by Nicola May
‘How are your legs?’ was the first thing he said as he greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. I had worn a skirt especially so I could show off my bruises and get the sympathy I thought I deserved.
‘Bloody hell!’ he exclaimed.
I bruise very easily but even I was surprised at the size and depth in colour of these beauties.
‘Let me get you a drink to compensate for leading you into such danger.’
I know that I should have said that I wanted an orange juice; however the words,
‘Large glass of dry white wine, if that’s OK?’ came falling out of my mouth. My self-destruct key had been pressed and there was no stopping me. Charlie Boy matched me drink for drink.
‘Looks like the bike’s staying here for the night,’ he smirked a couple of hours later.
‘You do have a double bed don’t you?’
‘Of course I do,’ I leered back.
Oh God, I was back to my serial shagger status. Where were my morals. I was with child and was already contemplating going to bed with another man. Charlie was certainly good-looking and his boyish charm and excitable ways were adorable. I hadn’t had sex on a Sunday afternoon for ages, and just the thought of it was making me feel like grasping my bruised knees to me in anticipation. Alcohol had yet again made me reckless. Again, I blame my alcoholic tendencies on being a fish. I had been reading one of my astrology books in bed the night before as I had worked out that my child was likely to be a Gemini. I skipped to the Pisces chapter and read, Too many Piseans have a tendency to find relief in alcohol. It’s a dangerous vice as it lulls them pleasantly into a false sense of security.
Oh, how true this was this afternoon. As we walked Charlie’s bike back to my house and parked it safely in the front garden I felt like I didn’t have a care in the world.
As soon as the front door was closed he put his arms around me and started kissing me passionately. I drew away.
‘Wow, I forgive you for everything after that,’ I laughed.
‘You’ll forgive me for even more once you have a puff of this,’ he said pulling a huge joint out of his jacket pocket. I was actually quite shocked. I had let quite a sheltered life in the world of drugs. In fact, my only experience of smoking a joint was at Reading Festival ages and ages ago. Will had been the instigator of this. I remember giggling my head off for about ten minutes, then falling headlong into his lap, snoring, as a group of us sat round a campfire.
‘I don’t smoke,’ I said innocently. ‘This might make me want to start again.’
‘Oh come on Amy, the odd puff won’t hurt. In fact, it will make you feel really good.’
After choking on the initial drag I began to enjoy myself. It was quite wonderful to feel the rush of nicotine again, and I realised how much I had missed smoking. It was also quite wonderful to suddenly feel so mellow and that life was just so, so good.
‘Charles Collins, you have seen me in action on the Go-kart track: you are now going to see me in action on the stage.’ I stood up, joint in hand. ‘Please put your hands together for an Amy Anderson joke.’
Charlie clapped ferociously and I handed back to him the now nearly finished cause of my outlandishness.
‘OK, are you ready?’
‘Ready’ he replied seriously.
I then started giggling uncontrollably. ‘This is just such a funny joke.’
More uncontrollable giggling from both parties now. We finally both managed to stop laughing.
‘OK, quick, go go, tell it now,’ he urged.
‘OK, OK. Right, there are two turtles.’ I then proceeded to stick out my bottom lip as far as it would go. ‘This is the first turtle speaking.’ I tried to explain with my lip still sticking out, which made me sound like a dalek. More hysteria. ‘“When it rains,”’
I tried desperately not to laugh. ‘“Do you get water in your mouth?”’
I then changed into the second turtle and curved my top lip over the bottom one as far as it would go.
‘OK, this is the second turtle speaking now.’
With my lip still curved and my body bent, assuming the look of a turtle, I now sounded like Zippy from Rainbow as I delivered the punch line.
‘“No.”’
This was the only joke I ever remembered. H had told me it years ago and it still made me belly laugh. No one else ever seemed to find it that funny but in our current state Charlie and I did not stop laughing for at least ten minutes.
Once we had calmed down I put on some soft music and snuggled up to him on the sofa. He smelt really clean. I put my hand up his shirt and started to stroke his chest. His skin was really smooth. I love smooth-skinned men; hairy chests and backs are an instant turn – off to me.
