Stop Overreacting

by Judith Siegel

  However, some adults try to resolve their emotional scars by taking the opposite position. In fact, some adults who experienced childhood shame are the ones you would least suspect of it. Children who have been emotionally injured need a parent who can comfort them. If they receive sufficient validation and soothing, they learn how to make themselves feel better when they’re having a bad moment. However, if a child can’t count on anyone to help him get through it, he might learn to undo the injury by taking a grandiose posture. Rather than suffer through an experience of being made to feel “less than,” he decides to compete and excel in order to constantly prove to himself and others that he is “better than.” While this reaction may seem like a reasonable solution, he will grow into an adult who must always compete in order to establish his superiority. Rather than soothing himself when there’s a downturn, he must depend entirely on outside validation to help him remember his value. The remnants of shame and self-doubt can only be kept out of sight by the proof that comes with winning or reaching goals. Unfortunately, yesterday’s victories don’t last very long, and the push for renewed affirmation takes over.

  Whatever path we take—succumbing to old wounds or fighting to stay away from them—unresolved childhood rejection makes us vulnerable to overreactions.

  Daniel’s Story

  Daniel told me that he often felt like the comedian Rodney Dangerfield, who typically ended his routine by saying, “I don’t get no respect.” Daniel knew that he had always been sensitive to feeling excluded but decided to start therapy after he had completely lost his temper at a professional organization in front of hundreds of his colleagues. The group had been meeting to discuss a new license and to create categories that would allow experienced members who had taken prior training to be exempt from the new exam. Things had gone smoothly until the group turned to the program that Daniel had taken. One board member felt that it was less thorough than the course of study he had taken and that graduates from that program should not be grandfathered in. Daniel had always disliked this man and considered him to be arrogant and self-serving. But he surprised himself when he jumped up from his seat and started hurling personal insults at the man. Two friends rushed over and led him out of the room, but Daniel’s behavior caused quite a stir.

  In therapy, I asked Daniel to talk to me about times in his life that he had felt excluded or rejected. Daniel immediately spoke of his passion for basketball and how much he had loved shooting hoops in the neighborhood he grew up in. But as luck would have it, Daniel took after his mother’s side of the family and by sixth grade was the smallest kid in the class. One of his worst childhood memories was the day he went to try out for the school basketball team and was not chosen. Even in gym class, students didn’t seem to want him on their teams.

  In time, this feeling of being “less than” grew even worse. Daniel felt that being short made it impossible to be socially accepted, as most of the girls he knew would only date guys who were taller than them. In Daniel’s mind, the belief that people wouldn’t think he was good enough carried over to other parts of his life. Daniel even thought that his parents showed more concern for his younger brother than for him. If his brother complained about something, then everyone seemed to fuss, but when Daniel got a bad break, people seemed to just shrug their shoulders. “It’s only Daniel,” he would imagine them saying.

  Daniel remembered how quickly he had reacted at the professional meeting. When he experienced his colleague as trying to diminish Daniel’s training, Daniel felt a surge of hatred. His heart started to pound and his face felt hot. In that moment, this man represented all the people who had tried to exclude him from things he knew he was able to do. In the face of rejection, Daniel just had to fight back.

  Romantic Rejection

  As much as it hurts to get a letter of rejection or be cut from a team, losing at love can be the most painful form of rejection of all. Being loved is the ultimate form of acceptance and is vital to our sense of ­connection and belonging. However, as most of us have discovered, finding and keeping love is complicated.

  Unrequited Love

  Therapists, philosophers, and poets have struggled to define what true love is. Research based on neurophysiology suggests that specific parts of the brain are activated through love. There is also research that shows how the brain responds to visual pleasure, smells that contribute to sexual attraction, and physical connection. While this helps to explain the chemistry that exists between two people, it does not completely explain what happens when a person falls in love.

  Adolescents often refer to social ranking as they decide on potential dates. Anya would think twice about flirting with a high school senior if she was “only” a freshman. Paul would think twice about asking out a girl who was part of the “cool” crowd if he hung out with “techno-nerds,” who mainly talked about computers and gaming. And yet we have all been influenced by fairy-tale romances in which the kissed frog turns into a prince and Cinderella’s fairy godmother turns her into a dazzling beauty who captures the heart of the prince. Being chosen by someone special is a source of validation that becomes an opportunity to revisit perceived self-worth. But when someone rejects you as a romantic partner, there is a suggestion that you are not good enough in their eyes. Being made to feel less than or unworthy is a form of social rejection that actually stings. Once again, the part of the brain that processes social rejection contributes to the pain of unrequited love.

