by Nicola May
‘I tell you Amy, that cat is a demon. Mind you, if you’d cut my balls off and called me a girl’s name I don’t think I’d be too happy either!’
The others started to arrive. H’s bump was beginning to show now. Horace was running around her getting everything she needed. He looked like a mad professor with his mop of red curly hair. When H announced she was marrying Horace four years ago I had said to her, ‘You do realise they’re going to be gingers, don’t you?’
‘What are?’ she had replied innocently.
‘Your kids, silly.’
‘Oh Amy, don’t. I had actually thought of that. I’m probably going to be the only mother who hopes the baby is born with no hair. I shall have the hair dye and clippers ready just in case!’
Sam and Katie were so gooey over each other it was quite sickening. They complemented each other fantastically, both with their long flowing locks and good looks. Katie’s newfound interest in New Age philosophies meant that there was never a shortage of conversations on yins and yangs, chakras and chis.
‘A little gift for you, Ames,’ Sam said, thrusting yet another candle into my hand. ‘Guessed the old love corner could do with a boost.’
‘I’m actually off men at the moment, Mr Clark. I’m looking inward and finding myself before I launch myself at another potential victim.’
Just as I was finishing my sentence Liv flew into the dining room, auburn hair flowing, looking completely gorgeous in a green velvet mini-dress.
‘This is Jack, everyone,’ she announced. And before anyone could say hello.
‘Oh, and this is Ryan. Hope you don’t mind, Ames, but Ryan is one of Jack’s old Uni mates and we’d arranged to meet up before your little impromptu soirée.’
‘More the merrier, you know me,’ I said breezily.
Brad poked me in the back and whispered, ‘Sweetie, don’t spend too long looking inwardly.’
Ryan was a complete babe. He was around six foot two, with rugby player build. He had black wavy hair and was dressed immaculately in a crisp white shirt and black jeans. He handed me a flower that he had picked from my front garden.
‘Couldn’t gate-crash empty handed,’ he smiled.
I had expected him to be Irish but he had a West Country accent.
‘Oh, so you’re not from the Emerald Isle as well then?’ I enquired.
‘No. I live in London now but I was born and bred in St Ives.’
‘How lovely.’ I replied. ‘I love the coastline of Cornwall. Had many a happy holiday there as a kid.’
‘Yeah, it is beautiful. I’ve still got a holiday place down there but there’s not much call for my line of work in a seaside town, unfortunately.’
‘What do you do then?’
‘I’m a TV producer.’
Liv butted in. ‘My dear Minger, when you have finished gabbing, any chance of some vino?’
‘Surprised you haven’t emptied the wine rack already. Help yourself.’
‘Dinner will be ready at nine,’ I announced.
‘I can’t smell anything cooking,’ said Horace innocently.
With this the doorbell rang.
‘Oh, that must be my personal caterers,’ I declared in a posh accent. It wasn’t actually the caterers, but Jon.
‘Come in, come in, babe.’
I directed Jon through to the dining room and gave him a quick introduction. I hadn’t actually told Brad that he was gay, as I didn’t want him to think I was trying to set him up so soon after Sean’s death, although quite obviously I was.
When I went to the kitchen to put some plates in the oven to warm and to open some more wine, Brad followed me in.
‘Bit of a feast for you tonight, eh Ames? They are both so cute. Ryan’s a bit on the tall side for me but Jon, is a complete doll.’
‘Thought you’d think so; he wouldn’t be interested in me though.’
‘Oh don’t say that, my sweet. You know you’re beautiful, there would be no reason why he wouldn’t be.’
‘The fact that he’s just finished with his boyfriend might be one,’ I replied, smiling.
‘Oh, my God I don’t believe it!’ Brad exclaimed. ‘And I can’t believe you didn’t tell me before.’
Everyone was secretly pleased when the takeaway arrived and they didn’t have to be subjected to one of my usual disgusting concoctions.
‘Dig in!’ I invited them.
The wine and conversation flowed. I was really happy to see that Liv had met her match with Jack. What he lacked in the wallet department he made up for with his sense of humour and quick wit. I just knew that she would not get bored with him as she usually did after a couple of dates. She came out with me to the kitchen to clear the dishes.
