I contemplated this in a thoughtful silence, unable deny that it hit a little too close to home.
"Are you mad?"
"No. Just thinking about stuff."
"Okay."
"That was painfully accurate."
"Yeah, it was."
"We haven't really talked or known each other in a long time, Sophie. How can you see me so clearly when I'm apparently blind to everything around me?"
"A few reasons, wanna hear?"
"Yeah."
"Even though you ran away from me, I couldn't let you go. I talked to Gus and Dad all the time, getting all the news about you that they knew or that they would tell me. They were very informative."
"Sophie," I said sadly.
"There's more. It's the most important reason."
I nodded, rubbing at my eyes.
"I love you, Maddie."
I sobbed. "I love you too. That's why I had to go."
"I knew you loved me. I always knew. But you didn't have to leave."
"Yes, I did."
"Why?"
"Because it hurt too much to see you with someone besides me."
"We were never going to be lovers, Maddie. You had to know that."
"Maybe I did. I just didn't want to believe it and I couldn't help how I felt."
"I couldn't help how I felt either. I found a husband but I lost my best friend. There've been a lot of times I needed you, and a lot of times I wanted to be there for you. It's hurt me for a very long time that you wouldn't or couldn't understand how much you mean to me. I wish we could've had this conversation years ago."
"I wasn't ready to have it."
"I can understand that. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I didn't want to."
"I know you didn't. It just took me some time to realize it."
She smiled at me and gave my belly a poke. "So tell me about your girlfriend. Is she pretty?"
"She's beautiful."
"Will I meet her today?"
"Yes."
"Have you boinked her?"
I gaped.
"So you have. How interesting," she purred teasingly. "Only known her for a few days and she's slapped you, called you names, and slept with you."
I frowned. It all sounded pretty pitiful when stated like that. "That makes me sound so cheap."
She giggled. "I know you're not cheap, Maddie. I just find it interesting."
"How so?"
"Because it sounds to me like she's got you right where she wants you."
----------
When we finally arrived at the chapel, the misery of the day fell heavily about me. Billy was waiting for us in his dress blues, and ushered us inside. There was barely enough room for one to find a place to stand and bodies lined the walls. It was a sea of black and blue, cops and robbers intermingling without prejudice.
I saw faces that I hadn't seen for years, some welcome and some not, but they were all present to pay their respects. My legs felt like lead and the journey to the empty pew directly in front was a long one. It was the place reserved for family and a place I'd never believed I'd have to sit. Gus had been a man of immense strength, and I always thought he'd be there for me forever. He was the rock at the center of my world. Dealing with the idea of him being mortal was something I'd never bothered to entertain and now that I was faced with it, my world seemed so suddenly empty and chaotic.
As we were being seated, I managed to grab Billy's arm. Whispering to him in a voice I couldn't recognize as my own. "Have you seen Anabel?"
"No, Maddie."
I burst into tears at the news, embarrassing myself in front of God and everybody. He helped me into my seat and Sophie took my hand in hers.
"I'll bring her up front when she gets here, Maddie," he whispered before withdrawing.
I could only nod and sit there weeping, totally unwilling to look at the coffin I knew was at the front of the room. I felt disassociated from everything, and wanted nothing more than to be able to crawl into a dark hole and never come out. I lost all sense of time and could focus on nothing but the hopefully fatal pain encompassing me.
A nudge from Woody elicited no response, although I was dimly aware of him rising to his feet from beside me. An arm slipped under mine as a body saddled up next to me, and my hand was grasped tightly. I was afraid to look, but I did anyway.
I almost didn't recognize her. Dressed in a sleek black suit with her hair tied into a severe bun that made it look short, she smiled at me from behind a pair of sunglasses.
"Sorry I'm late."
My head dropped to rest on her shoulder and I sat there wiping my eyes in relief. Her presence giving me the strength I needed to carry on for a little while.
And carry on I did. I had some pretty bad moments but the worst came with the eulogy that Joey stood up to deliver. He started to sniffle at the halfway point and I broke down completely, sobbing my way though the end of the service and out on to the street to take my place.
Marching through the cold managed to sober me a little, and I squeezed Anabel's hand as tightly as I dared. Afraid to let her go, needing her to keep me grounded.
I hated funerals and I hated this one with a passion. How I persevered through the graveside service is a mystery to me. I could only stand there bawling, wishing that the flag they were folding would be presented to me. I resented Woody more at that moment than I ever resented anything in my life. It was petty and irrational, but I felt it just the same. He was Gus's son and I was only his niece. I suddenly, and very intensely, hated Woody. I watched with helplessly watering eyes as the man approached.
I gasped when he stopped in front of me and extended the flag. My knees went weak and I felt myself begin to sway. It had to be a mistake, God was just twisting the knife. I managed to crane my neck to the side and meet Woody's eyes.
He just nodded.
It was the ultimate gift and I stumbled at the magnitude of it. An arm around my waist kept me on my feet and I accepted it with trembling hands, instantly clutching it to my chest possessively. The world started to spin and I was horrified. I was going to collapse in front of everybody and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. I could feel Anabel struggling to keep me upright, but she was faltering. Unexpectedly, I felt a much stronger arm prop me up from the other side and Woody spoke softly in my ear.
