When I Look to the Sky

by Barbara S. Stewart

“Papa, I know this is good for him,” she told him as she cried. “I was so anxious for him to be closer, so we could start really planning forever.”

  “Carlee, this is a good thing. This is a start for Matthew so that your beginning together can be what he wants to share with you. It’s a huge opportunity. You have the means to go to London any break you have or to bring Matthew home. And your love for each other is strong enough that you can do this. Carlee, I talked to him, and Matthew is as torn about this as you are,” he told her.

  “I know, Papa…” She was exhausted. The time difference, the travel, the emotions, and the sobbing had worn her down.

  CHAPTER NINTEEN ~ With The Ring of the Phone

  Once they were home, she sent Matthew a text to let him know she was there. Andy sent her to bed to rest. While she slept he called Matthew.

  “Hey,” Matthew said, and Andy heard the emotion, the sadness in his voice.

  “She’s a wreck,” he said. “She told me everything is OK, but she’s not OK. I sent her to bed. She’s been crying since I picked her up.”

  “I know. She was crying when she left. Andy, neither of us was ready for her to return home.” Matthew said honestly. “Eight days together, I couldn’t imagine how hard it would be for her to go, and then the job… I kept telling her that we’d see each other in two weeks, and then graduation.” Matthew spoke from his heart. “It didn’t make it any easier.”

  He was quiet a minute, then finally said; “I’m pretty sure I need to say ‘yes’ to the teaching position, but I don’t know what to do about the rest of my life. Our life,” he corrected his words. “She’s still got two semesters of school.”

  “She can come on breaks,” Andy told him.

  “I know that, but it’s not the same. I know I can talk to you about this. I’m ready to wake up every day with her beside me. I’m ready for that. I hate this distance between us. I hate that we have to share everything we do over the phone.”

  “I know you are going to say we can wait, and I won’t push the issue, because I know it’s what’s right for Carlee, to finish college, but it won’t make it any easier. I never dreamt I could feel like this for anyone. I didn’t know it was really even possible to love someone so much it hurt. I didn’t think about tomorrow before Carlee. Now it’s all I think about…”

  There was silence for a moment; Andy was processing all Matthew had said, and as he did, he realized that their relationship had taken a deeper turn this visit. Finally Andy said, “Well, I guess the first step you take is accepting the position at the University. Then I guess you have to figure out that ‘forever’ thing and decide how to move forward. I’ll stand by any decision the two of you make. Think,” Andy said, “then plan your path.”

  ~ ~ ~

  Carlee returned to school the next day, no longer counting days, she was counting moments until she would be in London again with Matthew. The arrangements in place, Andy and all of Matthew’s family were going.

  It was an incredible opportunity, and Matthew knew it, but it meant being away from Carlee. Their nightly phone calls were full of tears and potential; lots of ‘what if’s’ from them both as they tried to figure out what to do.

  He went through the interview process at the University, expressed his desire to accept to Dan Patrick, but he shared his feelings about Carlee too. Dan agreed to remain available for anything Matthew needed, to fill in any time he could. Matthew only had to say ‘yes’ and the position was his, and as bad as he wanted to be near Carlee, he knew he had to say ‘yes.’ He did, and then tried to plan whatever came next.

  But everything changed with a phone call.

  ~ ~ ~

  Three days later, Andy was in bed reading. His phone rang and the display showed that it was Matthew. It was late, so he knew it couldn’t be good. “Hey,” he said. “What’s up?”

  There was quiet on the other end as Matthew struggled to form the words he needed to say.

  Andy sat up, alarmed and asked, “Matt? What is it?”

  “It’s my dad. He had a heart attack this evening. He passed away in the ER. I haven’t called Carlee yet, I’ve been on the phone with Mom, and then trying to book a flight, getting ready,” he mumbled. “I’m at Heathrow now, waiting for my flight to board.”

  “Matthew, I’m so sorry,” Andy said. “I’ll take care of telling Carlee.”

  “Mom would like you to come there. There’s plenty of room at the house. Can you pick me up at the airport?”

