Imaginary Grace

by Anne Holster

  “To tell you the truth,” she began, “Thomas is actually on the fence about him, but you can ask him yourself when he gets home. He went out to get bagels.”

  On the fence – what did that mean?

  “Okay, I want to jump in the shower anyway,” I said, and went to grab a change of clothes.

  As the warm water fell over my shoulders and ran down my back, I replayed every moment of the night before. I loved sleeping next to Tanner. He felt so strong and warm. When my fingers began to prune up, I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. As I dried myself off, I heard the dorm door open, then Thomas’ voice. Dying to know what on the fence meant, I quickly slipped into the pair of sweats and t-shirt I had brought into the bathroom with me. I would have left my hair hanging down my back, but I knew I’d pay the price later, so I hurriedly brushed it out and pulled it back into a long, slick ponytail before going back into the room. Thomas and Beth were sitting on her bed, eating their bagels.

  “Hey there,” he said in a cheery tone. “You finally made it back.”

  “Yeah, I guess I did,” I said.

  “Thomas,” Beth said, “Grace wants to know what you thought about Tanner and the whole situation.”

  That was one thing about Beth—she didn’t like to waste time.

  He looked at her like he didn’t want to say anything but I chimed in. “Tell me, Tom, I’m curious to get a guy’s opinion. And please, be honest.”

  “Okay,” he said, looking uncomfortable, “I thought there was something a little off about him. I can’t put my finger on it, it’s just a weird vibe I got, but it’s probably nothing. Heck, what do I know? I just met the guy.”

  I thought for a minute, then said, “Be more specific.” But even as I said it, I knew what he meant--he was just too kind to say it. It was the same thing I’d been thinking from the moment I’d met Tanner. He was way too hot for me. I’d seen the questioning looks from people when they saw us together. I thought I’d improved, at least in the wardrobe department, but I knew I still had a ways to go.

  “I don’t know,” he said, “it’s just a feeling. I can’t explain it. I’m sure I’m wrong about it, though. He took another bite of his bagel, then added, “I have an idea. Why don’t you try just showing up at his house and seeing what his reaction is? If he’s into you, he won’t mind. You’ll be able to tell right away if he’s hiding something or if something’s not right.”

  “I’ve already done that,” I pointed out.

  “Wait a minute,” Beth said, “that doesn’t count because Scott invited you, which he wouldn’t have done if he knew something was amiss.”

  I knew amiss meant Tanner having another girl there, and the mere thought made my stomach clench. Still, Beth had a point.

  “Okay, I’ll give it a try,” I agreed, still thinking that there was a big piece of me that didn’t want to know if anything was amiss.

  She must have sensed my anxiety, because she said, “I’ll go with you-- we can go after dinner one night this week.”

  “Maybe…”

  “Good,” Thomas said, “let me know how it turns out.”

  After Thomas left that night, Beth and I went for a walk. I didn’t want to go to the gym and run into Gary after what had happened at the party.

  “Grace,” Beth said, “I doubt he even remembers it. He was really trashed.”

  “Well, I hope you’re right,” I said, “because I don’t want to stop going to the gym forever.”

  We walked in silence for a minute, then Beth said, “I hope you’re not upset about what Thomas said. He didn’t want to say anything, I made him tell you. I thought it would be good for you to hear a guy’s honest opinion.”

  “No,” I said, “I’m glad he told me. Maybe it’s good. He planted a little” – a very little – “seed of doubt, so now I’ll be more observant when I’m with Tanner. Hey, you don’t think he could possibly be using me for all the great sex we’re not having, do you?”

  Beth laughed and said, “Yeah, that must be it!”

  On Monday, after class, Beth and I met at the gym. I was dreading seeing Gary and hoped Beth was right about him not remembering. He wasn’t there when I got to the gym, so I thought I was safe as I stepped onto the treadmill and began running. But about a half-hour later, I saw him out of the corner of my eye. I pretended I didn’t see him approach.

  “Hey Grace,” he said in his usual friendly manner.

