She sank onto the edge of the bed. The voices continued, the questions repeated again and again.
“Stop it!” she yelled, coming to her feet. “Stop it, all of you. Just stop. I can’t take it. Go away. Go to your rooms and be quiet. Just be quiet!”
By the end she was screaming, her voice echoing off the walls. Audrey and Lucy reached for each other’s hands and hung on tight. Madison’s face hardened with loathing.
“You’re such a bitch,” she said clearly, before walking out of the room.
Deanna ignored her and the other two. She walked into the bathroom where the twins were shivering in the water, crying.
“Get up,” she snapped.
They both stood. She wrapped towels around them and lifted them out of the tub.
“Go to your room. Dry off and put on your pajamas. Do it now.”
Still crying, their eyes wide with tears and fear, the twins ran out of the bathroom.
She smelled it then. The stench of alcohol and dirt. Heard the skittering sound of roaches and rats, saw the piles of trash. She was back in her old house, her mother screaming like a crazy person.
“Stop it! Just stop it. You’re sucking me dry. I have nothing left. Go away.”
The house had been so tiny and Deanna hadn’t had a room of her own. She remembered crawling into a corner and trying to make herself as small as possible. So the yelling would stop. So she wouldn’t get hit. So the hits wouldn’t turn into beatings.
“I’m not like her,” she whispered, but when she looked at herself in the mirror, she saw her mother. The clothes were different, as was the face, but the voice was the same.
She forced herself to breathe. When the shaking finally stopped, she pulled the plug in the tub, then walked over to the toilet. She raised the lid, bent over and vomited.
There was no food, just bile and self-hatred. When the retching was done, she sank onto the floor, wrapped her arms around her knees and began to rock back and forth.
* * *
Boston stood in the center of what would be the waiting room and tried to see walls where there was only framed spaces and subflooring. Over the past couple of weeks, she’d managed to come up with drawings of a half dozen animals and bugs for the jungle mural. Each time she sat down to draw, she became convinced she couldn’t do it, but she managed. The cartoon creatures weren’t anyone’s idea of brilliant, but they were progress and she kept telling herself it would get easier with time.
She’d picked out her color scheme and had prepared a sample of the colors together for Andi to approve. Next up would be a painting-size view of the mural itself. Something for her to work from when she started on the actual walls.
Just the thought of putting it all together nearly made her break out in hives, but that was okay. Every time she got scared, she went back to her studio and drew pictures of her son until her heart stopped racing so much. The time to recover her equilibrium was getting shorter and shorter.
Andi’s mural was a project designed to help her heal. Boston wasn’t sure she liked that reality, but she didn’t know how to avoid it. She supposed wanting to move on and wanting to stay stuck were equally understandable reactions. As long as she was in pain, Liam was still with her.
“Hey.”
She turned and nearly dropped her pad when she saw Wade walk into the house.
“What are you doing here?” she demanded. “You were supposed to go to Marysville and talk to the cabinet supplier.”
“I’m happy to see you, too,” her brother-in-law said as he raised his eyebrows. “He rescheduled.”
Boston pressed her lips together. “Sorry. It’s just...” She glanced down at her pad, then back at him. “I didn’t want you to know I’d come by.”
Wade shook his head. “Why not?”
“I’m painting a mural for Andi’s waiting room.”
She didn’t have to say more than that. Zeke and Wade were close. She knew they talked about nearly everything. So Zeke would have told his brother about the paintings of Liam and how he didn’t think she was dealing with the loss of their son. Zeke would take news of her working on the mural as a good sign. She wasn’t far enough along in the process to know if it was or not.
Wade smiled. “That’s great. Why didn’t you want me to know?”
“Because Zeke doesn’t know and I’m not ready to tell him.”
Wade held up both hands and took a step back. “I’m not getting in the middle of that.”
“I know, which is why I wanted to come by when I thought you were gone. I didn’t want to put you in the middle of anything. Can you pretend I wasn’t here?”
Wade dropped his arms to his sides. “Sure, but I won’t like it.”
“Thank you.” She studied him. “Andi’s nice. I’ve seen her with Deanna’s kids. She’s really good with them. And she’s pretty. Don’t you love her curly hair?”
His dark eyes narrowed. “Boston, what the hell are you going on about?”
“I’m just saying, you’re single, she’s single.”
“She’s a client.”
“Oh, please. Since when has that been an issue?”
“It hasn’t. I’m saying I don’t think it’s a good idea to date a client while we’re still on the job.”
“So you’ll date her when you’re done?”
He groaned. “Are you torturing me on purpose? I thought you liked me.”
“I do. You’re my favorite brother-in-law. I’m simply pointing out that she’s pretty and funny and single. You should take advantage of that.”
“No way.”
Boston stared at him. “Why not? You don’t like her?”
“I like her just fine.” He shrugged. “She’s a doctor.”
Boston waited for the rest of the sentence.
