The Queen’s Code

by Alison A Armstrong

  She smiled, “Every time a light bulb went on for them. When they were able to see past their own paradigm. That was exhilarating.”

  She perked up, “They were each courageous at times. Our granddaughter is generally more eager to let go of the old ways of thinking. Karen has to work at it; she has many years of resentment towards Mike.”

  “Resentment?” Burt asked.

  “When women cannot get what they need — no matter how they change themselves — it hurts, deeply. They react to hurt with anger. If the hurt is not healed, the anger ages into resentment. Accumulated resentment makes a woman bitter.”

  “How come you've never been bitter?” he marveled aloud.

  “Because I am not hurt often, since I know what not to take personally. And when I am hurt, I speak up and I can be healed. Tonight, Kimberlee said something that cut me to the quick. After I said ‘Ouch’ she apologized. And I was fine again.”

  She added. “We assume people know when they have hurt us and that they do not care enough to heal us. More often, folks are unaware of what they have done. If we know that, we can be responsible for getting what we need before the anger builds up and the process of creating bitterness progresses.”

  Burt nodded; it was perfectly clear. Her explanation, and why he had an excellent life. When she was hurt by him, which was rare, she let him know immediately. He was glad for the opportunity to make it right. And since she wanted to be healed, instead of punish him for the hurt, making it right was usually a simple, “I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.”

  He loved hearing about her challenges and triumphs. “Did you accomplish everything you wanted to tonight?”

  “Yes, and no,” Claudia replied. “They saw the source of the conviction that men are misbehaving. And the downward spiral that inevitably leads to damaged self-esteem. But they were terribly distressed and I had to stop before the good part.”

  “What's the good part?”

  “The good part is: If men are not misbehaving, then what are they doing? The fun comes from asking a question my family has been exploring for years: ‘What if there is a good reason for everything men do?’”

  “When will you start the young ladies on that?”

  Claudia pursed her lips in thought and Burt wanted to stroke her soft cheeks. “Hopefully when we get together on Saturday. It depends on how Karen is handling what we did tonight.”

  “How will you know if she's ready?”

  “If she has grown tired of punishing Mike and wants a new approach,” Claudia said.

  KIMBERLEE drove home with her thoughts swimming. She was both afraid and excited, once again. Afraid because the foundation of her life had been irrevocably pulled out from under her. Excited because, she suddenly realized, she trusted her grandmother to help her build something better.

  Hmm, trust. That's not something I experience often, she mused. But men can't be trusted ….

  Or can they? She considered that as she enjoyed expertly negotiating the curves of Highway 110. By the time she reached the interchange, she'd arrived at Huh—they can't be trusted to act like women, that's for sure. Maybe that's the problem: I've trusted them to be what they can't be. And I blame them for disappointing me.

  Later, pulling into the garage of her condo, she thought about her father. If he hasn't stayed away because there's something wrong with me, what's the real reason?

  KAREN looked for a way to delay her return. I can't go home this way, she thought. I'm too emotional.

  After Claudia and Kimberlee drove away, she returned to the coffee shop and decided to review and organize her notes. Shifting to the mental, as she thought of it, always helped her avoid feelings she didn't know how to handle.

  Automatically looking from the point of view of teaching the material to women, she assumed she'd have a flip chart rather than a blackboard. She created an imaginary display in her best teacher-script.

  Compared to the Perfect Person

  … Men are misbehaving

  Why?

  Because they don't LOVE me, RESPECT me or CARE ENOUGH about me

  … To behave like the Perfect Person

  Why?

  Because there's something wrong with me.

  - Something I am TOO MUCH or TOO LITTLE of

  (that I think prevents them from loving, respecting and caring).

  How do I know?

  By comparing MYSELF to the Perfect Person.

  Formatting the scenario this way, she thought, The Perfect Person sure gets us coming and going. What a crazy-maker!

