Imaginary Grace

by Anne Holster

  The couches were a deep brown color and big and plush, with lots of earth-toned pillows scattered about. In front of them, a large wooden coffee table held everyone’s drinks, and on the far wall was the biggest flat-screen TV I had ever seen. Just as I was taking a sip of my beer, Abby came into the room. “Tanner, Grace, it’s about time you guys got here. We were beginning to think Tanner was blowing us off again!”

  Tanner playfully grabbed Abby by her shoulders. “What do you mean, again? I never blow you guys off!”

  “That’s true,” Abby said. “You always say straight-out that you’re not coming.”

  Everyone laughed at that one, including Tanner.

  “Looks like Grace has made you into a new man,” she added. I felt everyone’s eyes shift to me and froze. I didn’t know what to say, but in a flash Tanner was at my side, “Yep, she sure has,” he said still laughing, and I’m sure it was my imagination, but I could swear that as he pulled me close, he inhaled the scent of my hair.

  “Hey Grace,” Abby said, “Julia was just about to give us the grand tour. Do you want to tag along?”

  “Sure,” I said, feeling relieved to be out of the spotlight. “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” I whispered to Tanner as I joined the group of girls who were already starting up the stairs.

  Abby hung back and waited for me. “I hope I didn’t embarrass you down there,” she said, as we brought up the rear. “Sometimes I like to give Tanner the business, but he’s used to it.”

  “That’s okay, I didn’t mind,” I said quickly, hoping she’d give me some more information.

  “It’s true, you know. First the wedding and now this. Tanner never comes to family parties. His mom is just over the moon about you.”

  “Really?” I asked, but what I really wanted to ask her was why, why did he not go to family events? Why hadn’t he brought other girls around? Why, why, why!

  I wasted our last moments of privacy debating how to ask without looking desperate, then we caught up with the group and it was too late.

  Julia showed us around the master bedroom, which was gorgeous, then the master bath, which was about the size of the dorm room I shared with Beth. There was also another smaller bedroom and a bathroom in the hallway. They had really done a great job of decorating.

  When we got downstairs, all of the girls gathered in the kitchen. I would have rather gone to find Tanner, but not wanting to appear rude, I reluctantly followed. Just then, he appeared at my arm and steered me toward his cousin Will, who I vaguely remembered from the wedding. “Nice to see you again, Grace. I was just asking Tanner here if you had a sister you might want to introduce me to.”

  “I got dibs if there’s a sister,” his cousin John, who was standing behind us, chimed in.

  It might have been my imagination, but Tanner looked a bit bewildered by the comments.

  “Um, well, I do have a sister, but she’s only fourteen.”

  “Ah, too bad.” Will jerked his head toward Tanner. “Well, if you ever get tired of this guy, give me a call.”

  I just smiled as he turned and made his way back to the kitchen. “Isn’t he here with someone?” I whispered to Tanner, who seemed obviously distracted by the exchange.

  “Uh, no. He and John came together. Will was dating someone for a while, but I heard they broke up. I’m not sure if John is seeing anyone.”

  “I thought it was all couples here…”

  “No,” he said, still distracted, “some of the girls are friends of Julia’s.” He pushed the sleeves of his thermal to just below his elbows. “Hey, I’m gonna go get another beer. You want one?”

  “No, I’m good,” I said, holding up the nearly full bottle in my hand. Tanner headed into the kitchen, leaving me standing there alone and uncomfortable. I wandered into the dining room, looking at all the pictures they had on the wall. Through the open French doors I could see Gavin, Mike and a couple others on the back deck, a bottle of liquor, whiskey perhaps, on the table in front of them. Behind them, I saw the snow-covered trees and shivered involuntarily. What was the fun of standing out in the freezing cold?

  “Hey, Grace,” Galvin shouted, “come do a shot with us.”

  “Oh, no thanks,” I said, automatically looking around for Tanner.

  “Come on, Grace, we won’t tell Tanner,” Mike said, which made me and the others laugh.

  Just then, Julia appeared and grabbed my arm. “Come on, Grace. I don’t want to be the only girl.”

