The Queen’s Code

by Alison A Armstrong

  Paying attention to what men provided for her drew her mind back to their marriage and forced unwelcome images into her head. Unwelcome because they made him look good and showed her as the one who was lacking. In appreciation, especially. Grudgingly she began writing a list to fulfill Claudia's assignment. She started out with the most obvious things.

  > Mathew generated a stable income

  That provided GOOD FOOD, NICE PLACE, SECURITY

  > Mathew cleaned up after himself (self-sufficient in food, laundry, etc.)

  > FREEDOM, TIME, NO HASSLES/Low EXPECTATIONS

  As she wrote the last sentence, she realized there were two sides of that coin. She'd always complained about his independence as a negative. But it reduced her obligations as well. That made her think about Mathew's seeming indifference and she now saw that in a different light. She wrote:

  > Mathew accepted me as I was

  and sadly added:

  > That provided CALM, SAFETY, FREEDOM

  While she always had a long list of things to change about Mathew, she knew intuitively that he had bought the whole package. He even defended her behavior to others with a simple, “That's the way she is.” She'd never recognized it before as his way of being committed. She'd generated the divorce, not he.

  Wistfully, she wondered if she had known then what she knew now, would it have worked out with Mathew. She wasn't sure. Cannot Frog Farming change who a man is? Or were Mathew and I not right for each other from the beginning? There were too many things I needed, like physical affection, that weren't in his nature to give.

  Although Mathew had accepted her, she never felt that he preferred the way she was. That brought Raul to mind. He gave the impression that he genuinely liked her. Quickly she noted:

  > Raul LIKES me

  > That provides SECURITY, EASE, FUN, COMFORT

  She remembered the other questions Claudia had given them and added:

  > I can be PRODUCTIVE, RELAXED, CREATIVE, MYSELF

  As she looked at the last line, she resolved to never be in a romantic relationship where a man didn't provide at least what her boss gave her.

  With a tingle up her spine, Jack's face presented itself in her mind. Does he like me? she wondered. I don't know, but he thinks I'm beautiful.

  Her mind automatically sought safer territory. I wonder how all this would apply to Melissa? She always notices what Scott fails to provide — as misbehavior. I wonder what would happen if she started paying attention to the opposite? She's too busy being pissed off at him to notice what a great life she has. How many women get to stay home with their kids these days?

  Her thought reminded her that she still had not spoken to Melissa since the big fight with Scott. They'd never gone this long without at least checking in. But she had no idea what to say without getting in trouble for seeming to take Scott's side. And since then she had hung up her sword for good. It's a new world.

  She wanted to help her friend. But she didn't know how to explain how she had changed in such a short time. And, frankly, she didn't want to kill the high she was on from how great things were going with her team at work — and her flirtation with Jack.

  Reaching out cautiously, she carefully composed an email to Melissa.

  Hey M. Been really busy. Thinking about you. How's it going? Love, K

  After hitting “Send,” she noticed the clock and tackled her assignment for a few more minutes. This time thinking about an imaginary future.

  > What would it provide to have my father in my life?

  > CONFIDENCE, SELF-KNOWLEDGE, FAMILY, ANSWERS …

  V. Pumpkin Hours to Desserts

  MELISSA stared at the screen and contemplated Kimberlee's email. She felt hurt and confused and angry. This breach in their friendship could not have come at a worse time.

  Scott had returned home the second morning, just in time to roughhouse with the boys. He interacted with her seldom and in a cold, detached sort of way.

  In turn, she didn't look at him directly. She stared out the window or kept her eyes on her tasks while she responded to him with as few words as possible. In front of the children they both kept up a false cheerfulness by only speaking to them and not each other. No matter that the weather was nice, she was never warm inside or out.

  Is this how it will be from now on? Will we maintain this charade until the kids are grown up? Or give up and become like other families, split in two?

  She admitted to herself that she had crossed a line. But Scott crossed it first, she thought. There was no way she'd apologize when he started it.

  I sound like a child in the schoolyard. Well, dealing with Scott is like dealing with a child. I've been saying that to Kimmee for years.

  Her train of thought had brought her right back to her friend and their predicament. When she and Scott had blowups in the past, she could always find a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. Why did Kimmee have to change? Damn those man-lessons.

  Melissa didn't begrudge Kimberlee's efforts to improve her life. But she hadn't expected them to take her in such an odd direction. There's a good reason for everything Scott does? What kind of nonsense is that?

  She thought about their last conversation. As upset as Melissa had been at the time, she'd still noticed the difference in Kimberlee's reaction. She was calmer, more confident.

  Kimmee hasn't been confident about men ever. Melissa's curiosity was piqued again. What's her grandmother teaching her? Could it get me out of this mess?

  The two friends had always preferred talking to email, which they used rarely and only in times of strain. Reaching back from her side of the gap, she hit “Reply” and typed:

  Hi K – I'm okay. Scott came home the next morning but you could freeze oil when we're in the same room. I don't know how I'll ever forgive him. Keeping up a front for the kids. Would love to see you. Come by sometime next week? Luv, M

  KIMBERLEE drove up the highway Wednesday evening with dread. The moment she had been hoping to avoid was nearly upon her. Within minutes, she would be seated in front of her grandmother, talking about sex. And not only her grandmother.

