The Queen’s Code

by Alison A Armstrong

  Kimberlee rubbed her hands together with an anticipatory smile, and Karen picked up her pen in readiness over a blank sheet of paper.

  “Claudia,” Kimberlee interjected, “It's taken us five sessions to get to this point. How long do you think it will take to learn the Language of Heroes?”

  Claudia sipped her tea while she mentally reviewed her plan. She had five different words, each with its own context and particular challenges, plus she had promised to address Mike and Karen's fertility conflict. That particular topic could be addressed after the first word of the Hero Language, if they were on track. But it all depended upon her students.

  “If it were purely a matter of conveying information, we could accomplish what I have in mind in five more sessions,” she replied.

  Karen laughed knowingly. “But it's never merely a matter of giving us the information. Is it? When you taught me the Stages of Development, you anticipated some of the difficulties I would have with the material. It was uncanny. Have you looked into your crystal ball to predict our reactions to the Language of Heroes?”

  Claudia smiled gently, “As you know, I have not a crystal ball. But I am aware of your lives and histories. Based upon that, I would predict that your biggest challenge is going to be allowing men to express their naturally generous, giving natures.”

  “Why would we be against that?” Kimberlee asked.

  “Think about it. If you are going to allow men to be generous … what will you have to become proficient in?”

  Kimberlee blushed, “Oh, dear. I've already encountered that. Ever since I was ‘declawed’ Wednesday night, the men at the office have been competing with each other in a whole new way — to see who can do the most for me. I've discovered I am completely lousy at letting men do anything for me.”

  “Only men?” Claudia inquired. “Is it any easier letting women provide for you?”

  She waited while the young woman thought about her question. The crease between her brows deepened momentarily.

  “Good point,” Kimberlee responded. “I'm lousy at letting anyone take care of me. It doesn't matter whether they're male or female.”

  “Don't feel too bad,” Karen added. “I have as much trouble receiving, even from children. I found that out last year when I couldn't accept potato chips from a second-grader.”

  Claudia resisted the urge to reach out and pat both their hands. Sometimes discomfort was useful. Receiving will be their biggest hurdle, she thought. It will force them to face many of their beliefs about self-sufficiency, independence, worth and power.

  “Learning to allow someone to contribute to you is one of the biggest challenges you will face. I call it ‘receiving’ for short.” Claudia asserted, “As you learn to speak the Language of Heroes, and use the words appropriately, you will have to question many of your assumptions about your value and other people's motivations.”

  She watched them closely as she concluded, “Learning to be a brilliant, gracious receiver, in the face of everything you think it means, will require a series of transformations.”

  Karen's eyes twinkled. “I can tell by the phrase, ‘everything you think it means,’ that we're in for some surprises. This should be interesting.”

  Claudia smiled. “I am glad you're excited by the challenge instead of put off by it. Kimberlee, how about you?”

  Even though this phase of their learning should be less painful than giving up a lifetime of emasculating men, Claudia felt it was necessary to get permission once again. Permission to change her granddaughter's life even more. She waited patiently while Kimberlee considered her question.

  After a few moments, Kimberlee replied, “When I gave up emasculating men, I thought that as I became neutral, instead of combative, they would hopefully do the same.”

  She continued, her voice showing some distress, “Not in a million lifetimes could I have predicted that their attitudes and behaviors would change so dramatically. They haven't become neutral. They've become proactively supportive. How can that be?”

  Claudia's heart sang. Here was her opening. She smiled, “Because at the heart of a man is a Provider.”

  “A provider?” Kimberlee's voice rose an octave.

  “Yes, Kimberlee, a Provider. One who provides. One who furnishes. One who ensures the well-being of others,” Claudia recited by memory from the dictionary.

  Karen looked perplexed.

  “Yes?” Claudia prompted.

  Karen fidgeted. “Um … not to be contrary, but … if men are Providers, how come they do so little?”

  Claudia smiled to herself and pulled the blank piece of paper from the tray. She wrote a few words in large letters. When she was done, she turned the paper around in front of the two women. She waited while they read:

  To a man

  NOTHING

  is worth doing

  Kimberlee looked puzzled. Karen gasped and exclaimed, “It's hopeless. Mike's never going to help with the housework.”

  “Not as long as it is housework, he will not,” Claudia replied seriously.

  “What else could it be?” Karen asked, mystified.

  Claudia smiled at both of them. “To understand what I want to teach you today, you have got to catch yourself thinking from the misconception that men are misbehaving women. They are not. They do not think like us, nor feel like us — and they are not motivated by the same things.”

  “Okay … what are we missing?” Kimberlee asked.

  “Karen spoke to you about men being ‘Single Focused,’ yes?” Claudia asked.

  When both women nodded their heads, Claudia continued. “Did she tell you what they are single focused on?”

  Both women shook their heads. Karen added, “I'm not sure you ever told me. If you did, I don't remember.”

  Claudia smiled, “I may have mentioned it but not to worry either way. This is a topic that cannot be revisited too often.”

  She took a sip of her tea and continued, “The makeup of the masculine brain causes it to focus on one result. It commits itself to the accomplishment of that result, and screens out everything that is irrelevant to that result. This is virtually the opposite of the feminine brain.”