  “Oh…okay,” I said as she ushered me out to the deck. As Gavin handed each of us a shot I glanced around again for Tanner, but he was nowhere in sight.

  “To the newlyweds!” Mike toasted as we all clinked our glasses together and said in unison, “To the newlyweds!” I stared briefly at the shot, then closed my eyes and tossed it back, not giving myself a chance to taste the bitter liquid. My eyes squeezed shut as it burned down the back of my throat. After it was down, I took a big gulp of beer to get the taste out of my mouth. I’d never been a fan of hard liquor.

  “Are you guys trying to get my girl drunk?” Tanner said, slipping his arm around my waist, “‘Cause that’s ooookay with me.”

  Everyone cracked up, but I felt the heat rising to my face.

  “I don’t know where you found this one, Tanner,” Gavin said, “but you better hold onto her.”

  Tanner smiled, but once again he seemed taken aback. Of course, it could have just been my imagination… or the shot. A moment later, Julia asked if I could help her put the food out and I reluctantly followed her into the kitchen.

  She’d kept it simple, just sandwiches and salads, which were both perfect and timely. I needed to get something in my stomach after doing that shot. It was a casual affair, with everyone just grabbing a seat wherever they could find one. The guys kept offering me drinks, but I switched to soda. After all, I did have class the next day, plus I had no desire to make a fool of myself in front of Tanner’s family.

  By eight o’clock, everyone was getting ready to go. Still, it took another thirty minutes or so to say our goodbyes, during which Tanner endured more ribbing about not staying in touch. Finally, after thanking Gavin and Julia for having us over, we walked out with Mike and Abby.

  “I’ll see you soon, kid,” Mike said to Tanner as he slapped him on the back. Then he turned to me, saying, “It was great seeing you again, Grace. We’ll have to do it again soon.”

  “Yeah,” Abby added, “let’s get together again. Tanner, bring Grace over to meet the boys. They haven’t seen you since Christmas.”

  “I’m sure we could arrange that,” Tanner said as he grabbed my hand.

  On the drive home, I noticed that Tanner wasn’t nearly as talkative as he had been on the way over. At first I thought that maybe he was just tired from his busy week, but when we got back to the dorm, he didn’t park and walk me to the door like he usually did—he just pulled up in front, said he’d see me at class and gave me a peck on the cheek.

  What the hell? I reminded myself that we had a great day and everyone got in a quiet mood once in a while. Just chill, Grace.

  When I got upstairs, Beth was waiting. I recounted every minute of the day, smiling as I told her about the shots on the deck. I didn’t bother mentioning how quiet he had been in the car. Satisfied that I had filled her in on everything, she said, “Oh, by the way, Thomas is coming to visit again in a few weeks. I was thinking that maybe the four of us could do something together.”

  “Oh, Beth, that would be great,” I said, stifling a sudden yawn. “I’ll tell Tanner, but right now I gotta go to bed.”

  As I slipped under the covers a few minutes later, I was already planning what the four of us would do. Just two couples, hanging out. Awesome.

  I couldn’t wait to see Tanner in class on Tuesday, but from the moment he walked in he seemed a little off. I couldn’t put my finger on it,
but something wasn’t right. I tried to convince myself it was just my imagination, but it was the same thing at the gym. He was acting…aloof. After the gym, he made a vague comment about getting together over the weekend, then we parted ways. The whole rest of the day and most of the night, I couldn’t stop thinking about the weird vibe he’d been putting out.

  I tried not to worry when I didn’t hear from him all the next day. After all, I couldn’t freak out every time a guy was in a bad mood. I was tempted to ask Beth how she dealt with Tom’s moods, but I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire. Plus, I had the feeling that if anyone was dealing with anyone’s moods, it was Tom dealing with Beth’s. She definitely had the upper hand in that relationship.

  The following day, Thursday, was mercifully the busiest day of my week. With back-to-back classes and a study group, there was no time to think about anything other than school. I barely had the energy to eat dinner and fall into bed, exhausted.

