Imaginary Grace

by Anne Holster

  I didn’t mention the concert to Ryder right away since I knew she’d be all over me about it and, anyway, I might end up not going. No point in getting her hopes up. All week long, I struggled with my decision until by Thursday I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to go. I had to see him again, if only to get closure for myself. That night I asked Ryder, and the first thing she said was, “Will Scott be there?”

  “I don’t know. Probably,” I told her, shrugging.

  “Then I’m in,” she said, then added, “Are you thinking about getting back with him?”

  “No!” I snapped. “Are you kidding? After what he did, definitely not!”

  She was startled at the way I jumped at her. “Okay, okay, I’m just asking. Don’t get all defensive about it.”

  “Defensive! I’m not getting defensive.”

  She smiled wryly with one eyebrow raised as she said, “Now you’re definitely sounding defensive.”

  “Do you want to go or not?” I asked, beginning to get annoyed with her.

  “Yes, I said I’d come. Jeez, don’t have a cow,” she said and then I heard her whisper something under her breath as I started to walk away.

  I turned, placing my hands on my hips. “What did you just say?”

  She looked up at me and said, “It’s nothing.”

  “I heard you say something, Ryder. Now what was it?” I said, getting more annoyed by the minute.

  “Well, if you must know, I said that instead of getting all defensive maybe you should be thanking Tanner.”

  “Thanking him? Thanking him for what…for making me feel like a fool?” I countered.

  Ryder let out a huff. “Well I know it’s a stretch, but think about it…think about last year at this time, when you left for school. You were like a total dork. Then fast forward six months when you left again after winter break…you were like a totally new person. I mean, you were the same person, just in a much cooler package. Be honest now…Tanner was the reason for the change. Admit it, you know it’s true.”

  She had a point, albeit a warped one, but a point nonetheless. I wasn’t about to admit it, though. I stood there with my hands on my hips staring at her. “Are you done?”

  “Yeah, I’m done…just some food for thought.” She shrugged.

  “Okay, well anyway, I have plans with James on Saturday that I really shouldn’t break, but I should be home in time so make sure you’re ready to go as soon as I get here. I’ll text you when I’m on my way.”

  “Fine, I’ll be ready.” She offered me a final smirk before leaving the room.

  Saturday morning arrived amidst a beehive of activity. My mom was rushing around getting some last minute things together for her and my dad’s trip to Cape Cod. They had friends in that area that they’d met on their honeymoon, and they got together every year around their anniversaries to celebrate. My grandparents usually stayed with us, but this year we were staying alone.

  Apparently at the age of almost nineteen my mom finally thought I was mature enough to handle it. After they left, I must admit that I was feeling a bit uneasy – not about them going away, but about what was going to happen tonight. It wasn’t that I was having second thoughts about going to the concert. I guess I just didn’t know what to expect.

  James and I had plans to go to his cousin’s engagement party at The Breakers, which was in Spring Lake at the Jersey shore. From what I’d heard, it was pretty fancy. I decided to wear my new yellow, bright-as-the-sun cotton sundress that I’d been saving for just such an occasion. The dress was short, but not too short, and it had a v-neck that dipped just low enough to still be considered classy. It had thin spaghetti straps that crossed in the back and intricate pleated detailing all along the bottom. It fit me like a glove and, of course, showed off my hard-earned tan. Add a pair of my favorite strappy sandals, and I was good to go.

  It was going to be a long, hot day, so I thought it safest to keep my hair pulled back in a long ponytail that was pulled to the side so it hung down the front of my dress. After one last look in the mirror I was ready to go. Just before I left, I yelled up the stairs to Ryder, reminding her that I’d text on the way home and to make sure she was ready.

  I walked outside to meet James as he was walking up the path to my front door, and I noticed that he did a bit of a double-take when he saw me, which made me think that I’d definitely chosen the right outfit. He looked as handsome as ever, but still when he leaned in to kiss me…nothing.

  “You look great, Grace,” he said as he took my hand.

  “Thanks,” I told him, and then we got into his car and headed off.

  I can’t deny that I had a really good time at the party with him, and I actually felt a little guilty about what I was doing later. Not that I was actually going to be doing anything, but still. The party was over and done by five o’clock, which would have given me more than enough time to change and freshen up before the concert, but James was making no move to leave.

  He had gotten caught up talking with some of his cousins from out of town. They were staying at The Breakers, and I had to fight the urge to look at my watch when they invited us up to their room. There was nothing I could say without looking rude, so I smiled and followed them to their floor. Forty-minutes later I thought I was free, but then they asked us if we wanted to join them for drinks at the hotel bar. The bar was out on a beautiful extended wraparound porch and had a magnificent view of the ocean. I could tell James wanted to go, and my mind began racing with lame excuses.

  “Sorry, guys, we can’t,” James said, “Grace’s underage.” Thank God for his manners and for Jersey’s notoriously strict laws against underage drinking!

  Unfortunately, my relief was short-lived.

  “No problem,” one of his cousins said. “We’ll make our own bar up here. We’ve got a decent sized balcony with a great view of the ocean and plenty to drink.”