“That’s it,” Wade told her. “She’s a doctor.”
“You hate doctors?”
“She’s well educated. Smart. I’m a guy who does construction.”
“So?”
“I’m not her type.”
Boston felt her confusion drift away. “You do realize you said you weren’t her type, not the other way around. So you are interested.”
Wade groaned. “Kill me now, I beg you.”
“No way. So you like her. You should ask her out. I think she’d say yes.”
He raised his head and stared at her. “How do you know that?”
“I’m naturally intuitive.”
“Yeah, right.” One corner of his mouth turned up. “She was asking about me.”
“Maybe.”
“Interesting.”
She grinned. “Is this where I remind you it’s not a good idea to date a client?”
“Shut up.”
She laughed. “You’re such a guy.”
“It’s one of my best qualities.”
* * *
Andi leaned back in her chair and wished her office had a window. Then she could throw herself out of it. While the two- or three-foot drop to the grass around the office building wouldn’t do any damage, the act would be nicely symbolic.
Instead she held the phone to her ear, her eyes closed, her psyche braced for the upcoming onslaught.
“You’re settling into your house, then?” her mother asked.
“Most of my things are in storage, so there wasn’t much to settle. The construction is moving along.”
“I suppose that’s a good thing.” Her mother sighed. “Your father and I have made peace with your decision.”
“At last I can sleep tonight.”
“Sarcasm?” her mother asked. “I thought you’d outgrown being sarcastic.”
“No. I’m going to be sarcastic to my grave. Sorry, Mom.”
“I supp
ose you can’t help it. As I was saying, we’ve decided that if you’re going to waste your life giving vaccinations and bandaging scraped knees, you might as well provide those services in some little backwater town. I’m sure they need decent medical care there.”
“I’m sure they do. So far the gratitude is very heartening. Some of my patients pay me with livestock. Just last week I got two chickens and the hindquarters of an elk.”
Her mother sighed. “Really, Andi. Is that necessary?”
She opened her eyes. “Kind of. I’m a ferry ride away from Seattle. We have running water and cell service, Mom. Backwater? I’m living in a tourist nirvana.”
“Fine. Your point is taken. I just hate to see you wasting your life. You could have done important work.”
“My work is important to me.”
“I heard about a fellowship,” her mother began.
“No.”
“But it’s—”
“No. You’re going to have accept the fact that I’m happy with what I’m doing.”
“But you’re a pediatrician.”
And the family screwup, Andi thought. The one who never quite measured up. “Let it go, Mom.”
“All right. You know there’s talk of your sister and her research team being nominated for a Nobel Prize.”
“Good for her.”
“Your father and I are going to a medical symposium in British Columbia next month. Maybe we’ll stop by on our way.”
Ack! A visit from family. Why her? “That would be lovely,” she managed, hoping she sounded at least vaguely sincere.
Her mother sighed again. It was something the esteemed Dr. Gordon did a lot when speaking with her youngest. “I do love you, Andi. As does your father.”
“I know, Mom. You just wish I’d had a little more ambition.”
“That would have been nice. You’re a Gordon.”
“Lucky me.”
“I’ll send you the information on the fellowship.”
“I really wish you wouldn’t.”
A sharp beeping sound cut through the call.
“That’s me,” her mother said. “I have to go. I’ll talk to you soon.”
There was a click and the call disconnected. Andi put the receiver back in place, then glanced around for that elusive window.
Chapter Fourteen
DEANNA HOVERED IN her bedroom. It had been three days since her outburst. Three days of her children watching her warily and getting quiet when she walked into the room. The twins had forgotten what had happened, but the older girls remembered. They were afraid.
She recognized the symptoms because she’d experienced them herself. She knew what it was like to not be sure what to expect, to live with rules that always changed but punishments that were swift and harsh and often left scars. She’d vowed she would be nothing like her mother.
She wasn’t, she told herself. Her house was beautiful. Clean. Perfect. There were regular meals of good food, and her children wanted for nothing. Yet their eyes were as shadowed as hers had been, and when she’d walked by Lucy that morning, her daughter had flinched.
Down the hall, Madison was in her room with her best friend, Carrie. Even though it was a weeknight, Deanna had agreed to a sleepover. Probably out of guilt. Now she wished Madison would go to the bathroom or something so Deanna could speak with Carrie alone.
Not that she had anything particular she wanted to say; it was just that Carrie was so friendly and approachable. Most of the time Deanna had no idea what to say to her own daughter, but conversation with Carrie was easy. Right now Deanna needed to spend a second with a kid who didn’t look at her as if she were the devil.
Determined to think up an excuse, she started down the hall, only to come to a stop when she heard Carrie’s voice in a low, worried tone.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine,” Madison told her. “Just forget about it.”
“I can’t. I’m worried. You need to talk to your mom.”
Deanna pressed her hand to her chest. Talk to her about what? Was Madison sick? Had something happened at school?
