The Avatar

by Anderson, Poul

  "No, wait-"

  Her laughter blessed him. "Aye, it's homely you are beside the Apollo Belvedere, and I'm no flashbomb either. But you are beautiful because you are you. You look like yourself, the man I'm in love with. And likewise for you beholding me, is that not true, my Own?"

  In a heartbeat she turned serious - woundable - and cast herself against him. "Oh, Dan, Dan, we're bound into unknownness, we can foresee neither what will become of us nor what we will become; but we have this night. Hold me, Dan, make love to me, love me."

  XLIV

  Jump.

  Light, everywhere light. It was as if space had become a dewdrop in dawnlight, and they at its heart. Soft iridescences, every color that was which every seeing creature had ever known, swirled, mingled, shivered, flowed, flooded, with here and there a brief rush of starlike sparks in fountains, clusters, dancing pairs and triplets, solitaries arching through graceful great curves before they died out to be rekindled elsewhere. The sight took awareness by storm and bore the beholder off into its mighty harmonies.

  They in Chinook had no way to tell what size was the globe of luminance that enclosed them. Surely it was vast. The T machine was dwarfed by the distance at which the ship had emerged. As remote, and of comparable hugeness, were two other things. The first was perhaps a white-hot sphere, though forces and torrents made perception waver; lesser shapes, likewise veiled, moved around it on intricate paths. The second was a sweetly curved ellipsoid which seemed to be more immaterial, quasi-solid and of ultimate strength, than the vessel which had passed through galactic center ages ago. A webwork extended from it, not identical with what the observatories bore at the neutron star and the black hole, but possessing the same intricate delicacy.

  Here are the Others! blazed in Joelle. No beings but the Others could have wrought this.

  She sent forth her probes, opened her multitudinous senses, summoned her entire comprehension of the Noumenon. I'll not realize everything that's happening here, but I'll grasp enough that I can ask the right questions when the Others arrive, questions to prove me worthy of entering their fellowship.

  Then: she was blind, she was deaf, she was numb, she was lame. Instruments could register nothing except what they were designed to. Theory could account for nothing in an environment whose nature sprang from principles wholly beyond it. An earthworm could more readily imagine and explain birdflight than she could make this place a part of her Reality.

  Stunned, she barely noticed the sudden appearance of an asteroid not far from Chinook. The dark, jagged mass had for companion a small golden-shining prismatic form that moved at once toward the incandescent globe. The asteroid followed. Rapidly gaining speed, the two were soon lost to vision.

  Brodersen's hail reached her as if through a stone wall: "Joelle, how're you doing? What can you tell us?"

  "I can't," she heard herself whimper.

  "Yeah, no surprise." Through his dry words, the captain's tone resonated. "Listen, friends. Whatever we've found, and I do believe it is what we've hunted for, we can only wait till these... builders... get in touch. I imagine they will, they're bound to've noticed us. Leave your stations. We'll meet in the common room. Best to be together."

  Joelle rallied. "I'll stay in holothesis," she said.

  "Good. Thanks. I was hoping you would."

  "You'll be with us just the same," Caitlin called.

  No, not really, I'm certain. Pride and faith rose anew in Joelle. I should not have been dismayed to discover a whole new kingdom of the Law. Rather let me be eager to learn of it and take it into myself. Let me trust the Others will teach me.

  Against the auroral skies a point of light sprang into view. Swiftly it grew until it was a nacreous arrow shape, bound straight for Chinook from the direction of the ellipsoid, which must be where the creators dwelt. They are coming, they are coming. And I am she who will converse with them, who is able to, I, alone among humans, I, who have gone beyond the human.

  The crew floated waiting. Screens gave on immense and gentle brilliance; rainbow tints flew across them to make changeable the chamber they were in. They clasped each other around the waist, Rueda and Susanne, Frieda between Leino and Dozsa, Caitlin between Brodersen and Weisenberg. They shared each other's breath, sweat, animal odors, warmth - sometimes taste, in a kiss.

  The stranger ship, if ship it was, drew nigh, no larger than Williwaw, flowingly formed but featureless behind its iridescence. By invisible means it halted alongside, a hundred meters off. And there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.

