Stop Overreacting

by Judith Siegel

  Section 2

  The Triggers

  Overreactions never occur in a vacuum. We all have childhood experiences that can complicate the way we interpret and respond to an event, even if we are not consciously aware of them. Some similarity between the previous event and the current one can cause old emotional memories and beliefs to spring into action, setting off a chain of physical and emotional reactions. How well do you know the situations that make you most likely to overreact?

  While we all have our own areas of sensitivity, there are some situations that seem to evoke a strong emotional response for most people. In this section, I invite you to learn more about four themes that are almost universal in their potential to evoke strong emotional reactions—envy, rejection, criticism, and control. While this is not an all-inclusive list, these themes have been a focus in clinical publications as well as research and have been hot buttons for many of the clients I have worked with over the past thirty years. I hope that you will look at these themes not as faults or weaknesses but as issues that affect many people. Understanding the power of these triggers will put you in a better position to recognize what is happening before your emotions get the best of you. As you read about the ways that other people have responded, ask yourself if you have ever reacted in similar ways. The more you know about the situations that make you the most vulnerable, the better prepared you will be to notice and attend to the earliest signals of an unprocessed emotional response.

  Chapter 6

  Envy

  Envy is a very powerful human emotion that can be experienced by all people regardless of age, religion, or cultural background. Despite its importance, only a handful of psychologists have chosen to study it, and they can’t seem to agree completely on what it is or what exactly causes it.

  Defining Envy

  Although most of us know what envy feels like, it is easy to confuse an episode of envy and an experience of jealousy. Most experts in the field think that there are important differences (Smith and Kim 2007). We feel jealous when someone threatens to take something or someone we already have. We feel envious when someone gets something that we want and think we deserve. In a typical episode of envy, we feel angry. When we start thinking about the situation, we have a sense of injustice, based on our view that it isn’t fair. Sometimes there is an uncomfortable sense of being deprived, and sometimes we might even hope that the person we envy gets hurt or fails. Thinking about the situation usually makes us feel worse, as, at the end of the day, we feel powerless to change it. So in an episode of envy, we usually experience some degree of anger, injustice, deprivation, powerlessness, and a desire for the other to fail.

  Part of the reason that envy is so difficult to understand is that it is a socially undesirable quality. Most of us feel uncomfortable admitting to feeling envious when something good happens to someone we know at work or in our family. Why is it so difficult to acknowledge this important emotion? Most religions preach against envy, and some religious teaching has left us feeling that it is a sin to covet what another person has. In many cultures, there are superstitions to ward off the power of envy and the evil that those who have less might wish upon others. The idea that wishing harm on someone might have the power to make that harm happen causes people to stay away from the whole experience. Those of us who grew up with siblings also know that parents tend to be impatient and disapproving if we protest that a sister or brother is being favored. When parents, teachers, religious leaders, and cultural influences work in concert to tell us that it is bad to feel envious, most of us learn to keep quiet or even feel guilty for feeling that way.

  Situations That Create Envy

  Although most of us admire the lifestyles of the rich and famous, we usually don’t go around flooded with envy every time we see them on TV or read about them in a magazine. We are much more likely to envy people who are or are almost our equals. We become envious when we believe that they have received or obtained something that will make them better off than we are or will improve their lives in important ways.

  Sometimes we feel envious about material goods, but there are many other categories that stimulate envy. In fact, if you asked twenty people what things they have envied, you might get twenty different answers. Someone who feels bad about her figure and struggles to keep her weight down might envy her best friend, who stays thin no matter what she eats. Someone else might envy a coworker who shows off a new watch or car that seems impossible to afford. It is not uncommon for stay-at-home moms to envy women who seem to have interesting jobs, while working moms envy those who get to spend the whole day with their children. A person who is showing signs of aging may envy an old friend who looks years younger, while a person who hates his job might envy a colleague who announces his plan to retire at the end of the year.

  When we feel that someone else is much better off because that person received something that could have been given to us, it is hard not to feel envious. Research shows that when a person feels that she has been treated unfairly, her amygdala is activated (Crockett 2009). Competition and the desire not to be left behind stimulate emotions that are intense and uncomfortable. When this is coupled with a sense of unfairness, it is almost impossible not to respond. No one likes to feel “less than,” and no one likes to feel powerless to change it.

  Patrice’s Story

  Patrice had discovered Pilates in her midtwenties and had a natural talent and a strong interest in it. After advancing to a high level, she took classes that would prepare her to become a Pilates instructor. One of her friends, Alice, took advanced classes with her and was interested in her experiences in the instructor’s training program. Often, they would go out for lunch after class, and Patrice encouraged her friend to consider the training. By the time Alice decided to enroll, Patrice was teaching three classes at their studio and enjoying every minute of it.