  “Yes,” Andy said. “Yes, whatever you need.”

  “I land in Jacksonville at six tomorrow morning.”

  “Carlee and I will be there waiting.”

  Andy hung up, and grabbed some things to pack a bag. He went to Carlee’s room and grabbed a few things he thought she might need, dresses and shoes that she wouldn’t have taken to school with her. He dressed, and hit the road. As he drove, he thought of Matthew, remembered when he lost his own dad, but he’d had warning. His dad had been sick. This was unexpected.

  When he reached Carlee’s dorm, it was 1:30, he called for security and then dialed Carlee’s number.

  “It’s me,” Andy said when she answered. “Open the door, it’s really late. Security is with me, we didn’t want to buzz and scare you.”

  Carlee ran to the door. It was late, so she knew something was wrong. “What is it, Papa?”

  He hugged her, “It’s Tom, Matthew called me. He had a heart attack this evening, passed away at the hospital. Matthew’s on his way home.”

  Marissa came out and ushered the two men in. Andy’s phone rang and he saw it was Geni. He called her earlier to tell her they’d be on their way once he got Carlee ready to go.

  “Matthew’s plane’s been delayed about an hour. Just come straight here. You’ll both need rest after you’ve been up all night. One of the boys can pick him up.”

  “I just got to St. Augustine. We can talk about Matthew’s arrival when we get there. You should get some rest.”

  Marissa grabbed one of Carlee’s bags and started helping her put things in it. “I’ll contact your advisor and instructors in the morning and let them know what’s happened. You need to concentrate on what’s important. I’ll be there,” she told Carlee.

  “I grabbed a couple of dresses from your closet at home,” Andy told Carlee. “I brought the dark blue one you wore to the Cancer Foundation meeting and the black one, not the fancy black one. I wasn’t sure what you had here.”

  “Andy, you have my number, if she needs anything, forgot anything, just call me. I’ll bring it when I come,” Marissa told him. As they headed out the door Marissa hugged Carlee and whispered in her ear, “I love you, friend…”

  Andy and Carlee were quiet as they headed for Jacksonville. It was around 3:30 that morning when they finally arrived at Geni’s. Thomas and Brian were there with her. They all sat at the kitchen table, talking.

  After a while, Andy told the group that he would go to the airport to wait for Matthew. “I’d like to do that.”

  “I’ll go too,” Carlee said, but Andy shook his head. “You get some rest. You too,” he told Geni.

  Geni kicked into ‘mommy mode’, sending her boys home, and getting Carlee settled in the room she used when she was there. Finally, she went to rest.

  Andy was there waiting when Matthew exited the terminal. They hugged and quietly headed to the car. When they arrived, the house was still. All Matthew could think about was getting to Carlee, but first, he went to his mom’s room. He lightly tapped on the door, and then entered and sat on the side of the bed to let her know he was there. “I love you,” he told her, and kissed her cheek as she hugged him.

  He then went to Carlee’s room. Curled on her side, she was sound asleep. He left the door to the room open, and lay on the bed beside her. She woke as he wrapped his arms around her and held her. Andy walked by on the way to his room, and observed their tender moment.

  Thursday around noon, as the family gathered to plan a funeral, Ca
rlee and Andy made a trip to the grocery store and grabbed groceries to have on hand.

  As plans were made, Geni wanted to get through it all quickly so Matthew could return to London. They thought Friday evening was best for the visitation, with the funeral on Saturday.

  “No.” Matthew said. “We can’t do that, tomorrow is Carlee’s birthday. We can’t do that on her birthday,” he mumbled. “School is fine. I’m just finishing up classes, formalities… that’s all. I can fly back Tuesday. It’ll be fine. We can’t do it Friday,” he said once more.

  All agreed they would receive friends on Saturday afternoon. The service would be private, on Monday morning. Matthew would return on Tuesday. Geni and Thomas went to the funeral home after their plans were made, to finalize things. That evening, once again, they all gathered, ate, drank wine and shared stories, celebrating the life of Tom Davis.