  "Can you raise them, Joelle?" the captain asked hoarsely. "No," he heard. "Neither laser nor radio. Nor do I detect anything from them."

  "But I'll bet they're looking us over," he said, "in some way we're ignorant of, that we can't even feel."

  Caitlin tensed in her man's embrace. "Can't you?" she whispered.

  "What?" He snapped his head rightward to see her. Luminance played over red-brown hair; the green gaze was lost in outwardness; breasts strained at coverall as the air went in and out of her. "You can?"

  "I don't know," she answered in a sleepwalker's voice. "How could I know? But I sense - no words can tell - a stirring that is bright - lost memories rise before me like minnows from the sea- Do none of you?"

  Fright seized him. A scan of the whole body, nerves, brain... had she been singled out, or was she more sensitive?... Suddenly he remembered the Elf Hill story she had from her mother. "Oh, Pegeen!" He gripped her hard, and felt Weisenberg's arm tighten likewise.

  "Be not afraid for me, darlings," she said, while she never turned her face from the universe. "It's a happy state. How could the Others be other than good?"

  A minute or two later - many heartstrokes in Brodersen's aching chest - she trembled, looked bewildered around, and said thinly, "It's gone. It's left me."

  "Gone to anyone else?" Weisenberg barked. He got mumbled negatives. "I suppose they're through, then," he ventured. "What next?"

  Still the arrow lay moveless.

  "A message must be going back through the T machines," Joelle said. "Our coming must be unusual even for them, quite possibly unprecedented. They'll want to consult records, perhaps call in a specialist. But I don't expect we'll have long to wait."

  "No, they'd not torment us," Caitlin said. Brodersen could virtually share how she eased, moment by moment, returning from a wakeful dream to herself.

  "But what will they do?" Susanne's tone stumbled. Her look at Rueda gave away that it was him for whom she feared. "We 'ave entered a, a 'ome of the gods."

  "Aye, and myths tell how mortals who did that were never the same again," Caitlin replied. "Yet I think we'll be more than we were, not less." To Brodersen she breathed, "As long as I may keep on loving you-"

  The half hour drew to a slow close. A second lean hull came in sight, hurtling from the direction of the T machine toward Chinook.

  It lay to on the opposite side of the human craft from its twin. Resplendence encompassed all three and the tremendous works beyond.

  On every waveband she had, Joelle radiated her salutation. Here I am, she proclaimed in the human languages she knew, and the Betan, and what she had mastered of the Oracular. Here I am, she with whom you can speak, she who has awaited you as a bride awaits.

  A response welled forth in her that was a benediction: -Greeting, Joelle Ky. Be glad; be at rest. (Perception of her grew.) O poor grieved spirit, be now at last at peace!

  Who are you? What are you?

  -Be not afraid.

  Of you?

  -Yes, you fear no harm, Joelle Ky, and in this you are right. Here at the end of your quest is shelter. But a dread more deep is in you, that we will not or cannot grant you your holiest wish. A promise will not annul that, for it may well prove to be true. Can you heal the terror, and wait calmly for whatever must happen?

  It ripped through her. When will you decide?

  -After some time, we fear. We are not supernatural beings, instantly omnis
cient and infallible. We have come here to know you, whence you have fared and why, what you are striving for, how a victory of yours might change the course of time, perhaps for many different worlds - to know such things fully enough that we can dare to judge.

  Had her arms not been bound in linkage, had she not been afloat in the firmament, she would have raised them in prayer. I see. Here I am, then, Take me, examine me, ask me out, use me however you will.

  The kindly thought (she could feel the kindness, like sunshine inside her) said: -You are not needed. That is well, since you are not representative of your race; you see the cosmos askew from your shipmates, as badly as you have been hurt. We would have looked into them as best we could. But by the greatest good fortune, we do not need them either, imperfect as our knowledge would have been. An avatar of ours is aboard.

  What? I don't understand-

  -We must leave you now and seek her. It would be cruel to keep your people waiting longer than the least time we can take to learn. Let courage bring calm, Joelle Ky. Do not abide in your holothesis. (No command; a plea:) Go to your fellow humans and be one among them. Farewell.

