The Extremely Epic Viking Tale of Yondersaay

by Aoife Lennon-Ritchie

  “The woman regained her balance as soon as the wave passed. She stood up and made a most elegant dive into the water. She powered down beneath the waves forming above her head. Darting after Dudo as he drifted deeper and deeper, she grabbed his hand. She surfaced, hauling King Dudo behind her with all her might, and swam toward shore. She got him onto the sandy beach and dragged him as far from the water’s edge as she could. She looked quickly around, jumped back into the water, and swam away.”

  “Wow.”

  “Wow indeed, Ruairi,” Granny said. “King Dudo woke up on a crisp, clear morning in a strange bed. He made to rise but felt a searing pain in his head. A wooziness came over him, and he half lay, half sat, propped up on the softest, plumpest, most luxurious duck down pillows he had ever felt. Though, of course, King Dudo didn’t know them as ‘pillows.’ They were called downdles back then. Pillows were not invented yet. As you know, pillows were invented in 1427 in a small hospital town in the south of France by a pioneering Polish surgeon called Docteur Tchopemov.

  “Docteur Tchopemov had specialized in amputations, like most respectable physicians in Europe at the time—”

  “Um, Granny?” Dani said, twiddling her thumbs.

  “Yes, Dani?” Granny smiled benignly at Dani.

  “I’m sure the story of Docteur Tchopemov is utterly fascinating, I really am. I’m positive, in fact, but do you think you should tell us now?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Maybe,” Ruairi said, tentatively, “you could tell us about Dudo first of all and come back to the story about how pillows were invented later?”

  “Well,” Granny said, pondering this, “it’s not a vital part of the story, I will grant you that. But, actually, now that you stop me a moment, I think I would rather like to have a wee rest before we land on Yondersaay, if you don’t mind. I’m pooped.” And Granny pinned up her tray table and pressed the button on the armrest that made her chair swing back almost flat.

  “But, Granny! What about the rest of the story?” Dani said.

  “What about King Dudo and the woman who turned into a bear?” Ruairi said.

  “Ursula?” Granny asked from a fully reclined position. She let out a big yawn. “But I’ve already told you about all of that, no?”

  Dani and Ruairi shook their heads.

  “It’s been a very long day,” Granny said. “And we’ll be there before you know it. A quick rest and Robert’s your mother’s brother.” Ruairi looked puzzled. “Bob’s your uncle!” Granny clarified.

  “But, Granny,” Dani said. “We can’t leave it! The suspense will kill us.”

  “And Mum’s brother is called Tony,” Ruairi muttered as Mum grinned.

  “Forget it,” Dani said. “We’ll have to wait. She’s already asleep. Listen.”

  Granny let out a nasal snore that sounded half like a rocket taking off and half like a kitten purring.

  “Try to get some sleep, my darlings,” Mum said. “Granny’s right. It has been a long day. We’ll be on Yondersaay very soon now.”

  Landing on Yondersaay

  Ruairi didn’t remember falling asleep.

  “It’s time to wake up now, folks,” Granny said as she roused him. “We’re here. We’re finally here on Yondersaay.”

  Ruairi woke up and looked around him. Dani was waking up too.

  “You know,” Granny said as she wrapped her scarf around and around her neck, “not very many people have ever been to Yondersaay. If they have, they always tell me they fell asleep on the plane and forgot how long they were in the air. They look back out the window to see the cliffs at the top of the country they’re flying from, the sea splashes up, and they fall asleep. Strange, no? And,” she continued, “no ordinary people ever come to Yondersaay. Only people who are invited.”

  “Were we invited?” Ruairi asked. “I don’t remember being invited. You just told us we were going!”

  “Well, you’re Yondersaanian, and you’ve been here about a hundred times.”

  “Nine,” Mum corrected. “Nine or ten. And you were in my tummy the first time, both of you. Though of course not at the same time.”

  “That would be weird!” Ruairi said.

  “Not for twins!” Dani said.

  “You’re sort of twins, though, aren’t you?” Granny said winking at them. “You’re Irish twins—born less than a year apart.”

