Could I forgive that child for her stupidity? For her simple need for love and acknowledgment from a man? She decided she could. Finally.
Tears fell freely down her face and landed in Lancelot's fur. She blended them into his tabby stripes. His luminous eyes reminded her of Karen. Her honey, gold-brown eyes had ignited from within as she shared with Mike what sex provided for her.
Kimberlee had never known anything close to what Karen described. Sadly she remembered struggling with Mathew to have satisfying sex. Every moment of pleasure was a reminder of shame; suffocating any enjoyment she might have had. This was how sex had become a predicament. She'd often thought relationships would be better off without it. Now she wasn't sure.
As she remembered Claudia explaining sex as a physical expression of a spiritual connection, Kimberlee had a vision. She saw two fields of energy swirling and curling and binding together in a rainbow show of lights and emotion. Suddenly, she wanted to experience that more than anything she'd ever desired. Union: physical, emotional and spiritual connectivity.
She idly replayed Karen's description of what happened when Mike made love to her. She imagined being touched and held and completed like that. It felt beautiful and exciting, warm and safe. In her fantasy, she looked up at the face of her lover, and was startled when he had smiling gray-green eyes.
KAREN settled into a table at the café on Friday after school, to complete her notes from Wednesday night. Her new ritual had been postponed due to more pressing matters. Matters which had continued to press upon her several more times since then.
Mike had found a new hobby. He'd asked her — over breakfast and over dishes, in the car and at the movies — what else did sex provide. They didn't get far because every question instigated a “practice session,” as Mike called it.
She smiled as she realized there were dozens more questions to answer about possible activities and combinations of activities. And therefore, dozens more practice sessions. This intrigued her because a particularly interesting conversation had to do with “frequency.” She was surprised to learn that Mike felt tense and disconnected after two days of not having sex with her. And that more frequent sex had a compound effect of making him feel secure and focused.
Marveling at Claudia's genius in suggesting this assignment, she made herself focus on creating a concise description of the lesson.
•
Wanting to have sex is caused primarily by hormones and sexual tension.
Sexual Tension is a function of unfamiliarity or emotional distance.
•
Men and women both get hurt by thinking wanting is personal.
They feel rejected when their partner doesn't want to.
•
Wanting to have sex is an insufficient basis for a sex life.
Individuals need sex more than wanting will insure.
Unions need sex more than wanting will insure.
•
“Providing” is a more empowering context for a sex life.
Share what sex provides for you, as individuals and as a union.
Being specific is necessary and valuable (and a turn on!).
When Karen was done, she wasn't quite satisfied. It didn't capture the fun, excitement and hope that being Sexual Providers had created for both of them. The past two days had been more pleasurable than their honeymoon. Because we had no idea what we were doing on our honeymoon!
Karen closed up her notepad and finished her iced tea. Contemplating the second installment on sexuality, she wondered what else Claudia had in store for them.
KIMBERLEE had looked for a decent segue for two days, but she couldn't find one. There was no way that processing goals could lead to nonchalantly asking, “Is your best friend available?”
Their meeting was almost over and another weekend would pass without a chance to ask. Hence her surprise, embarrassment, and relief when Raul suddenly blurted out, “Are you seeing anyone?”
Watching the look on his face and recognizing that he was as embarrassed as she, Kimberlee burst out laughing.
“What's funny?” Raul demanded.
She shook her head, still chuckling. “I've been embarrassed to ask if Jack is available and you're as distraught having to ask me.”
“You're interested in Jack?” Raul was visibly taken aback. “I was afraid to ask since I thought you couldn't stand him. Until lately, you've never given him the time of day.”
She shrugged, “My feelings have amended themselves somewhat ….”
Suspiciously, he asked, “Is this another result of the changes you're going through?”
“What changes?” Kimberlee asked, feigning innocence. Is it that obvious?
“What changes?” Raul mimicked and laughed. “Did you think we wouldn't notice?”
“No, really. I-I-I want to know,” she stuttered and shifted uncomfortably in her chair. “I feel different on the inside. And I've been treating my guys better. But I didn't know anyone else could tell.”
Raul laughed again. “The fact that you call them ‘your’ guys is a huge change. A few short weeks ago, they were anonymous drones being buggy-whipped to meet your deadlines.”
He held up his hand before she could protest. “And that was fine with me. Thank goodness your new softer approach is more effective or we'd have a real problem.”
Kimberlee's jaw dropped. He knew I objectified them? And now he can tell I'm not?
Raul added sternly, “I'm delighted but concerned. We're talking about a significant shift here. You used to ball-bust with the best of them. And I admired it, since I was only occasionally on the other end.” He looked at her intently, “What's up? You got my best buddy all flustered and my processing pit in an uproar — with you on the men's side.”
Kimberlee watched as Raul steepled his fingers. That meant he was going to wait for an answer. She might as well be truthful because he wouldn't settle for less.
“Okay,” she began, “I'll tell you. But when I'm done you have to promise either to tell Jack or to not tell Jack. Whichever I want. Deal?”