  The presence vanished. Joelle sat in her harness, marginally aware of what the intercom brought her. Once she tried to weep, and failed. After that, grimly, she stayed where she was.

  A woman's rich contralto said from the intercom speaker, in English whose lilt brought a gasp from Caitlin: "May the best that there is be always yours. We would like to enter. Please let us in, if you will, by your Number Three personnel lock. It's happy we'll be to meet you."

  "If we will-!" ripped from Brodersen. Nonetheless, soldier's habit made him tell his comrades: "You stay put. I'll go, and bring them back."

  Besides, that's sort of a cramped area for receiving the lords of the universe, passed within him, as ludicrously as did consciousness of dry mouth and clamorous pulse. With shoving legs and snatching hands he propelled himself through corridors and companionway to the control board he wanted. Then he must wait a minute for his shakes to subside before he could operate the motor.

  The inner valve retracted. Two came in. Silvery auras enrobed them, which must protect against space - Brodersen decided in his rocking mind - for they blinked immediately out of existence. Before him poised a man and a woman.

  Should I kneel? No, you can't kneel in free fall! "W-w-welcome. We're, uh, at your service."

  Both were tall, well-formed, supple, fair, and blue-eyed. Long yellow hair framed faces strong and comely, youthful and immemorially mature. The man, bearded, wore a tunic that might be linen, a kilt that might be wool, shoes that might be leather, a broad cloak. The woman, whose tresses fell nearly to her more lightly shod feet, wore a flowing gown and a mantle. The garments were embroidered and many-hued. Both persons were bejeweled in gold and silver and crystal: fillets, torques, bracelets, brooches, rings of intertwining patterns. The knives at their colorful belts gave an impression of being tools, not weapons. He carried a staff, bronze-banded, whose finial was a spray of twigs whereon grew leaves. Perched there and on his shoulders or flying about, singing, were birds, lark, thrush, linnet, robin redbreast. In her arm she bore a small harp.

  Both smiled. "No, it's we who should bid you welcome, brave wanderer," said the man. His baritone rang. "Would you lead us to your fellows?"

  "Aye, sir, aye." Brodersen did, in too much tumult for thinking. The pair did not require rails, handgrips, or kickspots to move. They ghosted along upright.

  Through the companionway, down the hail, to the door of the common room...

  Brodersen hung back to let the visitors precede him. Thus he did not see Caitlin when he heard her cry out. "O-o-o-oh!" - no sight in the whole journey had brought such a sound from her. Alarmed, he swung himself around the jamb. She floated in Weisenberg's clasp, arms lifted, lips parted, tears breaking loose to dance and glitter. He forgot caution and respect, launched his body at her, reached her with a force that nearly tore the engineer loose.

  "Pegeen, what's wrong?"

  "Nothing," she choked. "They- Aengus mac Og, the god of love. Brigit his sister, the goddess of bards - You cannot be, can you, can you?"

  The man shook his head. "No," he said quietly. "The one thing which they are not whom you call the Others, is gods. For you, though, for your solace and in homage, we have striven to be a shadow of these."

  The woman moved toward Caitlin. The two men beside the girl let her go, that she might unhindered receive that touch. "Dear you are," she who was Brigit murmured, "and much do we long to know you in fullness, and give you our thanks for what you will have given us."

  "What? I," Caitlin stammered, "tramp, she-fool, doggerel maker, what could I ever in the world be offering you?"

  "The living you have done." Brigit set the harp adrift and took her to her bosom.

  With a handhold for pivot, Brodersen twisted about to glare at Aengus. From among his songbirds, the son of the Dagda said:

  "Fear not for her. Never willingly will we cause her sorrow, nor wittingly more than we must. All life is for cherishing. Oh, we too kill, we too let die, for we are not gods and most absolutely not God; we too are often bound to a fate. Yet as far as we may, we foster life; and we guard and revere freedom as far as we may, for that is the highest epiphany of life which we know. Should we not then honor the rights of our avatars?"