  But things changed very quickly after Alice graduated from the training program. At first, Alice was very appreciative when Patrice let her be the substitute instructor when she had to miss a class. But Patrice would often find Alice hanging around the studio owner’s office, volunteering to do things and complimenting her on every occasion. Soon Alice was invited to substitute teach other classes, including an advanced class that Patrice doubted Alice could handle. One day, when they went to lunch, Alice started to eagerly list all of the classes she had been asked to sub and mentioned that the owner was thinking about offering her an intermediate level class at a prime time. Patrice felt such an intense stab of envy that she couldn’t eat another mouthful. That class was one that she had been promised, and it was only offered to seasoned ­instructors. To think that Alice could be offered a plum class without having to prove herself was unbelievable. Patrice knew that it was more about Alice’s hanging around and throwing out compliments than about her talent or skill and was enraged that her boss had been stupid enough to fall for it. She felt betrayed for having been helpful to Alice and furious that she was supposed to just sit there and congratulate someone who was getting something she didn’t deserve at all.

  Identifying Envy

  You know you are envious when you think…

  it doesn’t seem fair that other people have an easier time getting the things you want.

  it is annoying to see people who don’t deserve it advance.

  you’re the one doing the hard work while someone else is getting rewarded.

  other people have all the luck.

  you can’t count blessings because other people have so much more.

  it’s not fair for other people to get sympathy for things that you have gone through with little support.

  it’s not fair when people get the things that you want and they don’t even appreciate it.

  it’s not right for everyone to make a fuss over someone else, while you’re taken for granted.

  Envy is a normal response that is difficult to acknowledge. When we can accept that it is a powerful trigger for most people,
we can allow ourselves to spend more time understanding the feelings, beliefs, and impulses that have been generated.

  Envy in the Family

  Envy would not exist if there was perfect equality and an abundance of everything that anyone could ever want. Unfortunately, such a utopia doesn’t exist, and we learn this at a very young age. If you have children or are in a position to observe family interactions, you will see how intensely children want to possess the most precious resource in their life—their mother. Freud, considering envy in boys, thought that little boys developed penis envy when they realized that they had to share their mother’s love with the “other man” in her life. Freud also thought that little boys had wild imaginations and wished they could kill their fathers and, at the same time, were afraid that their fathers (who were stronger and more powerful than they were) would find out about their wishes and retaliate by chopping off their penises. Although Freud was considering envy only in boys, the cycle that he identified, in which envy leads to aggressive impulses that then lead to a fear of retaliation followed by guilt, is a common psychological experience.

  When I teach my social work students about this pattern, someone usually points out that Freud’s explanation is more about jealousy than envy. After all, the child is trying to possess his mother and doesn’t want her taken by someone else. But Freud says that we are shocked to learn that our mothers don’t really belong to us and that they are more interested in the grown-up companions they had before we ever came along. The combination of feeling both deprived and powerless to change the status quo is a powerful introduction to envy.

  Sibling Rivalry

  Family therapists have also observed how early childhood relationships plant the seeds of envy, but they are more interested in the way things develop between siblings. The idea of sibling rivalry is probably something you are already familiar with. Although kids may seem to be fighting over who gets to ride in the front seat of the car or who gets the slice of cake with the most icing, most therapists agree that what kids are really competing for is their parents’ love. All children want to be the center of attention and hope that they are their parents’ favorite. When a parent pays more attention to a sister or brother, the illusion of being special is shattered.

  Competing against a sibling is usually a no-win situation, because when children turn to their parents to protest, they rarely get what they want. Most parents are annoyed when their children bicker, and disapprove of how strongly kids fight over such small prizes. The child who is flooded with envy usually winds up feeling left out, diminished, treated unfairly, and powerless to change it.

  Ultimately, children learn to take things into their own hands. Some children believe that even if they are powerless to change one scenario, the game isn’t over. This kind of child will try to take revenge on the sibling who got the preferential treatment by using physical or emotional tactics such as breaking a favorite toy or refusing to let the sibling join in play. Another child might figure out that she can do other things to get the attention she craves, even if it means getting sick or failing.

  Although it happens less frequently, occasionally one parent has a need to get the most attention in the family. This is usually a reaction to that parent’s experience of not getting enough attention in childhood and not wanting to share it now. Without realizing it, a parent may become very envious of the attention lavished on a child and feel irritable or miserable for vague reasons. This kind of envy is very difficult to acknowledge but leads to different forms of competition with children for affirmation and attention. I have worked with fathers who feel displaced when a first child is born but don’t want to acknowledge feelings of anger or loss. It is even worse when everyone is congratulating them and they end up feeling guilty for being angry at all the changes in their lives. Just as often, a mother can be made uncomfortable by the attention that is lavished on others in the family.