Raul nodded. “Deal. Although I'd rather you choose not tell Jack. Being the go-between here is a pain in the ass.”
It was Kimberlee's turn to laugh. “I'm sorry. This took me by surprise too.”
Raul smiled then looked at her pointedly. “I'm waiting. I'd like to know what got me in this pickle.”
Kimberlee thought for a moment. Finally, she said, “A few weeks ago, I found out I was a Frog Farmer.”
“A what?”
“A Frog Farmer,” she replied. “A woman who brings out the worst in men — thus turning Princes into Frogs instead of vice versa.”
“Hmmm. I see. Frog Farming. Probably government subsidized. A popular business these days,” Raul nodded.
She laughed. “Yes. Some of us are more successful than others.” With a shrug, she added, “But I retired about ten days ago. Turned in my hatpins and stilettos, as my grandmother would say.”
“What's your grandmother got to do with this?”
Kimberlee smiled, with the strong affection she felt. “My grandmother, or Claudia as I call her to keep my head straight, comes from a long line of women who've studied men to learn how to live in partnership with them.”
She added, “She's been teaching me to see and understand men differently. She's absolutely brilliant.”
“Is she the one who taught you to listen better?”
Kimberlee reddened. Busted. “Yep. Do you like it?”
“Do I like it? Are you kidding? It's amazing. I can finish a sentence. A paragraph. A chapter without being interrupted.” Raul looked hopeful, “Could you teach Sally to listen like that?”
She frowned. “I don't know, Raul. There's more to it than technique. It's an attitude adjustment.”
Raul nodded vigorously. “That's what Jack and I have been talking about. Your attitude adjustment. You're more feminine and yet more potent. Softer but stronger. Gentler but more real. I could g
o on and on. It's fascinating to watch.”
It was almost more than Kimberlee could take. They could see all that?
Shaking his head, Raul added, “Jack is smitten. I hope you know what you've done to my friend. I've never seen him worry about a woman before.”
“I kinda see him in a new light too.”
Raul slapped his desk. “That's exactly what he said. That he'd been seen or something.”
Feeling naked, she retreated to the conceptual. “Claudia has been teaching us to see men as men. Instead of as misbehaving women.”
Raul chuckled. “Misbehaving women? That explains why we're in trouble most of the time!” His head tilted. “But who is ‘us’? Is this a class?”
“No. There are only two of us. Karen is a schoolteacher. She's great. I learn a lot from watching her apply the information to her husband.”
“You're gonna end up with a husband if you're not careful,” he said.
Kimberlee gasped, “Not so fast, okay? I thought we'd start with dinner.”
Raul shook his head. “Mark my words. If it's not Jack, it's gonna be some other lucky guy. Any woman who truly gives up her ‘hatpins and stilettos’ winds up with a man devoted to her.”
KAREN and Mike snuggled together on the couch, thinking location might allow the conversation to get further. What a great problem to have. We keep being interrupted by sex!
“Where do you want to start, Darlin’?” Mike asked.
“Well, we've covered frequency and duration. From quickies to multicourse feasts. I thought we could get into ‘activities’ tonight. Maybe take turns saying what something provides?”
He looked at her, eyes bright. “Okay. You go first. What does me going down on you provide?”
She looked away, embarrassed. “You get right to it, don't you?”
“Yep! That's the idea,” he joked.
She smiled. “Alright. But don't tease. This is a sensitive subject for me. Pun intended.” She giggled nervously.
He laughed and she relaxed, saying, “It's very personal and intimate. But I have to be fresh out of the shower, or else I'm self-conscious and worry that it's yucky down there.”
“I think it's different for every guy,” Mike said seriously, “but you know I don't care, right? Or rather, I do care. I have a primal reaction to your smell and taste. Fresh is nice, but seasoned drives me wild.” He smiled, “Marinated yoni turns me on.”
She shook her head. “You're crazy, you know?”
“About you, I am,” he replied earnestly.
She laughed. “Okay, your turn. What does me doing that to you provide?”
Mike screwed up his face. “That's harder. It feels great but I'd rather be doin’ something. I like giving more than receiving.”
Karen thought about her words carefully. “But what if receiving is providing?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well,” she replied, “you like giving me pleasure that way, right?”
“Duh. Most men do.”
“And what if I didn't let you?” she asked gently.
“I'd be bummed.”
“See?”
“Hmm.” He chewed on his lip. “You're saying that my receiving pleasure from you, provides something for you.”
“You're not the only person who needs to give,” she answered, touching his jaw.
“Well, then, purely for your benefit, I'd be willing to work on that.” He grinned.
She laughed and grabbed him. End of discussion.
CLAUDIA noted the warmth between Mike and Karen and the lack of tension in Mike's shoulders. She thought with an inward smile, Plenty of sex can do that for a man. She was also pleased to see a newly relaxed Kimberlee. She seemed happy and had hugged both Karen and Mike in a warm greeting.
Wasting no time, Claudia set up the lesson: “Now that we've shifted the context of a sex life from ‘wanting’ being the cause to ‘providing’ being the cause, we can talk about various ways to cause wanting.”
