She raised her hand tentatively, “Could I ask a clarifying question?”
Claudia and Mike nodded simultaneously.
“Mike, you said you don't want to be distracted by sex when you're in the middle of an intense project. Does that mean the tanks aren't full and we could do something to fill them?”
She was surprised when Claudia interjected, “Actually, Karen, that is the next area we are going to talk about: Pumpkin Hours.”
“Pumpkin Hours? That sounds weird.”
“I named it after the Cinderella story,” Claudia replied. “Pumpkin Hours are the times in which the enchanted coach turns back into a pumpkin and cannot give anyone a ride.”
Mike chuckled and Karen caught on. Claudia's statement was even funnier with her formal “in which” and “cannot.”
“Claudia, you're a crack-up,” Karen said.
“I try to think up unique terms that will help you remember these concepts.”
Karen laughed, “And a Pumpkin Hour is?”
Claudia explained, “For some people, their Pumpkin Hours are actual times of the day. For example, after ten at night or before six in the morning. It often has to do with sacrificing sleep for sex. This will cause upset, especially in sleep-deprived women.”
Karen could relate to that.
“For others,” Claudia continued, “it may be when they are premenstrual or menstruating. Or, like Mike said, when he is in the middle of an intense project.”
She shrugged. “Any set of circumstances can create a Pumpkin Hour for someone. The point is: We are individual enough that we have to share that information with our partner instead of assuming they know. Otherwise, they may ask for sex at a time when the request creates anger or resentment.”
Karen could easily think of times when Mike wanted sex and she was unwilling. Not because the invitation wasn't a good one; it merely came at a bad time. And Claudia was right — she would have had to sacrifice sleep. When she'd slept plenty in the preceding days that was fine. But during the craziness preparing for a new school year, or finishing one up, she was living on the edge of exhaustion.
Letting Mike know those were “Pumpkin Hours” could prevent hurt feelings for Mike. Or vice versa, she thought. He's not the only one who's initiated sex at the wrong time and gotten crushed by rejection. And when his feelings were hurt, it made her feel guilty. Then I feel angry about feeling guilty because, after all, I should have a right to my sleep.
She raised her hand for Claudia to pause and turned to Mike. “Honey, this explains a lot. When you're intensely involved in a project, I feel disconnected from you. Sometimes, to try to get you back with me, I initiate sex. When I'm turned down, my feelings get hurt and them I'm pissed. Which makes me feel even more distant from you.” She touched his arm. “Knowing it doesn't work for you to break that focus — but that you'll be mine when you're done — could help.”
Mike looked totally confused. “I'm sure that's all true. But what I'm talking about only happens a few times a year. You make it sound like it happens a lot.”
Now it was Karen's turn to be confused, and she could feel herself getting upset. “Actually,” she managed to get out, “I got rejected fairly often. Even before we started trying to get pregnant.”
MIKE was completely baffled. Karen clearly meant what she said. The emotion in her face was real. But he could not remember an invitation for sex — real sex, not sperm donating — that he had refused in a long time. Why would I?
He looked from Karen to Claudia and was surprised to see a knowing look on the older woman's face. “What?” he asked. “What am I not getting here?” He glanced at Karen and back at Claudia. “Help me out, please.”
Claudia nodded, turned to Karen and patted her hand. “Karen, would you consider the possibility that your invitation for intimacy was never received?”
Mike saw Karen gulp. “How could that be?” she asked, her voice strangled.
“Well, besides the fact that men's auditory and visual perception is not as sensitive to subtleties as women's,” Claudia said, “perhaps your Signal wasn't as clear as you think.
Perhaps,” she continued slowly, “Mike doesn't know what your Signals are.”
“My signals?” Karen asked doubtfully.
Claudia nodded, “Your ‘Signals’ are the ways in which you express a request for intimacy. They only work if the other person interprets them correctly.” She paused, “If you are willing to say, Karen, how did you Signal Mike that you wanted him?”
Karen hesitated but Mike really needed the answer to this question. She blushed and looked down at her lap. “I-I-I touched him. You know, there.”
Stunned amazement sent tingles all over Mike's body. “That was a Signal?” he gasped, “I thought you were being friendly!”
Karen looked put out. “If I'm touching you there, I am not being friendly!”
Mike sat back and absorbed this news. Memories flooded his brain. All those parties I was invited to. She must have been so bummed.
He could see the need for immediate action. He took Karen's hand and waited until she looked in his eyes. “Darlin’, I'm so sorry.” He saw her tear up. “I had no idea you wanted me. Honestly. I would have been thrilled.”
He kissed her hand and said earnestly, “I'll make it up to you. I promise.”
Karen laughed and relief flooded his body. Who'd a known? he thought, shaking his head in wonder.
KIMBERLEE had remained quiet and, she hoped, invisible during the entire interaction. It was too precious to spoil. She was moved by how Karen and Mike took care of each other. Way different than Melissa and Scott, she thought. These two really are partners. She wished her friend could be a fly on the wall and learn from them.
The near-miraculous healing of her childhood experience had left Kimberlee with a fresh interest and curiosity in sex. She could see how each of the elements Claudia had explained could contribute to a satisfying sex life, virtually rejection-free.