‘I tell you what,’ Liv had once confessed on a girly night out, this guy I was seeing called Gary Simmons was so hairy everywhere – and I mean everywhere – I used to wake up after a night of passion and, no word of a lie, I used to cough up a fur ball!’
There was no chance of this with Charlie. Despite it being broad daylight I shut the curtains. I didn’t feel giggly now, just completely mellow.
‘Massage time, I reckon CC,’ I said to him seductively.
‘Yeah, baby,’ he mumbled.
I pulled off his shirt and trousers. He was firm in all the right places and I could see just how turned on he was. I felt slightly empowered being fully dressed and pleasuring him with my massage techniques. He moaned softly as I made sure that I didn’t miss any areas.
‘Now let me see, I think your friend down here wants kissing.’
By now I felt completely horny. Drunk, stoned and with George Michael playing in the background, the atmosphere was just right. I pulled down his Calvin Kleins (full approval on this front) and began to suck him gently at first. Then with a degree of urgency I used my tongue to increase his pleasure.
‘Wow!’ He exclaimed time and time again. I was enjoying giving this sexy beast pleasure. Then disaster struck. Just as I knew he was about to come, without warning my head started spinning like a waltzer at a fairground.
‘Shit – sorry,’ I shouted as I ran up the stairs two at a time and promptly threw up in the loo. Afterwards, I put the toilet lid down and sat slumped on it with my head towards the floor. I cannot remember ever feeling this out of control. I was almost incoherent when Charlie, now fully clothed, appeared in the doorway.
‘I’m sho sorry,’ I slurred.
‘No worries, Amy. Manyana and all that.’
‘I feel so ill,’ I wailed. My head was whirling and I felt sick again. As quickly as I could, given my condition, stumbled off the toilet seat, pulled the lid up and proceeded to throw up again.
– Thirty –
Pisces: A lucky escape today makes you reassess your whole life.
The next thing I knew, I was waking up on a cold, bright October Monday morning. I looked over to the other side of the bed, as the awful memory of the night before started coming back to me. Thankfully, it was only Penelope lying there. I had the worst hangover I’d ever experienced. My throat was sore from retching and I felt thoroughly distressed at how badly I had behaved.
I still had my shades on when I sat down at my desk. There was no way I could ring in sick again. Unfortunately, Sam had taken a day’s holiday and Liv was nowhere to be seen. I needed the pair of them more than anyone this morning.
I got myself a coffee and switched on my computer. I could barely sit upright I felt so terrible. I was supposed to be sourcing a venue today for a dinner for fifty people at a top West End hotel, but there was no way I could talk sense to anyone. I kept my head down, as I couldn’t point it any other way anyway and just pretended to be typing away. Good job Mr Parkinson was so short-sighted; even if he had looked over my shoulder he wouldn’t have noticed the pages of kdalfjjjjgja’kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkadgjapoeiadnm that I had typed.
Liv strolled in at ten. It was her turn to be flushed! She gave me one of her looks and sat down at her desk. Rules are that if you are la
te you don’t chat so as not to wind up Mr P further, instead you just get straight on to email.
Dear Minger
I don’t think I’ve ever seen you looking so rough. You OK?
By the way Jack is an absolute angel and he’s certainly not a good Catholic boy!
What with the go-karting accident and being preoccupied with my own selfish problems, I hadn’t even wished Liv a good weekend with Jack. I never usually forgot something like that and felt really bad about it. She knew something was badly wrong when all I replied was.
Dear Liv
I’m in a bad way and it’s not just a hangover. Let’s meet in the caf for lunch at 12. Glad you had good w/e.
The Café just down the road from our office was myself and Liv’s legendary meeting place. Inhabited by builders and truckers by day and cockroaches by night, it was, despite its seedy appearance, a godsend for hangovers. I have never tasted a better fry-up or cheese baguette and chips anywhere in the world. Mrs Higgins approached our table. She was five foot nothing tall and her waist circumference was about the same. She had a constant smile on her face.