‘Anyone I should know about in the wings or in rehearsal now?’ I enquired.
‘Actually, my smug minger friend, I expect you can tell that the one on the stage is putting on a fine performance at the moment.’ She threw back her head and laughed. ‘I love you, Ames, you know me so well.’
Brad and Jon also seemed to be getting on really well. I had heard them talking about Sean and saw Jon put a caring hand on Brad’s arm as he was talking. Although Ryan was very good-looking he wasn’t really my type. We got on well enough but he wasn’t ‘sparky’ enough for me, plus I’d noticed he’d got really big ears. He was also very clean-cut and seemed very sensible. He even placed the different Indian foods tidily in piles on his plate, rather than throwing them on like everybody else. Must be a Virgo, I thought to myself. I knew that I couldn’t have fancied him or I wouldn’t have brought up the subject of the dating agency.
‘I want you all to know that I’ve decided I’m not going to subject myself to any more Horoscope dates,’ I announced to the table at large.
‘Oh Amy, why?’ H said, quite perturbed by my announcement. ‘I was wondering why you hadn’t called on me lately for my dresser duties.’
‘I thought you wanted to have a date with all twelve star signs?’ Katie enquired.
‘To be honest I’ve had a laugh but most of them were complete disasters. It’s only Aquarius, Virgo and Cancer that I’ve yet to subject myself to. Oh and Sagittarius, but I went out with Will all those years ago and if it was meant to be with him it would have worked out then, wouldn’t it?’
Brad, who had been following my every move, pointed out, that although I had lusted after my personal trainer, I hadn’t properly dated a Capricorn yet.
‘I’ve taken Capricorn off the list,’ I said boldly. ‘Christopher is a Capricorn and I’ve probably had more contact with him than anyone else. He is very sweet, but just doesn’t do it for me,’ I explained.
Ryan, who had been sitting quietly through my soliloquy, suddenly spoke up. ‘I’ve got a proposition for you.’
Everyone went silent.
‘I’m a Virgo, and I like attractive brunettes with a good sense of humour.’
I gulped, terrified of what he was going to say next.
‘But that’s got nothing to do with my proposition.’
Everyone laughed out loud.
‘So, what exactly are you proposing?’ I enquired.
Ryan then became completely animated. ‘I’m working on a show at the moment, it’s a dating game show and I’m looking for likely ladies to be contestants to find their dream date.’
‘Oh my God, how exciting!’ Liv exclaimed. ‘Can I come on it?’
Jack looked really hurt.
‘Only joking, my sweet,’ she said lovingly to him, looked at me and continued,
‘Amy, you just have to do it. It’s perfect for you. You know you’ve always secretly wanted to be on TV.’
Brad said camply, ‘I shall be your agent. I can see it now. People will be asking who the cute boy is who escorts you everywhere.’
I could tell Ryan was pleased by everybody else’s enthusiasm.
‘I think you’d be great, too,’ he told me. ‘What do you say, Amy? We’re shooting the first show next Saturday.’
‘Ooh, I don’t know,’ I dithered.
‘As her agent I can answer for her,’ Brad said boldly. ‘And she’s doing it.’
– Thirty Three –
Pisces: Shrug off your inhibitions and get involved in something exciting and different today. You never know what it may lead to.
Brad and I arrived at the Docklands TV studio bright and early on the Saturday morning. I’d never been to a TV studio before and it wasn’t even half as glamorous as I had imagined it to be. It was like a big warehouse, with loads of partitioned areas. Lots of stressed looking people were rushing around, dodging cabling that was strewn all over the floor.
I was terrified. The new show was entitled Perfect Date. Ryan had sent me a brief summary of the format a few days before. Basically, the studio was set up as a restaurant. There were to be three eligible bachelors, each one sat at a different table, and I had to ask them three simple questions. The one who gave me the answers I liked the most would be chosen by me as my dinner-date for that night.
This dinner would then be filmed and shown on the next show. If our date was a success then we, the lucky couple, would get an all expenses-paid weekend to a destination of our choice.
I could choose one question; the other two would be staged. The first I would see of the contestants would be when I sat down opposite them. Brad was beside himself with excitement.