  Claudia paused and Kimberlee jumped in. “How does the feminine brain work? And why are you saying ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ instead of ‘male’ and ‘female?’”

  “I am glad you noticed,” Claudia replied. “I am saying ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ because these characteristics are caused by testosterone and estrogen rather than by gender. While men tend to be more masculine and women more feminine, that is not always the case. Women can be single focused. It may wear them out, though, since they naturally have a fraction of the testosterone men have.”

  “Can you say more about that?” Kimberlee asked.

  “I could,” Claudia said, glancing at Karen, “but Karen would explode!”

  Karen laughed halfheartedly. “You're right, Claudia. Even though I would love to know more about that, I'm desperately in need of an answer to my original concern.”

  Claudia patted her hand. “And you will have it my dear. Today.” She resumed, “The point for now is that estrogen creates a different configuration in the brain. This configuration causes what we call ‘Diffuse Awareness.’ I said it was virtually the opposite of ‘single focus’ because the feminine brain does not focus at all. Rather, the feminine consciousness is spread in every direction.”

  Karen exclaimed, “Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I think I'm getting it ….”

  Claudia savored Karen's enthusiasm. It was breakthrough moments like this that made these sessions fun and fulfilling for her. While these couple of hours felt like an entire day, ultimately they left her tired but satisfied.

  “Yes, Karen?”

  Karen talked excitedly, “I finally put those two together: the single focus on one result — screening out irrelevancies — and the consciousness spread in every direction. Is this why I'm profoundly aware of, and annoyed by, the soc
ks on the floor while Mike steps over them again and again?”

  KIMBERLEE was trying to relate to Karen's experience. If there were stockings on the floor at her condo, she'd left them there. Being kind of a neatnik, that only happened when she was exhausted. Like during the month-end circus to get policies issued. She picked up the messes in her condo the following day, even as she dragged her depleted body around.

  She didn't have a “Mike” at home to apply this to. But she had plenty of men at work to think about. Men with piles and piles of paper on their desks. And worse, papers spread around without any recognizable form of organization.

  And maybe by understanding this, I could help Melissa, she thought.

  She tuned in as Claudia responded to Karen. “Yes, exactly Karen. The socks are irrelevant to whatever Mike has committed himself to. Whatever he is focused on. It takes no effort for him to screen them out. He is not even consciously doing it. His brain takes care of that. The feminine brain, however, is taxed by the effort to screen out socks on the floor, crooked pillows, grungy counters and anything ugly. If a woman has to live in a mess, you will find her engrossed in a book or a movie in order to find some peace.”

  That was not the word Kimberlee expected. “Peace from what?” she asked.

  Claudia chuckled. “Peace from all the racket. Every one of those things is ‘talking’ to her. Demanding that she do something about them. Her awareness makes a disorderly environment ‘loud’ and disruptive. It is why a woman ‘multitasks.’ Because the things in her environment are competing for her attention. Demanding that she attend to them. Literally, nagging her. And not only things. She is aware of the mental, physical and emotional states of all the people around her as well.”

  A light bulb went on for Kimberlee. It wasn't the actual noise that compelled her to close her office door and shut out the world. It was her awareness of the mental and emotional states of the men and women in the processing pit.

  She blurted, “Is that why a frustrated man seems to be yelling at you even when he's silent?”

  Claudia turned to her with a nod. “And why a focused man can be completely unaware of a woman's frustration.”

  Karen almost choked on her coffee. “I thought he was ignoring me!”

  Claudia chuckled, “Almost never my dear. He would have to focus on that and be doing nothing else.”

  Kimberlee's contemplation of that remark was interrupted as Claudia continued. “The point for this discussion is that diffuse awareness makes every task worth doing. Even the smallest thing, like picking up socks, quiets something in her environment. Something that is condemning her for allowing it to exist imperfectly.”

  Karen interjected, “But not for a man! Since his brain screens out everything irrelevant to the result he's focused on, something is only worth doing if it's part of his result. Is that right?”

  “Exactly, again, Karen. Well done. Unless a particular task is required to accomplish the result, it is not worthy of his attention.”

  “Then, how do you have a household task become part of a result for a man?” Karen asked.

  Kimberlee smiled. She admired the older woman's tenacity but pitied her frustration.

  Claudia seemed pleased, though. “You have to recognize the role you play in his results,” she stated plainly.

  “The role I play? You mean, like, reminding him?” Karen asked.

  Claudia shook her head. “No, dear. The role you play is even more important than that. You are the person for whom he most wants to be, and needs to be, a hero. This means you are the center of his results. You are the reason for his results.” Claudia sighed, “Men play for points. And it is your points that he wants the most. Not letting him earn them is yet another way women Frog Farm.”

  Karen shook her head in confusion. “I don't understand,” she said hopelessly.

  “Let me put it this way,” Claudia responded kindly. “Again, men are Providers. They do not care about getting something done for the sake of it being done. That is what I mean by ‘nothing is worth doing.’ Here ….”