  Rejection as Abandonment

  Although being rejected is painful for everyone, there are certain people who are truly crushed when a romance ends. Their experience is not only about shame or not being good enough, but also about a dread of being alone. If you fit into this category, then rejection can feel like a catastrophe because it unleashes an unspoken fear of being vulnerable in a world that is not to be trusted.

  Psychiatrists and mental health professionals believe that early childhood experiences prepare us for intimacy (J. P. Siegel 2000). A person who has a pattern of repeatedly searching for an ideal partner only to end up being quickly disappointed or rejected may be motivated by a fear of being alone. This problem typically develops when the person’s parents were so self-absorbed or immersed in their own problems that they weren’t available to soothe the child. In these kinds of families, tension and problems spread from family member to family member like one domino striking the next one in line. To make matters worse, these families tend to have reactions based on splitting, so that a small problem can quickly spiral into a crisis. As a result of being exposed to too much stress and too little soothing, the grown child continues to search for someone who can truly understand and be there as a loving and calming influence.

  If this describes your situation, then you probably know that problems start because you want a relationship to work so badly that you overlook minor flaws and concerns. This is another form of splitting, as the red flags are overlooked in order to keep the perception of a “perfect” new friend or partner. In time, these issues create problems that prove to be unsolvable, but the truth is, those problems were there from the beginning.

  Rosemary’s Story

  Rosemary originally came to therapy with Richard, her boyfriend of two years. She had given him an ultimatum to either propose or leave her alone, and he had suggested that they start therapy together. I was a little surprised when he asked if he could have a session alone with me, but Rosemary gave her consent and encouraged him to try to work on his reluctance to commit. However, when Richard met with me, he explained that he had told Rosemary from the beginning that he was not ready to marry, and that if he ever did marry, he would choose a woman who shared his religious background. He had enjoyed dating and traveling with Rosemary but had no intention of ever settling down with her. The reason he had come to therapy was to make sure that Rosemary was in good hands when he ended the relationship, because she had threatened suicide in the past when he had tried to end things.

  Richard told Rose
mary it was over a few days later, and Rosemary came to see me in a state of despair. She hadn’t been able to sleep, eat, or work, and her eyes were so swollen from crying she could barely keep them open. After I was satisfied that Rosemary was not suicidal, we started to work on her grief and loss. Although it is appropriate to be deeply upset after a relationship ends, Rosemary’s inability to focus on anything else was quite extreme. Even weeks later, when she was able to start working again, she would obsess over every word Richard had said, trying to look for clues that would convince her he was still available or that he had fallen for another woman but she could win him back. Rosemary’s mind was constantly spinning, and over the next few weeks her image of Richard became increasingly one-sided. Her sense of his perfection as a boyfriend, lover, and potential husband persisted, despite information that she provided that showed how self-centered and manipulative he had been throughout their time together.

  In therapy, I tried to help Rosemary make sense of her idealization of this young man. Rosemary came from a large family and had three elder brothers and a younger sister. Her father had died unexpectedly when Rosemary was eight, and the family lifestyle changed from working-class comfort to barely making ends meet. Rosemary had been her father’s favorite child, and losing him had been unbearable to her. But for reasons that were hard to comprehend, Rosemary’s mother grew angry and refused to let the children speak about the father who had abandoned them through death. Rosemary’s life changed for the worse as her mother became increasingly withdrawn and exhausted. Although Rosemary had been a good student, she decided to leave home the day she graduated from high school, using her savings to become a calligrapher. She got an excellent job in an exclusive boutique and indulged herself with the latest fashions. Richard was attracted to her stylish beauty and playful nature and could afford to take her to the most expensive restaurants and clubs. He introduced her to a jet-set lifestyle and bought her jewelry and clothing that she couldn’t afford on her salary.

  Even though Richard had told her repeatedly that he wasn’t interested in marriage, Rosemary preferred to keep her own secret fantasy about their future. She window-shopped for engagement rings, cut pictures of wedding dresses out of magazines, and even went through name books trying to imagine what to call their children. In many ways, Richard had become a father figure who would indulge and protect her for the rest of her life. Her fantasies had somehow become real to her, and she couldn’t believe that Richard wouldn’t be equally happy with the life she imagined. To keep this fantasy, Rosemary denied all of Richard’s shortcomings. She knew that he had cheated on her multiple times during their relationship and lied to her about his family and job. Nonetheless, her wish to preserve her fantasy kept those events out of her mind. The man she grieved over was never real—he had been heavily embellished by her imagination. His rejection of her took her to a state of desperation where she imagined herself always on the outside of a life she yearned for. She started to see herself through Richard’s eyes, as a woman from the wrong part of town with the wrong religion and no formal education. Without him, she was worthless, and his rejection proved that she wasn’t good enough to be loved.