“Huh?” Karen squeaked out. “I thought we weren't supposed to worry about wanting.”
“That is correct,” Claudia replied, “as the cause of sex. Because it is unreliable and almost everyone takes it personally and gets hurt. But once sex is about providing for your partner, you can intentionally cause yourself and them to want to have sex. Because sex is more fun when you want to!”
They looked like they couldn't decide between blushing and grinning. She had to smile. It must be odd listening to a septuagenarian talk about sex being fun.
“We can spend all day pretending this is not odd or uncomfortable,” she responded calmly to their expressions. “Obviously it is.”
She waited while they sputtered and looked at each other. Mike stepped into the awkward moment boldly. “Claudia, I have to say that you and Burt are an inspiration in many ways. I would rather be surprised and uncomfortable — and learn about sex from someone who is still doing it after fifty years.”
Claudia grinned, causing a new round of chuckles and the tension eased. She smiled gratefully at Mike. “Thank you, Mike. Burt and I learned a great deal ourselves, but because of my family heritage we have the benefit of twenty-five generations of dedicated lovers that came before us.”
“Cool,” he replied.
She looked from Karen to Kimberlee. “Shall we begin?”
When they had both nodded and were in position with their pens above their papers, Claudia embarked.
“In this part, I am assuming that a couple has already included sex in their relationship. Later, if you like Kimberlee, I can talk about what men and women might want to consider before that point. We call it the ‘Cover Charge.’”
Kimberlee reddened and mumbled, “That'd be great.”
“There are six areas we are going to address. They include what makes a person open and available for sex, getting the systems started, and the ‘end game’ or ‘aftermath’ that is critical for preventing resentment and keeping the good feelings alive.”
Claudia sipped her tea. “These areas work together to create what I like to call ‘Delicious Sexual Partnerships.’ Each element involves information to be shared with your partner to have fun, continuously satisfying and union-nurturing sex lives.”
Karen and Mike exchanged a look. He took her hand and held it on his thigh. Claudia continued, “Before a man or a woman is available for sex, they have to have certain capacities. If they do not have these capacities, nothing anyone does will make sex satisfying. For example, if someone is exhausted or upset or off balance, the focus and receptivity that good sex demands will not occur. Thus the first information to exchange is what, exactly, fills your ‘Sexy Tank.’”
Karen brightened, “This is like what I learned before, right? When you were teaching me about being a Queen to Mike's King?”
Claudia was glad she had made the connection. “Yes, Karen. There are activities you can engage in, and people you can have contact with, that leave you in better condition than before. We call it filling a tank. Every activity that nurtures or empowers you gives you specific capacities; fills a specific tank.”
Karen nudged Mike's shoulder. “This is how I prepared for you returning to me as a King. I did all the things that made me feel serene and open and receptive to you. That's why I spent time at the beach and smelled of a bubble bath when you got home. And I rode a horse for the first time in many years. That filled my play tank.”
Mike brightened, “That's how come you weren't all stressed out. Good job, Babe.” He addressed Claudia, “That was a good trick. She was amazing. Smelled good, too,” he added with a smile. “You're saying a person can prepare themselves for sex that way?”
“Exactly. By doing the things that put her in her body, receptive to the pleasures she can feel, a woman creates the physical capacity for sex. Bubble baths, massage, dancing and sleep are in this category,” Claudia explained. “By doing the things that make her feel comfortable and connected to her partner, she creates the emoti
onal capacity for sex.”
Mike smiled, “That's awesome.” His forehead furrowed. “But she has to do those things, right? Or is there something I can provide?”
Claudia smiled at Mike's natural use of the first word in the Language of Heroes. “Since diffuse awareness will have her take care of her environment instead of herself, she may need your support. Making a commitment to keeping her Sexy Tank full is one of the most important things a woman can do for her lover. And letting him provide support would be one of the smartest.”
Karen asked, “But what about a man? What tops off his Sexy Tank?”
Claudia put the question where it would make the biggest difference. “How about you tell us, Mike? What makes you receptive to an invitation and able to be there for sex?”
She observed Karen and Kimberlee waiting patiently while he thought about his answer. “I can't have anything major on my mind. When I'm in the middle of an intense project, I don't want to be distracted by sex. Unless I'm at the breaking point of needing it, then I'm already distracted, but that's the opposite of what you're asking.”
He paused. “Most of the time, challenges and accomplishments prime me for sex. It's still all about providing. But the right amount of physical exertion can pump me up. I have to have enough rest, though. I think that's why I usually prefer morning sex or weekend sex.”
Karen looked down, smiling.
Mike rubbed his chin. “That would make me physically able. Emotionally, I have to feel like Karen's not mad at me. I don't need to feel connected; the sex gets me connected.”
After a moment, he shrugged. “That's all I can see right now. I'm good to go most of the time.” He leaned over and kissed Karen's cheek.
KAREN was enjoying this conversation. Claudia was right that she needed to feel connected to be involved emotionally in sex. It was interesting to her that Mike got connected through sex. But he had confused her with his comment about “anything major” on his mind.
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