  Gina’s Story

  By the age of thirty, Gina was happily married to Carl and enjoying a challenging but rewarding career in software development. The problem was Gina’s difficulty keeping friends, including couples who wanted to include Gina and Carl in a social network that was important to Carl. Gina’s tendency to cancel plans at the last minute or forget to respond to invitations led to fights and tension at home. Gina admitted that she liked almost every person who wanted to befriend them and enjoyed having lunch or going for walks on a one-to-one basis. But when four or more friends came together, she just couldn’t handle it.

  When I asked Gina to tell me about her family, she expressed considerable anger and resentment toward her mother. She described her mother as a demanding, selfish woman who used everyone to her own benefit. As Gina started to tell me stories to illustrate her perceptions, she shared that the worst thing was when she tried to bring her friends home. Instead of letting the girls hang out or play by themselves, Gina’s mother had to be the center of attention. She would zero in on Gina’s friends, telling stories and starting conversations that would completely leave Gina out. Soon, her friends would be laughing at her mother’s jokes and completely ignoring Gina. In therapy, Gina was able to understand how she had envied and resented her mother’s charm and wit. It made her aware of her own more serious nature and how awkward she felt when she had to initiate conversation. But the strongest feeling was anger and resentment that her mother had been intruding on Gina’s friendships to get her own needs met.

  As she thought about it, she realized that Carl also had an ease and comfort socializing with friends. The tendency for the most energized conversation and laughter to focus around Carl created a sense of envy that was intolerable to Gina. Once Gina recognized how her unresolved resentment toward her mother could easily be stimulated and then misplaced onto Carl, Gina was able to keep those feelings in the past and join in the fun with a sense of pride in her husband.

  Childhood Coping Styles

  How you reacted to envy when you were a child predicts how you will react as an adult. Some children learn to use personal power and become assertive. To make sure they will get their fair share the next time, they become increasingly competitive and watchful. However, their impulses may also be vengeful and extremely aggressive, which can occur in children before their moral guidelines are fully matured. Other children might object a few times to unfair situations but ultimately feel worse for trying to get what they want. Focusing on wanting something and being powerless to get it can be a source of deep pain. For example, a little girl might realize that her father will never enjoy throwing the ball with her, even though he seems to love doing that with her brother. Even though it’s not fair, she realizes that she can’t do anything to change his mind or to prove that she is good enough to join in. Rather than become more competitive or assertive, she may enter into a cycle of self-doubt and withdrawal. Children who feel neglected often experience this more profoundly than adults do, partially because they fear that any anger they express against the parent who has caused the initial disappointment will create even more problems. As a result, the child experiences personal failure and helplessness that add to the level of despair.

  Cathy and Sid’s Story

  Cathy and Sid came to me for marital therapy, complaining that they were fighting all the time. Part of the problem was Cathy’s resentment that Sid wasn’t financially successful. He was easily distracted at home and at work and tended to gloss over things that were important to his business dealings. Cathy had quit her job after their first child was born and was glad that she had been able to put energy into raising three boys who had an assortment of problems, including food allergies and attention deficit disorder. But after Sid lost yet another job, she decided it was more important to return to work on a full-time basis.

  One day, Cathy called me in desperation. Things at her job were hectic, and she had to work overtime. She hadn’t arranged for the sitter to stay late because she was counting on leaving promptly. Tonight was the boy’s school music reci
tal, and they had been practicing their pieces all week. At first she was relieved when Sid told her he had it under control, but suddenly she felt furious at him. He was the one whose business was slow enough for him to leave early, while she was the one overloaded with deadlines. He got to enjoy the concert and take the boys out for their traditional ice cream celebration while she was scurrying to catch a commuter train that might get her home in time to at least tuck them in before they fell asleep. It just felt completely unfair that while she was working extra hard to make sure that there was money for instruments and ice cream, Sid was the one who had the pleasure of enjoying the concert and the ice cream to boot. She felt resentful that he got to enjoy something she wanted so badly and that the kids would have yet another memory of sharing a celebration with their happy, relaxed father, while their serious mother was out of sight and out of mind.

  This was a horrible feeling for Cathy to bear, as it reminded her too much of how her own mother had acted after her parents divorced. Cathy had hated when her mother accused her of taking her father’s side and loving her father more. The more her mother complained and created tension, the more Cathy felt that she did prefer her father. At least he kept his feelings to himself and never put her in the middle. At the thought that she was turning into her mother, Cathy slipped into feelings of helplessness and depression. She had vowed that she would never become bitter and complaining, like her mother had been, and now she was being put into the same position.

  It was easy for me to empathize with Cathy’s feelings of being left out, powerless, and deprived for reasons that were completely unfair. But at first, Cathy disagreed when I commented, “Envy is such a difficult feeling.” To Cathy, envy was unforgivable, and it made her feel ashamed that she had slipped that low. Not being able to admit to the emotion only made the problem more difficult to solve.