"Hang in there. It's almost over."
He shook me a little and I sluggishly got myself together. A few minutes later, I was being led to the limo. Inside the car, I rested my face hard against the window. I wanted to feel the cold, knowing that it would keep me somewhat lucid until I could find a place to waste away.
Everyone piled in after me and I was aware of Anabel whispering to me comfortingly, but I couldn't reply. She took my hand, stroking the top of it tenderly until we returned to Joey's house. I walked inside like a zombie and stood in the living room, vaguely aware of the questions being directed at me yet unable to hear them.
"I want to lay down," I said.
"Let's take her upstairs, we can put her in my bed," Sophie said. "Help me, Anabel."
They escorted me to the bedroom and I took the last steps to the bed in a rush. Throwing myself on top of it and curling up instantly, wanting to make myself as small as possible so the despair might overlook me. I was aware I had observers, but I didn't care. I cuddled my flag tightly and cried until I finally, and mercifully, fell asleep.
----------
"Maddie."
I grunted.
"Come on, sweetie. You need to get up."
A hand shook me and I grumbled incoherently.
"Mom's downstairs making a huge breakfast."
I ignored the voice, hoping it would go away.
"She's making banana pancakes," Sophie sung teasingly.
Now this got my attention and I cracked open an eye to find her hovering over me. "Really?"
"Are they still your favorite?"
I nodded.
"Then you better get up or the guys will ea
t them all before you get down there."
I scowled. "They better not."
A chuckle. "Rise and shine."
I grudgingly sat up, rubbing at my eyes.
"God, what a cranky face."
"Shut up," I mumbled, realizing with a start that something was missing and I looked around in growing panic. "Wh…where's my…"
"It's right there, Maddie," she interrupted quickly, pointing to the to top of her dresser. "Anabel put it there last night after you conked out."
I sighed deeply in relief but then I looked around again. "Where's Anabel?"
"She stayed with you all night, Maddie."
"She did?"
"Uh huh, she tried to get someone to work for her today but couldn't get a hold of anybody. She had to leave about an hour ago and was very upset about it. She wanted to be here when you woke up."
I felt a stupid smile take shape.
"I think you got a keeper there, Maddie. You better not mess it up."
"Isn't there a chance she could mess it up instead of me?"
"Nope."
I frowned. Why was I always the one in the big black hat? "Why's that?"
Sophie bounced on to the bed beside me excitedly. "She's great, Maddie! We talked about you for hours last night!"
I gave her an ugly look, not liking the sound of that at all.
She gave me a swat. "Don't get all pissy. She had nothing but nice things to say about you."
"Really?"
"Yep."
"What did she say?"
"Oh, just girl stuff."
"Such as?"
"Well, she said you make a funny face when you come and…"
"She did not!" I practically roared.
She fell on to her back, overcome with giggles. I crossed my arms over my chest indignantly and waited impatiently for her to finish.
"No wonder the guys still pick on you," she snickered after a moment. "You're such an easy mark."
I rolled my eyes and glared at the ceiling.
She gave me a poke. "Stop pouting, Maddie."
"Humph."
Another quick laugh and she climbed off the bed. "Go wash your face and come down to breakfast. Mom was almost done when I came up here."
"Okay," I grumbled, throwing the covers off and rising to my feet. I was still fully dressed from the day before and was suddenly overcome with sadness. My eyes started to water as they wandered over to the folded flag sitting on top of the dresser.
"Hey," Sophie said gently, coming over to take my hand. "There'll be plenty of time for that later. Let's go have some pancakes," she added, tugging me toward the door.
I let her lead me to the bathroom and was appalled by the reflection waiting for me in the mirror. "I look like hammered shit."
"You do not," she said softly. "I wish I was half as pretty as you."
I blinked. Did she really think that? I always thought that of the two of us, she was the gorgeous one. But then again, I'd been in love with her for a long time. "You'll always be beautiful to me, Sophie."
She beamed a smile. "Don't let Anabel hear you say that."
"Oh? Why?"
"I think she felt a little threatened by me."
I sighed. As far as Anabel was concerned, I didn't have a goddamn secret left to my name.
"Don't fret over it, Maddie. She had your number anyway."
I stared at my reflection. Was I really that fuckin' transparent? I shook my head to clear my thoughts and started to wash my face.
"I'll be waiting for you downstairs, okay?"
I grunted an affirmative and looked after my morning necessities, ambling down the stairs a few minutes later. The living was room was still a mess from the previous evening and I headed for the kitchen, the sounds of a boisterous conversation coming from within. A little self-conscious, I tried to slip quietly into the crowd.
"Maddie!" Carla thundered, announcing my arrival to the entire neighborhood. "Pull up a chair, I cooked up a big batch of pancakes just for you."
I grinned. I'd been a little worried the guys would eat them all just because they knew I liked them. It wouldn't have been the first time. The jerks.
I took a seat in the empty chair next to Sophie and looked around the room. Woody, Billy, and Joey were arguing good-naturedly over something while Tony and Jimmy mumbled to each other. Sophie patted my leg and a smile threatened to split my face as Carla deposited an enormous stack of pancakes in front of me.
