Glass Girl

by Kurk, Laura Anderson

  I breathed deep yoga breaths for a few minutes, focusing on a happier time with Wyatt, and trying to relax so my thoughts weren’t racing away from me. Calling my boyfriend to ask if he’d cheated on me might be the wrong thing to do after the day I’d had. I decided it could wait. I am an island.

  You know that awful feeling when you’re too tired to sleep? I was there. Finally at one o’clock in the morning, I snuck into my parents’ bathroom and dug through the medicine cabinet for Benadryl. I took one and within thirty minutes I couldn’t hold my eyes open. I slept fitfully, without dreaming, until the alarm on my cell phone rang at five-thirty. Dad was already dressed and drinking coffee when I came downstairs. We hardly spoke; we were both too lost in our thoughts. We made it through the airports and finally to our little house in the woods. We were wounded. How badly was yet to be seen.

  I stayed in bed the entire next day, shifting between the world of the living and the world of the emotionally dead. When I finally rose, the sun was setting. I’d wasted an entire day. I sat up too quickly and my head throbbed painfully for a second until my brain adjusted to being upright again. My cell phone buzzed on my dresser, and I opened it and saw that Henry had been calling all day.

  I might be naïve about relationships, but I knew I couldn’t let this whole Brooke issue go without a fight, so I lunged toward my phone and flipped it open. “Hi, Henry.”

  “Meg! Thank God. I’ve been going crazy here. Where have you been? I’ve been trying to find you. Was your phone dead?”

  I squeezed my voice around the lump in my throat, but it sounded thready and small, like a scared little girl’s voice, and not at all like I wanted it to sound. “Um…well, it’s been a strange couple of days. Dad came to Pittsburgh because…”

  I couldn’t finish, and Henry sounded like he was choking, he was so worried. “Meg, do you want me to come to Pittsburgh? I can leave for the airport now and catch the next flight out. Please let me do that.”

  “I’m in Chapin, Henry. My mom overdosed on Valium a couple of nights ago. They were able to pump her stomach, and physically, she’s totally fine. But my dad flew in and we moved her into a psychiatric hospital where they can help her get better.”

  Silence snaked through the phone lines. I swallowed hard. Henry sighed heavily.

  “I’m so sorry, Meg. I’m coming over. I’ll be there in half an hour.”

  “No, Henry. You don’t need to come. And I’m not sure I can say what I need to say to your face.”

  “What are you talking about? What could you possibly not say to my face, honey? Stay where you are. I’ll see you in a minute.”

  He hung up before I could argue again, so I got up to take a shower. By the time I was dressed, Henry had let himself in and was sitting in the living room, covered in dust from the fields. I felt physical pain when I saw his sweet face. I’d missed him so much and now I might be losing him. Who could blame him for wanting to get away from the drama of my life? I’m sure Brooke was less complicated, in her blonde sort of way. And she knew her way around a horse. He pulled me into a tight hug when I came in the room. He smelled like hard work and sweat, but I didn’t mind one little bit.

  “I’m really sorry you had such a hard time in Pittsburgh, but I think things are going to get better now. Don’t you?”

  “Yeah, who knows? Whatever. She made her choice and we’ll have to live with it. But that’s not even why I’m upset, Henry.”

  I started shaking just thinking about what I had to ask him—visualizing him spending the day with Brooke, when he was supposed to be so out of his mind busy right now.

  “What’s wrong, sweetheart? You’re killing me.”

  “Were you with Brooke, Henry?” I cried.

  I felt his back tense and he leaned away from me and studied my face. He looked confused, incredulous. Or maybe busted.

  “I mean, I know you were, because Tennyson saw you. I guess I just want to know why. Why was she here? With you? Not that any reason you give will make this okay. This whole scene is so not okay. But I just want to hear your justification.”

  He pulled away from me and walked to the couch where he sat and leaned over, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. He was quiet. I sensed bad news and the knot in my stomach tightened.