  Rosemary’s overreaction illustrates the importance of splitting, flooding, and denial. She had pushed aside important information throughout the relationship in order to see Richard and her future with him as perfect. Being with him also raised her self-esteem, but this ultimately contributed to the intensity of her pain when he ended the relationship. Finally, the emotional memories related to her lost father magnified the grief of losing a man who could pamper and protect her.

  Tolerating Rejection

  The emotional memories that are activated when we are rejected often go back to experiences in middle school and adolescence. When we were children, we allowed group dynamics to inform our ranking and social order. Being excluded meant that we didn’t fit in with the kids with whom we wanted to associate. As adults we can try to acknowledge that not everyone gets along and that there are often reasons behind a ­rejection that we may never know. People can decide to end a relationship or choose to hire another person, but that decision should not determine our self-worth. Perhaps we believed that when we were young, but as we mature, we can choose to not give other people the power to decide whether or not we are good enough. As adults, we have a clearer sense of our real strengths and are no longer dependent on other people to shape our identity.

  Processing the Feeling of Rejection

  Belonging is a basic human need. Any rejection will create a sense of discomfort and pain, but that can be a momentary response. The deeper pain that rejection can stimulate comes from a belief that we are worthless or unlovable. Remember, the amygdala can make us experience emotional intensity that may be greater than the situation calls for. As we begin to connect our thoughts and feelings, the pain will subside. Consider these questions:

  Does this rejection really mean that you have nothing of value to offer?

  Do you know all the circumstances behind the decision of the person who rejected you?

  Are you flooding with emotional memories of other times you have lost something important?

  Is the feeling of being powerless to change this adding to your pain?

  Reestablishing Perspective

  Once we get past the emotional sting of being rejected, we can find ways to think about the real loss. The first thing is to reestablish your perspective. Consider these questions.

  Have you idealized the person or the gain that you were pursuing?

  Has this one incident made you believe that you will never get what you yearn for?

  Can you become more certain about what you truly want going forward?

  Can you imagine things you can do to make this dream come true?

  Thoughtful Responses

  In a thoughtful reaction, we are able to acknowledge the pain that comes with rejection. Loss is never easy, and it is important to be able to understand that something of value has been taken away. However, understanding the true value of the loss is crucial. In responding thoughtfully, we can ask ourselves if we have idealized the person, job, or opportunity and whether we now have the impulse to devalue it as a way of protecting ourselves from feeling more pain. We can also scan for emotional memories that are probably adding to the emotional experience. In the middle of an intense reaction, we need to focus on finding our way back to emotional equilibrium, but when we are calm again, there are important things to reflect on. Once we are certain that the old issues of self-esteem or shame that are related to childhood experiences have been defused, we can more honestly think about the lesson this rejection can teach us:

  If compatibility was an issue, did you have clues that were ignored along the way? How can this lack of compatibility sharpen your understanding of what you really want and what the other person in this situation was truly looking for?

  Are there things you should be changing if you want to pursue that kind of opportunity again?

  Is there any feedback that can be helpful as you decide the best way to move forward?

  When we stop seeing rejection as an affirmation of worthlessness and start looking at the compatibility that is needed to make relationships with people or organizations flourish, we can learn much about what we really want in life. We also learn that, in many ways, we don’t have the level of control that we wish we did—another important trigger that needs to be considered.

  End-of-Chapter Exercises

  Most people think that it is best to forget about incidents from the past that have created pain. However, if we allow these experiences to inform our self-image, then it is better to revisit these feelings than to try to forget them. The purpose of examining painful memories is to bring your adult perspective to situations that your childhood self had no way of challenging. If you find that the process is too uncomfortable, just jot down your thoughts and feelings in your notebook or journal and move on to the rest of this book. After you have read
about the different ways to recover from extreme emotions in chapter 12, you can always return to this exercise and try again.

  Exercise 1: Undo Childhood Shame

  Try to remember a time when you were a school-age child and were excluded. There might have been a party that you weren’t invited to, a team that you weren’t chosen for, or a group that made it clear you weren’t welcome to eat lunch at their table. Do you recall what was said or done to you that made you feel rejected?

  Now bring your adult self to that situation. Try to imagine what weakness or insecurity led those children to be so cruel to you. Was it common for that group of children to exclude others? Do you think that any of those children may have experienced their own hidden doubts and insecurities?

  We all have some parts of ourselves that we are uncertain about. By excluding others, children are trying to reassure themselves about their own self-doubts. Dominating others and establishing a pecking order may also have played a role in their acts of rejection.

  Children also tend to make judgments based on differences—in appearance, cultural background, or athletic skill. Can you identify one thing about you that was different from the other children?

  Now bring your adult self to that issue. Is it possible that something that once caused you to feel vulnerable when you were young ended up adding something unique and important to your life?