  James looked at me and said, “What do you say, Grace? Do you want to stay for a little while?”

  “Oh, sure, for a little while,” I said, smiling on the outside, but cringing on the inside. “Not too long though,” I added. “Don’t forget, Ryder’s home alone.”

  “Ooh, I forgot about that. Okay, we won’t stay too long, then,” he said, ever the perfect gentleman. It was getting close to seven o’clock now. I knew this because I kept glancing at the digital clock on the nightstand every five minutes.

  In less than an hour it would be dusk, and who knew what the traffic would be like on the way home? Finally, it was time to bite the bullet. “Um, James, maybe we should get going. Ryder might be uncomfortable being home alone after dark. Jagger won’t be back until later tonight.”

  “Oh, sure, Grace. I didn’t realize the time.” Then he stood up and told everyone that we had to be going. Next, of course, the seemingly endless round of goodbyes began which took another fifteen minutes to complete, so we didn’t get out to the car until close to seven-thirty.

  I was cutting it close, but I’d still be able to get there in time to see most of the concert. I tried not to let my anxiousness show as we started on our way home. I made small talk about the various relatives of his that I had met today, but that got more difficult to do when we hit bumper-to-bumper traffic the minute we pulled onto the Garden State Parkway.

  I could feel the knot tightening in my stomach with each passing minute, until the traffic finally began to ease up as we crossed over the Driscoll Bridge. It started to look like we’d have smooth sailing the rest of the way, and I realized that I’d still be able to catch some of the show. That is until we hit another pocket of bumper-to-bumper traffic, which turned out to be worse this time because we heard on the radio that there’d been an accident up ahead and all traffic was being funneled down to one lane.

  I texted Ryder and told her I was running late, but that she should be ready to walk out the door when I got home.


  “I’m sorry, Grace,” James said. “I know you must be really worried about your sister being home alone, but I think I can see the accident from here, so it shouldn’t be too much longer.”

  I felt bad when he said that. He was such a nice person, and if he knew Ryder at all, he’d know that she wasn’t afraid of the dark, or anything else for that matter. Finally we passed the accident and it really was smooth sailing the rest of the way, so hopefully it wouldn’t be too late.

  It was already after nine, and we were still quite a distance from my house, and I still had to change and drive over to the lake. I just kept my fingers crossed that I could still make it in time. Finally, as if seeing an oasis in the desert, I saw my house come into view. I wanted nothing more than to dive out of James’s car and into my front door, but I played it cool – another few minutes wouldn’t make a difference.

  Of course James would pick tonight of all nights to digress from his gentlemanly status by pouncing on me while we were parked in my driveway. I couldn’t very well throw him off of me, so I bided my time for a respectable five minutes before I came up for air and said, “Um, James, I really should get going…Ryder’s probably waiting for me.”

  “Oh…sure. Sorry. I forgot,” he said running his fingers through his hair as he slowly moved back into the driver’s seat. He was staring at me with his eyes kind of glazed over, and I was afraid he’d pounce again, so I quickly grabbed hold of the door handle.

  “Thanks again for today. I had a really nice time,” I said, and then I opened the door and scooted out, closing it behind me. I walked to the front door at a normal pace, then turned and waved as I put the key in the lock.

  Once inside, I yelled frantically for Ryder as I dashed up the stairs to change.

  “What took you so long!” she shrieked. “I thought you’d be home hours ago.”

  “Long story,” I said as I started rummaging through my room for something to change into.

  “What are you doing? There’s no time to change,” she said. “Let’s just go!”

  “You’re right,” I agreed, “but just let me fix my hair.” I ran into the bathroom and undid my ponytail. Then I brushed my hair out so it hung in long wisps down my back and then grabbed my keys, and the two of us were out the door.

  “Wait a minute,” she said, “we forgot about Jagger.”

  “Where is he?” I asked.

  “He’s in the basement on the Xbox, where else?” she told me, so I quickly dashed back inside and yelled down to him that we’d be back in a few hours, which he seemed to be fine with, then Ryder and I jumped in the car.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Ryder looking at me. She was dressed very casually in jean shorts and a tank top.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Tanner’s gonna die when he sees you in that dress. You look great.”

  I smiled at the compliment. “That wasn’t my intention,” I said, “but thanks.”

  “What’s supposed to happen tonight?” she asked.

  I thought about her question, and I really didn’t have an answer for her. I didn’t know what was supposed to happen tonight. All I knew was that after running into him last weekend at Chili’s and talking to him on the phone afterwards, I had to see him again. Maybe it was like I thought and I was just going to get closure, to know that I’d done the right thing and that it was really over, or maybe it was something else. All I knew is that I’d know the answer when I saw him, so I just said, “I don’t really know what’s supposed to happen,” and left it at that.

  When we pulled into the packed parking lot, it was nearly ten-thirty. The two of us giggled like little kids as we skedaddled through the lot with me teetering on my heels. I finally stopped and took my sandals off, and we starting running again.