  “Oh, hi, Gary,” I said, not breaking my stride.

  “Can I talk to you a minute?” he asked.

  Oh no.

  “Sure,” I said, as I slowed the treadmill down to a halt and stepped off, wiping my face with my towel. “What’s up?” When he didn’t answer right away, I reached for my water bottle and took a long drink to hide my nervousness.

  “Listen,” he said, “I’m really sorry about the other night. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I had a lot to drink – that’s no excuse, but it’s the only one I’ve got. I like you, Grace, but I’m sure you already know that.”

  I stood there, just staring at him, not knowing what to say. An awkward moment passed, and I decided to take the coward’s way out. “Don’t worry about it, Gary. It’s no big deal. We all had a lot to drink that night.”

  “Thanks for understanding,” he said, “and I just want you to know that it won’t happen again.”

  “Okay, no problem,” I said as casually as I could.

  “Well, I guess I better get back to work. I’ll talk to you later.” And with that, he turned and left.

  Within seconds Beth was at my side wanting to know what he had said.

  “See,” she smirked, “I told you he liked you. What are you going to do about it?”

  “Do about it?” I asked. “What do you mean? I’m not going to do anything about it.”

  “Well, you never know. If things don’t work out with Tanner…”

  “Stop,” I said, putting my hand up. “Don’t go there. You know how crazy I am about Tanner. I can’t even imagine for a second being with anyone else.”

  “Okay, okay, relax. Forget I said anything,” she said. “Are you ready to get out of here?”

  “Yeah, I’m ready,” I said. “Let’s go.”

  As we walked back to the dorm, I thought about how maybe I was ready to take another step in the Grace Makeover Project. I’d been working out regularly and I had to admit my body was looking good. I’d definitely become a lot more toned, not as thin and frail-looking as I used to be. I also had a decent wardrobe – no more hoodies – that I finally felt comfortable wearing.

  I asked Beth for suggestions on what I could do next.

  “Well, Grace,” she said, “I’ve been hoping you’d ask, because I actually do have a teeny tiny suggestion…”

  I couldn’t suppress a laugh. “Well, let’s hear it!”

  She hesitated for effect. “Maybe you should think about cutting your hair?”

  My eyes nearly popped out of my head. “My hair!” I exclaimed. “No way, NO WAY!”

  Now it was Beth’s turn to laugh. “Don’t freak out – I don’t mean chop it off— just a trim. Cut a few inches to get the dead ends off. It’ll make it more manageable and easier to blow out. Give it some thought. Maybe do it over winter break, so if you hate it you’ll have almost six weeks to grow it back.”

  “Oh, Beth,” I said, “I don’t know about this.”

  “Well, promise you’ll at least think about it,” she said as we approached our building. “If you think it’s too drastic, then just forget it.”

  I didn’t say anything for a minute, then I muttered, “Okay, I’ll think about it.”

  But I didn’t think about it, at least not seriously, over the next few weeks. Along with everyone else on campus, I was way too busy studying for exams. I didn’t get to see Tanner as much as
I would have liked, but I did take Thomas’ advice and stopped by his place a few of times, unannounced. One time I even took Beth with me, and even she agreed that nothing seemed to be “amiss”.

  Before I knew it, it was Friday-- time for my last final. My parents were coming to pick me up on Saturday because I had to take a lot of my stuff home over the break. I guess I should have been concerned about the test, but all I could think about was how much I dreaded not seeing Tanner for almost six weeks.

  After the exam was finished, Tanner and I walked out together. “Do you want to come over for a while?” he asked. “I know you’re leaving tomorrow, and I probably won’t see you again until the wedding.”

  “Sure,” I said, “most of my stuff is already packed anyway.”

  “Okay, great. Do you mind if I run a few errands on the way?”

  I wanted to laugh out loud. Mind? I wouldn’t have minded watching him scrub his bathtub, so long as we were together.

  “No, I don’t mind,” I said casually, and we headed toward his car. Nearly two-and-a-half hours later we were still running his “few errands”. No wonder he’d asked me if I minded.