  She wondered where the Perfect Person came from. And is there only one Perfect Person? She could see that her Perfect Person evolved as she learned, grew and changed. Except everything Karen learned, the Perfect Person implemented, well, perfectly.

  She saw that her mother had a different idea of the Perfect Person. How many fights with Mom are really between our Perfect Persons? Because I don't fit her concept and she doesn't fit mine? Heck, I don't even fit mine. Oh … which is why I don't like myself most of the time!

  Is that the point Claudia was making? That compared to the Perfect Person, both men AND women can never win?

  But she still struggled to apply this to Mike and the issue she had with him neglecting the trash and leaving the garage door open. He didn't seem to be misbehaving, “compared to the Perfect Person.” He misbehaved as compared to a plain old, decent, considerate, and safety-conscious person. I refuse to believe that standard is unreasonable!

  KIMBERLEE was thinking of one of her favorite movies. I should have taken the other pill.

  I can never remember, though, was it the red pill or the blue pill that freed Neo from the Matrix? The idea that much of life is an illusion we can choose to break out of, fascinated her. She usually couldn't relate to the character who wanted to return to his perfect but unreal life, but now she did.

  In just one day, she'd seen the Perfect Person everywhere. From my eyebrows are too straight, to the guys at the office are hideously disorganized, to how Melissa is way-over-the-top anal about entertaining Scott's friends, she caught the thoughts over and over again. Too straight compared to what? Disorganized compared to what? Anal compared to what? The Perfect Person, of course!

  A word she'd forgotten to write on her list about men was “judgmental.” It was one of her least favorite qualities and something she thought men were way more than women. Now she wasn't sure. She judged everything with a pulse against the Perfect Person. What standard do men hold people to? I'll have to ask Claudia.

  She noticed she had thought “Claudia” instead of “Grandmother.” It felt strange. There were decades of history tied up in the family title. Good and not-so-good. Regarding her as “Claudia” forced her to look at the elderly woman with new eyes.

  Kind of like what I'm doing with men, she thought. She felt overwhelmed, like how she'd felt as a kid trying to figure out how Santa got around the world in only one night. Her head was spinning.

  Her attempt to console herself with Lancelot, a spoonful of peanut butter, and a movie wasn't working. She was happy for a change of pace when Karen called her.

  Karen said cheerfully, “I was so upset, I called Claudia tonight. We had an interesting conversation and she asked me to pass it on to you. That is, unless you're having enough fun noodling on the Perfect Person.”

  “I'd be grateful for something else,” Kimberlee replied. “I'm about to strangle the Perfect Person. And I'm already sick of women punishing men. I'm afraid I'll throw up on the next one I see doing it.”

  Karen laughed. “I know what you mean. I used to think women were the gentler sex. Now I'm questioning everything.” She added, her tone harsh, “And forget being a Perfect Person. I'd settle for being a good person. I used to think I was nice, but I rarely miss an opportunity to punish Mike.”

  Kimberlee was taken aback at how thoroughly Karen condemned herself. “Uh, we don't know each other well … but … doesn't that fall under the requirement of don't beat
yourself up?”

  There was silence on the other end of the phone. After a few uncomfortable moments, she heard, “You're right, Kim. I'm beating myself up for something I could not have seen before. Thanks.”

  “Hey, you're welcome,” she said, and threw in to make Karen feel better, “I hope you'll do the same for me.”

  Another awkward moment. Karen replied, “Um, about that; could we agree to it? To support each other? You know, well, it's like … we're the only two of our kind.”

  Although it made her feel exposed, Kimberlee could see the sense in what Karen was asking. “Okay, let's. We'll help each other fulfill Claudia's requirements.”

  Karen sounded relieved. “Good. We have a deal. Now, shall I tell you what we talked about?”

  “Do I need my notepad?” She disentangled herself from the big tabby cat and moved towards her desk.

  “Yes, that's a good idea. I'm going to give you a question to ask and tell you how to listen to men. It's worth writing down because it's completely unnatural.”