The concept of Tank Fillers she loved, and she wanted to know more about it for the other parts of her life. Is there something I could do that would make me more fun? Or some way I could change my work that I'm not left dead on my feet?
Pumpkin Hours were clear and practical. They would prevent feelings of hurt and rejection from the right offer at the wrong time. She was fascinated by the notion of Signals. It reminded her of one of her favorite books, The Valley of the Horses, where the main characters got all twisted up misunderstanding each other's attempts to initiate sex. The author, Jean Auel, had even used the same term, Signal.
Kimberlee was brought back from her reverie by Claudia's next statement: “It is as important to understand your partner's Signals so you also know when they are not initiating sex.”
“Huh?” escaped Kimberlee's mouth before she could stop it.
Claudia smiled and looked at her kindly, obviously trying to make her feel comfortable. She's the sweetest, thought Kimberlee.
“Besides missing an invitation,” Claudia nodded at Karen and Mike, who simultaneously shook their heads with regret, “someone can interpret something as a request that is not.”
“Can you give an example?” Kimberlee asked, now officially participating.
“Certainly,” Claudia replied. “Because of my upbringing, I had occasion to do research with family members. I once spoke to my uncle who shared that he loved ‘spooning’ his wife before he fell off to sleep. He generously described to me the sheer joy of holding her body close to his.”
Out of the corner of her eye, Kimberlee saw Mike wink at Karen.
“But he explained to me that before they understood each other's Signals, she assumed he was requesting sex.” Claudia frowned. “Sometimes she would ‘freeze up’ instead of curling into him, and he'd feel rejected.”
“I found out later, by talking with my aunt, that she thought he was asking for sex too late at night. She thought he was being inconsiderate and it made her angry. Can you see how it seemed
like he was giving her his Signal after her Pumpkin Hours? She was mad and he was hurt. All from misinterpreting pure affection.”
Kimberlee was stunned. Is that what happened to Mathew and me?
Since sex brought up such terrible feelings, she had crawled in bed every night hoping Mathew didn't want any. In the beginning of their marriage he snuggled up to her. Like her great-great-aunt, she thought her husband was signaling her for sex, and she'd turn to stone. After a moment, he'd roll back onto his side of the bed, and stay there the rest of the night. It wasn't long before he rarely touched her at all — unless he was intent upon having sex, which reinforced her misconception.
“Yes, dear?” she heard Claudia ask, and realized she had gasped out loud.
“Oh, sorry,” Kimberlee said. “I'm realizing how come my husband stopped being affectionate with me.”
Claudia looked concerned. “It's okay,” Kimberlee said. “I'm doing good. No worries, only light bulbs.”
“Expressing affection is always a risky thing to do,” Claudia said. “If another is not receptive to it, we quickly retreat. It hurts too much to extend your heart like that when it is not received warmly.”
They smiled at each other for a moment and Kimberlee was struck again by how kind and gentle Claudia was. How could I ever have been afraid of her?
Claudia was looking at her quizzically, white eyebrows raised over twinkling blue eyes. Kimberlee smiled, “All good, Grandmother.”
CLAUDIA paused for this moment of ecstasy. Her chest filled with energy. You cannot hope for what you cannot imagine, she thought. And I never dared to imagine this. To feel close to Kimberlee again was beyond a dream come true.
She smiled at the three of them. “I have more. Shall we stop, take a break or keep going?”
“Keep going!” Mike responded. “You haven't taught us how to cause wanting yet.”
Claudia smiled at his enthusiasm, “This all adds up to causing wanting.”
“How?” Karen asked.
“Sexy Tank Fillers create the capacities in a person to be available for and receptive to intimacy. Knowing your partner's Pumpkin Hours makes you a considerate lover, and has you ask at the right time. Understanding Signals prevents a host of hurts and,” Claudia winked at Mike, “missed parties.”
He laughed and had that look people got when they wondered if she had read their minds. She smiled to herself and explained, “All of these things set the stage for men and women to fully express desire — the surest way to cause wanting.”
“Nothing gets me going more quickly than Karen wantin’ me bad,” Mike said.
Karen looked at Mike in consternation. “Are you saying me wanting you, makes you want sex?”
“Yep. Guaranteed.”
Karen shook her head, “But you wanting me, makes me want sex.”
Claudia couldn't suppress a smile. “Our partner's desire for us is the biggest turn on for both men and women. Unless our Sexy Tanks are empty or we are past the Pumpkin Hours. At that moment, their desire is a problem instead of an aphrodisiac.”
She looked to see if they were following her. “Because most couples have not worked out their Sexy Tanks, Pumpkin Hours and Signals, both men and women have been rejected when they were most vulnerable. To avoid rejection in the future, they tone down their desire and make wimpy invitations instead of luscious, irresistible ones.”
Claudia concluded, “A half-hearted invitation is a turnoff at the moment when you most need to Jump Start your partner.”
“Jump Start?” Mike asked.
Claudia smiled at him, “As a car guy and a cowboy, you will appreciate this in both its modern and old West forms. Before automobiles existed, it was called ‘Yee Hawing’ your partner. Referring to the way a cowboy would slap his horse with his hat and set it off at a full gallop.”