  When we got to the gate, we paid the admission and then we moved through the crowd, trying to get reasonably close to the stage—a nearly impossible feat. We finally decided to stay where we were, perched against a big oak tree on the sandy shore of the lake, and just enjoy the music.

  I could tell Ryder was overwhelmed by it all from the way her eyes never left the stage. I’d forgotten that she’d never seen one of Tanner’s concerts, and so far she seemed pretty impressed. I knew by what they were playing that it was almost over. Just then Ryder leaned over and said, “I think I see Scott.” Then she pointed to an area covered by some trees at the side of the stage. “See? Over there. I’m going to go over to say hi.”

  “Okay,” I said. “I’ll be here for a few more minutes. It’s almost time for the encore, and then I want to see if I can get closer.”

  I watched her disappear through the crowd, and then I turned back to the stage as they finished up their last set. The lights went down and the crowd started to mill about, thinking that it was over, but I knew that they’d probably do one more song. I began to weave my way through the crowd, so that by the time they started to come back on I was about as close to the front as security would allow.

  The lights were still down, but I could see them coming back on stage. Then Cole yelled to the crowd, “Are you guys ready for one more!” And with that, the crowd erupted into a frenzy. Just then a single light shown down on Tanner as he began to strum the opening chords of “Magic Power” and then he began…

  “Something’s at the edge of your mind

  You don’t know what it is

  Something you were hoping to find

  You’re not sure what it is

  Then you hear the music and it all comes crystal clear

  The music does the talking, says the things you wanna hear

  I’m young, I’m wild, I’m free

  Got the magic power of the music in me . . .

  As I stood there, watching Tanner with my toes in the soft pebbly sand on that warm starry summer night under the biggest tangerine moon I had ever seen, I finally realized that I was where I was supposed to be.

  It may have started out as a farce and I knew there might always be a little piece of me that couldn’t forget that, but neither could I forget all the incredible stuff that came later. I was going to let go of the hurt, because most people can go through an entire lifetime without ever finding what we happened to stumble upon.

  It might have taken me all these months apart from him to finally make me fully understand what we had, and now that I did, I was going to hold on tight and never ever let it go again.

  Chapter 60

  Tanner

  When she hadn’t show up by the time I began the encore, I knew that chances were slim to none that she’d show up at all. I had to put her behind me. I couldn’t keep torturing myself. I just had to get through this last song and once I was done I was going to down the biggest, baddest bottle of whiskey that I could find.

  “I’m young now I’m wild

  And I’m free

  I got the magic power

  Of the music, I got the music in me

  I got the power, I got the magic

  She’s got the power, she’s got the magic

  She’s got the power, she’s got the magic

  She’s got the power, she’s got the magic . . .”

  The roar of the crowd was deafening as I continued to play, and as I did I looked out over the crowd one last time. But this time as I scanned the crowd, my eyes fell upon a somewhat familiar figure in the hottest looking dress I’d ever seen. I had just finished playing when my eyes locked on the girl in the sexy yellow dress…Grace?

  When the song ended, the band took a final bow to a round of thunderous applause. That is, everyone but me. I couldn’t move for fear she’d disappear, so I just stood there stone still as I stared at her and her at me.

  As if on autopilot, I leaned my guitar against one of the amps, jumped down off the stage and started moving toward her through the crowd and across the sand.

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nbsp; I saw her start to come forward, moving faster with each step until she was almost running, and when she reached me she flew into my arms and then wrapped hers tightly around my neck. I held onto her equally as tight and it was as if it were just the two of us all alone instead of amongst a sea of hundreds of people.

  Her long silky hair still smelled as sweet, and her skin still felt as soft. We stayed that way for a long time – so long, that I almost forgot about all the people staring at us. I didn’t care, though, I wasn’t gonna be the one to pull away first.

  Finally she loosened her hold and began to let her arms slip down, and that’s when I noticed that there were tears in her eyes. I immediately thought that something had happened to her or someone had done something to her, so I grabbed her shoulders gently and said, “Grace, what’s wrong? Did that tool do something to you…‘cause I swear I’ll kill him if he did.”

  A look of confusion clouded her face. “Tool? What tool? What are you talking about? Nobody did anything to me.”

  “Then why are you crying?”

  She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand as if she hadn’t even realized there were any tears. “I’m not upset…I’m just, just so happy to see you,” she said as she leaned in, embracing me again.

  Suddenly in the distance I heard Scott yell, “Get a room!” When I turned, I saw him and Ryder having a good laugh for themselves.

  “Come on,” I said, taking Grace by the hand. “I’m sure the bonehead can’t wait to see you.” I led her across the sandy beach to where Scott and Ryder were hanging out with the rest of the band.

  As soon as we got close enough, Scott double high-fived Grace. “Thanks for bringing my girl with you, Grace.” Then he stepped back, tossing an arm casually around Ryder.

  “Not your girl for at least another three years,” Grace joked as she pried her little sister away from him.

  We all hung out for a while, and I didn’t leave Grace’s side for even a minute, but eventually it was time for the lake to close up. I didn’t want to leave her tonight – or ever, for that matter – but tonight especially.