  Uncharacteristically, her grandmother had called her the night before. She told her that Karen's husband, Mike, would be joining them for their lesson. “Why?” Kimberlee had asked bluntly. I'm rude when I'm tired.

  Claudia replied, “I promised Karen and Mike I would help them with the problems their quest for a child has created in their sex life. Now that we have worked on the first word of the Hero Language, I can keep that promise.”

  “Do I have to be there for that?” Kimberlee asked, trying to sound put out instead of scared. Have mercy, please, she begged silently.

  “We were going to have to cover this topic at some point, Kimberlee,” Claudia answered, with no sign of budging. “A woman cannot understand men, and bring out the best in them, without understanding their relationship to sex.”

  Kimberlee had acquiesced at the time and now experienced her regret in the pit of her stomach. It was bad enough having to discuss this topic among women, challenged all the while to conceal her shame and embarrassment. Having to endure this conversation, in the company of a man whom she'd only met over Thanksgiving dinner, was unimaginable.

  She hoped that Claudia would do most of the talking. If she could manage to sit tight and take notes, she might get through this without revealing her greatest wound and deepest fears.

  KAREN had arranged to meet Mike at Claudia and Burt's house after their yoga class. She was curious and a little anxious to see how incorporating Mike into their session would affect the conversation — and Kimberlee.

  Since discovering that everything Mike did around the house was personal and all about the difference it would make for her, she saw their life with new eyes. Instead of treating everything her diffuse awareness brought to her attention as if it had an inherent good in being accomplished, she looked to see specifically what each task would provide.

  This process had two distinct outcomes
. It caused her to be both more articulate and appreciative with Mike, who was providing everything from trash take-out to furniture rearranging. And, it caused her to leave things undone after she weighed the energy expenditure against the actual — not assumed — benefit. The home management part of her life finally looked bearable.

  About tonight, though, she was both nervous and excited. Nervous because she knew that Mike had been upset about their sex life for quite some time. And excited because she knew the difference Claudia's information had already made in her marriage. On the topic of sex, if Claudia could accomplish a fraction of what she'd done for trash, maybe they could get pregnant — and love sex again.

  She'd waited years for Mike to be “ready” to start a family and only with Claudia's insights* had she been able to understand the source of his reticence. Her newfound compassion had evaporated the resentment she'd felt. Then, shortly before Christmas, Mike announced that they could stop using birth control and try to get pregnant.

  Karen had attacked the baby-making project with all her pent-up maternal instinct and well-developed masculine pursuit of results. She bought all the books and spent hours researching fertility on the Internet. She had ovulation kits and basal thermometers. She'd read Choosing the Sex of Your Baby and was doing everything possible to give Mike a son. This, even though he said he didn't care about the gender.

  She'd interrupted Mike's workday with *Fertile Myrtle* text messages, demanding that he come home and impregnate her. In the beginning it was kind of fun. But after several months with no success, it had become a chore.

  Having read that it took an average of twelve months for women to get pregnant, Karen was giving it a year before she went to see a fertility specialist. She knew that route was expensive and could quickly eat through their savings. Mike said, with a wink, that he was willing to use whatever technology was available but preferred the old-fashioned approach.

  Since she didn't feel comfortable explaining all this to Claudia in front of Kimberlee, Karen laid it out when she called to invite Mike for the session. Her mentor had listened patiently and, typically, said something incomprehensible: “Karen, the problem is that focusing on getting pregnant is redundant and self-defeating.”

  “How can it be redundant? The point is to get pregnant,” Karen replied.

  Claudia had explained matter-of-factly, “Focusing on getting pregnant is redundant because, from the point of view of biology, the point of sex is reproduction. Unless you have a reason to worry about your fertility, focusing on getting pregnant is unnecessary and even harmful. If you focus on having great sex, the sex will take care of getting pregnant. And you will have more fun in the meantime. Couples that focus on getting pregnant often ruin their sex lives and the intimacy that depends upon it.”

  Karen had made Claudia repeat herself, all the while feeling sick to her stomach. That is exactly what had happened to her and Mike. Until recently the distance between them had been growing to chasm-like proportions. The last few weeks’ spontaneity had helped, but how could she fix it entirely?

  “Are you saying we should only have sex when we want to? And not think about whether I'm ovulating or not?” Karen asked, still skeptical.

  “Actually,” Claudia had replied, “I am not saying that either. Having sex when both of you want to is almost always insufficient, even when you are not trying to create a new life. Most couples need to have sex more often than that.”

  “Huh?”

  “Karen, let us save this part for Wednesday night. Kimberlee and Mike need to hear it too.”

  What could she possibly have meant? Karen thought as she pulled up to the house. If you weren't trying to get pregnant, why would you have sex more than you want to?

  KIMBERLEE appreciated the growing darkness as the four of them gathered around the garden table; Mike looked a little strange on an ordinary kitchen chair. She arranged her note pad and pens conspicuously, silently declaring her intention to merely listen and record.