  “Meg, I did give her a ride to town. I guess Tennyson saw us then. She’s here visiting her aunt for spring break. She usually comes out this time of year and goes skiing with her cousins.”

  He looked up at me and took a deep breath.

  “She ran into Dylan in town, and he brought her out to the ranch. I have no idea why she didn’t drive herself. She wanted to ask if we could hire her again this summer. Dylan dropped her off and then drove on to the stables, instead of waiting for her. I don’t know what he was thinking.”

  He stopped and ran both hands through his hair forcefully, and then looked up at me. “I had to leave my dad in the fields waiting for me while I drove her back to town. It wasn’t what you’re thinking…at all.”

  Silence.

  “Meg, I can’t believe you’ve carried that around for two days, on top of all this other heartache. This is nothing, honey, nothing.”

  Silence.

  “Sweetheart, what can I do to make you feel better? I promise I saw her for maybe thirty minutes. I stopped on the street in front of her aunt’s house. I didn’t even turn down the drive when I dropped her off. And I told her we won’t need her this summer. I thought it would be too weird for you if she was here, not that there’s any reason for it to be weird. I talked about you the entire time we were in the truck. She’d already heard that I’m with you.”

  All the tension from the past couple of days had me so wound up that I couldn’t even think straight. Too much…it’s all too much. I dropped down to my knees and felt the world going dark around the edges. Sick. I felt sick, scared and angry at so many people in my life. I just wanted to feel better but I was completely powerless. Henry might be the one person in the world who could help me with this mess, and I was pushing him away. Sitting, I pulled my knees up and buried my tears.

  “Okay, Megan Grace Kavanagh, don’t do this to me, to us. I can’t believe you think that I’m even capable of hurting you like that. You still don’t know how much you mean to me, do you? I love you, just you.” He sat on the floor next to me and pulled me into his lap, stroking his hand up and down my spine like my dad does when I’m hurt. He should’ve just left me there, but he didn’t.

  “This isn’t just about me, is it? This is bigger, Meg. You know in your heart that I would never hurt you. You know I don’t want Brooke. You’re grasping at this because it’s something you can wrap your anger around, and I’m not gonna let you do that. Come on and tell me what’s really behind this. I’m not going anywhere until you start talking.”

  At that moment, I felt the explosion in my heart. Henry nailed it and that pissed me off more than anything else. This anger needed out and if he was in the line of fire, so be it.

  I didn’t even recognize my own voice when I started speaking; it was so full of spite. Who’s the glass girl now, Wyatt?

  “Yeah, you know what Henry? It’s not just about you. It’s about everyone in my life but me. Wyatt left me with a freaking mess to clean up! Was I not worth living for? And don’t even get me started on my mother. My ‘life’s all about the rainbows and sugar-coated dreams’ mother who gave up and showed me exactly how little she cares about me! I just spent hours cleaning puke out of her hair and committing her to a loony bin. While my dad just feeds me a load of crap about how things are going to get better, and goes back to his office! And now you’re trying to convince me that driving your beautiful, horse-loving ex-girlfriend around town doesn’t mean that you still have feelings for her! And why in God’s name would you still love me now that you see what a psychotic life I lead? Maybe…maybe all the time you spend working, not being with me, means that you don’t even want to be together. Maybe I’m some kind of pity case for you be
cause your heart is too big to dump me.”

  Henry’s face dropped in disbelief and I felt lower than an ant. I knew I’d thrown an unfair punch and I tasted the bitterness of it on my tongue. I didn’t want to hear his response though, so I rushed on. “You know what, Henry? Just forget it. There are some things you can’t fix. Things God can’t fix.”

  Henry sat quietly for a long time and rubbed his thumb gently over the pulse in my wrist. Finally, he took a deep breath and spoke, his breath warm on my wet cheek.

  “I want to take you somewhere right now, Meg. Will you trust me enough to get in my truck, right now, no questions asked?”

  “I don’t know, Henry. Why drag this thing out? I’m tired.”

  “Do you trust me, Meg?”