  Kimberlee settled back in, pad ready. “Okay, shoot.”

  “If you think about it, this is a logical next step in the conversation we began last night. If men are not truly misbehaving, but seem that way compared to the female-based Perfect Person, why do they do what they do? Or more precisely, ‘What if there is a good reason for everything men do?’”

  “That's the question I'm supposed to ask? Do I ask myself or men?”

  Karen clarified, “Actually, Claudia suggested we do both, but this way every time a man does something that seems like misbehavior, ask yourself, ‘What if there's a good reason for that?’ Asking that question should have two effects. One, it could interrupt the impulse to punish them. And two, it's the beginning of studying men. Claudia wants us to start doing research.”

  “How do we do that?” Kimberlee asked, distressed at the prospect.

  “Well, according to Claudia, first try and figure out the good reason on your own. When you think you have, see if the man agrees with your conclusion. If you can't guess why he'd do that, ask the man directly.”

  Kimberlee's hand went to her clenching stomach. “But won't that tick them off? In my experience, men hate to be questioned about their actions.”

  “That's where learning to listen to men comes in. It's part of what Claudia calls ‘being safe to talk to.’ Listening well begins with how you ask the question. For example, what's normal is for a woman to demand, ‘Why'd you do that?’” Karen mimicked an accusatory tone.

  “Yeah. I've done that plenty of times,” Kimberlee said.

  “Me too. It makes sense why they'd get defensive, right? Because the question is an attack. But last year Claudia taught me another way to ask. If you start by assuming they have a good reason, it changes everything.”

  “Okay. Go on.”

  “Say something like, ‘I assume you have a good reason for everything you do.’”

  Karen added, “I think ‘assume’ is a good word because it's pretty honest. We might not believe it yet, but we're ‘assuming’ because Claudia said it and she clearly knows something we don't.”

  “I'll second that,” Kimberlee said.

  Karen continued, “Then say, ‘I'm trying to understand better. Would you be willing to tell me why you did such-and-such that way?’” This time Karen's tone was calm and polite.

  “Hold up a second. I'm writing.” Kimberlee scribbled rapidly. “And then what do I do?”

  Karen responded, “Before I tell you what to do, let me demonstrate what not to do. I'll show you how women normally listen and what happens to men.”

  “Sure. We're better listeners than men, though. Right?”

  “You might not think so after you hear this.”

  Kimberlee's curiosity was piqued. “Okay, fill me in.”

  “Well,” Karen said, “what often happens is a woman will ask a man a question. When he doesn't respond immediately, she assumes he didn't understand the question, and she rephrases it. When he doesn't respond to the new question immediately, she assumes that he's too stupid for something open-ended and must need a multiple choice question, which she provides. She doesn't get a reply to that either and by that time he's visibly irritated and she doesn't understand why.”

  Kimberlee chuckled. Karen had described the most common scenario she had with all men.

  “But why, Karen? Why can't men just answer the damn question?”

  “I'll tell you but first you have dial back to, ‘What if there is a good reason for everything men do?’ Because there's a good reason for this but it will blow your mind.”

  Kimberlee took a deep breath. She saw how easy it was to slip back into “Compared to the Perfect Person.” Looking from there, how men handled her questions could only be a flagrant misbehavior that reflected on their love and respect for her. Down that road she would be doomed again.

  “Okay, I'm back from the edge. Tell me.” Kimberlee pulled Lancelot close and rubbed his belly. He purred with pleasure.

  “I have to start with something Claudia told me last year: Most men don't think as most women do. Most men have ‘Single Focus.’ It means their brains are wired to pay attention to one thing at a time. I don't know why but I'm sure Claudia would say there's a good reason for that too,” Karen said.

  “Hang on. That was a heap to take in. Give me a second.” Karen's statement had given Kimberlee more questions than answers. She wrote it all down for later digestion.

  “Okay, Single Focus. And what does that have to do with answering questions?”