  Mike suddenly blurted, “Karen said that you said we're supposed to have sex more than we want to. I've been doing that for months and, believe me, it's a bummer.”

  He looked lamely at Karen, “Sorry, Darlin’, nothin’ personal. But sperm-on-demand sex is lacking most of the elements I'm looking for in a love life.”

  Claudia smiled at him affectionately. “Let me explain.”

  “Please do!”

  Kimberlee kept her eyes lowered. Claudia began, “What is normal for couples is to have sex when you both want to. That is usually fine in the beginning when sexual tension is high. The tension gets sex started and that is always the most difficult hurdle. But as time goes on, two people wanting sex at the exact same moment, when conditions are favorable and the opportunity exists is like trying to line up the moon and the stars. Especially since sex drives depend greatly upon hormone levels for both men and women.”

  She added assertively, “I believe you cannot leave something as important as your sex life in the hands of something as undependable as your bodies’ cyclical and circumstantial hormones.”

  “Now I'm really confused,” Mike growled. Kimberlee tensed.

  “Let me put it this way, using the word that will make the most sense to you.” Claudia paused. “Mike, do you ever want to take out the trash? Are you ever overcome by a desire to do that?”

  Mike laughed. “No. Never.”

  “Then why do you do it? Besides the obvious that it needs to be done.”

  Mike looked over at Karen. “Well, for years I took out the trash when I remembered because it upset Karen when I didn't. But that changed after what she learned from you last weekend. Now I do it gladly because of what she told me it provides for her.”

  “Exactly!” Claudia grinned. Mike looked puzzled.

  “What exactly?” Karen asked.

  “The modern context we have adopted for sex is one of ‘Wanting’ being the cause of our sex lives,” Claudia said. “This is obviously an improvement over ‘Duty.’ It was certainly a human rights victory when women could legally refuse their husbands whenever they did not ‘want’ to have sex. But wanting to have sex is still too puny. It almost never makes sex happen often enough or reliably enough. Healthy sex lives are too important to a vital union to depend upon sexual desire.”

  “If it's not ‘wanting’ that you think should make sex happen, and it's not duty or my ovulation, what is supposed to get the party started?” Karen asked.

  Mike suddenly beamed. “I know.”

  “Yes, Mike?” Claudia asked, and Kimberlee looked up long enough to notice her eyes twinkling with satisfaction.

  “It's the same as me gladly taking out the trash, even when I don't want to. Because of what it provides. You're saying providing is supposed to cause sex. Right?” He immediately revised himself, “Well, maybe not ‘supposed to,’ but I think you're saying that it would work better if sex was based on ‘providing,’ which is a kind of commitment to your partner, instead of physically ‘wanting.’ Am I right?”

  Claudia smiled at Mike. “You are absolutely right. When you have sex based upon what it will provide for your partner, your attention is now on the benefit to your partner and your union instead of on something as unreliable as physical impulse.”

  Karen looked distressed again. “But Claudia, we were just telling you about how having sex when I was ovulating, instead of when we wanted to, killed our sex life. Won't having sex to ‘provide’ make it as dry and boring? Isn't there a way to get the excitement back? Like we did last year after I learned how to listen to Mike?”

  “I never said we were going to throw out desire altogether,” Claudia replied with a smile. “That is what makes sex juicy and fun. I am recommending you not have it be the source of your sex life. Try thinking of it this way: If you are not waiting for ‘wanting sex’ to cause your sex life, to get the party started as you said, you can consciously cause wanting to spice up a particular sexual encounter. And I am going to show you how to d
o that.”

  Karen sighed. “Oh good. I don't think I can take another six months of this. Mike is a bear when our sex life is off.”

  Claudia smiled, glancing at Mike. “And I am sure he could say you are not such a pleasant person to be around either.”

  Mike coughed into his fist. Karen stuck her tongue out at him playfully. Kimberlee kept her pen moving, watching out of the corner of her eye.

  “This is perfect,” Claudia declared. “Let us start right here. If you are going to have providing be the source of your sex life, it is critical to know what sex provides for your partner. This is the first item of information that every couple must share with each other if they are going to have a delicious sexual partnership.”

  Mike replied, “Isn't it obvious?”

  Kimberlee panicked and looked up as Claudia responded, “You may be surprised. Who wants to go first?”

  Kimberlee saw Karen stiffen. She could feel herself blushing. Oh, please, no, please, please. Mike looked at them both and, it seemed to Kimberlee, decided to come to their rescue.

  “I can go first,” he said. “Should I speak in general or be more explicit?”

  Claudia nodded, “Excellent question, Mike. It would be good for you and Karen to be more explicit when you have a chance to talk about this privately. Specifically, I want you to share with each other what different kinds of sexual experiences provide. Such as the difference between a quickie and a banquet. Between ‘making love’ and ‘having sex.’ And what happens when you include certain activities. For example, plenty of kissing can alter what a particular incidence of sex provides.”

  Kimberlee shifted uncomfortably, ducked her head, and wanted to melt into the darkness. This is gross.