  “This is a nice car,” I said.

  “Yeah, well, it’s kind of a work in progress.”

  “1969?” I asked.

  His eyes shifted towards me almost suspiciously. “Yeah, how do you know that?”

  “My uncle used to have one just like it. It was like his baby. No one was allowed to touch it.” I laughed. “My aunt finally made him get rid of it because she thought he was putting too much money into it, but he still talks about that car.”

  When we finally got there, much to my relief, Scott wasn’t home. Not that I minded Scott, I actually liked him, but he was always there. For once, I just wanted to be alone with Tanner.

  “Have a seat,” he said, pointing to the couch. “I need to do a couple of things.” He handed me the remote.

  I put the TV on and kicked off my sneakers, but I wasn’t really interested in watching anything. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he came over and sat on the couch with me. As soon as he sat down, he got a text and, after reading it, he quickly texted back before putting his phone away. It might have been my imagination, but he seemed to relax a bit after that, which of course made me wonder who it was from.

  He took the remote from me, put on a basketball game, and then settled back, putting his arm around me. We sat there for a few minutes, and I wondered if he was going to kiss me. Please kiss me!

  Instead he said, “So, do you have any plans for the break?”

  “No, not really. I’m just going to catch up with some friends, maybe, but that’s about it.” I tried not to stare at his lips. “So, your cousin that’s getting married, are you two close?”

  “Gavin? No, not really. We used to be when we were younger, but we kind of drifted apart. Different interests, I guess.”

  Okay, I thought to myself, if he doesn’t kiss me in the next five minutes I’ll kiss him. I looked at the digital clock on the DVD player, which read 4:53. Okay, so if he doesn’t kiss me by 4:58 then I’ll kiss him.

  He started talking about the game, but I wasn’t really paying attention because I was staring at the clock. 4:54. He started to lean over – this is it! – but instead of kissing me, he reached around me, grabbed a throw pillow from the other end of the couch, and put it behind his neck. 4:55. Maybe I should give him a little more time; maybe tack on another five minutes. No, I’m sticking with the five minutes. 4:56. I started psyching myself up for it; telling myself that he was waiting for me to make a move. I started to fidget. 4:57. This was it – one more minute. If I didn’t do it now and Scott came home, I’d lose my chance and spend the next six weeks kicking myself!

  4:58. Okay, here goes…I straightened up, my heart beating overtime. I took a deep breath and then made my move. In one fluid motion I turned and got up on one knee, then I threw my other legs across him so that I was straddling his lap. I threaded my arms around his neck, making sure to avoid any direct eye contact, then, before I could lose my nerve, I went in for the kill.

  At first he didn’t kiss me back, and I fought the urge to run out of there, never to return to Tanner’s apartment, or school, for that matter. But then he gently grabbed my hips and pulled me closer, and I realized I had just caught him off guard.

  He slowly slipped his hands under my shirt and put them around my bare waist, making my skin tingle. Dying to touch that rock hard chest, I let my right hand slide from around his neck and make its way down to the edge of his t-shirt. At first I was tentative, not sure how far to go, but when I heard him sigh I slipped my hand underneath, slowly running it over his tight abs. It doesn’t get any better than this, I thought as I moved up to the smooth skin of his chest, but then it did.

  Still moving slowly, he let his hands fall from my waist and slid them down inside the back of my jeans. A little surprised by his uncharacteristic boldness, I pulled back ever so slightly. He didn’t seem to notice my reaction, and seconds later I had regained my momentum, kissing him even harder. I drew my left arm from around his neck and began running my fingers through his hair, grabbing a fistful.

  His fingers dug into my flesh, pulling me closer, and the next thing I knew he grabbed my hips and flipped me onto my back. I breathed in that delicious scent of him that I could never seem to get enough of. I loved the feel of the weight of him on top of me and the way his hands felt as they ran over my skin.

  Suddenly I heard him mumble in my ear, “I think I hear Scott’s truck in the driveway.”