  Friday was a different story. I had just one late morning class, and plenty of time to think—never a good thing. It was turning out to be a beautiful day, so I decided that instead of the gym I’d go for a jog. As soon as class got out I headed straight to the dorm and changed into sweats, a zip-up sweatshirt, and my favorite pair of Nikes, then slipped my iPod into my pocket.

  Thinking back I realized I knew where I was headed before I even started running. I rushed through my warm-up—which I never did—then slipped my ear buds in and started down the path. I hadn’t gone on a good outdoor run all winter, so this was a real treat. This time, though, I wasn’t able disappear into my music as I usually did, because I had Tanner on the brain. Maybe I’d head over to his place and see if he was home.

  His apartment was all the way across town, and I was a bit winded when I reached his block. That’s not why you’re hesitating, Grace, I thought as I slowed to a walk. I convinced myself that I was being silly. Nothing was wrong. He’d probably be glad I stopped by.

  Chapter 34

  Tanner

  After the gym, I decided to just chill back at the apartment, maybe play my guitar for a while, something I’d done far too little of lately. As I strummed the chords, I thought again about the other day at Gavin’s, and how I had colossally fucked up by bringing Grace there. My mom was already convinced our relationship was real—so why did I have to go and up the ante? Now my whole family was crazy about her, and it was going to turn into a huge mess when I finally ended this charade.

  I thought about telling Mike and Abby she had ditched me, but I wasn’t sure they’d buy it. All I knew was that if Abby ever found out what I’d done, she’d flip.

  Even I couldn’t deny the feeling of guilt I got whenever I thought about the eminent breakup. Grace was a genuinely nice person and she was going to take it hard, of that I was sure, but I didn’t know of any way I could soften the blow. It was unfortunate, but it was going to happen at some point. I continued gently strumming as different ideas on how to contain the fallout swirled through my head. They all sucked, though, and after a few minutes I decided to focus on the music for a while. I was just getting into it when I heard someone knocking. Slightly annoyed, I put my guitar down and pulled open the door. Grace.

  “Hi,” she said quietly with a half-smile on her face.

  “Hey, what’s up? Come on in,” I stammered as I moved to the side to let her through. I knew why she was here – she wanted to see what was up with my weird mood all week. Since I wasn’t ready to end it yet, I’d have to switch gears. “Have a seat,” I said, smiling as I motioned to the couch. “What brings you here?”

  “Oh, I was just out running, and I decided I’d surprise you.” She sounded a little nervous, like she was gauging my reaction.

  “…and you succeeded,” I said, grinning.

  She motioned to the guitar. “Do you play?”

  Do I play? Is she kidding? Then I remembered that I’d never told her I played the guitar and not only that, she also had no idea that I played with the band. As far as she knew, I was just the sound guy.

  “Yeah,” I slowly answered.

  “Can you play something for me?” she asked, then added, “Do you mind if I grab myself a water from your fridge?”

  “Go ahead,” I replied as I reached for the guitar, then took a seat on the couch and began strumming again as she walked into the kitchen.

  “Tuesday Afternoon,” I heard her say as she pulled open the fridge.

  My head spun around towards the kitchen. “What did you say?”

  Grace turned to me. “Tuesday Afternoon… isn’t that what you’re playing?”

  “How do you know that song?” I asked with obvious surprise in my voice.

  She shrugged, “I just…know it.” I started playing something else as she unscrewed the cap on the bottle of water and brought it up to her mouth. “Wild Horses,” she said quietly before taking a sip.

  No fucking way. It had to be a fluke. But I couldn’t help staring at her in amazement as she walked back over to the couch and sat down. I contemplated what I would play next and then I sat back and began, but within seconds she said, “Stairway to Heaven.” Smiling at me, she took another sip of water, then placed the bottle and her iPod down on the coffee table.

  I was absolutely floored. I shot out at least five more tunes to her and she guessed every friggin’ one.

  “Do you mind if I use your bathroom?” she asked.