  “But more special even than Irish twins.” Dani said, grinning at her little brother. “Born less than a year apart—”

  “—and within the same year,” Ruairi finished, grinning back at his sister.

  “And of course, we’re not Irish.”

  “Oi!” Mum said. “You’re half Irish.”

  “Yeah, but we do our best to keep that quiet,” Dani said as she dodged the glove Mum threw at her.

  “I can’t wait for my birthday next week!” Ruairi said. “Because then I’ll be the same age as you! And you won’t be able to boss me around.”

  “Only for three days. Then it’ll be the new year and my birthday!” Dani said. “And then I can boss you all I like. Like now!”

  “I’d like to see you try!”

  The Millers’ plane was the only one at the landing strip. The plug door opened, and a powerful blast of icy wind sent a ripple of shivers, like a Mexican wave, down the plane among the passengers. Ruairi was quickly reminded, as if he could have forgotten, it was cold on Yondersaay at Christmastime. He and his family dressed up warm for the two-minute walk down the steps of the plane at the end of the runway into the tiny terminal building. Ruairi loved the crunch his boots made on the layers of snow on the ground, and he loved the way the soft flakes of snow landed on his face and melted into mush. The first thing Ruairi always noticed was that there were no trees in any direction, unlike at home where there were massive big trees all down the street. But he always forgot when he was back at home again, so noticing the lack of trees every time he came to Yondersaay was always a bit of a surprise for him. As far as he knew, there were only three or four trees on the entire island.

  When the Millers got inside the terminal building, their bags were already there waiting for them. The terminal building was just one big room—one departures desk, one baggage carousel, one café, one lost luggage hatch. The baggage carousel didn’t move at all. Ruairi could see this disappointed Dani. She was itching to jump on and have a go on it when no one was looking, like last time.

  Ruairi looked about the hall for super speedy baggage handlers, but all he could see were a few really, really old people dotted about the place in plastic chairs or on wooden benches looking like they had been dropped off en masse at naptime. They all knew Granny Miller. They waved or smiled or raised their hats, and Granny waved back.

  Ruairi noticed the guy manning the cafe wasn’t ridiculously old. In fact, he wasn’t old at all. Nor was the man in the lost luggage booth. He looked at the dude behind the bar and back to the man in the lost luggage booth, and back again.

  They seemed to be the same person. The man handing out “Visit Yondersaay” leaflets—pointless exercise Ruairi thought since they were already there, visiting Yondersaay—was also identical, as was the man filling the vending machines, and the man outside brushing the new snow from the pathway. Granny could see him looking at them.

  “They’re the five twins.”

  “What?” Ruairi said.

  “The five twins.”

  “Twins come in twos, Granny,” Dani said.

  “Nonsense! Well, maybe they do, but not here, not these twins. Five of them came at once.” She walked on before Dani had a chance to object.

  The Millers collected their bags, showed their passports to the man in the uniform, and walked outside into the snow to find their car.

  “Hello, Morag,” Granny said to the twin clearing the snow from the path.

  “Hello there, Mrs. Miller,” Morag said in a very squeaky voice. Dani raised her eyebrows at Ruairi.
>
  By the time the rented mauve car turned into the driveway of Granny’s cottage in Yondersaay Village, it was already dark. The Millers were so tired they could hardly remember how long they had been traveling. It seemed like weeks.

  Dani went upstairs to unpack everyone’s pajamas while Ruairi helped Mum in the kitchen. Prepared, as always, Mum had brought the essentials and made a quick dinner to tide everyone over. Remembering that on Yondersaay dinner is called “tea,” she fried omelettes and grilled and buttered toast while Granny chopped wood for the fire.

  After tea, Ruairi nudged Dani, and she said as casually as she could, “I think the Roo-ster and I should be allowed to stay up late tonight, Mum. There’s absolutely no way we could possibly get to sleep.”

  “No way at all,” Ruairi said, stifling a yawn.

  “Darlings, we’re all exhausted. It has been a long day. Now go upstairs and get ready for bed.”