"There ya go, honey," she said, planting a kiss on the top of my head. "If you can finish those, there's more where that came from."
"Thanks!"
She chuckled and floated away as I dug greedily into my plate. Carla was a groovy lady, although I often thought as a kid I'd grow up to have her handprint permanently embedded on my face, Sophie too for that matter. One learned quickly that smart-ass remarks or vulgar language around her would result in a lightening fast slap. I'd even seen Gus and Joey receive a few over the years.
"Maddie," Woody addressed me amusedly. "What do you remember about our trip to Vegas?"
I groaned. "I remember it was hot and the road trip was unbearable."
"You don't remember Gus's ice cream?" Joey asked.
I started to laugh. I hadn't thought about that in forever. We had all been crammed into a van that Gus had borrowed to get us out there. Of course, the air conditioner didn't work and being northerners, we were totally unprepared for the devastating heat of the Nevada desert. It felt like the surface of the sun and by the time we were ready to head back, most of us were burned and resembled boiled lobsters. It was a cranky, long, miserably hot trek out of the desert and the close quarters had us snapping at each other.
To make matters worse, we had to keep all the windows rolled down and it made it hard to speak to each other over the wind blowing in. Then there was the fly. The little bastard was a survivor, tormenting us all, refusing to leave, and deftly avoiding every attempt made on his life.
We were passing through some little town when Sophie spotted a Dairy Queen and started whining for us to stop, I happily joined in and grumbling, Gus took the exit. Soon, we were back on the road and immersed in our treats while Gus weaved through traffic with one hand, holding his untouched, two-scoop, chocolate dipped cone in the other. I just happened to be looking at him as he got us back on the Interstate and leaned back in his seat. The fly chose that moment to make a reappearance and he swatted at it absentmindedly, tossing his yet to be sampled ice cream right out the window.
I watched him stare after it as if he expected it to come back and my cheeks ballooned in an effort to keep from choking
"I'll be goddamned!"
I started shrieking laughter, quickly dissolving into uncontrollable hysterics. My antics were so contagious that everybody, sensing blood in the water, was suddenly alight with amusement and already beginning to chuckle. I was laughing so hard my eyes were watering, and I couldn't answer the eager questions being directed at me.
"What's a matter, Gus?" Joey asked.
I risked a glance at him and you could practically see the smoke coming from his ears. I turned to jelly in my seat, laboring to catch my breath.
"I just threw my fuckin' ice cream out the window!"
"He was swatting at the fly," I chortled. "He hadn't even licked it yet!"
They erupted in hilarity, Carla cackling so uproariously she forgot to whack Gus for his profanity. Merriment at his expense overtook everyone and we carried on for so long that you could hear his teeth grinding in the car behind us.
Chuckles encompassed the table. "God, he was so mad," Sophie snickered.
"He didn't speak to anyone until we were in Missouri," Joey hooted, instigating another wave of mirth.
"Maddie, you remember Gus catching us the first time we got drunk?" Sophie asked.
I winced. "God, yes. He blistered our asses for that."
"When was this?" Joey asked. "I don't remember hearing anything."
"I guess we were what,
close to fifteen?" Sophie asked.
"Yeah."
"Why didn't I know about this?" Joey asked darkly. "What happened?"
"Oh, be quiet, Daddy," Sophie chided. "It was years ago."
"We got into the liquor one day after school and he caught us red-handed."
"I'd never been so sick in my life, I still can't get within a foot of tequila," Sophie said with a shudder.
"Me either."
"I can't believe Gus didn't tell me this," Joey mumbled. "I'd have busted your ass too."
"Trust me, Joey. We learned our lesson and he probably thought we didn't need to get another one from you."
"What'd he do?"
"We passed out in the kitchen with the evidence all around us," I said, shaking my head sadly. "We both got the belt as soon as he roused us from our stupor, then he put us to work out in the backyard."
"I thought I was gonna die," Sophie said grimly. "He kept us up all night, had us pulling weeds and stuff until the sun came up."
"He supervised from a lawn chair and we got sprayed with a garden hose every time we threw up, started to cry, or looked like we might pass out."
Predictably, the guys thought this was a riot, but Carla came to our defense.
"That's horrible," she admonished. "How could he be so mean?"
"Oh, hush," Joey chuckled. "I'll bet the girls avoided the booze for years after that."
"I know I did. I think the next drink I took was in college."
"Me too," Sophie said. "I panicked every time I was offered any. Kept looking over my shoulder scared to death Gus would somehow appear."
The laughter started again and we spent the rest of the morning reminiscing. It was a happy day engaged in both laughter and tears. When it was over, and I was finally on my way home, I couldn't help but think, that maybe, just maybe, I'd be okay after all.
----------
I let myself in the door and stumbled around in the dark, having not a left a light on the day before. I fumbled for a lamp and then made a beeline to my phone to speed dial Anabel's number. I waited through twelve rings prior to hanging up and calling information to get her store number. My lower lip started to protrude as I was informed she had already left for the day.
Stories by Kiera Dellacroix Page 92