  “Yeah, sure, go ahead,” I told her, still amazed by her flawless guessing. As soon as I heard the bathroom door close, I grabbed her iPod and started scrolling quickly through her playlist. Holy shit! Boston, Van Halen, Moody Blues, Led Zeppelin…the list went on and on. Then I scrolled back up to the top and slowly made my way down the alphabetical list until I got to the start of the M’s.

  It couldn’t be possible, could it? It would be too much of a coincidence, but as I scrolled through the playlist, suddenly the words were right there in front of me . . . Magic Power. No. Fucking. Way. I heard the bathroom door open, so I quickly shut the iPod off and put it back on the coffee table. Then I slid back to the end of the couch where I had been sitting.

  When she sat down I said, “Okay, I got one more for you.”

  “Shoot,” she said with a look of confidence I had never seen on her face before. I looked into her eyes and began to play. “Magic Power…by Triumph.” She whispered the words, but her eyes were shining.

  “You like it?” I asked.

  “Like it?” she answered. “More like love it. It’s like one of my favorites.”

  “No fucking way,” I said excitedly. “Me, too!”

  “Have you ever seen the video on Youtube of them playing that song at the US Festival?”

  “Oh, yeah,” I said, “awesome video.”

  “Well, my dad is actually in that video; he was there at the US Festival back in 1983.” Grace laughed. “He’s the guy with the mullet and the cheesy mustache.”

  “Holy shit, I’ve seen that guy! He’s your dad?”

  “Yeah,” she said, “and he still talks about it. He’s says that Triumph definitely stole the show that day.”

  “I’ll bet,” I said as my mind spun. Not only was she into the music I played with Hudson-Nash, she was even into the music that I loved that Hudson-Nash didn’t play. How could I have not known that?

  “Wait, hold on a minute,” I said as I went into my bedroom, returning with my laptop, “I gotta check out that video again.” I fired it up and logged onto Youtube.

  About a minute into the video, Grace let out a squeal. “Look, there he is!” I paused the video and said, “Oh, man, that’s so cool!”

  “Cool?” she said. “He looks nuts! We used to always make fun of him when we were younger.”

  I laughed as I put the laptop down on the coffee table. “How do you know all this old music?”

  “My dad always listen
ed to it when we were kids, so I guess you could say I grew up on it. While all the other girls in school were listening to the latest boy band, I was listening to this stuff. Never said anything, I didn’t want to seem different or weird. You know how high school can be.”

  She leaned back on the couch, taking a long drink from the bottle of water, for once seemingly oblivious to my stare. I knew in that moment that something had changed, shifted. It was as if a cloudy film was being peeled away from my eyes, and I was seeing clearly for the first time.

  “How did you first get into that music? You’re not that much older than me,” she asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

  “Um, I guess from my brother, but I don’t know who turned him on to it,” I said as I slid closer to her.

  “How long have you been playing the guitar?” she asked, and I could tell she was genuinely interested, not just playing at it like most girls who just said what they thought the guy wanted to hear. “‘Cause you’re really good.”

  “Since I was a kid, maybe seven or eight. I don’t really remember,” I told her, but I didn’t want to talk about myself. Half-hour ago I was thinking about how I would end it, and now I just wanted to get closer to her.

  Who was this girl?

  I reached over and started playing with her hair. She had it up in that long, tight ponytail again, but it was windblown from the jog over here, with loose strands falling around her face. I moved my hand up so it was resting on the back of her neck. Her skin felt so warm and smooth, and I wondered what the rest of her would feel like. She stiffened, as if she could read my thoughts.

  “I should probably get going,” she said as she started to get up.

  “Don’t go,” I said, as I slowly pulled her back down towards me. “You just got here. Tell me more. Like…I don’t know. Have you ever seen any of the bands in concert?”

  “Um, yeah, my dad took me to see the Moody Blues at Jones Beach when I was like ten. It was just the two of us, and we spent the day at the beach. We even brought food with us and a little grill and cooked on the beach before the concert; it was a lot of fun. Oh, and my whole family went to see Bon Jovi last summer at Giants Stadium; that was pretty cool because all of my cousins came, but that’s about it. My dad says he’s seen plenty in his day and that he’s basically done with ‘that scene’, as he calls it.”