  “But, Mum—”

  “That’s enough now. You’ll thank me tomorrow. You’ll have so much energy you’ll be able to run all over the island and do everything you want to do. I’ll be up in a minute to kiss you good night. And, Ruairi, I will be checking your teeth.”

  Ruairi and Dani looked to Granny Miller for an intervention, but she was already dozing on the sofa and was no use at all. They trudged upstairs and started to get ready for bed, Mum following close behind.

  Ruairi had just rubbed some toothpaste on the front ones so it smelled like he’d brushed his teeth, but when she leaned down to kiss him, Mum did not make him go brush his teeth properly. Instead, she cuddled him and Dani close. Mum didn’t go to bed. Ruairi heard her go back downstairs, light the fire, and make herself comfortable on the squeaky sofa with the loose springs. But soon, everything went quiet.

  Granny was asleep in her bed. Mum was asleep in front of the fire. But no one was asleep in Dani’s bed, nor in Ruairi’s bed. In fact, there was no one awake in their beds either. Because while Mum was downstairs drifting off and Granny was in her bedroom tucking her hair into her lacy nightcap and sliding her comfortable slippers under her bed, Dani and Ruairi were putting on clothes and coats and hats and scarves and wellies over their pajamas and climbing out of their window and onto the roof of the garage.

  “If Mum thinks we could fall asleep now, she’s mad!” Dani said to Ruairi as they shimmied down the rose trellis on the side of the garage that faced away from the road.

  “I know,” said Ruairi as Dani jumped over him and landed on the ground with a soft tumble. “We only just got here, and it’s not even that late.” They looked up at the sky—it was pitch-black. They looked around—the lights were off in all of the houses on Gargle View Avenue. Everywhere was quiet except for a solitary owl toowit-toowooing softly some way off.

  “I think it probably is quite late, Ruairi.”

  “Yeah, but not that late.” He shrugged. “Okay, what’s the plan? Where to?”

  “Let’s see if any dead bodies have washed up on the shore. Murdered bodies wash up here all the time. They float in from all over,” Dani said, frightening Ruairi more than a little. They vaulted over the garden wall, hunched down, and padded as quickly and as quietly as they could in the direction of the harbor.

  “Or we could skim stones across the River Gargle,” Ruairi said quickly. “There will most likely be people at the harbor, fishermen and suchlike. We might be seen at the shore.”

  “Good thinking, Ruairi. Mum would have a conniption fit if she found out we’d been walking around on our own after dark.”

  Ruairi gave a sigh of relief.

  “Besides,” Dani said, “murdered bodies are just as likely to wash up near the mouth of the River Gargle as they are in the harbor.” She turned on down the road. Ruairi could tell she was smiling to herself. He was about to suggest going to the Crimson Forest instead, but he remembered just in time that it was haunted. He caught up with Dani and stayed close. They stole up the High Street to the crest of the hill and broke away from the village, turning right before the path to the Crimson Forest. All the time, Ruairi was sticking as close to Dani as he could manage, while simultaneously trying to dawdle and slow her down, and distract her, and veer her off course. He tried to think of ways to convince Dani that finding a bloody, oozing, murdered body would not be cool, and that finding dead things should not be their aim, but he knew he was fighting a losing battle.

  The river swerved at the very bottom of the mountain where it took a jump and crashed straight down, transforming into a waterfall for a moment, splashing into a wide, deep whirlpool, eventually flattening out, becoming a river again, and opening out to meet the sea.

  “Dans?” Ruairi said.

  “Yip?” Dani soldiered on at speed through the soft snow.

  “Are they getting divorced?” He kicked some stones with his shoe.

  Dani stopped walking and hung back until she was level with her brother. She flung her arm over his shoulder. “Come on,” she said, pulling him on. She waited a moment, “I didn’t think so before today.”

  “And now?” Ruairi looked up at her.

  “She really wanted him to come with us.” She thought for a minute again. “And he said he wanted to come but couldn’t because of work. That’s something, right?”

  “It is?” Ruairi said as they came up on the whirlpool.