  Friday morning, only Matthew and Andy were up. They sat at bar in the kitchen, had a cup of coffee, and talked a while. Matthew looked at the clock, “I need to run a of couple errands,” Matthew said. “Want to join me?”

  “Sure,” Andy told him.

  Their first stop was a bakery close by. Matthew wanted to make sure there was a celebration for Carlee, it was important to him in the middle of all that was going on.

  “Hey there, Mrs. Van Buren, I need to order a cake for later today. I know its short notice.”

  “I’m sorry about your dad, Matthew. I can take care of whatever you need,” she said.

  “Thank you, I’d like white cake, that chocolate hazelnut filling and the whipped butter cream frosting, and yellow roses,” he said, “lots of yellow roses. I’d like it to say ‘Happy Birthday Carlee. EE, not IE,” he told her.

  “It can be ready by four,” she told him.

  “Perfect. Thank you.” Matthew paid her and they left the shop.

  They got in the car and drove a little further to a party store. “I need twenty yellow balloons, four bundles of five, please. He walked over to look at them mylar balloons and picked one that said ‘I LOVE YOU’, and one that said ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY.’ Andy grabbed six different colored balloons with stars all over them and another one that said ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY.’ Matthew told them they’d be back around four.

  “One more stop,” Matthew told him as they got back in the car. He pulled up in front of a florist and they went in. “I’d like two vases full of daisies, with yellow ribbon, please.”

  Andy took his turn, “I need a dozen yellow roses, but I would like some calla lilies in the vase please.”

  Matthew knew why the calla lilies. “We’d like to pick them up around four, please,” Matthew said.

  His mission complete, he turned to Andy and asked, “How about another coffee?”

  “Sure, that’d be good.” They made their way to a coffee shop around the corner.

  “This is all very nice, Matt. Thank you for including me.”

  “I didn’t want the memory of her twentieth birthday centered on the funeral stuff,” he said.

  “I went with you on the roses, followed your lead, but can I ask, why all the yellow?” Andy asked.

  “It’s her favorite color,” Matthew replied. This was special. Andy didn’t even realize that tidbit.

  “I thought pink was her favorite color,” Andy said.

  “I know,” Matthew laughed.

  When they returned to the house, Carlee was still in her pajamas, shorts and that big Traveler t-shirt, drinking coffee with Geni.

  “My two favorite ladies,” Matthew said, and went straight to Carlee.

  She reached to hug him. “Where on earth have y’all been so early?”

  “Andy and me went for coffee,” he told her, as he kissed her.

  It was a busy day and the time passed quickly. Friends called and stopped by to visit, to remember, and to drop off food. Marissa arrived around two that afternoon. Carlee introduced her friend to everyone. Marissa had heard about all of them, but Andy and Matthew were the only ones there she’d met. Carlee and Marissa left to get her settled in the room she would share with Jenna and Carlee. Marissa had a blow-up twin air mattress she brought along so that they could share the room. A short time later, Kimmy, Lane, and Jenna arrived. Geni had invited them all to stay there.

  That afternoon, as everyone gathered, getting to know each other, Andy and Matthew disappeared. Carlee, Marissa and Jenna played games in the floor with Percy and Megs. Geni looked around the room more than once, watching all the activity, and loved that they were all there, together.

  While they were out to get the cake, balloons and flowers, Matthew and Andy picked up pizzas, wine and beer and around 5:30 they returned with a surprise party just waiting to happen. Matthew came to her and Carlee looked up from the games they were playing with the girls. He pulled her to her feet. First, she saw the balloons that they snuck in, then the flowers and the cake.

  “Happy Birthday!” they all yelled, and Percy and Megs jumped with delight.

  “How fun!” Carlee yelled back. “What a nice surprise! Thank you!”

  They ate pizza, talked and laughed into the evening. Finally, they gathered for the cake.

  Andy looked at Carlee, the beautiful woman she’d become, and his mind drifted. Twenty… He thought about Beth missing out on her, John not knowing what he missed the years before he passed away, and those since, and Matthew trying to plan a life for them together… Where did all those years go? And he thought again that he couldn’t love her more, or be more proud if she were his own flesh and blood.