  Kimberlee watched as Claudia took back the piece of paper. She wrote on it and turned it around again. Now it said:

  To a man

  NOTHING

  is worth doing

  But Much

  is worth

  PROVIDING

  As they looked at the paper, Claudia explained, “They want to accomplish something for the impact that it has. Specifically, the impact on you. How will this make your life better? Easier? More fun? More satisfying? In other words, what will it ‘Provide?’”

  KAREN flashed back to the interaction she'd had with Mike about taking out the trash. He'd asked, bewildered, “Would that impress you?” She could see now that he was asking if taking out the trash would provide something that mattered to her. Of course it would. She thought that was obvious.

  “Claudia,” said Karen, “If I'm getting this right, you're saying that Mike doesn't remember to take out the trash because to him it's merely a task with no impact. Even with all the times I've asked him, he doesn't know that it matters to me?”

  “Have you ever told him what taking out the trash would provide for you?” Claudia asked.

  Karen thought about it. “Not in so many words, no.”

  “How about in exactly those words?”

  Karen shook her head. “No. I can't remember ever using the word ‘provide.’”

  Suddenly she got it, “That's the first word of the Hero Language!”

  Karen was rewarded with a warm smile and a nod. Claudia looked at both of them intently. “Since providing is at the heart of a man, the word ‘provide’ resonates with who they are at their core. Everything they focus on is in order to provide something for someone. And when they do, to some extent, they become a hero.”

  BURT was engaged in his new favorite pastime: watching the exchange of smiles, nods and looks of consternation that passed between the three women. It had become part of his new Transition Ritual. After he completed one part of his project, he paused to watch the gathering in the garden. Then he focused on the next piece with new inspiration.

  His project required materials he didn't have. He needed to incorporate several metal hinges and fixtures on each item. He knew of a store that specialized in unique hardware. He hoped they had the pieces to make his creations special for the young ladies.

  As he made his way toward the house, he was irresistibly drawn to the garden. You never know when they might need something. Approaching the table, he saw a paper partially covered by Kimberlee's hand. He recognized Claudia's precise writing and read:

  To a man

  NOTHING

  is worth doing

  He smiled and said, “That's for darn sure. We even get together to do nothing.”

  The ladies looked up at him in surprise. Comprehension quickly dawned on Claudia's face and she laughed.

  “What am I missing?” Kimberlee asked.

  Claudia looked up at Burt and winked. “Maybe you should explain, love.”

  Burt thought for a moment. “Men are almost always up to something. We produce one thing and then another. It could be a big deal; it could be a nap. But we've dedicated ourselves to making that one thing happen.”

  He could tell by the nods that the women understood what he was talking about. He happily continued, “When someone asks, ‘What're you doing?’ and the answer is, ‘Nothing,’ it doesn't mean that we're literally doing nothing. That would be impossible. It means that we haven't committed ourselves to a result. We're not having an impact right at that moment. We're not providing anything.”

  Kimberlee's face lit up and Burt's heart skipped a beat. She'd had that impact on him as an inquisitive child. He was happy to see it could still happen.

  “Yes, Kimberlee?” Claudia asked.

  Kimberlee smiled. “Granddad's description of ‘nothing’ reminds me of ‘puttering’ and how I love to do that. It's been too long.”

  “What's put
tering?” Burt asked.

  “Grandmother just taught us about Diffuse Awareness — where the feminine brain notices everything all the time,” Kimberlee began.

  “Good Lord, that must be awful!” Burt exclaimed.

  All three women laughed. “We're used to it,” Kimberlee replied. “But puttering is a kind of vacation from multitasking with a deadline. Instead, I can wander around my condo and do anything that appeals to me.”

  Burt cocked his head to the side. “That must be why your grandmother seems happy when she's puttering around her garden with nothing in particular to accomplish.”

  Claudia smiled at him. “There's that word again: ‘Nothing.’ I think both men and women benefit from doing nothing.”

  Burt grinned. “Like you wrote, ‘Nothing is worth doing!’”

  Kimberlee moved her hand and Burt read the rest:

  But Much

  is worth

  PROVIDING

  Burt rocked back on his feet and his left hand went to his upper chest. He said emphatically, “Everything is worth providing that means something to one of you.”

  All three women were obviously affected by his reaction. He saw Claudia and Kimberlee give Karen meaningful looks. Karen sighed. “Perhaps you could help me with something, Burt.”

  “Of course. What?”

  “I've been trying to get Mike to take out the trash for twenty years. He'll eventually do it but mostly he ‘forgets’ a lot. It drives me crazy. No matter how I nag him, he doesn't do it.” Karen sighed again, “What am I missing here?”

  Burt glanced at Claudia who smiled and nodded encouragement. He looked down at the paper and tapped it. “It's all right here, Karen.”

  “How so?”

  He explained patiently, “To a man, nothing is worth doing. In other words, there is no task worthy of his undivided attention. Which is the only kind of attention he has.”

  He paused and noted they were listening attentively. “A man never does something merely to get it done. It's not how we're made.” He added, “We are result-oriented and impact-oriented. Even if a younger man can't articulate it, it's always about the benefit, the upside, the difference it will make. In other words, what the result will provide for someone we care about.”