‘Afternoon, ladies. By the look of you, it’s cheese baguette and chips times two.’
‘Spot on Mrs H, thanks,’ replied Liv.
‘Can I have a fat Coke as well please?’ I added. ‘Oh Liv.’ I put my head into my hands.
‘What is it, babe? If you shagged the Lion it doesn’t matter. You said he was cute and it doesn’t make you a bad person.’
‘I wish it was that simple.’ I took a deep breath and paused. ‘Liv, this is serious. I think I’m pregnant.’
For the first time in a long time Liv was speechless. She got her thoughts together, put her arm on mine and said, ‘OK, we can sort this together. Surely not from last night, so I guess it was Dublin?’ I nodded. ‘Why didn’t you tell me before, you stupid cow?’
‘You know what I’m like. I thought if I didn’t face it then it would go away.’
‘How late are you?’
‘About a week.’
‘Right, as soon as we’ve eaten we will go and get a test and I will come round yours straight after work.’
After enduring the longest afternoon in the history of Jenkins Software, for the second time in my life I pulled open the foil wrapper of a pregnancy test. Liv waited outside the bathroom. I was terrified.
‘Have you done it yet?’ she called through the door.
I appeared looking ashen. ‘You hold it and look, Liv. I so know it’s going to be a blue line and I cannot face it.’
After an hour-long minute Liv looked down at the test, then looked at me. ‘There’s no line, nothing, nada. You’re OK, Ames.’
‘I hope I peed on it properly. These home tests are evidently extremely accurate but I’m still not convinced.’
An hour later, after getting an emergency appointment at the doctor’s I ran out to Liv’s car, this time smiling profusely.
‘I’m fine,’ I told her exultantly. ‘There’s no baby. With all the stress and the travelling to America and then Dublin and back in such a short time it’s affected my cycle, that’s all.’ I let out a huge sigh of relief.
‘Halle-bloody-lujah!’ Liv exclaimed. ‘I think we should go for a drink to celebrate.’
‘Actually Liv, do you mind if we don’t? I still feel like shit and I’m worried that I’m drinking too much at the moment.’
‘Ames, you’re scaring me now. Please don’t tell me you’ve become a vegetarian and will go to church every Sunday as well!’
‘Don’t be silly. I just think I should take a bit more control over where I want my life to go from now, that’s all.’
‘All right then, Ames, for starters promise me condoms all the way from now on. I don’t think I could go through a day like this again!’
– Thirty One –
Sagittarius: Being in the wrong place at the wrong time leads to a missed opportunity of happiness today.
The week flew past. I got my head down at work and limited myself to one glass of wine per night with my dinner. I even stayed in every night, despite constant efforts by Brad and Liv to get me down the pub.
Saturday morning arrived, as did my period, hurrah! I had a sumptuous lie-in, followed by my favourite breakfast of carved ham and poached eggs. Life felt better.
Christopher hadn’t called me yet to check on how my date with Charlie had gone. Strange. Just as I was thinking this, the phone rang and it was him.
‘Spooky – was just thinking about you,’ I said.
‘Nice things, I hope! Just wondered if you would consider an honest Cancer as your next contender?’
‘I’ve only just got over Mr Leo and the injuries I sustained from him.’
‘Yes, I did hear.’
‘Oh, did you indeed?’
‘Anyway,’ Christopher speedily continued, ‘we don’t want to talk about him now, we need to find you a new date.’
My Piscean intuition picked up on Christopher’s haste to change the subject.
‘Spit it out about Mr Leo, come on. I know there’s something I should know.’ Just saying the words ‘spit it out’ brought back embarrassing memories of my mistimed debauchery with Charlie.’
‘He doesn’t want to see you again, Amy Just said he didn’t think you were the type of girl for him.’
I thought this might be the case, but just hearing the words was quite hurtful, despite him being a drug taking scallywag!
‘Oh well, you win some you lose some I guess,’ I said breezily.