  “Being Single Focused means men do one thing at a time — committed. They put all their attention on that one thing,” Karen said. “When a woman asks a question — if he's listening to her and not already focused on something else, which is a separate issue — he commits himself to answering that question. He takes it seriously. He goes hunting for the best answer to her question. That takes time. The rephrased question interrupts his search for the answer to the original question. Now he's got to give up his commitment to the first and commit to the new one. That takes time too. While he's doing that, she starts on multiple choice.”

  Karen was clearly warming to the subject. “By then he's been interrupted at least twice, which is aggravating to his Single Focused way of thinking. Plus, her multiple choice options usually come from her world, not his, and are therefore way off the mark.” Karen finished with a flourish, “That makes him think he's got no chance at this, she doesn't really care what he thinks, and he gives up altogether!”

  Kimberlee sat stunned. Not merely a light bulb; the whole stadium had lit up in her head. It seems impossible but it makes such sense. The looks on their faces; how upset they get. Why didn't anyone tell me this before?

  “Wow.”

  “I know,” Karen replied. “This is one of those things that seems one way and is another entirely,” she paraphrased Claudia.

  “I always thought men were being stubborn about having things put to them exactly so,” Kimberlee volunteered.

  “Yeah, Claudia has said that many behaviors that come from being Single Focused make men appear stubborn. We've only scratched the surface.”

  “Will she teach us more about that?” Kimberlee asked.

  “I don't know. She hasn't revealed her agenda to me.”

  “Okay. If all you said is true — and though it's confounding, I think it is — how should I listen to a man?”

  Karen responded, “Claudia avoids ‘shoulds,’ but if you want a different result, after you ask your question, you open your mind and listen.”

  “And then what?”

  Karen laughed. “That's it. You just listen. The same thing women say they want from men. But you don't interrupt for anything. It's not a conversation in the way women think of, where you go back and forth, sharing thoughts and ideas and similar experiences. Like we're doing now. With a man, it usually works better to just listen. And when he pauses, you count to twenty or thirty, and wait.”
>
  “Wait?”

  “Yep, just wait. No multitasking meanwhile,” Karen cautioned. “I know, it can be excruciating. But I've found it helps to imagine he's making a trip deep into the vault where he keeps his treasures. They're yours if you can only wait for them. Every time he pauses, wait. Do it over and over again and he'll keep going back for another armload.”

  “Forever?”

  Karen chuckled. “It might seem so. But it won't be. Eventually, the man will say, ‘That's all,’ or ‘I'm done.’”

  “Really? I've never heard a man say that.”

  Karen chuckled again. “Most women haven't. We don't ever wait long enough. Usually men are lucky to get the first layer out before a woman interrupts, redirects, and takes over. It's one of the things that cause women to think men are shallow. We don't realize that we prevent men from saying anything beyond the first sentence, when there might be a whole paragraph. Or a book.”

  Karen seemed sad all of a sudden. “We're the ones skimming the surface and moving on.”

  “You okay?” Kimberlee asked.

  “I will be. Teaching you this reminded me that I need to do it myself. Again. I improved my marriage mostly by listening this way. But I stopped. I got wrapped up in trying to get pregnant and I forgot the most important thing. To listen to Mike. Truly listen.”

  Kimberlee was reminded that regret is a good teacher. She could hear it in Karen's voice.

  After a moment, she asked, “Is there anything else for now? I think I have a lot to practice.”

  “No, that's it, Kim. Thanks for letting me teach you. I've never done this before. I was nervous!”

  “I noticed that in the beginning. How come?”

  Karen replied, “I've asked permission to teach Claudia's material to other women. How well I do with you, I think, is kind of a test.”

  Kimberlee felt more compassion for Karen. “Well, I think you did great. You rattled my brain as much as Claudia does.”

  RAUL finished briefing Kimberlee on the latest corporate developments. He was perplexed, but delighted. In the past, she often was annoyed, or alternately, peppered him with questions.