‘Prinny, it’s going to be a doddle, sweetness. Just ooze sex and confidence. You’ll be fine,’ he assured me.
‘What if I forget the questions?’ I panicked.
Ryan appeared in the dressing-room doorway. ‘Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. You’ll have an earpiece, which I’ll be on the other end of, so I will prompt you. Felix here will do your make-up and hair.’
Felix was six foot four – in fact he was the tallest and campest man I had ever met. He was wearing a red shirt with a pink cravat and had cropped white hair, which contrasted, dramatically with his ebony skin.
‘Ooh just look at you,’ he announced on seeing me. ‘Biggest bag of nerves I’ve seen in a while. Don’t worry, honey, once I’ve teased your roots and simmered down that shine you’ll be just fine.’ He then looked at Brad. ‘I could tease you later if you fancy it, sweetie.’
Brad looked terrified. ‘Just popping to the loo,’ he announced and almost ran out of the room.
The Floor Manager walked me through my positioning for the show. She was a slight Welsh girl called Ffion with a mop of unruly blonde curls. She was extremely friendly but I could sense she would take no nonsense from me, as when I started wailing again that I was worried I might sit at the wrong table, she responded with, ‘You can’t and you won’t.’
This had made me even more terrified.
The presenter of the show was called Dirk Douglas. He had so much fake tan on he looked orange. He was broad-shouldered, with a really slender waist and long legs,
and dressed immaculately in a designer black suit, with an orange shirt and matching orange tie. This made me snort as it just looked like a continuation of his neck. His eyes seemed to dart around his face at one hundred miles an hour.
‘Amy, darling, I’m Dirk. You can call me Dee but not on air. Now let’s have a little run-through, shall we.’
Liv, H, Anna and Sam had arrived and were already sitting in the audience on their own. Ryan had let them in early as he thought they might help to calm my nerves.
‘Go, Amy, go.’ shrieked Liv from the audience. Dirk turned, gave her a disdainful look and concentrated back on me.
Once I had chatted through what Dirk was going to ask me at the start of the show, Felix appeared. ‘Show time, honey. Let’s get you into something shimmery.’
When Felix had finished with me I have to say I felt a million dollars. He had put my hair up and little ringlets fell around my face. I was wearing a fitted black cocktail dress, covered in sequins, and black high-heeled sandals. In this outfit I could have walked down a red carpet to a film premiere and not felt out of place.
Brad came in to see me as Felix was spraying my hair into place.
‘Whoa Amy, you look amazing. Now, you go girl, you will be brilliant. I’m going off to sit with the others.’ He kissed me on the cheek and sped off.
The music announcing the start of the show blared out. Ffion waited with me until Dirk said, ‘So let’s meet the lady who’s going to fulfil one of these lucky chaps’ fantasies.’
Ffion then pushed me forward with the words. ‘Smile for the camera.’
I felt like a rabbit that had been caught in the headlights of a car. Retain composure, my inner voice said. I could hear the gang clapping and screaming in the audience.
Amazingly, I managed to get through the introduction without a hitch. However, I still cringed at the thought of anyone who knew me watching, and regretted Brad ever talking me into this.
Dirk led me to the first table and announced cheesily, ‘Amy, meet Colin, Colin meet Amy. Ask a question and test the reaction.’
My mind suddenly went completely blank. I jumped back in my seat as Ryan said in my ear, ‘Dog, Amy, dog.’
‘Oh yes,’ I said, and smiled falsely out at the audience.
Colin was a nerd. He had brown hair, flicked across his right eye, and was wearing a hideous black and white stripy shirt with huge collars.
‘Colin, hi. If you were a dog, what sort of dog would you be?’
‘I think I would have to be an Alsation, Amy. ‘Rough, tough and loyal.’ He then played up his part by adding. ‘You can share my kennel any time.’
I thought I was going to be sick. I paused again.
‘Second one, Amy – car, car!’ Ryan screeched in my ear.
‘Now then, Colin.’ I was beginning to feel a bit more confident now. I cocked my head to the side and asked, ‘What would you say is your favourite type of car and why?’