  "Avatar- incarnation-" Suddenly Weisenberg looked old. "Do you mean she's a thing you made-"

  "No," Aengus told them, while Brigit held Caitlin close and murmured to her. "How could a work of our own live in wholeness a life that is not our own? She is as human as you are. The differences in her are less than the differences- in the build of the cells, in the burden of the blood- between any twain of you. Had she never been Summoned, she would have ended her days unknowing what power slept in her."

  "What power is that?" Leino croaked.

  Brigit lifted her countenance from Caitlin. "To become one with us," she said.

  Aengus: "Were we in truth gods, we could look straight into your souls. But we are only the Others, who by ourselves can only touch the thinnest uppermost part of a mind, and cannot feel at all the inwardness of an entity that has none."

  Brodersen, violently: "Well, what the hell are you? Pure intellects, loose in space and time, or what?"

  Brigit, smiling a little, speaking more to Caitlin than him: "Indeed no. What but a body can bring forth and carry a mind? And were it possible, would not a spirit alone, bereft of senses and sinews and every joy that is in the cosmos, be a pitiful thing? We, your Others, are corporeal as you, the matter in us born from the stars like yours, old animal needs in us also. We are your kindred."

  Brodersen: "Huh? What are you really like under those masks?"

  Aengus: "Are they masks?"

  Brigit: "Och, a few small, easily made changes, just for the sake of our avatar. Were she a different kind of human, as most have been, we might have thought best to appear black-skinned or slant-eyed or crag-browed or whatever seemed right. But underneath- We did not come the whole way from Earth in answer to call, Daniel, merely because we chanced to be there."

  Aengus: "We should not carry this on farther. Not until we know from Caitlin your whole story, beyond any telling that mere words or mere thoughts can give." He had become entirely grave. His regard crucified Brodersen. "You must understand, Captain, that we do not yet understand you. We believe you are folk of good will. Nonetheless, returning, you might bring ruin, maybe in part from knowledge of what should not be uncaged among your people in a day of peril. If we cannot give you the way back, you will have your full spans in a pleasant place we shall prepare. But I think you would rather go home."

  Brodersen and the most of his crew: "Yes, oh, yes."

  Aengus: "Let us defer saying more until we feel certain of what we may say. Caitlin is for us the chalice of that discovery."

  Brigit: "If she wishes." To the girl she still embraced: "Darling, you will endure no harm, no pain, except what you your
self may choose afterward. Remembering has its price; but if you want, you shall be freed of every memory." She kissed her on the brow. "I do warn you, I believe you will not so desire.

  "Think well, child. Take time. Never would we force you or hasten you. We cannot be wholly sure what oneness with us will do to you. Think; ask of us; ask among your comrades; be as long about this as you like, and not afraid to say no."

  Caitlin raised her face to that which was a goddess' and answered through tears: "Unless I go, we won't come home, is that not right?" She laughed; the mirth sounded real. "Besides, here is the very lord of love."

  The Other changed his look of concern to a smile and replied low, "We all of us love you."

  "There has been enough talk," Brigit said. "Let there be song." She took her harp from the air beside her.

  Afterward nobody could ever quite tell what had happened, save that in the end they followed Aengus, Brigit, and Caitlin to the airlock, and amidst music bade farewell. By then the girl was wholly enraptured. She kissed her men goodbye as she might have kissed in a dream.

  Both shining ships withdrew from Chinook.

  XLV

  I was an avatar whose lot was more strange than even they had foreseen who brought me into being. Had I remained home, likely at some time during my life those of them whose care was for man would have Summoned me. They would then have shared much joy, a measure of sorrow, many longings and wonderings, angers, calls, doings, triumphs, disasters, fears, marvels, wishes, bindings, loosings, maybe a slow slight growth of wisdom: the years of an ordinary human. But chance and desire brought me to them, at the uttermost ends of this our universe.

  What happened thereafter, I cannot now know. My body recalls too little of it, and that little a phantom of the truth, though nonetheless nothing for which I can make words. The beauties and glories - can you sing a painting or sculpture a melody? And they were the least of the reality.

  You see, the Others and I were not merely united, we were a whole. Their awareness, intellect, senses, recollections, outlook, feelings, souls were mine, as my soul was theirs. They were me, I was them, I was an Other.