‘So Mr Cancer?’ Christopher reiterated.
I didn’t have the heart to tell him yet that one of the life-changing decisions I’d made since my pregnancy scare was that Charlie Collins was the final Starr & Sun contender in my search for a sole-mate.
‘I’ll call you next week and let you know, bit busy with other things at the moment.’
‘Cordelia sends her good wishes, by the way.’
It made me laugh that Christopher and Cordelia had seemed to take me under their wings.
I was going to concentrate on just me for the moment. My head still wasn’t completely straight after the Kieran incident. I was going to cut down on my drinking, lose the stone I had wanted to lose for years and basically stop being a certified nymphomaniac. From now on I would wait for Mr Right. Someone who cared about me for who I was, and who I got to know before I jumped into bed with him.
Thinking about this brought back memories of Will. We had waited a whole year before we had slept together. Granted, we were young but just waiting made the whole event really special. I had been so in love with him. We used to laugh so much together that my sides would be splitting. Will was my rock. He had helped me through the loss of my mother, which had meant a great deal to me.
I decided to contact him. Of course I could meet up with him and not sleep with him. He was an outrageous flirt, but he had always been faithful to me, so why would he want to sleep with me anyway, as he had a girlfriend?
I rang Directory Enquiries and got the phone number for W.W. Go-Karts. The dulcet tones of cockney Vince came down the line.
‘Will? Nah he’s not ’ere at the moment, love.’
I didn’t want to leave a message.
‘Oh, OK. When will he be around and I’ll call back?’
‘He’s on holiday, taken a couple of weeks off with the missis. Thailand, I think he said. I’ve got a message book here for him – shall I take ya name?’
‘No, it’s OK, thanks. It’s not important. I’ll catch up with him when he’s back,’
I replied despondently.
Fate will prevail if we’re destined to meet up. I thought. Trust Will to be in Thailand. He really was textbook Sagittarius with his flirtatious ways and love of travel.
The phone rang as soon as I put it down. It was Jon.
‘Hiya, Amy, how are things?’
‘Hello you,’ I replied chirpily. ‘Good to hear from you. It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster of a few weeks b
ut I’m good at the moment thanks,’ I told him. ‘No one bought next door yet then, I see?’
‘That’s partly why I’m calling. Just wanted to let you know that a handsome, debonair chap will be moving in next weekend.’
‘Oh my God, do you know if he’s single?’
‘Amy, you are such a girl! He is now, unfortunately, but somehow I don’t think you’re really his type.’
The penny dropped. ‘Oh Jon, sorry you’re single but it’s bloody fantastic that you’re moving in. That has really made my day. Are you OK though? I know how much you cared about Andrew.’
‘It’s been tough. We’re still friends, but leaving Scotland is the best way for me to move forward with my life. OK, Amy, must dash, packing to do. See you next week.’
‘Looking forward to it. Bye now.’
– Thirty Two –
Pisces: An attractive proposition leads to you becoming the centre of attention.
It was ages since the whole of the gang had got together so I arranged an impromptu dinner party at mine the following Saturday night. Jon had now moved in so I thought it was a good opportunity to introduce him to everyone at the same time.
It was to be quite a party. H and Horace, Sam and Katie, Liv and Jack, myself, Brad and Jon. Anna and Boyd sadly had other arrangements, although I don’t think Anna was that bothered. She had rung the night before to inform me that although her bowels were almost cured, she was sure my cooking could turn even an iron stomach to molten metal. Nice!
Brad arrived early with a bunch of yellow roses and a box of wine in hand. He seemed to be getting stronger by the day now. He kissed me on the cheek.
‘Princess, you look wonderful as always. Now what culinary delights are you dishing up tonight? I’m starving.’
‘It’s an ensemble of dishes taken from my favourite recipes from The Curry Castle Cook Book.’
‘What time are they delivering it?’ he enquired laughing.
‘Nine p.m., now let’s have a glass of wine whilst I lay the table.’
Penelope appeared and swiped his paw at Brad’s foot.