‘Oh, that’s easy. I like Ferraris. They’re fast, sleek and they turn the ladies’ heads.’
‘OK, thanks for that, and finally,’ I could almost hear Ryan quivering at the control desk as he waited for my own final unrehearsed question. ‘Finally Colin, what is your star sign?’
‘I’m a Scorpio.’
Dirk jumped over to the next table. ‘OK, move on Amy and remember...’ He looked out at the audience and said even more cheesily than before: ‘Ask those questions and test those reactions.’
I waited for Ryan to plant the next question in my ear as I had totally forgotten them all by now. ‘Farm animal, Amy, farm animal.’
Andy was sat opposite me. He too was a nerd. Where on earth had they picked these contestants from? I thought.
‘Andy, nice to meet you.’ I was beginning to play up my part now.
‘Get on with it, Amy.’ Ryan nagged from his post. I made a face as if to tell him to shut up. ‘If you were a farm animal, Adam, what animal would you be?’
‘Oh, that’s easy. I would have to be an elephant, as they never forget anything and I would hate to forget anything as beautiful as you.’
I started to laugh; the audience started to laugh. I thought Andy was going to cry. I then felt sorry for him and whispered, ‘I said a farm animal.’
But poor Andy was so flustered by then he couldn’t think of a single farm animal.
‘Just go the last question,’ shrieked Ryan in my ear, realising that Andy wasn’t the sharpest tack in the box.
‘Andy, it’s OK. I’m not an animal lover anyway.’
Everyone shrieked with laughter again.
‘Brilliant.’ Ryan laughed in my ear.
‘Finally, what’s your star sign?’
‘An easy one at last,’ Andy replied thankfully. ‘I’m a Jupiter.’
I was extremely relieved to get to the final contestant. His name was Nick and he was actually the best of a bad lot. He had a shaven head but the most piercing blue eyes and perfect teeth. The sea creature he would be was a dolphin, his favourite colour was blue and he was a Cancerian.’
Dirk seemed reliev
ed that it was nearing the end of the show as well. He guided me back to the sofa where he had introduced me.
‘So, Amy, you’ve seen them, you’ve asked the questions and gauged the reactions, ha, ha ha. The audience are on the edge of their seats now, so just who is the lucky man who will be dining with you tonight?’
I looked out at the audience, who were calling out different names and caught Liv’s eye. She was mouthing ‘Nick’ to me. I was now beginning to enjoy myself.
‘Well, Dirk, they’re all pretty sexy, aren’t they, but it’s just got to be Nick.’
I had picked a Cancerian, when there was a Scorpio on offer. Poor Colin really was that atrocious. Mind you, we fish were also supposed to be compatible with crabs so I would remain open-minded on this one.
Rapturous applause followed. A beaming Nick came and sat next to me on the sofa. Dirk asked him, ‘So Nick, you lucky boy, what do you think of your date for this evening?’
‘She’s OK.’
Bloody OK? I thought. Not gorgeous, attractive, a complete babe but just, ‘She’s OK.’
We were then sent off holding hands, smiling and had, as rehearsed, to wave back at the audience, looking like we really wanted to be together.
As soon as we got out of camera shot Nick looked at me and said, ‘Thank God that’s over. Cheers for picking me.’
I was actually physically shaking; I didn’t realise quite what an ordeal it would be. Nick seemed quite nice but he so wasn’t someone I would usually go out with. I wasn’t really into bald.
Suddenly the gang appeared, they all jumped on me, congratulating me and laughing at what an idiot Andy had been. Liv whispered that I’d definitely made the right choice. Ryan also appeared and gave me a pat on the back.
‘Well done, Amy, very amusing. No time to relax though. I’ll introduce you to the crew going with you to the restaurant and we’ll send you on your way.’
‘Hiya.’ Felix minced over to us. ‘I’m coming with you, sweeties.’ He then looked at Nick and said, ‘I can touch you both up in the toilets.’
Nick and I travelled alone in the taxi to the restaurant.
‘Look, Amy I’m sure you’re a really nice girl and everything, but I’m not looking for love, just a break. I’m an actor and hoped this show might be a foot in the door for something else.’