  Matthew saw him across the room. He was thinking many of the same thoughts. He looked to where Carlee was standing near the cake. Geni had lit the candles, and Matthew saw the glow on her face as she blew them out, everyone singing to her. He couldn’t love anyone more than the two women he saw across from him.

  Later, Matthew was standing at the window looking out. With his hands in his pockets, peering out the window, he was thinking of the future. The backyard looked like a quiet, peaceful haven. Geni had birdhouses everywhere and a beautiful flower garden with a bench and the river close by. It was a nice evening and lights were on outside. Andy joined him at the window, draping an arm around his shoulder. “Share your thoughts?”

  “Just dreading having to go back,” Matthew replied.

  But Andy knew it was more; it was leaving Carlee behind, missing his dad, worrying about his mom, thinking about his future; his future with Carlee, as well.

  “That bench looks mighty appealing, let’s go have a seat,” Andy said.

  Carlee noticed the two of them go out the door and take a seat on the bench. She looked out the window; Andy was leaned over with his elbows on his knees. She could tell he was talking, and Matthew nodded as he spoke.

  “I was wrong,” Andy said.

  “About what?” Matthew asked.

  “Why don’t you tell me about this job, and you and Carlee,” Andy said.

  Matthew talked for a while and Andy listened. Finally, Matthew said; “I just can’t imagine all these days without her. It’s hard to think that I can’t be right there if she needs something.” He paused, “That flight here took forever. Nine and a half hours is a long time when you need someone.”

  Andy thought of Beth, and all those ‘shoulda, coulda, wouldas.’

  “I accepted, and I know the job at the University is a huge opportunity, but I’m torn like I can’t even tell you because of what it means - me being there and her being here.”

  Andy thought a minute before he spoke. He took a big, deep breath and then said; “Then let’s figure this out, Matt; figure out what we need to do about school, and plan a wedding,” he said.

  Matthew smiled at him, and with no hesitation, no more conversation, he rose from the bench and said; “I’ll go tell Carlee.”

  When they went back inside, everyone was gathered in the living room talking. They’d pulled chairs from the dining room, and kitchen, and some were sitting on the floor. There was laughter, and it was a
pleasant sound. Andy and Matthew made the rounds topping off everyone’s glasses. Finally, Andy looked at Matthew and nodded.

  “Carlee, I have something I need to say.” He pulled her to her feet from the spot on the floor where she was playing. He held her hands and looked around the room at all those people he loved.

  “I already asked you to spend forever with me and you said ‘yes.’ Now I’m asking you to set a date. Carlee, marry me and let’s make it official.”

  She stood frozen, “But…”

  “No ‘but’,” he said. “Let’s do this thing.” Everyone started clapping.

  Saturday they gathered to go to the funeral home to meet friends. Matthew was in the kitchen waiting when he saw Carlee approach. He went to her, wrapping her in his embrace. “I’m so glad you’re here,” he whispered in her ear, burying his face in her neck, drinking in the smell of her.

  “I couldn’t be anywhere else, Matthew Davis,” she whispered. She looked up and saw Geni enter the room. She was watching them, smiling. Carlee noticed Geni’s dress, and looked down at hers. They were wearing similar navy blue dresses, and the two of them laughed. As Andy came into the kitchen, Matthew looked at his suit. They too, were both wearing navy blue and the group started laughing. Kimmy, Lane, Jenna and Marissa joined them in the kitchen and laughed over the choice of attire, as well.

  They made their way to the funeral home, and shared a somber moment when they entered the chapel. Finally, Brian and Thomas came in and went to greet their mom. As they joined the rest of the group, everyone started laughing. Both men were wearing navy blue suits. Andy broke into a whispered chorus of “I’m so blue…” followed by laughter; exactly what they needed at the moment.

  The funeral home was filled with people as many came to pay their respects. Tom Davis had grown up in the area, and he and Geni were both well-known, and well liked. Matthew introduced Carlee to family friends and relatives, proudly referring to her as his “soon-to-be-wife”.