure hell that I will subject them too.” His eyes cloud with such malice that my body instinctively reacts. My heart racing ten to the dozen.

  As I go to pull back, his hand closes over the top of mine and squeezes hard. Stopping me from moving any further. I trust that Jax won’t harm me, but the malevolence rolling off him right this second has my fight or flight response kicking into overdrive.

  Sensing my unease, he takes a deep breath and his face clears, returning to the tentative and loving man I know him to be. Easing his grip, he starts to stroke small circles on the back of my hand. The flutter of my heart eases with each movement.

  “It took three or four years of supervised visits for them to be able to just see me again. They still struggle now, but they’ve improved a lot. They are at least able to interact with me now, so long as we are outside and around other people. I know it will take a long time to get back to how it was, and they are doing so much better, it’s just…difficult.”

  Releasing his hold on my hand, he slides onto his knees in front of me and strokes a rogue strand of hair back from my face. Tears glisten in his eyes. Their sparkling emerald depths, full of regret.

  “You have no idea how sorry I am for freezing on you today. If you hadn't been there to snap me out of it, I don’t think I would have made it out. I haven’t seen a fire that big, or even really been that close to a big one, since that day. It’s never been a trigger for me. I guess I was just never really exposed to those sorts of situations. It’s not exactly a normal everyday occurrence,” he chuckles mirthlessly.

  “It was just too much like going through what I went through on that day. All the memories just came flooding back.” Meeting my gaze, he strokes my cheek tenderly with his knuckles. “It won’t happen again. I think…if we are ever in that situation again, if someone can just get my attention so that I know that I’m not alone, then I should be able to cope.” Stuttering slightly, he takes a deep breath. “I just need to feel grounded,” he admits bashfully, as though that’s something to be ashamed of.

  I give his shoulder a playful nudge, knocking him off the path of self-destruction. Today wasn’t his fault. None of it was. “I’m sure we can manage that, Sparks. There really is no need to apologize. We are out, and alive, and that’s all that matters. You weren’t to know.”

  He surprises me with a hearty laugh. A big grin lighting up his beautiful face.

  “Why Sparks? I noticed you called me that when you first woke up, so it can’t be to do with my childish aversion to fire,” he says rubbing the back of his neck.

  I swat the back of his head, chastising him. “It’s not childish. Your aversion to fire is totally understandable. Don’t ever put yourself down like that again.” His eyes widen at my tone before giving a small, serious nod of agreement. “You gained that nickname when I woke up from the coma because I was still a little loopy and your fiery red hair made me think of the sparks that shoot off campfires and bonfires. Pretty, unique and fiery,” I purr in mock seduction. Throwing a few eyebrow wiggles in just for fun.

  He throws his head back in laughter and I can’t help but grin as I watch him lose himself to the moment. The heaviness around him lifts as he comes back to himself.

  Our loving, carefree and logical, Sparks. Our hero.

  It’s times like these that make me grateful for our mismatched family and the experiences that brought us together. Sure, they aren’t all good, but they make us who we are. Who knows if we would have ever found each other if we hadn’t taken the paths that we did.

  “Come on, let’s go back inside and I can show you those meditation techniques we talked about. My turn to help you out,” he jests, throwing me a wink. Punching his arm playfully, he returns the gesture as I follow him back inside.

  Every single one of us in this house of misfits carries our own demons, but no matter what happens, we will always have each other’s backs. Each one of us is willing to sacrifice ourselves for one another.

  We are a family and we will get through eve
rything life throws at us. Together.

  27 Mila

  “Are you all seriously planning on coming into the room while I get this done?”

  “Yeah, it hurts like a bitch!” Micah says with a terrified look in his eyes. He’s practically hiding behind Aus like a child afraid of getting their booster jab.

  I raise my eyebrow at his outburst and realize that none of the other’s expressions have changed either. Each one as serious as the last. They aren’t happy about this. At all.

  “I honestly don’t get why you guys are all so worked up. You look like I’m about to be marched down to the gallows. It can’t be that bad.”

  At least I hope not. Their behaviour’s beginning to scare me a little though. So much so that I actually jump when Doc starts speaking. Of course, they all notice and start snickering at me. I flip them the bird.

  “We don’t use anaesthetics here. As part of the cadet training, we believe in intervening as little as possible unless it is of detriment to your health, in order to strengthen your mind and body. By all accounts, increasing your resistance to pain.”

  Ah. Torture prep, got it.

  Multiple coughs and splutters go around as they all choke on their laughter.

  Oops, sounds like I’m running with loose lips again. “Well, I guess we should get started then. I’m going to need this little parasite with the way things are looking for me.” My joke falls flat. Everyone -including Doc- gives me a seriously unimpressed look. “Oh come on, it was a joke!”

  None of them are having it. Especially Aus and Rick who look like they are about to rain holy hell down on anyone who attempts to get close to me.

  I sigh. “Let’s just get on with it. The sooner the better right?! But I swear,” I point to each of the guys in turn. “If any of you are fainters, you better leave now. I can’t be dealing with that shit,” I stress, waving a hand in the air and casually walking over to the hospital bed in the center of the room, ready to get this over and done with.