Mike laughed outright. “So a Jump Start has a filly take off or a partner with a dead battery roar to life?”
Claudia smiled in satisfaction. “Good thing to know how to do, yes?”
“Yes, Ma'am,” he winked, “a handy thing to know for sure.” He grinned at his wife.
Claudia poured more hot water in her mug and added honey to her tea; purposefully giving them time to contemplate what this might mean.
“Every man and woman has words, phrases and ways of being touched that will take them from zero to sixty in a mere moment,” she stated simply. “Knowing your partner's Jump Starts gives you the ability to cause wanting for them. Knowing your own Jump Starts, and sharing them, gives your partner the guaranteed ability to get you going.”
“This is why Jump Starts must follow Pumpkin Hours.” She looked at Mike in particular, “It would be plain mean to Jump Start someone when they needed to be sleeping or concentrating on something important.”
Mike turned to Karen, “I promise, no matter how horny I am, I'll never Jump Start you during Pumpkin Hours.”
Karen smiled at him. “Me too. I promise,” she said throatily then laughed. “And from my body's reaction, the word ‘horny’ might be a Jump Start for me ….”
She cleared her throat and her forehead furrowed. “But I'm still not clear how I Jump Start you. Are there ways I can touch you that don't seem like I'm being friendly?
Mike laughed, “I won't make that mistake again.”
Karen continued, “I'm usually too shy to be verbal. But if it's only one word I could probably say it ….”
Before Mike could answer, Claudia interrupted. “I think you two should share that information privately. For two reasons: Sharing the words and phrases requires you speak them. That could Jump Start you right here, as Karen has generously pointed out.”
She looked at them earnestly. “I am serious about ‘Yee Haw!’ It creates a powerful urgency. Only do that when you are ready to engage immediately. It is the way to ask for sex now, not later.”
Mike grinned like a Cheshire cat, “This is gonna be fun.”
“You said there were two reasons,” Kimberlee said tentatively.
“Sympathy for others, dear. While there are many differences between individual Jump Starts, there are also many similarities. Mike sharing his could actually Jump Start you or me.”
Kimberlee's eyes grew rounder. “Hmm. That would be inconvenient, wouldn't it?” She giggled, “Especially when I don't have a horse!”
BURT watched the gang in the garden gather up their things and leave. They all seemed happy, as if they'd had fun today. Even Kimberlee.
Whistling, Burt cleaned up after himself and put away his project. Although Claudia rarely entered his workshop uninvited, he didn't want to take a chance on her discovering his surprise. Each structure was complete and the forms were recognizable. All that was left to do were the individual finishes and flourishes.
He found Claudia resting on the couch and marveled at the toll these sessions took on her. While she was healthier in some ways — her rheumatic hands continued to feel better and flex more easily — the energy she expended in a few hours took several days to recover. Once, when he'd asked her about it, she'd said, “It feels like childbirth.”
But she's happy, he thought, ignoring the tug of worry. And that's worth everything.
She opened her eyes when he settled her legs across his lap and began rubbing her calves. “Are you hungry, Sweetheart? Can I get you something?”
She smiled wanly and moved her head a fraction. Even that seemed like an effort. She yawned and closed her eyes again. Maybe after a nap, she'll tell me about it. He loved hearing about their sessions. And he loved being part of them. He wondered how he could take some of the burden off her by providing more.
KAREN gave Mike a warm, sensuous hug, molding her body into his. She kissed him and said provocatively, “Have fun.” Mike patted her rear, got in his Miata and drove off with a smile.
She poured some cold water and settled on the couch with her notes, determined to capture the rest of the session after Kimberlee's funny “don't have a horse” remark.
•
And if the woman wants sex, she's got to convince him to eat and cook!
She laughed remembering the impish look on Claudia's face as she said that.
• The solution: “DESSERT,” one thing people will eat when they're not hungry.
•
For most people, there is something pleasurable that could be offered that is almost always appealing.
•
It'll often get the “party started” and is a gentler transition to sex than a Jump Start. (Why not start a meal with dessert? Teehee.)
•
It must be something the Provider is happy to give even if nothing else transpires.
Karen thought about Desserts for her. A massage is always a good idea. It feels great and puts me in my body. She remembered reading somewhere that massaging the small of a woman's back increased the blood flow to the pelvis, causing arousal and potentially heightening orgasm. See? Validated by science.
What would be Dessert for Mike? You'd think I'd know that after twenty years. Then she caught herself breaking one of Claudia's rules. Regret is fine; recrimination is off-limits.
The topic of Desserts had completed the elements to cause wanting. Lastly, Claudia described the “End Game.”
“Or, if sex were Scotch, it would be called the ‘finish.’” Claudia smiled, “In other words, the taste left in a person's mouth.”
Mike had grinned suggestively and Karen had pretended to ignore him, sure Claudia did not mean that literally.
• End Game or Finish: The point is to always leave your partner happy, satisfied and looking forward to having sex again.
•
It might be how long you snuggle afterwards.
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The Queen’s Code Page 20