  “I love you, Henry. I just can’t…”

  Without letting me finish, Henry stood and pulled me up with him. He pushed me toward my room. “Put on a bathing suit and some sweats, sweet Meg.”

  I suppressed the urge to lock myself in the bathroom until Henry left. Truth be told, I had nothing left to fight with, and at this point, my emotional paralysis felt complete. If Henry told me to jump off a cliff, I probably would have because I felt like a quivering mass of weakness, insecurity, and second-guesses. I shut my door and pulled out my only bathing suit, the one my dad absolutely hated—a white two-piece. It had a strand of turquoise beads that dropped a few inches from the top down to my belly button. I put it on and pulled on my ugliest sweats to hide it, and then I grabbed a towel and met Henry in the living room. I couldn’t even make eye contact with him. He took my hand and led me out the door and into his truck.

  We drove through town and then back out on a road leading east, further and further from civilization, into rocky hills. Henry parked the truck on the side of the road, next to a trailhead. Even with a full moon, the forest looked impossibly dark. He leaned over me and grabbed a flashlight from his glove box, but he paused to wipe away the steady stream of tears still running down my face.

  “It’s just a short walk, Meg. You can ride on my back if you want.”

  I brushed off his offer with a wave of my hand. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and let his fingers linger on my cheek. “It’s going to be okay, honey. Follow me and stay close. It’s pretty dark out there now.”

  We walked up the trail toward a cave. A sign at the small opening said MUH CAVE. It looked like a perfect home for a grizzly bear so I hesitated.

  “Are we supposed to go in there at night?”

  “Not officially, but don’t worry.”

  “Who else will be in the cave?”

  “No one, I promise.” Henry took my hand and led me through the narrow opening and into the darkness. He turned on his flashlight and put his hand over the top of my head, so I wouldn’t bump it on the low rock ceiling.

  “Listen,” he said.

  I stopped walking and I could hear the soft gurgling of water—it sounded a little like pasta boiling. He’d brought me to the springs. Those mythically-charged hot springs I’d heard so much about. The place where healing was guaranteed, right? Well, healing springs, do your best.

  Steam rose around us in thick, warm waves and it felt so good when it touched my skin that I shuddered. Henry pulled me around some large boulders and then we were suddenly in a large room, in the middle of which was an opening in the ground, full of water.

  He leaned against a large boulder and took both my hands in his. “Meg,” he breathed, “you have to know I would never lie to you.” He pulled my chin up to look into my eyes. “I don’t want anything to do with Brooke or any other girl. There’s just you. Always you. So on your long list of things to worry about, you can draw a line through that one.”

  I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe that somehow through the pain of the last couple of days I’d made a mistake, and jumped to the wrong conclusion, and made something out of nothing so I could avoid the real issues in my life. Something unfurled in my heart and softened. The anger, so tightly coiled in my stomach just an hour ago, eased. Maybe it was this place, with all its warmth. Or maybe it was Henry’s calm voice in my ear or the feel of his strong arm holding me upright when my knees wanted to buckle.

  “Let’s talk about what’s next on that list of yours. Your mom—she’s in a good place, right? She’s getting the help she needs. What she did, it was lousy, but it wasn’t a statement of your worth to her. It was her way of asking for help and now she’s going to get better.”

  As he talked, he slowly lowered me down to sit on a flat rock on the floor of the cave and then he sat at my feet. “Next, Wyatt. Sweetheart, do you think he really had a moment when he had to choose between you and this girl? He reacted, honey. He reacted like a good guy reacts. He shielded someone with his body and he paid the price for that, but his decision in that awful moment had nothing to do with his feelings for you. He didn’t choose to leave you with a mess. Is your dad next? What he’s done for you and your mom amazes me. Yeah, maybe he runs to work a lot but you’ve gotta understand his place in all this. He lost his son but he kept things together for you and your mom. He’s been slaying the dragons, not drowning himself in a bottle or giving up on his family. If that doesn’t tell you how much he loves you, I don’t know what does. I admire the heck out of him, Meg.”