“I’m not talking to her,” Madison insisted, her tone low and angry. “I would never talk to her about this.”
“But she’s your mom.”
“I can’t help that, but I won’t let her think she’s important to me. I hate her.”
Deanna leaned against the wall, her chest tight, her eyes burning. The absolute rejection cut her down to brittle bone and left her in pieces.
“You’re wrong about her,” Carrie insisted. “She’s not so bad. Parents are supposed to tell you what to do. My dad does it all the time.”
“He’s different. He loves you. When he looks at you, he’s so happy and proud. She only sees us as a mess she has to clean up. She cares about what other people think, not what we feel. She wants everyone to think she’s so perfect. It’s all about her.”
“Even if that’s true, you’re still lucky.” Carrie’s voice was quiet. “I’d give anything to have my mom back.”
“You can have mine.”
Madison’s dismissal, so cold and practiced, made Deanna start to shake. She turned and started back toward her bedroom. The walls seemed to be moving—closing in on her—and she didn’t know how to make them stop.
“Mom?”
She stopped and blinked, bringing Lucy into focus. “What?”
“You never said if I could go to the party. I was hoping you’d say yes.”
Her second oldest, as blond and blue-eyed as her sister, stared at her. The ridiculous glasses perched on her nose made her look like an owl. It was as if the other girls were in sharp relief while Lucy was slightly out of focus.
“Fine. Go.”
Her daughter smiled widely and moved toward her, as if offering a hug. At the last minute, she took a step back and raced for her room. Deanna stared after her. She’d already lost Madison. Would Lucy be next? Then Audrey? One by one her children were drifting away, and for the life of her, she couldn’t say why.
* * *
“I’ve saved the best for last,” Wade said, leading the way down the hallway to the back of what would be her office.
Andi followed him, as interested in his butt as she was in the progress being made. Not only was there actual drywall, but the majority of her medical equipment had been delivered and was stacked in what would be the waiting room. The remodeling was coming together.
While the office would be finished in a matter of a few weeks, her living area was progressing more slowly. The second floor would house her kitchen and great room, along with a guest bedroom and bath. On that level, they were still at the “oh, look, there are new electrical wires” stage. From a layperson’s perspective, drywall was a lot more exciting than a few wires. Probably because it defined actual rooms.
Once the second floor was finished, she would move into the guest room and Wade and his men would go to work on the attic. That level would be turned into a master suite, a home office and a third bedroom. The entire project was to be finished by sometime in September. From how things were progressing, her office level would be done in plenty of time for her to open her practice before school started.
Wade walked into the break room and stepped to the side. Andi looked at the beautiful wood cabinets. They weren’t installed and there weren’t any countertops yet, but she could see the rich finish and details on the molding.
“I have cabinets,” she said happily, running her hands down the side of the closest one. “I love them.”
“Good, because they’re the same ones you’re getting upstairs.”
“They’re beautiful.”
Wade had suggested ordering the same cabinets for the whole house. One big order rather than two or three
smaller orders of different types of cabinets reduced the costs.
“We’ll move these out and lay down the flooring,” he said. “But I had the guys put them in here first so you could see what they looked like.”
“And the layout,” she said, studying the placement. She could see where the sink would go. “You were right about the long countertop. That’s going to be really practical.”
Light spilled in from the big window that faced her backyard. Even in winter, the break room would be bright and cheerful.
She turned to him. “I love it all.”
“Good.”
His voice was low and just a little bit sexy. Or maybe it was completely normal and she was reacting to being within a tight space with a handsome man. Either way she felt a distinct tingle low enough in her belly to make her want to squirm.
He leaned against the drywall. “How are you settling in to life here on the island?”
“I’m finding my way. Everyone is friendly.” She thought about mentioning that she was getting the hang of her Pilates class, but didn’t think he would find that interesting.
“You were asking Boston about me.”
Andi felt her mouth drop open. Thoughts crowded her mind. That Boston was Wade’s sister-in-law, so it wasn’t completely surprising she’d said something, but still. Wasn’t there a female code? That Wade’s mentioning the conversation could either mean he was interested or that he wanted her to go away. In an emotional sense, of course. She suspected he didn’t want her actually moving, as that would mean not getting paid.
“Yes, well, I wouldn’t worry about it,” she said, then cleared her throat. “Rumor has it I’m a lesbian, so you’re safe.”
One dark eyebrow rose. “Are you?”
“No.”
“Good.”
Good? As in...good?
He straightened. “I’m thinking safe is overrated.”
Her gaze locked with his. She was tall, but he was much taller and she had to tilt her head back as he approached.
“I have a daughter.”
“I’ve met her. She’s terrific.”
“I think so.”
He moved closer still. Not touching, but certainly invading her space. The girly bits volunteered for a full frontal assault, but Andi did her best to ignore the hungry pleas.
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