  In that moment, I might have actually hated Scott. Tanner sat up and pulled me up next to him.

  Less than a minute later, Scott came walking in, a pizza box and a six-pack in his hands. “Pizza anyone?” he said, cheerfully oblivious to the fact that he had ruined the best make-out session of my life.

  “Food!” Tanner exclaimed and got up and went into the kitchen.

  “You hungry, Grace?” Scott called to me.

  I sat there for a moment, unable to answer. Wow, that was amazing…

  I realized he and Tanner were staring at me. “Sure,” I said as I stood from the couch. “I could go for a slice.” My legs felt all rubbery as I walked over to the counter and sat down next to them. Scott handed me a slice, then placed a beer next to me.

  He also did most of the talking. Apparently he had encountered a girl that he knew at the pizza place, and he repeated a story he had heard about her and the owner in excruciating detail. I didn’t mind, though, because it gave me something to concentrate on other than Tanner. Would it be weird between us now? I still couldn’t believe I had made the first move. Mostly I just wondered what would have happened if Scott hadn’t come in.

  After we finished eating, Tanner said he would drive me back to the dorm, so after thanking Scott for the pizza, I slipped on my sneakers and followed him out the door. The drive over was a little awkward; he had the radio on kind of loud, which I took to mean that he didn’t want to talk. Maybe he was driving me home out of obligation, maybe he couldn’t wait to get rid of me.

  “I’ll walk you over,” he said, jolting me from my thoughts. I realized he had already parked the car.

  “Oh, okay,” I mumbled, thinking that this night was just full of pleasant surprises.

  We walked around to the front of the building, stopping in front of the entrance. Tanner looked down at me, and in that moment I would have done anything to know what he was thinking.

  “Okay, I’ll guess I’ll see you in about a month.”

  “Yeah, okay,” I said, and then he bent down and kissed me. Just when my legs started to feel rubbery again, he pulled back and started to walk away. I was about to do the same when he turned back. “Oh, I forgot to tell you the plans for the wedding. Like I said, it’s on the Saturday we come back, so I’ll pick you up Friday night and we’ll s
tay at my parents. I figured we can hitch a ride with them to the wedding and just stay there again on Saturday night so we don’t have to worry about drinking and driving. Does that sound okay?”

  My head was spinning. We’re staying at his parents’? For two nights?

  “Oh, yeah, sure, that sounds great,” I said, trying not to sound shocked.

  “Cool,” he said, his face spreading into a smile. “I’ll talk to you later.” And then he turned and walked off.

  Holy shit! I thought to myself, HOLY SHIT! To say it was going to take me weeks to prepare for this fiasco was definitely putting it mildly. Torn between excitement and anxiety, my hand was shaking as I put my key in the lock and dashed up the stairs. By now Beth was used to my post-Tanner talk-a-thons so when I burst into our room, she pulled herself from whatever she was watching on TV and gave me her knowing look. Before I could say anything, she said, “Here we go again. What relationship milestone have you reached this time?”

  “Very funny,” I said. “Well, aside from the official total make-out session at his place, which was once again interrupted by Scott, I just found out that when we go to that wedding we’re staying at his parent’s house for two nights! Can you believe that one?”

  “Wow,” she said. “That is big news! Knowing you, you better start preparing now.”

  I plopped down on the bed. “I know, I know, but first I have to get a dress. What am I going to wear?”

  “That’s easy,” she said, “You can’t go wrong with a simple little black dress. Add a pair of black fuck-me pumps and you’re all set.”

  “Well, I don’t have either of those items, so I guess when I get home I’ll have to do some shopping.”

  “Yeah,” she suggested, as usual growing more excited at the prospect of shopping. “Maybe take your sister or your mom with you. It’ll be fun. You can make a whole day of it.”

  I started to pack away the last of my things when I heard her say, “Hey, you can pack later. I want to hear all about the ‘official total make-out session’.”

  I laughed. “Oh, okay.” I put down the shirt I was folding, then sat Indian-style on the bed across from her.