  The guilt, oh the guilt, Henry’s words wrenched out of me was unbearable. Henry hooked a finger under my chin and pulled my face up. He saw exactly what I felt.

  “I’m not finished, Meg. Hear me out. I’m not trying to make you feel worse. I’m trying to show you that you can let go of your anger now. Everything is okay. Let’s talk about that last thing on your list. The one you’ve been fighting because you know it’ll require forgiveness and acceptance. There is a God, Meg. He does have a place in this. His heart breaks for you but he’s waiting for you to see that you need him. I don’t even know how to put the need for faith into the right words. All I know is that God fixes people that are broken and he gives them hope again. He doesn’t see your life as a lost cause. He sees your tender heart and he sees forever with you, not these moments in time that hurt. Forever.”

  Henry’s words caused something to stir within me and it didn’t feel at all comfortable. It felt urgent and irresistible. I wanted it. I wanted to let go. I wanted to be unbreakable.

  Henry, oblivious to the riot of emotion in me, continued speaking in hushed, heartfelt tones. “I want to be with you, Meg. Every day. I don’t want you to break up with me because you’re afraid. If that’s the decision you make, though, I want you to know that you can come to church with me. At least let me help you see how much God loves you.”

  He released me and stood up. “Now, take off those sweats. As long as you’re here with me, I wanna hold you in the springs.”

  I started to argue but Henry shook his head. “Do this for me, Meg.”

  I stepped away from him into the shadows, feeling awkward all of a sudden, and stripped off my clothes. I wrapped my towel around my waist and walked out to where he stood, shivering, in a bathing suit. I realized with a shock that I’d never seen him bare-chested. He worked outside but he always wore a shirt. It was so touching and sweet to see him like that. He seemed vulnerable for the first time to me. With just enough moonlight glowing in the cave, I could see him clearly. His smooth, tight skin wrapped around the long muscles he’d developed over a lifetime of hard work.

  He smiled shyly, and reached around me to take my towel, and then he squeezed past me to pick up the sweats I’d dropped unceremoniously on the ground. He hung them over a sharp rock and stepped into the springs. When he was in waist-deep, he reached for me and lifted me in. The heat of the water shocked me. Every muscle reacted and turned to liquid. I had trouble standing, and Henry felt me stumble and hooked his arms under me to hold me up.

  He wrapped my legs around his waist and carried me through the water to the other side. I couldn’t do much more than relax against him. All the starch had left me.

  �
��See how the moonlight comes in and lights this room a little?” he asked so softly I could barely hear him. “Muh means moon in Shoshone. So the cave is Moon Cave.”

  He smiled and I saw something in his eyes: the moonlight…forever? He found a concave, smooth rock under the surface and sat, pulling me down onto his lap.

  “I can’t take my eyes off you, Meg. You are so beautiful, and this suit is lethal.” He sighed and played with the turquoise beads on my belly with his finger. “I’m so sorry, honey. I’m so sorry for everything.”

  We stayed this way for a long time, and I thought of the stories I’d heard about the springs—the legend of the Indian who saved his beloved by holding her in the water; the belief that the springs are considered sacred by native cultures. I thought of Wyatt and his beauty and his memory that comforted me every single day, my mother, struggling alone with grief that won’t let her go, my father who would die a million deaths to see her happy again. And I thought of Henry, my strength, my guide who refused to let me stumble around alone anymore, who took my anger without question because he loved me. I suddenly understood grace, the undeserved favor that’s all around me. Oh God, I’d ignored it. I’d missed it.

  What seemed to be fighting hardest for a place in my mind was something Robert said in a sermon:

  Your creator speaks in a language only you can understand. See, it’s that personal. He knows what has torn your heart apart and he wants you to be whole again. He’s whispering just to you, ‘There is more to this life. You can rest, finally, just rest.’ Remember when the Ethiopian eunuch said to Philip, ‘Here is water. What is stopping me from being baptized now?’ And nothing was stopping him—nothing at all. And Philip baptized him because he believed with all his heart that Jesus is the Son of God. And he went away rejoicing.