  “I think we should be more worried when they don’t fight, Ruairi. When they’re both okay that he can’t come with us.”

  “I suppo—” Ruairi heard a noise that made him stop in his tracks. He grabbed Dani’s arm and pulled her down to a crouch.

  “I think there’s somebody there,” Dani whispered.

  Ruairi was petrified. “A murdered body?”

  “Don’t be silly. Murdered bodies are dead bodies—they don’t make noise. Let’s go closer and see who it is.”

  “Or we could go back? Maybe we should go back; I think we should go back,” Ruairi shot out, rapid-fire. Dani was already moving closer. She got down on all fours and crawled to the edge of the river. She could see all around the pool from there.

  “Look, can you see that?” she said to Ruairi when he joined her. It was very dark, and they were far away from the few lights that were still on in the village. After a second or two of looking hard, Ruairi could make out two dark shapes on the other side of the water.

  One was a massive, hulking man, slowly weaving up and down the pool banks with what looked like an upright vacuum cleaner. Closer to the edge was another man. He was dreadfully thin, and perhaps it was the way he was standing, but he was uncommonly crooked-looking and a bit stooped. He had a very pointy nose and a very pointy chin, and he watched while the massive person heaved himself backward and forward waving his vacuum cleaner from side to side. A voice came from farther back, and Dani and Ruairi saw two more people.

  “With all due respect, it’s past two a.m., and we’ve been looking for a solid year now. I think it’s time to call it a night,” one of the two men said.

  “It must be a metal detector. They’re looking for something,” Dani whispered to Ruairi.

  “But why are they looking now? They’ll never find anything in the dark.”

  “I don’t know.”

  The pointy man turned to face the man who spoke; he addressed him sharply. “Enough! I know it is here somewhere. I can feel it. The proximity of it simmers the marrow of my bones. We will continue our search here until daybreak, and tomorrow we will go back through the Crimson Forest one more time and we’ll comb through every branch, every leaf, literally every—”

  “Shh!”

  He was interrupted by the huge man with the metal detector.

  “Shh!” the massive man said again and took a step toward the edge of the pool. He looked through the darkness across the river toward the spot on the ground where Dani and Ruairi lay. “What’s that?” He pointed in their direction.

  Dani and Ruairi looked at each other accusingly.

&nb
sp; “I didn’t say anything,” Ruairi said.

  “Well neither did I!”

  “There’s something glowing,” the man said. The other three came close to the edge to have a look.

  Dani and Ruairi slowly looked down at themselves, and they saw, all along the bottoms of their jackets and all around the necks and around the cuffs and even in places on their hats and scarves—a glow in the dark.

  “Mum!” they whispered together.

  Ruairi and Dani scrambled as fast as they could out of sight of the men and ducked behind a boulder.

  “I don’t see anything,” the crooked man said.

  “It moved!” the big man called.

  Mum, who was terrified of anything bad happening to her children, had sewn yards and yards of fluorescent, glow-in-the-dark tape onto every visible inch of their clothing.

  As soon as they were out of sight, Dani and Ruairi took off their jackets and turned them inside out. They turned their hats inside out and tucked their scarves well inside the tops of their coats. They gave each other the once-over, and when they were sure there was no more reflective material visible, they signaled to each other and got ready to make a run for it.

  “When did she manage to do all this?” Ruairi said. “Granny only gave us our new winter coats this morning!”

  “She must have sewn it on in the plane while we were sleeping,” Dani said.

  “Sometimes that woman goes too far.”

  “There’s definitely something there,” the big man said. “I’m going to take a look.” He started toward the bridge.

  That was all Dani and Ruairi needed to hear. They bolted out from behind the boulder and ran as fast as they could toward the village and home, never once looking back.

  Almost out of breath, they ran down the hill, right in the middle of the High Street, not caring if they made noise now, and onto Gargle View Avenue. The wind was picking up, and the snow was really starting to come down. Taking care not to slip on the fresh snow, they jumped over the garden wall and climbed up the rose trellis on the side of the garage. They tumbled through the open window, undressed, and got into bed as quickly as they possibly could.